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I Was God
Ayahuasca
by boomsteffy
Citation:   boomsteffy. "I Was God: An Experience with Ayahuasca (exp99399)". Erowid.org. Feb 7, 2016. erowid.org/exp/99399

 
DOSE:
T+ 0:25
  smoked Cannabis
  T+ 0:00   oral Ayahuasca

BODY WEIGHT: 115 lb


Let me start off by saying that I had put off this trip for about a week, I was a bit hesitant and my boyfriend (Sane) randomly decided to just do it. I didn't want him to trip alone, the plan was for the both of us to share the experience so I gave in and told him I would too. The provider gave us 3 small water bottles. Two of which were completely filled and the other was filled to a quart, so my bf and I would have to split it.

12 am: Sane began to drink his, gagging in disgust. Which made me a bit nervous. Then he walked out of the room not yet finishing it. I decided to just chug it as quickly as possible. Gagging as well. My throat burned and felt as though I had dirt stuck in it. My bf then came back in, surprised that I drank the whole bottle so quickly since he hadn't finished his yet. He quickly felt nauseous, as did I. We then went outside where he threw up profusely. I ignored my nausea thinking if I threw up too soon, it wouldn't hit me.

12:15 am: We went back in the house for him to brush his teeth, this was perhaps 15 minutes later. Then I felt as though I could no longer hold it in and told him to go outside with me.

He said he felt better after puking so I decided to stick my finger in my throat to speed up the process. It worked eventually.
12:25 am: I managed to brush my teeth afterwards. And my nausea had begun to turn into a not so pleasant sensation. I quickly felt the world around me change. It was like a punch in the face. There was no gradual build up to the trip.

We went back outside to smoke some weed. Sane was totally calm, saying it hadn't hit him. I had to sit and put my head in my hands, I felt anxious and nervous. This was a bad start already. I managed to take a hit from the bowl and refused to smoke anymore. I felt too sick. Doing my best to wait on Sane to finish smoking we eventually went inside when he told me his two best friends were going to come over to see us and spark us up, I told him I'd stay inside instead. I looked for comfort in his bed. My body felt weak, it was as if I could feel gravity pushing me down. My stomach was very angry with me.

12:55 am: Sane put music on, I believe it was hip hop. It felt to intense, making everything feel hectic for me so I told him to put something to fit the mood. By then he was tripping, but clearly at peace. I was curled up into a little ball on the bed, shivering. He tried to comfort me, covering me with a blanket. And he began to draw next to me. We talked a bit, I was trying to enjoy the trip as hard as I could, trying to focus on the music which helps somewhat.

1:05 am: Everything is moving, the walls are breathing. My vision is completely distorted, I refuse to get up from the bed. I'm feeling nauseous. My body hurts. I'm doing my best to keep my cool. He tells me to try to nap and see if I feel better, I can't.

My stomach gets the best of me and I rush to the bathroom only being able to reach the sink. There goes my chilli cheese fries (probably shouldn't have ate that earlier that day).

As I'm throwing up, I'm thinking 'the toilet is right next to me, why am I using the sink? omg his parent are home, I mustn't make it obvious that I'm spewing'. Finally, I brush my teeth once again and attempt to clean the sink.

1:15 am: I get to the room where I try to tell my bf to check the bathroom and make sure I cleaned it well enough, by now my words are slurring. Sounds like I'm drunk out of my mind. I lay in the bed and his friends have arrived.
They are comforting in greeting me. But I'm not up for their presence at all.

1:25 am: They are about to step outside to smoke and insist I go but I refuse and stay alone in the room instead, I tell Sane to please hurry back.

I thought I could handle this part, that maybe tripping alone would be enlightening and change things up a bit but this is where I suddenly peak.

I look around the room, trying to enjoy the visuals and eventually I become crazed and confused. I begin to think it's been too long since Sane has left with his friends. Probably only being 5 or 10 minutes later. I begin to think he may never come back. My mind starts wondering and the thought of my existence is being questioned.
Why am I here? Is this even real?

I touch the wall next to me, and try to concentrate on my bf's art. It becomes my Totem, realizing I'm in his house and this is real life. That there are people in this house unaware of what is going on and possibly sleeping. That I must keep calm.

I then begin to think that I am alone in the world I've created. I am God and whatever I say goes.
I then begin to think that I am alone in the world I've created. I am God and whatever I say goes.
And I begin to cry because I start to believe my bf is not real. That I'm alone and completely insane.

I've lost track of time and the music has stopped.

Talking to myself, I'm repeating the same exact actions. I sit up, look around, touch the wall next to me (my totem), tell myself I'm still here, I'm still human, and lay back down. I repeat that probably about 15 more times. Thinking crazy thoughts in between.

Exhaustion has over come me. Eventually I see the bedroom door open and it's my bf.

I'm overwhelmed with happiness to see him.

He is automatically aware that I'm in a very bad place and tries to calm me down. I begin to cry to him, telling him I thought he was gone forever.

Eventually I get aggressive and crazier than before. I tell him I'm his God. I can make him do whatever I want. That anything I'd say would happen.

By now I think we are the only ones in the world. I'm trying to convince him of this but he tells me, 'we are not alone, my parents are here. Calm down'. But I can't. I bite him, trying to make sure he is really there and I'm not imagening him. I bite myself. I bite the blankets, I touch the wall. Eventually, I begin to tell him to hit me, which he refuses of course. I keep crying. Telling him he's the best thing that's ever happened to me. That I'm afraid he's going to leave. I remember saying names, names of random people, exes. Asking if they're real.

I tell Sane I hate him. To make love to me, he tries. I'm too loud, he covers my mouth and mistakingly covers my nose. I can't breathe and I go into panic. We stop having sex. Everything is wrong. I tell him to kill me, to please just make it all go away. I begin to claw at my stomach. He stops me. He's angry, thinking I'm going to get him in trouble. He begins to push me away and I begin to cry and laugh. He already thinks I'm faking it, telling me I'm a terrible actress and I tell him I'm not lying. I can't help it. I feel insane. I just want it to end.

He suggest we shower and takes me into the bathroom where he helps me undress, he steps in first and then I. But I just stand there, letting the water hit me. It somewhat helps calm me down.

The night continues with me crying in fear. Sane tells me he loves me and proposes to me officially. I'm come back to earth for a bit once he does that. He has me again.. Eventually I start to fade away and get crazy again. But I'm more calm, just speaking nonsense.

5:55 am: Eventually I'm worn out, I begin to pass out in his arms.

Exp Year: 2013ExpID: 99399
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: 18 
Published: Feb 7, 2016Views: 7,073
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Ayahuasca (8) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Bad Trips (6)

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