I Became the Universe.
Citation: Wally. "I Became the Universe.: An Experience with 4-AcO-DMT & Cannabis (exp101131)". Erowid.org. May 10, 2014. erowid.org/exp/101131
||(powder / crystals)
After reading that magic mushrooms (and psychedelics in general) can be used to successfully treat depression, I've been trying to trip for quite some time now, but being unable to find mushrooms or acid (let alone DMT) in my town almost made me give up on my quest.
Until I knew of 4-aco-dmt. I had ordered 100 mg of this wonderful chemical online, and yesterday it finally came in the mail. I had only one goal in mind: to achieve ego death. I know that psychedelics need to be dosed relative to body weight/mass, and being a 6' 3', 230 lbs guy, made my choice clear: I needed to go for broke and take all 100 mg in one dose. [Erowid Note: 100 mgs of 4-AcO-DMT is considered an extremely high dose, see 4-AcO-DMT Dose Chart]
I knew it was gonna be intense, but nothing even close to what I experienced last night. I am, and always have been, a very spiritual person, so I was pretty sure that wherever this trip would take me, it would be an amazing experience.
I poured the extremely fine fumarate powder in a glass, added lemonade and stirred for about a minute, until the white powder was completely dissolved. I also ate some almonds and a bit of dark chocolate, just because I didn't want to have an empty stomach.
I had a little bit of some decent weed as well, to ease the anticipation and anxiety, so I took a few hits of my joint, drank the lemonade and waited...
After 30 minutes, I started having some mild visuals, mostly in the form of patterns and trailings, but nothing grand. After 45 minutes, I could tell that my vision had already been greatly enhanced, more specifically my peripheral vision. I could see everything in great detail, and objects started to show a light blue, almost neon-like halo around them.
The type on my computer screen seemed to be in 3D, and the pictures looked much more vibrant than usual, always with a light blue, near-neon cast. My hearing was also very precise. I put on Pink Floyd's 'Wish You Were Here', and I could easily hear EVERYTHING that was being played/sung/spoken in that album.
After 1.5 hours into the trip, I decided to get off the computer and go lay on the couch, because my legs and arms had simply stopped working properly. This is when things got real...I started feeling more and more relaxed, my visuals had gotten much more complex and beautiful. I started seeing what looked like columns and arches, in a very bright purple-blueish color, expanding forever in every direction by means of fractal growth.
My breathing slowed down to maybe 10 or less breaths per minute, although this is just an estimate; time had begun to lose all meaning. I then realized that time is just something that humans have created.
We're the only ones who care about time. Somehow, I felt as if I already knew that, but 'everyday reality' had hidden that fact from me. This made me sad, but I understood that there is a reason for that. At this point, my body was shaking, much like when having an after-pee tremor.
A feeling of pure, untainted, infinite love came over me. This incredible feeling of love, and simple and pure joy made me gasp repeatedly, like when we're hit with really cold water. I closed my eyes, relaxed even more, I let out a huge yawn...and then I left my body. I was no longer 'Me'. I was everything that ever was, or ever will be, and it's always been like that. I received lots of information on how things work, and why everything is the way it is.
I understood that nothing is inherently good nor evil. Again, I felt as if I already knew that, but these facts of Universal truth are kept hidden from us while in human form (that's what I got out of it anyway). My soul is drifting in and out of my body, non-stop, almost as if being playful, and I am just basking in the most perfect joy I have ever felt.
Yes, my soul (or consciousness, if you prefer) would come back to my body every so often, and every time this happened, I would feel something like an orgasm, complete with gasp and everything, only 1000 times stronger and without any sexual connotation. My soul has no sexual identity, nor a gender. The true 'Me' is pure energy, the same energy that makes up absolutely everything in the Universe.
While on the couch, my soul left my body at least 5 times. My soul would stay in my body for a few moments, and then I would yawn and it would leave again, only to show me more and more things, like experiencing life from everybody's perspective.
I could recall any past experience from my current life, like say, an argument or conversation with a person or a group of people, and I could replay the same conversation from other person's point of view, and I could switch from one person's POV to another by just thinking of it.
I found this to be very pleasant, and I understood that it is only logical to be able to do this, since I am part of everything, and everything is a part of me. At this point, I thought my trip was peaking, and things would only get smoother from here on...
Wrong. I tried to get up, but my legs wouldn't work. I felt as if I needed to learn how to walk again. While I was clumsily attempting to walk, I could feel that I was not 100% in my body. Kinda hard to explain now, but I felt as if I was floating above my body.
I finally made to the kitchen, where I drank half a gallon of green tea in one chug. I could see, in a multi-dimensional way, the tea hitting my stomach and being absorbed by my body. I looked down, I saw my belly, my feet, my overall human form, and it felt like I was wearing a suit, or a costume.
I could feel my 41 year-old human body breaking down, slowly dying, and it was OK to know this. My legs started to weaken again, this could only mean that my soul wanted to get out yet again, so I rushed to my bed, where I laid for who knows how long, shaking, gasping and absolutely overpowered by this feeling of complete happiness.
While in bed, I experienced ego death at least another 5 times, and every time my soul would leave my body, it was to show me new and wonderful things. (It's been 12 hours since my trip, and I'm forgetting all about it pretty quick, which is a shame. Again, there's a reason for that), but I distinctly recall seeing some scenes of ancient history.
I saw written language being developed, many years ago. Also, I remember being shown scenes of everyday life in what looked like India, or maybe a lost culture.
I also understood that my soul has left my body a few times before this trip, recalling an experience when I was 12 years old and had the measles with extremely high fever, and other times when I was a little kid, also while yawning. I had no idea of this.
Back to the trip...
I'm lying in bed, and my soul would keep jumping in and out of my body, which was very tiresome. I felt exhausted, yet so full of joy that I didn't want this to end. I decided that I needed to eat something, but I wasn't hungry at all, so I smoked some weed in an attempt to get the munchies. Bad decision. I think smoking pot re-started my trip, this time with a bad vibe...
I started walking, but my legs gave out and I just collapsed onto the floor, flat on my ass. I was pretty sure I was gonna die, and I perfectly remember having the choice to let go and die, or keep living. Either way, I'd be fine. I immediately thought of my little daughters and decided that I couldn't die and leave them without a dad.
I realized this was my ego talking, since I grew up w/o a dad, and it sucked. I started sweating like I never had before, dripping all over the hallway, but I knew by then that I wasn't gonna die. I realized that I was in control of this trip, and it was up to me to make it a wonderful experience, or a hellish one.
I stepped into a shower, opened the faucet...and the water felt incredible. The moment the water touched my skin, I instantly knew that this water was as old as the Universe. Every molecule of it felt like part of me, just like I'm part of everything. While in the shower, my soul leapt in and out at least 2 more times, being necessary to sit in the bathtub because my legs would stop supporting me.
After the shower, I slowly returned to be the old 'Me'. I got really hungry, ate everything in the fridge, drank the rest of my tea, and went to bed. Like I said, memories from this mind-shattering trip are fading quickly, and eventually, my ego will take over again.
All in all, this trip has been an awesome experience. I know my life will never be the same...
Everything was being shown to me in such a gentle and loving way, I was overcame with pure joy, for the first time in my life. I have truly seen the world, and it's beautiful beyond description.
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