Dungeons & Dealers

GAMEMASTER (GM): Okay, so let’s review the notes from last session. Your party had left the safe confines of your apartment to head out for a prearranged meeting with someone you know only as “Roger”. The meeting was set up by your street contact, Larry, who swears that Roger is reliable. Now you are in a seedy bar on the wrong side of town, waiting for Roger to show up. You were told you will recognize him by the fact that he will be wearing a Def Leppard T-shirt. What do you do?
STEVE: I want a drink. Can we afford a drink?
EVIL TED: Yeah, remember I took all that money out of my mom’s purse two game sessions ago?
EDDIE: I’m going to play pinball, but at the same time, I’m going to keep an eye on the back door in case Roger comes in that way.
GM: Okay, roll a skill check.
EDDIE: I got a 4.
GM: You suck at pinball. Now it’s someone else’s turn.
EDDIE: Shit!
EVIL TED: I told you to take more ranks in Pinball, but you had to go and take all those ranks in Making Pot Cookies.
EDDIE: Shut up.
STEVE: I order a beer.
GM: The bartender says, “Let me see some ID.”
STEVE: I show him my fake ID.
(GM rolls a die.)
GM: The bartender is completely fooled. He says, “What kind of beer?”
STEVE: Uh… a lite beer.
GM: Evil Ted, what are you doing?
EVIL TED: Are there any hot chicks around? I have eight ranks of Pick Up Hot Chicks. My Comeliness is 24.
EDDIE: You do not have a Comeliness of 24.
EVIL TED: I do too! It’s balanced out by my Intelligence of 4.
(GM rolls a die.)
GM: There is a hot chick in the booth next to you, but she is sitting next to a big dude who has “I will kill you with my teeth” tattooed on his arm.
EVIL TED: Oh. Okay, I just watch the door for Roger.
GM: Just then, a guy comes in the front door wearing a Def Leppard T-shirt. He has long black hair, and he’s wearing sunglasses.
STEVE: Shit. Is that him?
GM: No one else in the bar is wearing a Def Leppard T-shirt, but let’s face it, Def Leppard is very cool. This might just be someone else who has a great fondness for Def Leppard.
STEVE: I’ll talk to him. I have ten ranks of Suck Up To Dealer. I go over to him.
GM: The bartender shouts, “Hey, you need to pay for that lite beer!”
STEVE: Oh, come on, I would have paid the bartender.
GM: This is a very realistic game, Steve. You didn’t say you paid the bartender.
STEVE: Okay, okay. I pay the bartender. Now I go over to the Def Leppard guy, and I say, “Hey, is your name Roger?”
GM: He looks at you and says, “Who wants to know?”
EDDIE: That is a good come back.
STEVE: I say, “My name’s Steve. I’m a friend of Larry’s. He said you might have some ‘things’ that we’d be interested in.”
(GM rolls a die.)
GM: He says, “Cool. Got some place we can chat?”
STEVE: I take him over to our booth.
EDDIE: Do I see any of this? Did I see that happen?
GM: No, you said you were keeping an eye on the back door, not the front door.
EDDIE: Ah, but I can use Detect Dealer any time I’m within 60 feet of a dealer.
GM: Right. So you’re all at the booth now. The guy says, “I hear you guys are on the lookout for some…” (stage whisper) “…high quality weed.”
EVIL TED: I use Sense Motive. Is this guy a narc?
(GM rolls a die.)
GM: You do not believe he is a narc. It’s possible, however, that he does not actually like Def Leppard.
STEVE: We could ask him questions only a Def Leppard fan would know. I’m a fourth level Butt Rocker; I would know what to ask.
EDDIE: His taste in music is not important.
STEVE: Who would wear a Def Leppard shirt if he doesn’t actually like Def Leppard? This is an important sign of whether we can trust this guy!
EVIL TED: It might just be his work outfit, to give him credibility with his customers. Like a business suit, except it says “Pour Some Sugar On Me”.
GM: The guy is waiting for an answer. What do you do?
EVIL TED: I say, “Yeah… if the price is right.”
EDDIE: Oooh, that was smooth.
GM: He says, “What if I told you I had more than just high quality weed to offer? What if I told you I had… 2-TC-special-G?”
STEVE: Oh my god, the holy grail of designer drugs! If we had some of that, we would so totally be able to get laid!
EVIL TED: I say, “That sounds pretty interesting. But you do understand we’ll have to sample the merchandise before we commit to buying something like that.”
GM: He says, “Naturally. Step into my office.” He gets up and starts to leave out the back door.
STEVE: Wait, “step into my office” – I make an Innuendo check to see what he means.
GM: He means “I have a VW bus parked out back.”
STEVE: Okay, cool.
GM: So he takes you out to the parking lot to his VW bus. You climb inside and are immediately impressed at all the shag carpet.
EDDIE: Is there a disco ball?
GM: There is totally a disco ball.
EDDIE: This rules! Why aren’t we playing Dealer characters? I thought being a Pothead character would be cool, but Potheads can’t afford rides like this and still maintain a decent supply of Doritos.
GM: The guy rolls a spliff and says, “First things first, here’s a taste of my fantastic weed, all the way from Escondido.” He offers it to you, Steve. What do you do?
STEVE: I’m going to take a big toke, but this is important – I’m just going to hold the smoke in my mouth and use Analyze Smoke to figure out where it’s actually from… I rolled a 20!
GM: You determine this pot was grown in a hidden patch within a mile and a half of Lake Wohlford in Escondido, was harvested within the last thirty days, and spent at least two weeks in the trunk of a Chevy Impala before reaching you in Spokane.
STEVE: Sweet. I inhale and pass the spliff to Eddie. I use our secret eye signal to let him know that it’s good stuff.
GM: You had a lite beer earlier – make a Nausea check.
STEVE: Are you serious?
GM: Look at the chart on page 58. Unless you have the Iron Stomach feat, a Nausea check is required whenever two substances are mixed – and in this case, beer and pot are contraindicated in a small percentage of the population, so make a Nausea check.
EDDIE: Give me the spliff before you puke on it.
EVIL TED: I say to Roger, “I think I’ll let Eddie and Steve handle sampling the weed. I’d prefer to sample the 2-TC-special-G… if you don’t mind.”
GM: The guy says, “I figured you would say that. Do you prefer to snort, swallow, inject, or inhale your 2-TC-special-G?”
EVIL TED: My character has ten ranks in Insufflation. I say “I’ll snort, thanks.”
STEVE: I failed my Nausea check.
GM: You are starting to feel nauseated.
STEVE: Shit!
GM: The guy pulls out a mirror and begins carefully preparing a line of strange white powder.
EDDIE: Have you ever tried this stuff before?
EVIL TED: No, but I have Exotic Substances Proficiency and Improved Trip. I should be fine.
GM: Eddie, you are starting to feel a good buzz.
EDDIE: Eeeeexcellent.
GM: Evil Ted, the guy hands you the mirror and a straw and says, “Knock yourself out.”
EVIL TED: I snort the line. Does it burn?
GM: Yeah, it burns a lot. You take two points damage for each of the next three rounds. You also begin clawing at your face.
EDDIE: Do I think he’s in trouble?
GM: You can’t tell, because… your buzz is starting to get very, very weird.
EDDIE: What do you mean, “weird”?
GM: As in… there might have been more than pot in that pot.
EDDIE: Ah, shit!
STEVE: What about me?
GM: You have a penalty of –4 to any movement while you attempt to resist the onset of nausea. If you do anything at all, you will have to roll a Saving Throw against Vomiting.
EVIL TED: Is it working at least? Am I starting to get high?
GM: Oh yes, it’s definitely working. In fact, you are already starting to get higher than you have ever been before. The guy starts laughing at all of you. Evil Ted, make a Saving Throw against Took Too Much.
EVIL TED: My Unfounded Confidence ability gives me a +10 on this save, so I get a total of 27.
GM: You stabilize and start to plateau on the substance.
EVIL TED: Okay, now that I’m high, I can use my Sudden Insight feat… what’s going on?
GM: It occurs to you that the next time you get offered a pile of strange white powder by a stranger, you might just possibly want to ask about the dose.
EVIL TED: That does it. I use Summon Psychedelic Entity and sic an elf on this punk’s ass.
GM: That only works on other high people. The guy never actually took a hit off that spliff. However… Steve and Eddie are both high, and both need to make a Saving Throw against Irrational Fear or they will both start having a Bad Trip.
STEVE: I failed my saving throw.
GM: You vomit all over everything as you start screaming in terror.
EDDIE: Can I tell what else I’m high on now?
GM: Yeah, there was PCP in that pot.
EDDIE: Great, that means I get a +6 to Brawl and all my damage is delayed until I come down, right? I’m going to beat the living shit out of this guy.
GM: Sorry, but you know full well Potheads aren’t allowed any violent actions. If you were playing a Pro Athlete, you could use Roid Rage, but you aren’t.
EDDIE: All right, how about I use Levitate Munchies to try to get a bag of Doritos to smack into his face?
GM: I’ll allow that.
STEVE: You say I vomit all over everything… can’t I make an attack roll to vomit on the guy’s lap in a stream?
GM: Oh. Hmm, yeah, he doesn’t have any cover, so that should be fine.
EVIL TED: Exactly how high am I getting here? Is this a fourth level high? Fifth level high?
GM: It’s an eighth level high. You’re losing a Wisdom point for every level past your actual character level that the high increases.
EVIL TED: Yeah, but my character is an Urban Shaman – and the higher I get on any substance, the more powerful this next action will be. I direct Contact High at the guy, at eighth level instead of fifth like normally. (He rolls a die.) I got a 20! Does it affect him?
GM: Wow, yeah… he suddenly starts screaming something about “where did all these flying monkeys come from” and clawing frantically at the air.
EVIL TED: Can I see straight?
(GM rolls a die.)
GM: Through the intense multi-colored swirling and the powerful pulsing of the universal tapestry, you are able to make out the situation, and the van door.
EVIL TED: I shout “Follow me!” and charge out of the van. I do a Spot Pigs check… any cops around?
GM: Nope.
EVIL TED: Great. I drag Eddie and Steve back into the bar with me. Is our booth still open?
GM: Actually, no. Curiously enough… your contact Larry is sitting in your booth. There’s a guy with him you don’t recognize… a guy wearing a Def Leppard shirt.
STEVE: But… but if this is the real Roger… who was that other guy??
GM: And that, gentlemen, is a mystery that will have to wait until next week’s session…


13 Responses to “Dungeons & Dealers”

  1. smonkey says:

    dude, this is _so_ why I carry my cokespoon+8 with me at all times. I hate it when I misjudge a dose.

  2. sethg says:

    the green guy in the corner: I got 9 in Curiosity, so I must find out who the fake Roger was. If not, my Willpower will decrease constantly till I’ll lose all motivation and I’ll just lay around waiting for some weed to pop up.
    (GM rolls a die.)
    GM: You get a 3. This means you can go out and look for fake-Roger if you want, but the chance of finding him and/or the van are around 33%.
    tggitc: Ok, I’ll take my chances. I go out and start looking for the van.
    GM: You have a -2 in Pathfinding since the “BURRITO” incident. So you need to spend at least 1 hour searching the premises.
    tggitc: Good. I start searching.
    (GM rolls a die.)
    GM: You rolled a 10. This would normally allow you to spot the van or the tire tracks, but you got that CoolHairstyle(TM) that gives you a heavy negative bonus in Scouting. So you only find a small baggie. Filled with a white powder.
    tggitc: Eeeeexcellent. (quote) I’ll take it. And sample just a little before going back in the bar. I’m doing this sacrifice so the guys wont have another surprise again.
    (GM rolls a die.)
    GM: You rolled a 2. You lose it completely and start spinning around shouting something about bats, convertibles and cool sunglasses.
    GM(announces all the other players): tggitc is out for 255 turns.

  3. pSi-man says:


    classic!! combining d&d into the story made it somehow more panicky-paranoia, with belly rolling gaffaws, realistic…
    yet not…what’s going on? maybe god does play dice with our inner-verse?
    thanks for the pick up!

  4. Susan Vargas says:

    This was brilliant.

  5. Christopher says:

    Heheheheheheh. More! More!

  6. liquidpig says:

    that was kinda funny. maybe i’m not saturated enough in the drug culture to appreciate it.

    i’m beginning to wonder.. is this scott guy a.. dare i say?… drug addict?!?

  7. jinji says:

    this shit is funny!!!
    is this a real game….?????
    if not im going to create this shot and sell it!!!
    i’ll call it “Pot-Heads & Dungens”.

  8. Bry says:

    dude, that was the most amazing dnd i have ever read, im not into them that mch
    but alot into drugs
    and bravo to u dude well done

    *load up the bong, crank up the song*

  9. I have to say, this is quite possibly the funniest thing I have seen since I rolled a 20 on a Concentrated Search and found a giant marijuana nugget sitting next to my computer. For me, this was unbelievably hilarious, as I have not only played AD&D as a game master but to this day actually run my own D&D-like, text-based game over Internet Relay Chat.

    Needless to say, relation was the key to success here. I also enjoy a hefty amount of recreational chemicals (imagine that). Keep up the good work – we want more! ^_^


  10. Smokey says:

    This was funny. :)
    Too bad I have a -10 in Thinking Drug Stuff Is Funny since I failed my parents’ Car Search last month and they are making me roll a Drug Test check every turn…

    If only I had leveled my Hide Weed skill…

  11. mojo says:

    ahh, the saving grace of 2t-c-special-g.

  12. medisines says:

    true funnies.
    Little kids love to chase magical bunnies.

    My ass may be dumb, but i aint no dumbass!

  13. Timppa says:

    There is actually made a card game called “bope fiend” (bilekuosi) in Finland….

    Bilekuosi is an outrageously rude card game about modern day party culture, a race to reach the state of mind called PARTY. To achieve this, you must hustle and get wasted with everything you can get your hands on…

    Pimp your hoes, bust your friends and pop some jailbait cherry. Blackmail dealers with incriminating photos and sell your used needles to other junkies. Nothing can stand in the way of your pursuit for drug-induced pleasure!