The Unbearable Lightness of Being High

I’m a lot of fun to have around at parties, as virtually anyone will tell you (provided they are not people who actually know me and I am holding their pet hostage). Part of what makes me so much fun to be around is my innate love for practical jokes. Over the years I’ve developed a particular specialty in one unique and enjoyable sub-genre – the psychedelic practical joke. It takes a very special person both to execute a well-orchestrated psychedelic practical joke and to appreciate the subtle and often deeply philosophical underpinnings of a psychedelic practical joke. In the absence of people like that, however, I offer you this entertaining and hopefully inspiring guide to the world of psychedelic practical jokes, as practiced by yours truly.

The Mortality Mix-Up – I’m sure you’ve all been there – in the midst of deep, deep exploration of the inner caverns of the mind, you suddenly come across the bright portal of white light that signifies a possible passageway to the other side, the afterlife. The next time a friend is over sitting for you, put on a blindfold and pretend that you are spelunking these inner caverns. Warn your friend that you are going in “very deep” and that they must not intervene, no matter what you might say or do. Then, start moaning and mumbling about “I see it, I see the light!” Then, actually die. Boy, will they feel stupid!

The Ontological Ooops! – This is a great prank to play on the grizzled old vet who claims to have “seen it all”. Next time you’re both on ayahuasca, confronting the mysteries at the heart of reality, secretly rearrange fundamental concepts into a baffling new configuration. Then when you both come down, pretend you’ve always lived in a universe in which the word “green” means “evil”, in which “religion” means “jelly doughnut”, and in which kicking people hard in the stomach is the accepted form of saying hello. You’ll have endless hours of fun watching them crack up, go berzerk, and pledge their undying love and affection to a vacuum cleaner.

The Permanent Freak Out – This one works best on younger trippers, who are still susceptible to that hair-raising realization in a particularly powerful psychedelic experience that they are never coming down. The next time you’re around someone who exclaims, “I’m never coming down!” you simply lean in close, put your arm around the mark, and whisper soothingly, “Of course you’ll come down, just give it a few hours.” Secretly apply an LSD-soaked epidermal patch to the back of the mark’s neck. You’ll never forget the look on their face when, three weeks later, they are finally carted off to the loony bin by big strong men with straightjackets. I never really get tired of visiting marks in the loony bin and just laughing and laughing and laughing.

The Entity Invasion – This is a perfect prank to pull on someone who has just inhaled two or three monster puffs of DMT. As soon as they lay back on your living room floor and start to feel the incredible DMT flash coming on, sneak off into another room and climb into your disguise: an eight-feet tall insectoid alien costume with enormous eye-stalks and long, sharp pincers. Hurry, you’ve only got a minute or two! Then burst back out into the living room and start shouting “Go away, human!” in your best menacing insectoid-alien voice. Years from now, you’ll both look back and laugh at the time you had to have your friend’s heart resuscitated by EMTs while you tried to explain that you couldn’t have dialed 911 any faster because, you know, pincers.

And of course, there’s my favorite:

The Promise of a Glorious Future – I’ve used MDMA, LSD, and 5-MeO-DMT to perform this prank, but I’m sure other substances will work. Wait for the peak of an incredibly intense and beautiful trip, and then spin an elaborate yarn about how the psychedelic movement has the power to change the world for the better, and how if we could only just “turn on” the right people, so much anger and violence could be avoided. The politicians of the world would set aside their differences and the fighters of the world would lay down their arms, if only you could share with them the majestic gnosis inherent in the core of the psychedelic experience. A fantastic sense of peace will ensue. Then the drugs will wear off, at which point – here’s the hilarious part – bone-crushing disappointment and depression will set in at the realization that “it was just the drugs”.

I’ve only pulled that one on myself, actually, but I do fall for it every time.


14 Responses to “The Unbearable Lightness of Being High”

  1. Rob Vann says:

    Wow! Growing the least little bit jaded about the psychoactive revolution, eh?

    Perhaps this all-to-common disappointment stems not from an unlikeliness of the intended outcome, but rather a simple lack of information about the underlying causes of today’s civilisational failures and systemic shortcomings. There is a (somewhat ironic) parallel between the continuing interest of psychedelic users to change the world and the various movements of the 60s and 70s that failed at accomplishing the same. I’d suggest this doesn’t come from a lack of good intentions or even really from a total lack of organization or capability, but simply from not having a single overriding vision for both where the world is now and where the world could be if some basic natural laws were acknowledged and held on to.

    For a bit more detailed exploration of my otherwise rambling point, I HIGHLY suggest checking out Daniel Quinn’s Ishmael (and the rest of his series of explorations on the subject). I try to give away as many copies of this book as possible to guide people, and it is excellent at preventing the jadedness you talk from. It doesn’t particularly acknowledge a role for psychedelics in the shifting of human consciousness, but I believe it is not incompatible — ultimately we can only benefit from revelational experiences.

    Have a great day! ;)

  2. Simon says:

    That gave me a good laugh, it reminds me of the humour found in Jack Handey’s Deep Thoughts, except applied to psychedelics. Keep up the good work.

  3. James Kent says:

    Scotto, you forgot the best psychedelic prank of all: The Lost & Found! The next time you’re with a group of people all tripping their asses off, wait until everyone is peaking and then sit up and shout, “Oh my God, I’ve lost my wallet!” You can also substitute car keys, cell phone, or large bag of dope for the missing item. Act all panicked and start freaking out, then watch how all the others snap into action, fumbling around the area like ping-pong balls looking for your lost item. While everyone races around trying to find your item, you sit in the corner repeating, “Oh my God, I’m fucked! I’m fucked! Maybe I left it outside!” When everyone scatters to find your missing item, rummage through their bags for any extra cash or drugs they might have. Hey, it beats working!

  4. Tom says:

    you joker YOU!!!

  5. amanda says:

    marvelous job on the pranks.sad thing is ive done all of them except the alien one hahaaha! well ill see if i cant submitt my pranks or experiences! thanx!

  6. joe says:

    that was the most funny thing i have ver heard!!! HAHAHAHAHHHAHAHA!!! LOL. I does beat working

  7. Psiloman says:

    Well,i laughed my ass of especially at the DMT one…God,i almost pissed myself.
    Hehe,however funny though i hope noone tries them,especially the LSD patch one since we all know
    how scary things can get with a big dose of a psychedelic…

  8. Dude who writes comment says:

    I am surprised to see comments enabled. Anyone know where I can score some 2-TC-special-G?

  9. skyler says:

    omg, the DMT prank is absolutely hilarious. What a great idea.

  10. lisa something says:

    you actually need drugs for this?
    2 words for u MY FAMILY

  11. required says:

    Wow those are some mildly creative and theoretically funny pranks there. Much more hilarious is how badly I would beat you if you were to pull one on me whilst I am tripping balls. Come to think of it forget beatings, I am tripping balls am I not? It is theoretically possible to chop an assholes head off with a meat clever in the midst of extreme panic and confusion. Just think about how out and out unpredictable and untouchable young trippers can be. Don’t say you weren’t warned. To sum it up pranks on trippers = funny but risky (quite possibly a pain (in the neck))

  12. sam says:

    Awesome. . . thats all

  13. mojo says:

    very funny, but i think im too considerate of other people to do any of them. it would be hilarious to see it happen, tho.

  14. mobile phones texts…

    mobile phones texts…