Follow @Erowid on Instagram!
All the Way to Creation and Back...
by Aya
Citation:   Aya. "All the Way to Creation and Back...: An Experience with Ayahuasca (exp96881)". Oct 11, 2012.

  oral Ayahuasca (tea)
    smoked Tobacco - Cigarettes  


I am extremely fortunate to be part of a very special family. My wife, her ex and their daughter share the same raw passion as I for inward exploration. I have known my step daughter since she was a baby and I have always felt deeply connected to her... Clairvoyants have told me repeatedly that I am her spiritual dad and many situations have validated this through life. We are a close unit with absolute trust and loyalty between us all…

We arrived at the Johannesburg venue for our second experience and gave in to the gentle excitement around us. Most of the small group was familiar to us from the previous week's session.

My first half mug of ayahuasca tasted as foul as it did the week before, only this time honey was not provided to ease the instantaneous urge to vomit. I nipped outside for a quick cigarette and a friend joined me. Upon returning to the ceremony room, I lay back on my makeshift bed in anticipation. The psychedelic music inspired images of bright colored snake-like energy patterns moving over me. The Australian Shaman smudged us all using sage smoke with a feather. I felt a shift deep inside me as he cleared my chakras...

I have heard many negative stories surrounding Shamans who give Ayahuasca Ceremonies a religious flavor. My initial response to the suggestion that we should attend this ceremony was that I preferred doing light doses of Pharmayuasca with my family in the comfort of our home. My friend Keith assured me that this Shaman was different and boy was I glad that I listened to him! We took the tall Australian to dinner a few nights before the first session to get a feel for everything and not long after meeting him, our minds were made up! He gives preference and reverence to the plant… Nothing else! He plays deep electronic music through the sessions with periods of silence between. He opens up a space for us to experience ayahuasca as a natural part of our own intelligence. He trusts that people have a cellular relationship to DMT and does not interfere with our innate ability to communicate on this level. In short, he was fabulous for our experience!

I enjoyed the colorful graphic display as the underground music grew more intense. After what seemed like half an hour, he asked me if I wanted more ayahuasca. Even though I was doing fine in The Space, my intention to go as deep as I could came through clearly as I nodded excitedly.

The second shot went down like acid but I managed to hold it down. Only just! My body went down and I lost myself in a spectacular technicolor light show of magnanimous proportions! I remembered my intentions for doing the ceremony and I began to speak to the presence. My veins bulged from what felt like a freezing liquid invading my bloodstream. I cried like a child as I begged The Mother to help my loved ones... The powerful waves of energy became so intense that I flitted in and out of minute states of unconsciousness. But managed to return to reality for long enough to complete the list of intentions I had imbedded in my memory for the days preceding.

Now it was time to explore! I enjoyed the warm feeling for a while and then, for some reason, I uttered the word 'Kali' and the entire world I was in began to change into a dark and cloudy environment. Freaked out by the sudden change of scene, I tried to will away the terrifying image of a dark wrathful being threatening to break through the dark cloudy veil. After a few minutes of begging and pleading, the scary visions finally began to fade away.

I went into a dark void for a while. I had a few flashes of blurry images in this time - nothing I could hang onto or recognize... Then I fell... Backwards into a gigantic black hole! At first I tried to stop it but my feeble efforts where futile. I let go in complete surrender as a strange whooshing noise filled my consciousness...

I sat up at this point and noticed that one of the other participants was also sitting up. Our eyes locked for a few seconds and a strange comfort swept through me. I knew that this stranger was a special being and as I lay down again, I wept with joy as I knew he understood me at that very moment. I was not alone…

I had always programmed myself to believe that I was not from this realm, and that this was my first life experience as a human being on Earth, etc, etc. All previous attempts on Pharmayuasca, psychics, etc to regress me into my past lives had failed miserably. Banisteriopsis Caapi blew through my blocked memory like nitroglycerine! At some point as I spiraled backwards into the endless void, I suddenly exploded with the force of an atom bomb! I felt minute fragments of my being merge with the cosmos and an incredible feeling of interconnectedness swept over me... I witnessed in awe as deep spiritual realizations overwhelmed me. Most of them I cannot remember but the few that stuck in my memory are deeply profound.

I wept as thousands of images began to rush through my being at lightening speed! At this point I felt the warm presence of that stranger standing behind me. Giving me waves of loving energy and support. I basked in it as I struggled to cope with the millennia of information that was swamping my very core. I felt him follow me to the very edge of my own reality and all that time knowing that he was encouraging me to go further.

I managed to hold on to one frame of an ancient lifetime as a warrior leader. I felt the blood of many on my hands and I cringed as waves of guilt filtered through me. I had a glimpse of many dark images of lifetimes on Earth but could not process them in time. However, the emotions from thousands of incarnations were made available to me in a massive download of pain, suffering, guilt, exhilaration, joy, sexuality, morbidity, anger, judgment, love lost, love gained, depression, anxiety, wholesomeness, fertility, etc, etc, etc. This was especially hard on me and I blacked out a few times in this state. It was an overwhelming amount to deal with at one time. People around me in the ceremony room later told me that I was extremely loud and distressed at intervals. I guess this must have been one of them!

By this time I had lost all recollection of who I was, where I was or what I was and fear crept over me as I contemplated the reality of being lost forever in this dark space. The stranger had disappeared and I knew that I was very deep in this strange space. All the while I still had the feeling of falling backwards in that crazy spiraling motion. I realized that this was the reason we need God in our lives… When confronted by our true selves, it is difficult to cope with our sheer power! It is much easier to deal with life when another is responsible for everything…

At last everything slowed down and I felt an incredible oasis of peace and tranquility. It lasted a while. Incredible waves of energy surged through my being as I realized that this must be the place we hang in before manifesting into form. As time passed, I felt different emotions in that state of lonely and timeless perfection. There was incredible sadness, loneliness, longing, power, non-attachment, beauty, desperation, etc. I understood that this was the answer to my own question about why we’re here... I always wondered why perfect beings would ever want to be born in the material reality which is so full of challenges. Well in that state of perfection, pregnant with potential and possibility, there is an overwhelming urge to express oneself as an individual. Even in that perfect balance, the need to “be” overpowers the absolute form of nothingness… We are all here to express ourselves in the way that we have chosen before birth. Whether it is a life of hardship or success, our higher selves are unconcerned with the material judgments of right and wrong, good or bad… Our higher selves are delighted to be part of this play… We take it all too seriously and get caught up in the duality… That was incredibly revealing for me!

Then I remember being in a starlit void of some kind. There were bright sparks popping in and out of existence all around me. I realized I was in the place of creation and possibility! Waves of exhilaration permeated my being but I also felt the crushing weight of responsibility at the same time. I knew that I could reach out and touch any spark I wanted and that would bring something into existence. I also knew that I had no control of what the outcome would be as good or bad did not feature in this state so I declined the offer. I realized then that everything is perfect as it is… All we need to do is be grateful for what is! Everything is perfect and when given an opportunity to change something for better or worse, I was satisfied with what I had! Again, very profound indeed…

At some point afterwards I was cast into a dark jungle scene. I remember being terrified as dark beings pursued me through the forest. I ran and ran for what seemed like hours! I could hear the heavy breathing behind me getting closer and closer all the time. At the same time I had a strange awareness that I was running from myself!

I suddenly felt a surge of needle like pain in my feet. At this point I was jolted back into my body and I sat up in an instant! A few seconds passed as I finally realized where I was and that the Shaman was performing some sort of weird reflexology on my feet. The pain rose up through my body and I felt a strange loving sensation come over me. I knew I was safe in his care. I felt him reassuring me that everything was all right. I relaxed, let go and entered a deeply peaceful state of surrender.

That was the last memory I had. After the reflexology I might have drifted peacefully for hours but at some point I fell asleep. I awoke to noises of people moving around in the room. Again I had no recollection of whom or where I was. I struggled to open my eyes. The first picture that I saw was my wife’s beautiful face. That was pure magic for me! I struggled to clear the blurry image and at last clarity emerged through the fog. We smiled at each other for a long time and at last I had the power of movement. People were moving softly about the room… I wanted to get up and go outside for a cigarette but was not confident that I could. It took me about ten minutes to get to my feet with the help of the wall as support. Thankfully my wife’s ex came over and helped out of the room. My legs felt like jelly but he expertly guided me to the front yard where participants were excitedly discussing their experiences.

I leaned against my car as I struggled to process the conversations around me. My wife appeared deep in conversation with the stranger who accompanied me in my trip. Our eyes met and I knew that the special man understood everything. At that point I could not remember much of my experience but he jogged my memory sufficiently. He remembered more of my trip at that point than I did myself! An incredible connection manifested between the stranger and I and as we spoke I realized that he was an experienced traveler with psychic gifts. I promised to call him in a few days to discuss my experience in a sober state as I was still tripping in waves! The whole scene was of deep love and joy between all the people there. Just a very sensitive, loving and gentle space… Wow! What an experience!

As we drove home hours later, we shared our experiences and chattered endlessly about it all. The space, the people we’d connected with, the kindness, the love, etc! Deep inside, we all had a notion that our lives had been touched forever... All we could feel was deeply grateful for the opportunity to rewire our subconscious selves. Thank you, Julian. Thank you, Ishmail and family for providing the healing space. Thank you, Ameet for sharing my journey. Thank you, to my family for allowing us all the space and love to grow. Thank you, Mother Ayahuasca for revealing herself to me, my family and the rest of the group. Thank you, spirits and guides of the jungle…

Exp Year: 2012ExpID: 96881
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 41 
Published: Oct 11, 2012Views: 17,677
[ View as PDF (for printing) ] [ View as LaTeX (for geeks) ] [ Switch Colors ]
Ayahuasca (8) : Group Ceremony (21), Relationships (44), Guides / Sitters (39), Entities / Beings (37), Music Discussion (22), Mystical Experiences (9), General (1)

COPYRIGHTS: All reports are copyright Erowid.
TERMS OF USE: By accessing this page, you agree not to download or analyze the report data without contacting Erowid Center and receiving written permission prior to your downloading the data.

Experience Reports are the writings and opinions of the individual authors who submit them.
Some of the activities described are dangerous and/or illegal and none are recommended by Erowid Center.

Experience Vaults Index Full List of Substances Search Submit Report User Settings About Main Psychoactive Vaults