Citation: Wiccan_Seeker. "A Christmas Tale of Ego Death and Rebirth: An Experience with Methoxetamine (exp98745)". Erowid.org. Jan 6, 2013. erowid.org/exp/98745
I will now attempt to put into words the MXE trips I had on the first and the third days of christmas 2012, the Holes of which were the most intense and experientally rich I had to date. Much will be lost as the experiences were so very intense that they defied scrutiny, I was too caught up in the experience to keep track of it all. To not make the post too long I will try to cut it down to its essence and do a lot of skipping.
I had not used any recreational drugs in a month, it was time to get out there again.
DECEMBER 25 - 100mg MXE (30 + 20 + 20 + 30 mg)
THE GOOD WOMB
I had taken my 30mg sublingual, which ripped up my reality hard, and kept me edging on anxiety for a while. Then I took 20mg sublingual and retreated to bed. In bed I had a Good Womb experience. I regressed partially to being a foetus floating in amniotic fluid in the womb. I was completely carefree. The foetus didnt need to breathe, didnt eat or go to the bathroom, all was provided by the umbilical cord and the nurturing living environment surrounding him, in a life that until them had been entirely free of problematic external circumstances. It was so peaceful, so comfortable, the ultimate Christmas feeling and this for someone who prefers to be left alone on christmas.
I had dinner, met with online friends and had a good time, then parted with them and took 20mg sublingual. The effect was markedly delayed so impatiently, while the incense sacrifice of the former dose was still burning I took another 30mg sublingual. I sat myself down and then the 50mg began hitting me all at once driving me into the Hole.
EGO DEATH AND THE BIRTH EXPERIENCE
I got higher and higher, but also more and more filled with unrest. I got focused on my breathing, forcing myself to breathe, trying to keep it calm but gasping for breath, the experience intensified beyond anything I had experienced. My inner DJ began spinning electronic samples ever faster and faster, tighter and tighter, the visuals became such a whitewater of imagery that I just couldn't keep up with it, thoughts spun faster and faster. Part of me wanted to just scream out loud in despair. Every now and then I opened my eyes in utter turmoil but I knew that whatever it was, I had to DO THIS. So I gathered courage, closed my eyes and got overwhelmed again.
I felt tremendous pressure on my body, being pushed through the birth canal. At the same time I was utterly disgusted with my obesity and general state of my body and life. It got worse and worse. I clutched my body in my arms in a one-person-hug and began unconditionally accepting my body, my life, my actions and inactions I felt were wrong, I was being pushed and pushed though the birth canal. My body became as large and a true universe in itself as I clutched it, held on for dear life, whispering my acceptance of my body and self ever more fully. It became spiritual. Acceptance of Self became worship of God, surrender to God. Through accepting myself I let God into my heart, through surrender to Life I surrendered completely to the Divine Plan, whatever it was.
I surrendered completely to a perfect storm of complete annihilation on all levels. By surrendering to Ego Death I surrendered to Life itself, to the Universe.
Suddenly it all decompressed, agony torn into bliss and the unspeakably intense experience became highly euphoric. The baby was born. With closed eyes I raised my arms to the sky. Slimy amniotic fluid was oozing off of me, I was breathing freely. I groaned 'Merry Christmas' and let myself come to my senses.
It was the most extreme suffering i had to endure to date, but I never had been closer to God, I felt. It was all worth it. It was religion in its purest form, complete surrender to the cosmos entirely, the ultimate faith that all would be well.
I went to bed feeling blessed and exhausted.
DECEMBER 26 - 30mg MXE (30 mg)
This is an interlude. I did an experiment. I took 30mg in my mouth, dissolved it in saliva and kept it under my tongue for 10 minutes, then spat it out and rinsed out my mouth, then waited an hour and a half to see what the effects of the sublingual phase were. They were negligable, less than 5mg MXE equivalent, so I took 30mg an hour and a half after, orally. A full fledged classical MXE experience unfolded, 10min quicker because the mouth delay of sublingual use was bypassed. I abandoned sublingual use as irrational. Sublingual use in essence is oral use with a mouth delay that adds very little to the experience.
DECEMBER 27 - 110mg MXE (20 + 20 + 20 + 20 + 30 mg)
The third day of christmas is a rather special day for me, the day I had my heart attack in 2002. This day marked the tenth anniversary, and no second attack had followed it. Reason for celebration!
My best friend and I got together and had a bit of a drug party, discussing lively. He dove into beer and weed and I set myself up with 3x 20mg ORAL MXE. These were happy and thoughtful experiences, despite the festive atmosphere serious life topics were not shunned. It was very pleasant.
After he left, I took a fourth 20mg orally, closed my eyes in a candlelit room and sat in stillness, quietly musing. I reflected in part on a movie from Burkina Faso called Yaaba that I had seen the day before, about the lives of an old socially outcast lady and two children intertwining. It became a wider reflection on life itself.
THE CELEBRATION OF LIFE AND DEATH
At 3 AM I took a dose of 30mg orally and sat myself down. Hole blackness began swirling and I retreated to bed. In bed, the visuals began coiling and then took shape. At first I saw trees from above, and soared over an endless jungle. Then I saw masses of colorful people in colorful clothes all walk in one direction together, I realized it was the journey of Man through Time. My inner DJ spun joyous music throughout. I took a sharp pull to the right and was paddled in a canoe through a cave, lit by torches held by the men in the canoe I sat and the one before it, a sharp twist again, I saw the beauty of nature, rich and splendorous. I saw a huge mountain of skulls, but this wasn't an ominous sign of death, but remnants of those who passed on and found peace and completeness in death and carried their journeys on to other lives. The souls that had inhabited every single one of those skulls were in peace. Life and Death was One, and it was all Good. I traveled on and on, through unspeakable visual splendor and divine joy, until I finally, two hours after going to bed, descended into sleep. It had been beautiful without limits, my most visually symbolic and joyous Hole ever. It was as if I had been given a glimpse of the afterlife.
That's the gist of it guys, I hope you got something out of it.
One thing I learned from this trip is that it PAYS to spend a month sober before diving in again, it was so much more profound, and at significantly lower dosage.
I also learned that oral MXE is just as good as sublingual and therefore preferable, because sublingual retention is unpleasant and possibly dentally objectionable.
COPYRIGHTS: All reports are copyright Erowid.
Experience Reports are the writings and opinions of the individual authors who submit them.
Some of the activities described are dangerous and/or illegal and none are recommended by Erowid Center.