Citation: Odie. "A New Level of My Mind: An Experience with LSD (exp947)". Erowid.org. Dec 1, 2000. erowid.org/exp/947
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I am 27 years old and really started experimenting with drugs when I was about 23. I am very successful in my career and am exceptionally open-minded and challenge my mind all the time. I have never taken drugs excessively, but enjoy the experience and make the most of it!
I enjoy transcendental meditation and challenge the boundaries of thought regularly without the use of drugs.
I have enjoyed ecstasy at clubs as I have reveled in the energetic dance spurts, the open conversation where fellow humans drop their facades and barriers and we converse as openly as we would truly like to. I have become so much closer to many people, as I have not been afraid to say how I really feel.
I have taken acid several times, especially when I was 'starting out.' We always did it at home with only 2 or 3 people with us. Got videos, music, sweets, etc. I always experienced the usual, i.e: the plants, walls and things moving, extremely sensitive to music and colour. My trips have always been happy and I felt as though I moved through an adventure land, each room offering different magical visuals and experiences. Closing my eyes, I felt as though I went on 'trips' as a Kalahari bushman, fisherman, eskimo, etc, the music taking me further into my mystical journeys. Watching videos is also a lot of fun, getting so engrossed in the films. I found the phenomenon funny, as the title of the film sometimes made an impression prior to taking the drug and it would effect the way in which I viewed the movie, e.g. Eraser (I could never remember what was going on or what had just been said - as if it had been erased from my mind).
I enjoyed eating sweets, as I would revel in the taste. When eating chocolate, I could dissect the flavours and taste the eggs, cocoa, flour, etc. separately. I had never really focused on these feelings, as in the group I was always distracted to play the next game or enter into the next adventure. I did realise, however, that whilst we were all on the same drug, I did experience everything more intensely and my trip would last longer than everyone else's.
We had also taken acid in nature and I truly enjoyed that experience. It was raining and I was on a swing and I felt like a little fairy swinging in a world full of falling crystals. The water with leaves was mesmerising and touching it was like entering into a whole new sensation.
My friends, all guys, would find different things amusing. They would get stuck in a rut - watch the same advert over and over, and find it hilarious. They tended to click and joke about 'superficial' things, whereas my experiences seemed more in touch with the things around me and my experiences and senses.
I actually enjoyed the effects of LSD and would sometimes lie on my bed with the lights off, whilst the others ran around the house laughing, and I would watch the light reflections, and just enjoy the pictures and colours when I closed my eyes. I often said after a trip that I wished I could draw some of the patterns I saw. These were purely patterns and things moved in a two dimensional manner with a motion which seemed to repeat itself, a flowing motion, but the objects remained in their true form.
On my 27th birthday 2 weeks ago, I decided it had been ages since I had last done acid and thought it would be great to have a house party, invite a few friends and pop a trip. This was to be one of the most conflicting experiences of my life, which still 'haunts' me and got me interested in reading more about the drug and reading other experiences. I cannot say that it was a bad trip, however, I truly focused on what I could do with my mind whilst I was on this trip and took myself to places where I felt unmanagaeble, yet in full control. I say conflicting, as the rush of emotions was intense and I was not sure whether I liked it or not. I loved it...and I have never been so terrified in my life!!
My trip commenced at about 22h00 at my house. I had about 12 friends over, who all popped a cap, and the plan was that we would party for a while and go to a club. I was concerned about going out after taking acid and I decided not to, as I preferred staying in an environment that I felt at home in.
As per usual, most of the people at the party were guys, my husband included. My husband and I are both very intelligent and we stimulate each other mentally. We also enjoy things like Reiki and have been for attunements, etc. We click on many subjects and we are great mental partners.
Shortly after taking the drug, I felt a very different feeling than ever before. The effects of the drug were very strong and I found I was struggling to concentrate on anything. I started experiencing a new sensation unlike before.
My hands kept getting stuck to things. The experience was like one of being hypnotised. I had been hypnotised in a show once (a stage hypnotist show) and remember the feeling of him telling me to put my hand on the wall. He told me I was stuck. The sensation of not being able to take my hand off the wall even though I knew it was all in my mind was strange, as I truly could not, even though cognitively I knew I should be able to, and that I had allowed myself into this state. I enjoyed the state of hypnotism and this was similar, even though I always knew in the back of my mind that I was always in control of how deep I would allow myself to get involved.
The feeling as mentioned above was very similar. Somehow, I started losing touch with the rest of the party and started focusing on what I was feeling. I remember it so clearly. The people became more and more distant, and they became almost non-existent. I could hear them and see them and yet I felt as though I was getting more engrossed in where I was going and in my 'own little world' than ever before. I was not feeling happy like before, but intrigued by this new sensation.
I would put my hands on my hips and not be able to pull them off. It would feel as though they were melting together. This melting sensation never went away and whatever I touched I became attached to. I still vaguely recall someone joking when I did not let go of them, that I was like a magnet!
I somehow became further and further removed from reality. When some people told me they were leaving, I could not understand why and I did not comprehend how they could still remember to go out as per the original plan, as I felt so far removed from reality that I could not remember that anything besides me in my little world existed. I also felt myself progressing futher and further into this state and further away from reality.
I began questioning in my mind how I was experiencing this drug, as opposed to the other people. I recall walking into the TV room and everyone was laughing, I felt different. The questions were more and more intense in my head and I started feeling as though the drug and I were playing some sort of game. I started getting a little panicky, as I could not understand how others could remember reality and driving. When I asked them to tell me what was going on in reality, i.e. the cold truth as to whether there were still people at the party, how many were left, what time it was, they could not understand why I was so persistent. I had lost total touch with where I was and was so dissociated from everything that I felt more 'fucked' than everyone and started questioning the effects on me as oppossed to others and whether I was starting to feel the effects more than others.
This is when things really started to happen for which I was totally unprepared. My husband too had taken the same dose as I and yet I lost him totally on this. I thank him for remaining calm.
We decided at 03h30 to go to our bedroom, get under the covers, listen to music and enjoy our tripping. I was experiencing the ultimate in visuals. The frightening part, however, was the fact that my duvet felt like lead and it felt as though it was falling through me. This sensation was strange, as when I thought about it, it would become intense and when I pretended it was feather light, it would feel as though it was lifting off me.
I then started playing with the drug - mistake or not? I had a glass bowl of sour jelly tots. I started sucking on one and imagined it to be the most sour thing I had ever eaten. My reaction was very physical, I salivated and my eyes watered and man, was it so sour. I then sucked on another and focused on the sweet inside and disregarded the sour powder it was covered in - it would taste heavenly and so sweet. I then imagined them chewy and so I went on focusing more and more on the typical mind over matter thing. That was when things get scary.
I focused on the bowl which was 'melted' to my hand, however, the objects maintained their dimensions. I was speaking with my husband the whole time and told him to imagine that these jelly tots were cold and that they were all huddled at the bottom of the bowl. I pictured them cold and they appeared to shrink and get close together and the bowl would be dark.
I then told him to focus on the jelly tots in the glass bowl and imagine them all light, fluffy and floating to the top. My visual sensation then changed entirely in dimension and appearance. I was focusing on this when suddenly reality was lost entirely. It was as though the jelly tots became like a lava lamp, floating up, but becoming liquid in appearance. Whilst I was focusing on the jelly tots I was fine, but then I saw my entire hand melt into the bowl as if it were liquid and I had lost all sensation in my hand. I panicked...then I realised that my entire body had 'disappeared' and I felt like a mind only. This panic brought me back to reality quite quickly, or so I thought!
I sat up, chucked the bowl on the floor and realised I was shaking like a leaf. I then looked around me and, both frightened and amazed, I could not believe what I was seeing. The colours had become so intense, and my previous visual of flowing patterns became more exaggerated. I looked at my husband and without focusing on anything realised that I was in a different dimension than what I had previously experienced. I looked at him and around him was a bubble of lights, the same patterns as before, yet more intricate with more colours, not flowing, but whizzing round in a three dimensional manner. His skin seemed to illuminate patterns. His hair strands were all different colours - it was beautiful!! But then, I removed his skin with my eyes and he began to melt into the bed. It was as though I was looking into my own little movie screen and could not see the reality beyond.
I then tried to get back to the previous state I had been in visually and could not. By this time it was 04h00 and my husband was beginning to come down. The scary part was it felt as though my experience was just beginning. I kept telling myself that it was all in my mind and that I was in control. But then this riddle would start in my head, was I actually in control of the drug or was it in control of me? It became this battle of cognitive processes of which I was not actively trying to think - they were just happening!
I got out of bed. Everything around me was liquid. When I focused on reality, the walls would stop moving and the room looked normal and then it would seem as though this screen would come up again and block out the walls and the walls would melt into the gound and swallow up the pictures.
I jumped up and the scary thing is I could not feel my body. As I walked barefoot on the cold floor, I felt like I was falling through. I asked my husband to hold me, I could not feel that. I ran down the passage jumping with all my might on the ground. Nothing, I was just a head. My mind then shut out all pictures of reality, letting me melt them, turn things into cartoonish type things, remove the skin, see the muscles, then see the skeleton. When I 'saw' my hand melt into thin air and not feel it at the same time, I worried as to whether I had dissociated myself from reality so much that I would not be able to come back. I thought that maybe this new state of consciousness would not allow me to come back. It felt as though the drug was playing a power game in my head. The visuals were absolutely amazing.
Eventually, realising that it was all in my head, I started feeling out of control. I knew it was in my head and yet I could not get out of my head and experience anything real or tangible. I felt as though I was going to die, but the worst part was that my mind was so active that I felt immortal in my head. I could hear my husband speak to me, however, I could only see him in reality when I really focused on him. I realised then that whatever I imagined is what I saw. I was in total control of my mind and visuals and even audio. This frightened me, as I started realising that I was in control of my bodily functions. When I thought about feeling cold, I shivered intensely, when I wanted to be hot, I broke into a sweat. This frightened me, as I felt that while I was in control I could look after myself, however, when I felt that I was losing control to the drug in this game in my head, I worried that it would force my body, blood flow, to lose synchronisation and kill me by stopping my heart. If I could do it, then so could the drug, no? I suddenly felt as if I had gone where I should not have. I felt that my brain controlled everything about me, and that in this state I could hurt me by thinking about it.
At 06h00 I could take it no more, this game of control in my head was too much and reality was too far away, I needed it so badly. I then asked my husband to take me to the hospital - I just wanted to sleep and feel it was all a bad dream.
In the car, it felt as though my foot fell through the floor and I was not even sure whether I was on the seat or not - I could not feel anything. The drive to the hospital was beautiful and breathtaking, but the visuals were liquid and the objects did not even look like themselves at times.
I kept telling myself that I was in control and that it was a drug. I told myself I am intelligent, confident, etc., almost hoping that I was convincing myself that I could beat this drug in my head. Closing my eyes offered no comfort, as this screen displayed the same visuals whether my eyes were open or closed. I walked into the hospital and was fighting the threatening fear!!
The nurses were pretty sympathetic, however, the doctor was patronising. I told him I had taken acid and that I was hallucinating. He asked me if I was hearing voices and seeing monsters. I told him that I was stuck in my head and that I saw whatever I imagined, and that if he started mentioning monsters I am sure I would see them. His physical mass kept changing in front of my eyes and I kept telling myself that there was a man in front of me.
They took blood and put me on a drip and left me lie and work through it. The hallucinations were becoming worse, like comic strips mocking me in my mind. I eventually asked my husband to call someone after an hour as I was frightened - it felt more and more as though I would never return - or worse return, but never be normal again!
I kept telling myself that I was stronger than this drug and that I was a fighter, however, it was getting the better of me. I was so conscious of the blood in my body, etc.
A new doctor came to see me and admitted me into the hospital. They checked my pupils and they were a 4, whatever that means - no dilation I guess. They tested my reflexes and asked me to push against their hands with my limbs, it felt as though I was melting into them.
They injected me with a tranquilizer to subside the thought processes. Those were probably the worst hours of my life. They discharged me at 15h00. I had to lie with my thoughts for those hours, wondering where reality was, hating this stupid game in my mind, pins and needles in my limbs. It kept feeling as though I would never return to normal.
I was frightened to sleep when I got home and feared going into the rooms again. I still look at the objects that had so marvelled and frightened me and expect them to jump out at me at any moment.
I read a note I had written to myself during that evening. I had written, 'A party happened and I did not even know it was happening even though I was there, but I was really busy in the meanwhile!'
Two weeks later I still feel anxious about the experience and have started reading extensively. The psychosis is what scared me. Living with the pictures of me melting away and only residing in my head. It makes me fear death - the physical may disappear and yet the mind remains hidden from reality. At the same time it is a comforting feeling that something carries on.
I have been struggling to deal with it, as no one I have known has had similar experiences, and I know where it was that I overstepped the threshold. My mind is beautiful, that is all I can tell you. I met corners of my head that amazed me, however, a part of me is dark. I am not frightened of that, but feel that I went somewhere I should have left. It was more intense than any meditation, where I have met my guides, or hypnosis.
Whether my experience is useful or not, I longed to speak about it to someone who may understand. I crossed boundaries, which I was not equipped to handle.
Yip, I guess that is why they call it a 'trip.' The game I played in my head. The fight for control and pushing the limits of my thoughts. It was fun - would I do it again? I am in two minds about it and I guess the answer would be no! I feel lucky to have come back, however, I feel witness to supernatural things - I guess the answer is no because I am only in one mind!!
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