Mushrooms - P. tampanensis
Citation: Ben. "Myself Then Love Then God: An Experience with Mushrooms - P. tampanensis (exp99092)". Erowid.org. Nov 8, 2016. erowid.org/exp/99092
The following is a summary of my experience with dragons dynamite magic truffles I had yesterday, from the diary I have written during the trip and what I can remember from it. I was already familiar with psychedelics, having used acid something like seven times, mushrooms three times, and hawaiian baby woodrose once. I had never been able to experience psychedelics alone. I had heard it could be the best way to turn the trip into a deep introspective experience, and because I wanted to answer some questions like 'what is the goal of my life ?', 'what should I change to be happier ?', 'what should I do to be a better person ?', I decided that I had to do it.
I had ordered a week before some magic truffles on the Internet. The specie is called 'Psilocybe pajateros' . I had ordered 6 grams of dried truffles. It was apparently equivalent to 15 grams of fresh stuff. Taking the whole thing would be a strong trip according the the seller. I decided to eat all the truffles at once, I have tried in different occasions to take half of a dose and then redose, but it has always been disappointing, lasting the comedown instead of increasing the edge of the experience.
So here are the set and the setting. I was some kind of tired after a week of stressing work. I was hesitating all day about taking the truffles this night. At 7pm, I took a decision. This would be the night. I prepared a music playlist on my computer: some Ravi Shankar, some Pink Floyd, some Air (french eletronic music band), Pat Metheny, Jimi Hendrix and Grateful Dead songs. I did some pranayama yoga exercies to relax before the journey, lighted some incense, and ate the truffles raw with some water to swallow more easily.
After having eaten the half of the stuff, I felt mild nausea. It was really weird to feel it just a few seconds after chewing and swallowing, I had the feeling of poisoning myself badly. I forced myself to finish to eat the whole thing. Then I turned the TV on immediately, to watch the Simpsons, laugh and forget this nausea, and wait for the effects to come. At this time it was 8:45pm. I went quickly to brush my teeth in order to clean my mouth from the bad taste of the truffles. It helped to calm the nausea. But immediately I had some tremors and I was laughing at the Simpsons too easily. Fuck. I was watching the Simpsons to wait for the effects, but they were already starting to come.
9:05 (T+20) : The Simpsons characters started to have weird and scary faces. The colors were too strong and the nausea was growing because of this. I shut down the TV on put the playlist on to calm down.
9:09 (T+24) : Colors started to move mildly on one painting on the wall. I had never felt so quickly the effects on any psychedelic. I realised at this time it would be a mind blowing experience. I wasn't scared, but it would have been a lie to say I was 100% relax.
9:11 (T+26) : My train of thought started to be disturbed. It was difficult to think about only one thing. I felt dizzy. I started to walk in the room, drawing circles, because I was sure it would help. It helped.
9:13 (T+28) : I started to ask myself why I was doing this. Was it a good idea ? Was I really prepared for this ? It was stronger than anything I did before. No one of my friend knew what was going on. This thought was frightening. Should I call someone to tell ? And I started to laugh because I was considering the situation like if it wasn't myself, and it was funny. My mood was violently shifting every minute.
9:20 (T+35) : Ravi Shankar was on. I started to feel the need to dance. I felt better. It was really enjoyable. I had the weird sensation of being one of these Indian women dancing to the sound of tablas and sitar. I am a man, but I felt like I was a woman. Weird but fun! Writing this on my diary, I realised that I was writing on it every 3 or 4 minutes. My god ! My time perception was already distorted.
9:27 (T+42) : I have two plants in my house. I realised they were living beings, and the fact I own them must make me take care of them. My mood was still violently shifting from good to bad every minute, and I realised that mood was a critical factor to give an interpretation of reality, that there were infinite ways to consider anything depending on how I feel. Making sure that I would be in a good mood most of the time is really important to understand things properly.
9:31 (T+46) : I felt tired. I sat on the couch. I knew it was because I was already tired before taking the truffles, so I decided it wasn't important.
9:33 (T+48) : I started to squint. My right eye was moving to the left. I was able to feel it from the inside of my eyeball and obviously from what I was seeing. I had never heard of squinting on psychedelics. What that normal ?
I had never heard of squinting on psychedelics. What that normal ?
I decided once again to not give any importance to this. I knew the trip would be strong and that I was at the very beginning, so giving importance to such things wouldn't be useful comparing to what was waiting for me.
9:34 (T+49) : Fuck ! My last note on the diary was only one minute earlier ? It seemed like at least 20 minutes ! Anyway, I wrote down that I realised something really important about myself. I was always worrying too much in my life. Instead of doing experiences (and I'm here not talking only about taking psychedelics, I'm talking about any experience you can do with your life) and then learn from them, I was always asking myself too many questions and it was preventing me from living. I decided at this time that I would care less about such questions and do more. At this time, it was really difficult to focus, and writing down was taking a lot of time, because I was always finding something better to write, about something completely different. I was telling myself all the time 'Man ! Write something, finish your sentence and see later about the rest'.
(I'm here skipping some details to go to what's important).
9:58 (T+1:13) : I realised something else. In my life I always worry about a lot of stuff, but most of the time I worry because I don't do like the rest of my friends. I don't like to go in bars to pick up girls, because I don't like this and for me this is not the way to start a relationship. I don't like to party every saturday because sometimes I just feel like relaxing and getting some rest. What ? I was worrying about this ? I do have the right to be myself and to have my own principles and way to live. We're all different. Do your stuff. I decided I would listen to myself more from now instead of listening to people.
(Again I prefer to skip details).
22:30 (T+1:45) : Everything's coming stronger. Feelings coming from the music. Hallucinations on every single part of the room. Lights. I was feeling incredibly good. I was not worrying any longer about myself, because this is not what was important at this time. I started to feel really connected to all other people, and disconnected from my ego.
I started to feel really connected to all other people, and disconnected from my ego.
I was used to this with shrooms and LSD, but here the feeling of love and compassion was growing and growing without limit. That was a fact, every human being must have love and respect for the others, period. Feeling of anger against others is evil. All I could feel was love, and love, and love. I was spelling aloud the word 'a-mour, 'a-mour', 'a-mour' (I'm French), like if it was helping me to understand the true nature of the word.
From now I forgot to write down the time on my diary. All the following happened between 22:30 and 1:30. (So the total trip duration from the beginning would be almost 5h).
I strongly realised that every person must take care about the words they use. No one should offend anyone. Words can make people enemies. Enemies are only people that cannot understand each other. I realised that this leads to WAR. I started to cry. The love feeling was overwhelming, so at this time I was unable to understand why people were killing each other. For money ? For food ? For petrol ? If they knew which words to use, people who need something can get it from people who have more. And people who have a lot and want to steal from the ones who have less are devils. I also realised that everyone should learn from other cultures, otherwise we won't be able to understand people who live differently, and then it could be the root of misunderstandings, and it might lead to war.
People say 'War ? Yeah, this is terrible. But this is not my problem, I have already a lot of problems to deal with'. 'My' problem ? 'MY' ? What was this ? 'My' ? We are all brothers and sisters on Earth, because we all have the same parents, who were living thousands of years ago. We are all from the same family. I realised that problems like war are only family problems, raised to a breathtakingly scale. I started to understand clearly all those people dedicating their life to fight against war. Fight against war ? It was no-sense. You cannot fight to calm down people. This is the root of the problem. Every problem must be taken with non-violence. At this time I had a profound respect to Gandhi, who did a lot of great things without 'fighting'.
At this time I realised I was still overwhelmed by love, but at the same time I was scandalised and angry. Angry. Oh lord, it was disgusting to feel some anger. I understood that I had to practice yoga every day to prevent myself from getting feelings like anger.
Eventually, I realised that not only we are all from the same family, but we are from the same family than plants, grass, rocks, and all the rest. We are all made from the same chemicals stuff, neutrons, protons... Evolution of species and reproduction from a same species is only transfers of molecules... We are all the same thing ! The 7 billion people we are, are the same person. We are all GOD. GOD is inside of all of us. And GOD is pure love. I don't know how the idea of God came to me, but it did, it was pure evidence.
I realised I have to dedicate all the free time in my life to pray. I have to connect to God as often as possible. Prayers, yoga... the goal is always the same. Connect to God. Spread love all around the world. Because god is love, and we cannot survive without love. Children of God are fighting each other and don't realise that parts of God are dying here and there. I don't know if I believed in God before this moment, but from now I was without any hesitation.
I realised randomly a lot of other things. Psychedelic songs are prayers. They relate the story of God in various ways. I realised also that I might move in an ashram to dedicate my life to God. Those people living there have understood before what I just realised now. They spread love all around the world. I realised also that religions that use any kind of violence will fall, because they're FIGHTING for God and you can't fight for God. You just have to love. Praying is loving.
The comedown was quite okay. I felt starving. I had a beer, a meal and a cigarette. Bak to normal life. I'm not going to move tomorrow to any ashram. This implies too much, I don't have the energy to consider this seriously. But for sure I'm going to increase my practise of yoga and take care more and more about the words I use and try to love people as much as possible. This is the only way for me to have a good life.
In summary, taking psychedelics alone was a great way to solve some of my problems, but because it was a high dose (for me at least), it made me able to realise that I truly believe in God and that I should take care as much as possible about others more than myself.
Taking notes was essential to understand the train of thoughts during the trip the day after.
As I said, I was really surprised by the strength of the effects, mental and physical. If it would have been my first experience, it could have been a really bad experience.
Enjoy your future psychedelics experiences, and take care.
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