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A Diary of My Solitary Misuse
Citation:   Nympha. "A Diary of My Solitary Misuse: An Experience with MDAI (exp96974)". Erowid.org. Oct 23, 2012. erowid.org/exp/96974

  oral MDAI (powder / crystals)
This is a diary of my solitary (mis)use of the research chemical MDAI.

Part 1 - I purchased 1g of MDAI from an online vendor, not sure of reliability. A quasi-knowledgeable friend vouched for its purity. The powder was white with a slight goldish sheen and some easily crumbled crystalline structures.

I lack the proper equipment to measure dosage correctly, but knew a 'hit' of MDAI should contain 150 mg - 200 mg, meaning 1g = 5-7 hits. I measured it out by eye.

I had 3 consecutive nights of experiences -

Day 1 (roughly 150 mg, 100 mg redose T+3:00) drank with hot coffee
Day 2 (roughly 200 mg, 150 mg redose T+3:00) drank with hot coffee

Drinking the chemical with coffee on an empty stomach made it kick in fast. I was all the way up within an hour every time I did this.

Note that I smoked marijuana throughout all of these trips, and it mostly had a relaxing effect, and enhanced CEV's.

The first two days were understandable by my brain as typical of 'rolling' on MDMA, which I've done something like 5 - 7 times in the past, usually very far apart. In a manner identical to MDMA, I had intense empathy and love for my friends, and felt greater feelings of acceptance about the realities of the world, other people's life choices, my own life choices, etc. Each dose lasted roughly 4 hours, with the first 2 being the most intense. At times my empathy did reach uncomfortable intensity, and I felt a deep sadness for someone else's predicament, while knowing I could change nothing. This has often happened to me with MDMA as well.

I experimented with various activities, but stayed inside my trailer, where I live alone. As with some of my more intense MDMA experiences, a lot of music sounded eerie, frightening or simply overwhelming. More than I remembered with MDMA, it was hard for my mind to process music, especially if it was unfamiliar. I was able to have a couple great musical experiences, but the experience would shift and soon enough begin to feel overwhelming. My brain seemed to be desperately searching for wisdom, or true goodness of intent, as well, and so sleazy/dark sounding dance music was not a welcome thing, even though I usually love it and find myself thrilled to hear it on LSD. I did end up loving some soundscapes by Steve Roach, due to their unchanging nature and air of knowing.

I experienced a pastel blurring of vision, and had brighter closed eye patterning than usual (I usually experience faintly glimmering CEV's with marijuana), felt like I could see energy fields around me with greater clarity. My CEV's were also warped into different dimensions than usual (experienced psychonauts know each drug comes with certain 'shapes'). At the time I thought to myself there was very high likelyhood I could experience open eye visuals with higher dosage. This is the same way MDMA has felt to me in the past. Please note that in general, I am a very hallucinatory person: I've experienced CEV's sober for my entire life, they appear at odd moements, and I also have some sober open eye distortions as a residual effect of heavy LSD use.

Despite a sort of restlessness about the state of mind it creates, it was certainly the least speedy 'ecstacy' I've ever had, much like others have said. Any speediness was likely from the cup of coffee.

I ended up finding myself most comfortable when I set the vibration in the room for myself by creating simplistic, droning ambient sounds with Ableton Live. I had already set the intention that I would record an album on MDAI before I bought it, so this was a good discovery. I did end up completing an album's worth of music in those 3 days. This was at times purely joyful, as was mixing DJ sets in Virtual DJ, which also provided me with a large degree of control.

Day 3 (roughly 300 - 400 mg, 200 mg redose T+3:00) drank with hot coffee

Day 3 was a real surprise, an absolute brainfuck! I had intended to take a higher dose, but clearly underestimated the amount I ended up ingesting. At around T+0:35 it hit me like a stack of bricks, and I realized this stuff went a little deeper than I'd supposed. The world was engulfed in a maroon-ish haze which dimmed all objects, and threatened to distort them into murky corroded forms. The world felt as it was pushing intensely in on me from all sides.

I was not prepared for intense visuals from the drug and the thought unnerved me as I've heard tell of 'zombies', so I stopped looking at the pictures of people on my computer screen and decided to try to focus my mind with some intense sensory stimulus. I walked down the hallway to my bathroom, intending to immerse at least some part of my body in the hot water of the tub.

As I turned on the water and placed my feet in, I contemplated that even on large doses of LSD, I had never experienced such an intrusive and persistent a visual distortion as this maroon fog. The warm water did feel good, but it wasn't enough. Involuntarily, I repeated phrases over and over in flambouyant voices. I stuck my head underwater and found myself intensely utterly, almost growling, a rhythmic syllable 'NOMnNOMnNOMnNOMnNOM'. I typically sing drones / practice mantras while tripping in order to focus myself or experience my personal power, but this time I was singing for dear life, struggling to hold on. I felt the drug determined the strange undulating rhythms of my voice, normally not near as rapid.

Soon I was slightly more used to idea of tripping balls on MDAI, and I walked back into the living room of my trailer. At some point I said to myself 'Peace is possible..' and from this, a tangent of more positive thoughts followed. I repeated the word 'affirmation', sounding it out slowly to myself. I began a series of intense stretches and body positions, feeling trapped in my muscles, frozen in position as they are from years of sitting in a chair, in front of a computer. The movements I made were utterly bizarre, but it felt quite pleasurable to feel my skin and clothing moving across mattresses, blankets, etc.

At this point, the most interesting thing of all happened: I experienced conversations with entities which were either imaginary or interdimensional. Sometimes, it was as if my inner monologue had manifested as separate personalities conversating. There are images I remember seeing that I'm not sure I exactly hallucinated. The boundary between my mind's eye and my physical eye had blurred.

I walked back into the bathroom and I thought I saw the face of my friend F. in the shower curtain, for example, as if there was a hole cut in it and his face looked through. The sounds of the shower water formed the words in his sentences. It was a rather delirious state - minutes later I could not remember what I thought had been said. The memory of this compelled me to name a track 'The Shower Spirit Paint my Eyes Turtle Shells'.

I decided to go outside, to the woods behind my trailer. It was a cool summer night and there was a likelyhood the fresh air would be good for my tripped out brain. Even in my fucked up state, I felt capable of understanding the common sense behind this and other basic decisions. I got outside and was surprised to see the stars leaving very bright tracers across the sky, thinking I'd never had tracers of that nature on any other drug. I walked the path towards the woods and found them less threatening than they would've looked on LSD at night. I thought fewer paranoid thoughts about what could lurk in the dark.

I ended up lying down on my back in the grass, which felt wonderful. I discovered that running my fingers through my hair felt just as good as had it at raves a couple years back, and realized that the sheer amount of serotonin in my system at the moment rendered almost any physical touch a pleasing experience. I writhed around in the grass, pulling out clumps of it with my hands, and at that time began receiving positive, empowering texts on my phone from my friend E. about our aspiring DJ careers. I was in a very good headspace, crooning to myself, 'Whooo could've known? Whoooo could've known?' and resolving to make the best of the situation I had created by accident. I noticed that many plants I saw were composed of component fractal parts, though not as noticeably as with LSD. However, one very unsettling and bizarre effect occured at this point in the trip: for a period of a few minutes, the images perceived by my two eyes failed to integrate, and I saw out of them separately. I was later unsettled pondering the implications of this.

Back at my place, I came down making some more droning music and playing some fan made Doom WADs. Doom was no fun, the maze-like aspect to the levels was frustrating. While this trip was very intense, unexpected and 'dirty' feeling in some ways, I wasn't sure whether I should doubt the purity of the chemical.

The after effects were intense and lasted days, if not weeks. For about a day, I felt numbed, relaxed, detached, and free of a lot of my usual anxieties, but also scatterbrained. This feeling is a familiar phenethylamine hangover to me, akin to what I've experienced from 2C-B. It's nice but seems to have bad implications for the time period following.

Indeed, in the day after that, this gave way to an almost desperate surge of motivation which lasted a week or more. I found myself tearing up very often and get passionately involved in anything I was thinking about. I began recording nearly a half hour of music daily, dreaming profusely of throwing my own raves and creating an entirely new scene of psychedelic music in my area. Good thoughts seemed unbelievably wonderful, but bad thoughts were so horrible that all was lost forever. It was like time was of the essence, and the mundane life of the past was just not good enough. A restless state of mind that none-the-less could produce good things.

I had nightmares and trouble sleeping for a couple of days as well. As I was about to fall asleep, I would often experience frightening hallucinations and sensations that would jolt me awake, somewhere between a nightmare and a trip.

I also experienced a slight, periodic 'hiccup' or jolting sensation in my perception that I certainly did not have before using MDAI, every 10 seconds or so. It faded away after a few days. At the time I referred to it in my inner monologue as a 'reality flicker'. I did not like it.


Part 2 - I purchased another 1g of MDAI, which arrived roughly one week later after my last experience from the first batch.

Day 1 (roughly 200 mg, 100 mg redose T+3:00) drank with hot coffee
Day 2 (roughly 250 mg, 100 mg redose T+3:00) drank with hot coffee
Day 3 (roughly 250 mg, 100 mg redose T+3:00) drank with hot coffee

This time, I intended to spread out my dosages. This didn't end up happening. I have been known to lack restraint on occasion, and this stuff could be said to be addictive as well. Again, there were 3 consecutive days of experiences, and the whole gram was consumed.

Some very interesting stuff happened here. I was more careful with dosage and nothing matched the severity of the third night I'd had before. I was able to explore some of the possibilities indicated by that trip without overwhelming myself. Possibly due to serotonin depletion, the empathic effects were lessened during these 3 trips, but the more psychedelic aspects were if anything stronger than before.

My fascination with stretching and body positions resulted in my digging a few yoga positions out of my memory and attempting them while rolling. I would feel the energies in my body pleasingly focused at the stretch points in my muscles. I also realized I could assume certain states of mind by assuming certain body positions, and it reminded me of Don Juan's describing to Carlos Castaneda how to turn into a bird, feeling each of your limbs become a bird's limbs, etc. I tried some experiments to this effect and experienced interesting shifts of perception. At one point I was making swimming motions while lying face down on a bed, and it was as if I was soaring over an abstract sea of CEV's. Quite the feeling of freedom.

There were mild open eye distortions during the peak portions of these experiences.

After this, I once again had a day of sedated relaxation followed by a period of intense emotional sensitivity, even amplified from the days after consuming the last gram, except I didn't feel so strangely motivated to create anymore. I thought that part of it was fine, seeing as I'd created a pretty absurd amount of music already.

I was horribly sore from the yoga I'd tried to do, and realized that on MDAI I often pushed my body much further and harder into stretches and positions than I should, and therefore what I was doing was ultimately not helpful to my body. This drug really has the ability to create delusions of grandeur and impair judgement.

I experienced no jolts in perception or 'reality flickers' after doing this batch.


Part 3 - I purchased 3g of MDAI, which arrived roughly 4 days after my last experience with the second bag. At this point I knew I was using it too much, and truthfully I didn't get a single moment of pleasure out of this batch.

Day 1 (roughly 750 mg taken over 12 hours or so)
Day 2 (roughly 300 mg, redose of 450 mg at T+3:00)

I was just contemplating that I should stop taking the substance when it arrived. An already sensitive person such as myself really can't handle all this sensitivity, and that particular morning I felt a strange faintness and unfamiliarity about all things around me. I still somehow convinced myself to take a large dose right then, and so began an awful 2 day binge during which I consumed somewhere between 1.25 - 1.75 grams of MDAI.

I never came up into a pleasureable state. In a way, it was psychedelic but there was no empathy, pleasure or visual hallucination. I tried to take a high dose, but it tastes too horrible to put too much in one cup of coffee. So I drank several cups of coffee: big mistake. Awful restlessness. And because it didn't feel good, I kept trying to take more. I was delirious, and before I knew it, I'd been in this state for upwards of 12 hours. I had a dull headache, I couldn't think straight. I dimly pondered that I must have a tolerance. The feeling of 'not rightness' that had surfaced or lingered in the back during my previous trips was pervasive, all consuming, all evident. In many ways, I was dissociated from the world. I sat in the sun on my porch, and felt no warmth from the light, something which ordinarily lifts and elates my soul. I had a total lack of understanding that my negative state came about due to MDAI. I still contemplated taking more.

I eventually feel asleep and woke up the next morning feeling truly horrible and devoid of energy, like a ghost, a whisper of a person. Gravity was strangely skewed. I called in and said I was too sick to come to work. Of course, the lack of pressing responsibilites only led me to taking the drug again within a couple of hours. There wasn't as much awful redosing this day, but I still took two doses, the second of which was gigantic and truly toxic, quite upsetting to my stomach.

There was a sweltering, stuffy heat all through the day and I was in agony. I was sweating profusely, feeling nauseous and horribly irritable, having hot flashes, I was sure I'd given myself a fever with this stuff, truly not for human consumption. The disgusting taste of the powder in the back of my throat was making me gag several times every minute. At one point I couldn't find my marijuana pipe and got so angry at myself that I yelled 'FUCK!' and punched my head as hard as I could something like 20 times. I couldn't seem to do anything but sit in my horrible hot trailer and watch Star Trek the Original Series. After 8 or 9 episodes of Star Trek the effects of the drug finally went away. I felt such relief in being able to think straight.

As hard as it might be to believe, it was truly difficult not to use MDAI the next day. It was as if I couldn't remember that my normal life without the drug was happy, but as soon as I finally did experience a day of life without it, I remembered, and it became incredibly obvious how superior sobriety / THC was to MDAI. A strange and sinister delusion to fall into... Marijuana was instrumental in bringing me back to my usual self.

4+ day hyper-psychedelic hangover.

The four days following ceasing my use of MDAI after my binge were one of the most psychedelic experiences I have ever had. It is almost as if my soul has been rearranged, or if I have been placed in a duplicate of my life with an appearance slightly altered in an indescribable manner. Objects appeared with an unstable, pastel unfamiliarity, at times ominous, at times beautiful. I felt wide open, emotionally and intellectually sensitive to thoughts, sounds and images. I found myself tearing up 15+ times a day, as often for sheer joy as seemingly endless despair. At times I was sure I was feeling a 'serotonin depletion', at others I felt perfectly able to be cheerful, use my energy and appreciate beauty.

I experienced sensations that I've only had before at the most intense peak moments of my deepest, most bizarre trips, for example seeing objects as composed of thousands of smaller objects arranged in fractalized patterns. Sometimes I felt trapped in a gothic, surrealistic fairytale universe, almost as I could interpret the things in my day to day existence the way they would be in a Tim Burton film, etc. People looked, still kind of look like goblins or zombies, especially from afar. I very nearly hallucinated memories from other people's lives. I saw many fragments of dreams.

The 'hiccups' in my perceptions happened again as well, and they were much more unpleasant and violent this time. I would find myself jolted awake by them whilst trying to sleep at night. Instead of a single 'hiccup', they came in volleys. I am quite thankful these subsided.

After those 4 days, an intense sensation of difference in my universe lingered, but ceased to be so overwhelming. I am now able to use these sensations for intense psychedelic insight and artistic inspiration. I can sense many layers of psychic space around me. I don't regret that these things happened, but I'm certainly done with this shit for a while, possibly forever.

Ah, the vast and unknowable world of phenethylamines. What to make of all this?

Exp Year: 2012ExpID: 96974
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 23
Published: Oct 23, 2012Views: 11,200
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MDAI (499), Chanting (456) : Entities / Beings (37), Addiction & Habituation (10), Alone (16)

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