Citation: fruitnuts3. "1st Time Extrovert Talking to a Girl: An Experience with Amphetamines (exp95821)". Erowid.org. Mar 18, 2020. erowid.org/exp/95821
--------Depressed and in therapy
I was in a deep depression going to and from a therapy center. I was experiencing complete anhedonia, 24/7 emotionally numb, the bad thing being a total lack of pleasure. Only 40 mg Celexa in the morning, it was my 4th month of SSRI treatment. My whole life I have had crippling social anxiety. I identified previously that social anxiety was as a source of much of my inability to function in society as well as my depression.
The therapy at the center was not helping, in fact I was becoming worse off. Suicidal thoughts were becoming more structured and frequent. I explained to the resident psychiatrist how a counselor and I thought my lethargy and anhedonia was triggering my suicidal thoughts. Along with depression and anxiety, I had been diagnosed ADHD-PI, but the psych was not aware of this. The doctor silently wrote down a prescription, handed it to me and said, 'this will give you energy, trust me it will'. I saw, 'Adderall', written down on the prescription. I had no idea what that was in complete honesty. The doc said it was for energy and I knew nothing about drugs, so I thought it would feel like caffeine. My social anxiety prevented me from questioning my psychiatrist. I figured it would feel simply like an energy drink, but in a controlled dosage so the doctor would feel safe.
--------------taking the med
The next day, I ate a usual healthy breakfast with my 40mg Celexa. An hour later, I quickly remembered to take a 20mg instant release pill of Adderall with water before I got in the car. Depressed and anxious as usual, I was silent for half an hour on the way to the center.
------------the first effects
I began to feel as if I was sinking into my chair. I began talking to my Mom about things I was now excited about for the day of therapy. I didn't notice then, but I was unusually chatty, and my Mom had a surprised smile on her face. 45 minutes in and now I feel I'm sinking further into my seat and I felt as if a relaxing liquid was flowing all throughout my body. A literal physical sensation. I noticed I wasn't worried about going to therapy any more. My mind was clear, in the moment, and not racing as usual. The lack of constant anxious thoughts bouncing around caused me to tell my mom that I think I've stumbled across the best anti-anxiety medication I've ever taken
The lack of constant anxious thoughts bouncing around caused me to tell my mom that I think I've stumbled across the best anti-anxiety medication I've ever taken
, exponentially. She lacked my enthusiasm, said that was great. I felt that she was not understanding just how different I was feeling. I had never, ever in my life been as relaxed as I was.
I was not feeling depressed any longer, but I was also not feeling happy. (At no point in my life has Adderall created any feeling of happiness, believe it or not, even after quitting Celexa.) I was numb as usual, but also now I was content and comforted. Despite feeling numb, I was very excited that finally a medication was actually without a doubt working, I simply wasn't worrying about every little thing. This could not have been placebo, because I had no expectation of the medication being anxiolytic.
------------talking to a girl!
When I first walked into the center, I began to talk to a girl my age who I was finding to be cute at my stay there. I would normally not be able to face her, hold eye contact, and engage in a conversation more than a few sentences long. I was doing all these things without thinking, coming naturally. I wasn't wild and uninhibited in content of speech, I was simply able to talk. (I later had this confirmed days later by another patient my age at the center) I excitedly told her what this medication was doing to me, and to my further excitement she told me she came into the program taking it for ADD. I wanted her to be feeling the same things, I felt unusually empathetic, and desperately wanted to know what she felt. She explained to me a few things about the medication, and finally told me that the feeling of the med to her, 'makes life easier', and the, 'euphoria', she experienced the first two weeks went away. I was surprised she used the word, 'euphoria', as I was not feeling happy. I identified with her description of the med, 'making life easier'.
------------peak of medication
2 hours in the medication hit it's peak. I was excited, people around seemed to be open and friendly! instead of closed off or enemies. I was in group therapy. For the first time, I felt truly part of a large conversation. I could take in the data from multiple sources, keep focus, turn it into something socially valuable, and communicate as an extrovert. The feeling of a relaxing substance throughout my body was at it's most intense, I was able to control this feeling to some degree, particularly by breathing rate. I was also putting myself in other people's shoes. I developed an interest in how one of the counselors got her job and made her, and everyone else laugh about something in her life. I felt my personality had changed, one patient agreed, another felt my personality remained.
When I arrived home the same day, I was still thinking clearly and worrying less. A visitor was at our house, and unusually, I was able to be present around the visitor. I picked up a guitar and began playing it, spent time in conversation, as well as some usual activities. That night I could not sleep no matter how hard I tried. After being up all night, the next day the doctor could not understand that a 20mg dose would cause insomnia so much later. I did not expect insomnia.
I kept taking the medication. Complete tolerance to empathetic effects of the drug in a few days. Speech became more preachy and impersonal. Partial tolerance to anxiolytic and pro-social effects developed over months. Was eventually able to sleep normally on 20mg Adderall a few days after the first dose with no medication added.
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