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Age : 30 (b. 1983)
Previously published as Lightwarden
An Introduction to Xorkoth's Personal Philosophies
Hello, fellow travellers. This is not an experience report from a single experience, but rather a written account of the conscious effort to fully integrate what all psychedelics have shown me up until this point, which just snapped into place yesterday during an afternoon of relaxation, deep thought, and, coincidentally, orally consumed cannabis.
We are all one consciousness which has not the means for subjective experience as it is, experienced subjectively through applying physical stimuli. Time, reality, and all other and higher dimensions exist all at once as a singularity, just as our familiar dimensions of 3-dimensional physical space exist all at once. Therefore, time experienced subjectively is an illusion, albeit a beautiful and powerful one. Because of this, the universal consciousness is able to subjectively experience itself as all things simultaneously and separately. To do so, it operates as a 'consciousness machine', which basically is always in the process of experiencing all things, all at once, regardless of time, distinct reality present in, and so forth. To do this, it produces a physical shell which, through some as-of-yet undiscovered physical properties, be it a brain or otherwise, 'filters' or limits awareness of certain dimensions. In our case as humans, our familiar and measurable dimensions are allowed access, while in 'higher' (perhaps better to refer to non-heirarchically as 'different') dimensions we are limited to existing in only one 'slice' of, such as time and reality. Because we only exist in one infinitesimally thin slice of these dimensions, unable to perceive freely in them, we are entirely unable to conceptualize them or experience them unless we are able to take a step back, so to speak, and view our position from afar when we can see more of the big picture. Psychedelics, fortunately, can allow us to accomplish this. Most of the time, these filters are simply messed around with or partially removed, so that the result is mostly a crazy, alarming, and sometimes very fun experience but which mostly lacks in spiritual bearing. However, sometimes the elusive 'peak experience' is had, which Shulgin attempts to sum up as a '+4 experience'. It's this kind of experience that tends to really change a person, because one is offered a rare glimpse into the way it is to be that sum of collective consciousness all at once, as we (not the human we, but the 'us' we). Once you have experienced something so real and overwhelming, it is unlikely you'll be left unchanged. It also gets easier to understand what is happening in subsequent trips, and thus it will be easier to return to that kind of place. However, that sweet spot seems to need to be hit, where just a bare shred of the ego is left attached, battered into submission but still conscious. Otherwise, the ego is dissolved entirely and once you're back, your human self will have no memory of the event at all, though of course it will still be perceived by what you really are. This happened to me once on 2C-E, but fortunately, I remember everything leading up to it quite clearly, albeit with infinitely less clarity than I intuitively knew it at the time.
In fact, the belief I had previously arrived at, that we are each a unique 'speck' of the vast flow of consciousness which goes in and out of physical lives, is not true. Instead, we are all the exact same consciousness - only one exists, and all of us are merely that one consciousness experiencing itself under a different set of dimensional circumstances.
I'm now going to apply this mindset to each of my significant, 'peak' experiences, to see whether or not it holds. Although I'm sharing this with you, it is primarily for solidifying my own thoughts on the matter.
On mushrooms, I first encountered the basis for this theory, and for years I integrated it more and more, arriving at more and more sound conclusions (in my mind at least, they're sound). This experience, which happened to be my very first psychedelic experience, sent me straight out of my ego, but since it was a rather low dose (1.75 grams), my ego was not destroyed at all, but was instead reduced to a totally insignificant size. It was as if my 'self' was shrunk down from 100% to 1%, and resided down there in the very bottom right corner. It was as if I had woken up into a consciousness that was godly and vast, and so complete that it made my current physical human life like a speck of dust floating around the cosmos. Vast quantities of information flowed through my awareness, all at once, timeless. Eventually I let myself flow out and became fully aware of anything and everything my awareness brushed. At the time, and for years after the experience, I came to believe that I was experiencing myself as my own 'speck of consciousness', which belonged to the vast flow of the lifeforce but was separate from each other speck. In fact, though, I now believe that since my dose wasn't high enough for total ego dissolution, I was still experiencing myself as a human being on some level at the same time as I was experiencing myself as raw consciousness, so it gave me the illusion that I was still distinct from everything else.
My next +4 excursion was with an 18mg dose of 2C-E, years later. On this trip, not only did I watch reality deconstruct so that I was able to glimpse into alternate formulations of reality, but the ultimate climax of the trip was my visit to the void. As I approached the void, I was still partially attached to my ego for most of it, and I was filled with unspeakable terror. My ego felt an absolute lack of any perception looming, which is what we the singular consciousness must experience without churning out subjective consciousnesses, and its attempt to conceive of this experience (or lack thereof) resulted in a feeling of complete and utter annihlation. The thought of no linear perception scares the willies out of us! As is only natural. Before ultimately resigning to my fate of eternal nothingness, I perceived myself joining with, or rather emerging into the oneness, and then there was nothing as my ego dissolved entirely. I seemed to blink and it was suddenly 30 minutes later and I was down considerably. This experience grew my doubts, at first, because I had been shown that self-awareness was a joke, an illusion, and completely not real, and that beyond this dream we call life, there is absolute nothingness. But I've come to realize that this perception was my ego's last desperate thought before it was annihlated due to waking up from the dream. But our consciousness lives on. It makes me wonder if that's the whole reason that this 'consciousness machine' exists, so that the universe isn't an entirely empty place, lacking any perception of anything.
Now ketamine is the thing that really started to tie this together. During my two excursions on it, which were both considered peak experiences due to their extreme dissolution of my ego and completely mindblowing nature. During my ketamine travels, I experienced myself not even remotely as the human being who is writing this, but in fact as the only consciousness in existence. Strangely, it was as if that consciousness were segmented, communicating with itself about things I can't remember but which carried grave importance. It was as if there was a part of whatever process that I interpreted as sliding around gray tunnels was no longer fully automated since I was aware of it, and other parts of myself were guiding this part along so that it wouldn't glitch. The fate of all perception seemed to rest on this, in such a way that if I were to screw it up, the past, present, and future would cease to have ever been. As anyone who has really done ketamine knows, I really can't explain this too well, but the experience speaks for itself.
Anyway, I just felt like writing this up because it was occupying my mind. It took a lot of experience, many years, and a lot of sober reflection to arrive to this point in my understanding, and to be able to link it all together coherently. I feel as if I've reached a milestone. However, I'm not arrogant enough to believe that my exploration is finished, or that I have the whole picture. I'm quite sure I as a human never will. But I derive great comfort and joy when going through my life in my sure knowledge of the kind of existence we lead.