Citation: Lucyfer. "Heroic Dose-Induced Nightmare: An Experience with LSD (exp98623)". Erowid.org. Apr 2, 2018. erowid.org/exp/98623
||Cannabis - High CBD
||(edible / food)
NOTE: I did not have a tolerance to LSD at the time.
It was a typical Saturday afternoon. A week prior, I had made plans with 3 of my friends to trip on some very potent liquid LSD we had picked up recently. I was given a serious warning from my dealer not to consume more than 3 drops. He sincerely claimed that the vial needed to have a warning label on it. His source had driven several hours to another city just to obtain the acid, because it was such a wicked batch. It was supposedly 'barely diluted'. Being my usual skeptical self, I decided I was going to ignore his advice and go balls deep to see what beautiful places my mind could take me to. My friends were very inexperienced with LSD for the most part; 1 friend (who will be called JAM) had tripped a total of 7 or so times, another (D) a single time (actually 2 days before this trip), and the other (KA) was dropping for his first time for his birthday. The day seemed all too perfect for anything to mess up, despite the fact that during this time in my life, I had had a myriad of personal issues and insecurities (that could possibly lead to bad experiences, but I didn't completely take that into account).
I'm honestly starting to get slightly uneasy even thinking about the experience I am about to describe.
Around 3:30 P.M., my friend (KY, he was sober) picked me up from my house. He was with D and KA, who were minutes away from consuming their acid. We drove to my other friend's house, where my personal stash of acid was sitting in the freezer. The LSD was dropped onto sugar cubes. Our plan was to drive to our friend JAC's house and enjoy the ride in a safe setting, while the people that opted not to trip smoked marijuana.
I walked into his house and saw a couple of my friends there. We briefly conversed and smoked a bowl of top-quality CBD-rich Sativa marijuana (an anti-psychotic chemical in marijuana that reduces anxiety) for a few minutes as a 'way to ease me into my trip' (haha, yeah right, I believe this is what made the come-up so overwhelmingly fast). I pulled a whopping five sugar cubes out of the freezer and shoved them in my mouth, then licked a bunch of sugar crumbles off the foil which came from the edges of the 11 sugar cubes I had in my stash. My friends were a bit shocked I was willing to go that far, but they sort of already were used to my tendency to consume large quantities of psychedelic drugs. I talked with them for another 10 minutes or so, then I went back to the car.
On my way to the car, I noticed I was starting to feel increasingly disoriented. It wasn't that euphoric, confusing sort of disorientation, it was more of a 'I'm losing fucking my mind' sort of thing. I felt slightly anxious, but I assumed the negative feelings would pass as soon as the acid took full effect. A couple minutes after I got in the car, D ate 2 sugar cubes, and KA ate 1.
I suspect this was easily around 1000 micrograms. I have consumed 100+ ug blotter that did not compare at all to this liquid. On a separate occasion, taking two of these was enough for a level 4 experience (hallucinations, ESP, OOBES)
The experience was about to get very, very ugly. To give a little perspective on the unfathomable effects of 1000 mic doses, here is a quote from the Nobel Prize winning chemist Kary Mullis that ingested 1000 micrograms for his first dose:
'When you take 1000 micrograms of LSD, you don't know you've taken anything. It just feels like that's the way it is. You might suddenly find yourself sitting on a building in Egypt three thousand years ago, watching boats on the Nile.'
Yes, it is THAT FUCKING CRAZY.
Ten minutes into the car ride and twenty minutes after eating the sugar cubes, I was rapidly losing all touch with reality. I started wondering what the fuck was going on around me, and why I was feeling so uncomfortable.
I started wondering what the fuck was going on around me, and why I was feeling so uncomfortable.
I started telling my friends I was really scared, and the intense anxiety was gripping every single fiber of my body. I thought I was going die and that this trip was going to last until the end of eternity. By the minute, I was starting to panic more. This was only the beginning of an unimaginable nightmare that would show me the 'evil' side of LSD and completely change my opinion about the drug in general.
25 minutes after taking the sugar cubes, we arrived at JAC's house. By that time, I was stumbling all over the place and I was already having severe visual distortion. All movements were followed by strobing trails composed of detailed patterns, kaleidoscopes, and rainbows. These visuals that I would have usually considered beautiful were now viewed as a reminder that I was in the middle of a trip that I so desperately wanted to end.
When I got inside his house, I saw a few more of my friends sitting on the couch. My body temperature had elevated to the point I thought I was burning alive. I was completely out of my body and almost felt like I was on a high dose of ketamine. I felt embarrassed because I obviously looked like I couldn't handle my shit; maybe this was just an extreme amplification of my general self-esteem issues. Their faces were assuming demonic forms. I fled to JAC's room. I was already starting to experience ego loss. I was going in and out of consciousness.
This is the point where I lost track of time, so there is no point of trying to estimate anything....
JAC followed me to his room and did his best to comfort me and talk me out of my bad trip. It was a completely ineffective attempt. A couple minutes later, I started crying hysterically. Everything was getting darker. I fell into the most depressive state of my life, combined with the most acute sense of panic I've ever experienced. The floor was covered in spiraling kaleidoscopes that were rapidly shifting colors. I heard thousands of voices call me names like 'pussy' and 'bitch'. The room wreaked of sewage and feces. This was the most negative emotion a human being could ever fathom. I so desperately wanted to kill myself but I was immobilized and unable to move. I realized that the voices were of all of the people I resented in my life the most. Cartoon blood was all over the ceiling and the walls. My vision seemed to stretch off into infinity. I was hallucinating so much I couldn't fucking believe it. I could see many different events of my life playing out as if it was waking reality. Try and imagine being inside of a Saw movie first hand, but a thousand times more horrifying and traumatic. There was a moment in which my mind would shoot out of my body two feet in front of me and then return into my body, and this looped over and over again for what felt like FOREVER at an impossible speed. Time was non-existent, and a second felt like FOREVER. Not hours, not days, but an infinite amount of time.
I kept hearing this bizarre futuristic noise that sounded like a computer glitching. The whole room was flashing as if something was flicking the on switch for a lamp up and down repeatedly. My jaw was rapidly vibrating like I had taken 300 mg of MDMA (I always get major jaw clenching from acid). I had full-blown synaethsia. Everything was one, everything was infinitely interconnected. I would look at the walls and become the walls. I would look at the floor and then become the floor, looking back at my body in a dissociative fashion. I was unable to differentiate any part of the outside world from my own physical body. The concept of 'I' was now a mere construct of my mind, and 'I' was nothing more than a complex bundle of atoms and molecules.
The floor started to wither away and die. It was as if it had human emotions and was feeling every bit of suffering I was going through at the time. Everything started to turn blood-red. I was going straight to the depths of hell. Matrix numbers were literally exploding out of the ground and shooting up and down the walls. I felt like I was on DMT, only it was a thousand times more intense.
Somehow, just a little while after this part of the trip, I regained some degree of consciousness. I stumbled to the backyard, where a group of 8 or so people were sitting and I was watching the sky and everything in my external environment turning black and red. I could barely see anything, my vision was almost completely shot. I forget that I even had a body at this point and I had absolutely no control over my muscular movements. I was in this 'survival mode' where my mind was on autopilot and and I had no idea that I was on drugs. I lost balance and fell backward onto the ground. I continued to see more incredible vortexes of matrix- style numbers and letters spurt out from every direction.
During my friends' attempts to help restore me to sanity, they asked if I knew what time it was. I responded with '8:00 A.M.' when it was late in the afternoon. That was quite enough of a response to prove I was completely and utterly going nuts and there was no real way to help me.
Once night fell, I was full-on peaking in JAC's room. I began to literally have no idea who I was, where I was, or what drug I was on (or what drugs were in the first place). I knew that I was going to die and nothing could be done to stop it. At some point at the beginning of the peak, I realized that I could not recognize the room I was in. Suddenly, I started seeing several cop cars pull into the room and put their sirens on. Yellow caution tape magically appeared around them as well. This was one of my worst nightmares coming to life before my very eyes. There was a line of already-arrested criminals in handcuffs next to the cop cars, and they were all complaining that I had snitched on them for some unspecified reason. I knew I was in for absolute hell.
Before I could see what was going to happen next, everything started fading to white. I could see nothing but burning white light, like I was looking directly at the sun from 100 feet away. What I saw was.....the ultimate truth. The answer to every question. The reason reality is the way that it is. I existed within the past, present, and future simultaneously. I couldn't see my own hand in front of my face. I dissolved into infinity. I was existing in an infinite number of dimensions, living an infinite number of lives simultaneously for an infinite amount time. Though my memory of this is hazy, I believe I re-lived every event of my entire life during the peak. I could fit our entire universe into a period at the end of a sentence. Time was a point of nothingness. I was everything, yet I was nothing. I was in pure ecstasy. I felt the unconditional love of the universe penetrating every pore of my body. If only this could have lasted forever. I suppose this was a taste of the beautiful part of ego death, but my stay in this ineffable place was cut short when I was suddenly catapulted into hyperspace, where I experienced every ounce of pain any human being could ever possibly experience at one time. The love rapidly shifted to evil in its purest definition. I saw many miserable people I had seen throughout my life, including the homeless and starving. My brain's sensory filter was gone; every last bit of information that could physically be processed at once was flowing through my head at light speed.
I was dropped out of hyperspace directly into a hallucinatory prison facility. I saw hundreds of pitbulls, white supremacists, and naked black men running around. It was a state of sheer pandemonium. I have never been so unbelievably horrified in my entire life. I was now sure that this is where I would die. I was taken to the showers where I was bitten repeatedly by pitbulls and raped by the white supremacists and black men simultaneously. I was sobbing hysterically screaming for it stop. It was physical and emotional torture beyond your wildest dreams. I felt every single sensation, including their penises in my anus and the razor-sharp teeth of the vicious dogs.
Who knows how long this actually went on for, but eventually this torture ended and I was back in JAC's room. I saw all of my friend's faces covered in knife wounds and deep, bleeding cuts. Puddles of blood were all over the room. My joints were still in severe pain from the physical torture I had just experienced.
I looked at the clock, and it read 9:00 P.M. (or something along those lines).
Minutes after I came back to earth, I realized that the purpose for human existence was to love. Love is our higher purpose. I now understood that the ego I had developed my entire life was an illusion all along. Our egos push us away from our ability to feel compassion towards others. As your ego fades away, you slowly dissolve into pure unadulterated LOVE. The illusion of separation created by our egos has been the root cause of suffering all across our planet, and sadly this is the reason the majority of the world kills each other for absurd purposes like religion and resources. Religions like Christianity hide behind the idea that there is an afterlife because they are afraid of death. There is nothing to fear, because when you die there is no “you” to fear anything. THE ONLY THING THAT SEPARATES US FROM OTHER FORMS OF LIFE IS OUR ABILITY TO THINK. Our ego is composed of our thoughts. When we stop relying on our ego, we cannot experience negative emotions. When we stop thinking, our ego ceases to exist, and then we can live a life of pure love, peace, and prosperity. The more we rely on our ego, the more we push ourselves away from the moment which is all. Nothing outside the moment we are in right now will ever exist. Yesterday never is, and tomorrow will never be. Time is infinite. The past, present, and future are all occurring simultaneously. We are merely observers. Free will is an illusion.
This was by far the most profound experience of my entire life.
I quickly forgot all of these things within 15 minutes of the peak ending. I didn't fully understand the lessons I learned for until months had passed after the trip.
I quickly forgot all of these things within 15 minutes of the peak ending. I didn't fully understand the lessons I learned for until months had passed after the trip.
The next day was easily the worst day of my life (excluding the trip). I felt so self-conscious about myself that suicide was all I could think about. I was thoroughly convinced that I had ruined my life permanently. During ego death, I became aware of the severity of my many mental disorders. I realized that throughout my entire life, I had been looked down upon as the 'special kid'. I had not been aware of this until that moment. I felt like the most inferior form of life on the face of the earth.
After I got home I burst into tears. I even thought my family felt sorry for me and had pitied me my whole life because they thought I was a moron.
I had a psychotic break for weeks afterward. This was easily the most traumatic thing I have ever gone through in my entire life and has left a lasting mark on me that I carry to this day. It's been over 6 months now and I think about this trip every day of my life. It's nothing any human being ever deserves to go through and I would never wish it on my worst enemy.
Over time this trip has had a profound impact on all areas of my life, in both positive and negative ways.
Positive: I have very close friends now and rather than the 'special kid', many people now view me as a very insightful and intelligent person. Before this experience, I had very, very few friends. I wasn't close friends with the ones mentioned in this report, but we chilled every once in a while. I now know what true friendship is. I go to parties, I meet new people all the time. I suspect I used to have a mild form of autism and this trip literally eradicated it. My entire family has mentioned multiple times that I'm a transformed person. I have fully developed social skills. I act normally now. I view everyone I meet as a part of my own consciousness. I've earned excellent grades at my community college and have grown tremendously - multiple people have commented that I'm an entirely different person. I've taken up buddhism and adopted a very spiritual lifestyle.
Negative: Several months ago, I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. I suspect I was already pre-disposed to this condition and the trip brought it out. I still have mental flashbacks nearly every day and have been scarred by experience. I frequently have nightmares about this trip. My thoughts can be very scattered and clouded at times. My thinking is very impaired on some days, but it's very sporadic. I've learned how fucked up our world is, and sometimes I feel that ignorance is bliss. Our society disgusts me. I think that the human race is a joke.
I am going say one thing: Do not take a high dose of acid unless you have a proper set and setting or it can turn into the worst nightmare of your entire life. 300 micrograms is more than enough to have a spiritual experience. 1000+ micrograms did not provide a near-death experience, it provided a BEYOND-death experience.
LSD is a seriously powerful drug and it has the ability to FUCK a person like nothing they could ever conceive of. In fact, after this experience I firmly believe it is the most powerful drug known to the human race.
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