Citation: Disorder Bro. "Free Yourself From Yourself: An Experience with Cannabis, LSD, MDMA & Mushrooms (exp94068)". Erowid.org. Apr 20, 2012. erowid.org/exp/94068
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Let me start this report off with a description of the participants, myself and the setting. I am a 16 year old male, good health, great life and even better friends. I live in Missoula, Montana which, as far as I’m concerned is the BEST town in the world. Beautiful scenery, friendly people, and of course, a steady supply of almost every drug imaginable. Even the hobos here are nice. I have been interested in and using psychoactives since the end of my freshman year, about a year and a half ago. As always, I started out with alcohol and pot and even though I swore I wouldn’t, my curiosity got the best of me, and I started trying others. Starting with prescription pills, salvia, and eventually became greatly interested in psychedelics after the time I smoked some DMT. This changed every aspect of my entire life, but scared me shitless at first. The guy who gave it to me described DMT as like “a mix between being drunk and stoned.” What a dipshit. He must have sensed I was an inexperienced pothead looking for some real drugs.
Anyways, with my connections, and low amounts of cash, I was never able to find any real psychedelics, and stuck to mostly DXM and pot. But in May towards the end of sophmore year, I managed to get a hold of some excellent mushrooms. Since then, I have experienced mushrooms about 6 times, LSD (though this report is of my first legit trip, asides from the time I took 3 hits and got possessed b a demon) varying prescription benzos, amphetamines and opiates, MDMA about 10 times (changed my life) and 2ci. Since my interest in psychedelics, I have experienced a spiritual awakening, and am now deeply in touch with myself, god (not any god coming from any organized religion, a concept I came up with on my own during meditation) and the universe. I have become a very passionate, open-minded and happy person since my use of psychedelics.
Anyways, me and 4 of some of my best friends, who I’ll call G, A, C and J, all had similar interests in psychoactive drugs, and almost all my trips have been with 1 or more of them. G and I have known each other and been really close since we met in the beginning of 8th grade. I had always been living in a shell, afraid to express my insanity to the dull population around me, but when I met G, that side of me came out, and I have been a happier, more relaxed and expressive person. G is random, insane, hilarious, cynical, sarcastic and everything in between. He is also a complete badass. The kind of kid that wears steel toed boots, has a passion for metal, and is the biggest heavyweight I have ever met. But he has soft side, and when it comes to friends and family, and especially puppies, he melts. I have known A since first grade, but only during the past 2 years have we really started hanging out a lot. He is a really generous, open, kind, caring person. The kind of guy you can trust your life with. However he tends to look down on himself and always feels as if he is not giving enough or as if he is just a sidekick. C is absolutely hilarious, loudmouthed, and expressive. I fucking love that guy. He reminds me a lot of Walter from the Big Labowski, but much less extreme and isn’t such a dick. I met J in my gym class in sophomore year, and have been great friends since. He was the only kid in the class who also had an interest in drugs, and was a huge part of my developing interest in psychoactives, spirituality and music. One of my best memories of that year is snorting Ritalin with him before the gym final and beating everybody. We are both relatively scrawny guys, so the look on the jocks’ faces when we were the first 2 kids to run the mile-at 5 minutes 10 seconds was absolutely priceless. J is a quiet, dark, artsy, spiritual kind of guy.
So anyways, I had been lucky enough to meet a kid who knew where to get almost any psychedelic you could want, and one day we got a call from him asking if we wanted to buy some acid. We all immediately said yes, and ended up buying 16 hits to split between us. A offered to let us stay the night and hang out at his place during the trip. He has the kind of family that attend burning man, so they would be totally fine with us tripping balls over there. However, we found out he was moving, and we got to stay at the empty house, all alone. The house was relatively small, had about 5 rooms, and was completely unfurnished asides from a refrigerator and stove.
So, that weekend on Saturday was when we all agreed to do it, and the conditions couldn’t have been better. For the first time in about 3 weeks, it had stopped raining, the sun had come out, and it was warm with perfectly clear skies. This was certainly an omen to a good trip. And, it also happened to be 11/11/11, which was pretty cool too. G, A, and C all had play practice, so I met up with them at about 2:30 and we all took 1 hit, not wanting to trip too hard. The guy we bought it from said they had 500mcg per hit. We doubted we could get a hold of 500mcg hits for $10 apiece, but we wanted to be cautious anyways. C was extremely experienced with acid, and A and I had both experienced it this summer together for our first times. However we only took 1 2/3 hits of some weak blotter and hadn’t had many effects; although that was my first legitimate encounter with god. After about an hour, none of us were feeling any effects, so A, J, and G took another hit. C, being the kind of guy he is, said fuck it and took his last 2. I still wanted to wait a bit before taking more, still a bit wary of LSD since my last trip where I was possessed by some angry spirit.
We arrived at A’s other house-the one that still had stuff in it, to drop off some things we didn’t feel like we would need yet, and walked on over to the empty house. Once there, we passed around a few bowls and hung out in his room, waiting for the acid to kick in. C, getting impatient, once again said fuck it, and ate the 2 grams of shrooms he had. I was tempted to eat my 3 grams, but realized I had a whole night of tripping, and didn’t want the fun to end too quickly. However, I realized I had left our ipod and the ihome at the other house, and G and I decided to walk over there to get it. On the way over, we were both talking about how we were starting to feel a bit weird, definitely more than just the pot was taking effect. We arrived back at the empty house, and everybody was just still chilling in the empty room, reporting little to no effect. C, however, was peaking on 3 hits, and 2 grams of shrooms. He was laying on the floor, staring up at the ceiling, eyes the size of dinner plates talking about how geometric fairies were flying around the room or some crazy shit like that. Realizing I wanted to be in his frame of mind as soon as possible, I took my second hit and dispensed A, J and G their third and final hit. We spent another hour or so sitting on the floor in the room, talking and waiting for the effects to hit.
One of the things I gathered from this experience is that LSD has a very gradual come-up. It was about 5:30 before anything really happened. We were all sitting around the room, talking. I am discussing a recent Infected Mushroom concert with G, and he all the sudden looks at me and says “the walls….ARE FUCKING TILTED! OH MY FUCK!” and at that point, all LSD-fueled hell breaks loose. It seems as if G’s comment about the walls seemed to kick in all our acid at once, and within seconds, we were all on the ground, laughing our asses off and enjoying ourselves. At this point I decided it was time for my third and final hit. I walk to the kitchen while they are all in there screaming and laughing, and I remember thinking “whoa…acid’s coming on strong” as I look out the window and see a man on a bike leave behind a barely visible trail. I take my last hit and join the chaos in the room. We sit around for an hour or so, giggling and talking, and decide to walk over to A’s other house to watch movies or something.
When we arrive, the acid is kicking in nicely, as things begin to swirl around, colors are brightened, and I am beginning to fee twisted as all hell. We sit down with A’s sister and boyfriend to watch a movie with them. I have always been a very socially awkward person until my first MDMA experience, but when I am stoned or on psychedelics, that discomfort sometimes returns. Sitting, watching the movie, I felt uptight and unwelcome in A’s house. So I decide that some of the MDMA I brought along would help with that. I dumped about 75mg under my tongue, and immediately started gagging violently to the amusement of A’s sister. This made me relax a bit for whatever strange reason. The movie that was playing was the toxic avenger-a low-budget superhero movie about a kid that gets mutated and fights crime or something. The bad guys were extremely over the top, and as awful as it sounds, the part where they shoot a puppy, rape a blind girl, and shove a gun in a baby’s face made me laugh my ass off. The movie scared me at first from the violence but soon became hilarious. By the end, we were all in hysterics and the MDMA was kicking in, and the acid was going full force. I was feeling excellent.
About a half hour later, we arrived back at the empty house, and G came up with an idea that later turned out to be the worst one of the night-turn off all the lights, lay down, close our eyes and listen to white noise. About 5 minutes in, I was in absolute heaven. Sensory deprivation and psychedelics have always a favorite of mine. DXM in particular. I was in complete heaven, seeing beautiful patterns and having one hell of an ego death. I could feel myself becoming slowly unwound and joining the mass consciousness I call god. Let me elaborate on this. In my opinion, god is what happens when you destroy the boundaries that separate each individual existence in this universe. When you take away what makes us individuals, we become a single, flowing energy that all matter in the universe is composed of. It is very hard to put into words. Oh well, more on that later. I was laying there, in sublime bliss, when I started hearing some of my friends freaking out. G kept saying how “this is some seriously freaky shit” with agreements from the rest. I comforted them by explaining that nothing can hurt them, the only thing to fear is fear itself, and that the only reason they are afraid is because this is mental, emotional and spiritual territory they had never been to before. The only fear they felt was fear of the unknown, and that they must let go of everything, welcome the darkness and see the beauty or something crazy like that. They became quiet and within a few minutes I heard sobbing. I opened my eyes to see if everybody was ok, and G was laying there, crying, with a look of absolute peace and euphoria on his face. He exclaimed “this is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, I have never witnessed such beauty in my life! Im crying it’s so beautiful. IM ACTUALLY CRYING” I would have never expected this from G in my life. As I said before, G is a complete badass, and the last one of us I would have ever expected to see cry.
I felt accomplished that I had taken away their fear, and laid down thinking “damn, must be one hell of a drug if it can make someone like G cry.” However, our mutual enjoyment soon ended when the white noise stopped, we turned on the lights, and C went to the bathroom. We were sitting there, telling eachother what we had just experienced, and we suddenly heard “there’s a FUCKING SPIRIT PIT IN YOUR BATHROOM MAN.” C comes stumbling out of the door with a look of absolute fear on his face. There is a strange little closet in A’s bathroom, and C had looked up and seen a trap door at the top, which led to the attic, but he perceived it to be a “spirit pit” A went in there to take a look, as me, G and J were laughing about how stupid they were being, when A comes out of the bathroom saying “oh shit, something happened in there once, somebody cut themselves in there hardcore, some girl cut herself in my bathroom.” Suddenly, my happiness plummeted as I received crystal-clear mental images of blood spraying all over his walls and a crying girl collapsing to the floor and dying. This scared the living shit out of me, and J and I soon joined the panic, freaking out while C begged to go pee in the backyard so he didn’t have to confront the spirit pit. G started yelling, calling us pussies and reassuring us that nothing was there, and that we were all just on acid. We laughed it off, but still were a bit scared so we decided to take a walk to get rid of our bad energy.
The walk was absolutely amazing. We had some incredible discussions about life, the universe, god, nature etc. We played around in an empty skatepark, sliding into the huge bowls, and running around, feeling completely free-free from ourselves, the world, our own minds, the things we have always taken to be true, we were like infants again, before our minds had been programmed to believe this, and be scared of that. At that moment I truly realized the mental value behind psychedelics. All our lives, we have been spoon-fed certain knowledge, and doctrines and values, and even though we don’t acknowledge it, we will forever be slaves to the things we have been taught throughout our lives. Walls are put up in our brains that refuse to leave, forever shaping the way we perceive the world. But on psychedelics, those walls, those thoughts, feelings, expectations, even we, are completely destroyed. Everything we thought to be true is suddenly obliterated, and we are left to see the world as a baby sees it, fresh, new, with no labels, or dispositions. Taking everything in for how it truly is, and experiencing the world from a zero state. We see things for the way they truly are, without our ego to get in the way and influence our thinking. This feeling, this divine death of ourself, of everything we have ever known, is true freedom. This divine realization is something I have experienced before on mushrooms and nitrous once, but was never able to define or recognize it. The moment this became clear, was the most life-changing moment of my short existence. I can hardly put into words the euphoria, freedom and peace I felt with myself and the world. This is how life was meant to be lived. If I died right there at that moment, I would be completely content. It was beyond anything I had ever previously experienced. I felt happy-truly happy for the first time since a child. I didn’t’ realize it before this, but since my childhood, I have been depressed, hateful of myself, the world and everything in it. Scared and uncertain of what life threw at me…but now, in this beautiful moment, I just let go and accepted whatever life could conjure up and toss at me. I had reached enlightenment. However, upon reflection, I realized that true enlightenment is the ability to exist in this state without drugs. And the next day when I came down, I was unfortunately not able to reach this state. Nor have been able to since…
Not too long after that, I had another mind-blowing moment. We were all sitting on the edge of a quiet, still pond, watching some ducks and meditating, enjoying the moment in silence when G all of the sudden stood up, held 3 glowsticks in his fingers like wolverine, and starting doing a strange movement with his hand, when I felt a strange, calm energy flowing gently through my body. I watched the ducks and slowly, they all gathered into a sort of triangle shape, and slowly moved to about 3 feet from where G was standing with the glowsticks. This absolutely blew my mind, as I sensed a sort of connection between G and the ducks. We sat in silence watching the ducks for about 10 minutes. Those 10 minutes, I felt a divine connection to nature, and realized that man is not so civilized as we would like to be, that as advanced and well-mannered as we like to pretend we are, we are still just as much a part of nature as these ducks. We are animals. We are nature. And the reason society is so fucked up, with all the crime, and hatred, and dysfunction, is that we have ventured too far from nature, and we are so far removed from true living. We have made a terrible error by giving purpose, meaning and reason to life. True living has no reason. Life is sporadic, random, unpredictable, full of battles, and struggles, and pain and pleasure beyond words. We are not born with any more purpose than to live, to experience every little bit of living life has to offer, whether good or bad. Happiness, sadness, pain, pleasure…these are all human inventions. In nature there is no bad, or good, because without one, the other cannot exist. Good without bad or bad without good would be neither good nor bad, because without one to put the other into perspective, neither would exist. I understood the true meaning behind the yin-yang. White represents good, and black represents bad. They swirl together to create a divine duality, and the little dots on each side represent windows into the other side. How, when in either the bad or the good state, we always have that small dot to reflect upon, and remind us what is on the other side. That’s my interpretation of it at least. This then made me understand heaven and hell. Heaven/hell are not places we go when we die, because we don’t die! Sure, our hearts stop beating and our blood runs cold, but death is simply the next step. It is not the end, or eternal darkness. We simply live, experience, reproduce, and die to start all over again. Words cannot explain the orgasmic mind blowage I was experiencing at this moment. For the first time in my entire life, I was without question, I was without pain, or pleasure, or doubt. I simply was. And that’s all there ever is.
After this brief moment of enlightenment, G stopped waving the glowsticks, and the ducks dispersed. However, one stayed put, and I noticed A was focusing intently on it. I once again sensed the connection between A and the duck that I had felt with G. This went on for several minutes, then the duck made a loud quack and swam off to join the rest of its companions. A looked at me with an expression that I can only describe as MIND=BLOWN and said simply “i…just had a moment with a duck”
A later went on to explain something which led to another enlightening realization. He explained how, humans are just as much of animals as bears, or dogs, or cats (something I had experienced 30 seconds ago) and how animals seem to have the ability to communicate, but without words. They use energy and vibes to communicate. Have you ever sat down next to somebody in class, and without talking to them, sensed that they were in a really bad mood? It’s the same basic principle for animals, but to a much more extreme degree. Humans, however have developed and become dependent on verbal communication to get their point across, which is part of the reason for our separation from nature. However, in a state such as the one LSD brings, one becomes reduced to their raw, natural state, and gains the connection we have lost so long ago. We have an ability to communicate with our pets just as our cats and dogs do, we just have to learn to respect and be humbled by nature, instead of assuming we’re better than it, or more civilized. If we take the time to observe, and become a part of nature, we too can use our long-lost energy to become connected to the world we have become separated from. Needless to say, this was another mind-blowing moment, and one with will forever change me as a result of this night. A has always been the kind of guy who loves animals, and nature. Hell, %95 of the time he isn’t even wearing shoes. I have never really understood his connection to nature, and often wondered why he wants to belong to such a primitive, dangerous world until now. I have gained an unbelievable amount of respect for A since this moment.
We later met three college kids who we thought, for whatever reason were going to knife us, but turned out to just be a bunch of nice guys out enjoying a beautiful night. Talking to them was absolutely hilarious. Since we were all on divine psychedelics, and were in the throes of a sublime spiritual and mental journey, and they were just drunk and horny, I felt like a wise old grandpa listening to my 4 year old grandchildren. They were telling us all sorts of things about video games, booze, and especially porn. As unexpected as it was, one of them actually gave me a revelation almost as precious as the one I had just experienced. He told me about how at my age, we are approaching some of the most crucial moments of our lives. College, turning 18, graduating from high school, and that the decisions we make in the next few years will affect the rest of our lives, and that as shitty as it is, we have to work hard in school and go to college so the good times like we were experiencing now, can last the rest of our lives. This guy had some good stuff to say, unlike the other 2 who were telling my buddies about their favorite pornstars and the weapons on skyrim haha. They invited us to pull an all-nighter downtown with them, and they were all hell-bent on getting C laid, but we had to decline. We had bigger and better things to experience for the night.
We continued walking, talking and having a grand ol’ time, and when we arrived back at A’s house, is when things started getting crazy. I took the other 125mg of molly I had left, and split the 3 grams of mushrooms I had with A. I never planned on taking them, but after what I had just experienced, I felt the time was right to jediflip. When the mushrooms began taking hold, I knew I was in for something big. Something humbling, something that would take whatever piece of my fragile ego I had left, and smash it into a million pieces. I welcomed this thought and embraced whatever the night held for me. I found myself becoming very loving and caring towards the rest of my friends, asking every 5 seconds or so if they needed anything, or wanted some cigar or water. I felt as if I was no longer myself, but simply a part of the group. I was no longer able to recognize my friends as individual beings, but as a massive ball of energy, and whatever good or bad energy one person felt, would affect the whole group. About this time, J finished off the other half of his eighth of mushrooms. We were all about to be fucked out of our heads.
C fell asleep not too long after this, as all his lsd and mushrooms had worn off. I was still going strong on my last 2 hits and the mushrooms and molly were just starting to take effect. We were all somewhat tired, so we decided to just lay in the dark and put on some good, relaxing music. We listened to Tool, (which, in my humble opinion, is the most incredible band in existence. Both sober and tripping. No other band has such raw, primal passion embedded in their melodies, and they are the only band to have ever brought me to tears) Pink Floyd and Ween. All of which were perfect for aiding my ever-intensifying jediflip. We laid there, listening to music for about an hour, and A and G had fallen asleep. I decided to take the ipod outside and just have a moment alone outside in the cool night air. The following experience was the most beautiful, haunting, and humbling moment of my entire life. I was sitting out on the front porch, listening to triad by tool. This is the perfect song to listen to in such a situation. It is about 9 minutes of repetitive guitar riffs that sound like a raging river, primal beats, and hauntingly beautiful shrieks/wails. As I was sitting there on the porch, I looked up and noticed a tree in front of me. I concentrated intently on the tree, and what I saw cannot be put into words, but I will try my best. The branches formed a perfectly symmetrical, extremely intricate pattern. Within the middle, was a shape that looked like an 8, but I later perceived it to be the symbol for infinity, because within it laid a pattern that literally never ended. The lines and shapes within it never changed size or thickness, but went on forever, seemingly into other dimensions and alternate planes of reality. Lining the outside, were the leaves of the tree, swaying softly in the wind, but upon further reflection, I realized they were actually some sort of swaying pod or cocoon, and within them I saw a fetus, connected to an umbilical cord that extended through the cocoon and swirled around to form the entirety of the complex pattern I was perceiving. The contrast of the black branches to the dark brown, muddy sky seemed to represent the natural force that was nature. I was once again thrown into that state of mind I had experienced next to the pond, feeling that indescribable connection to the natural world. But to a much higher degree. All I could do at that moment was observe the absolutely divine vision I was receiving, and cry. It was probably the hardest I have ever cried in years, if not, my whole life. Not out of anger, or sadness however, but out of the pure beauty and sublimity beyond explanation I was experiencing. Each sob seemed like a holy embrace throughout my entire being. I was shattered, destroyed. There was probably an hour or so where I simply did not exist, and was so far removed from myself that I had BECOME god. Or at least part of god. I joined what I call “the sphere.” This is something I have experienced many times during intense meditation in the midst of a DXM trip. It’s what happens when you focus hard enough, that you lose all sense of self, and your human body is completely forgotten. The raw, natural, primal, sexual energy I felt coursing through my being was beyond anything that can ever, ever be described, and I almost feel blasphemous trying to put it into words. Even to this day, a month later, I cannot listen to triad. It reminds me all too much of what I am missing, and reminds me of the flawed, dirty, blasphemous society I have no choice but to be part of.
I broke out of my beautiful trance when J called me, wondering where I had run off to. I went inside, and from there, things started to get shitty. Everybody was asleep except for me and J, who was tripping even harder that I was, considering he was on twice as many mushrooms as me. I went to use the bathroom, and had one more beautiful moment before an extremely uncomfortable night. I looked in the mirror, and became trapped. After a few moments of staring at my eyes, the size of dinner plates, and my face that conveyed an expression that suggested I had just been through something beyond words. And I had. I continued staring, and it suddenly was not my own face anymore. I once again had been reduced to my raw, primal, natural, spiritual being. What happened to my face looked like something from an Alex Grey painting. First, it was only skin, the muscles, nerves, etc, then I became some sort of deity. My eyes were glowing a vibrant green/blue, and I looked like something you would see carved into the wall of an ancient Buddhist monastery. I saw myself in my spirit form, with a twisted, loving, knowing smile, curled, glowing eyes, and an indescribable pattern throughout my face that twisted into infinity.
After becoming too horrified and over stimulated from the divine visions before me, I realized I needed to join the others in some sleep. I took a few melatonin, and laid down, and tried to get some sleep. This was a big mistake, as I should have known not to attempt sleeping when under the influence of so many stimulating psychedelics, but I was exhausted and went for it anyways. Not to mention the house was completely unfurnished so I had a sleeping bag, my pants and a jacket on top of a hard wood floor to sleep on. Of course, I was completely unable to drift off, and entered a hellish state of introspection. You know, the typical what am I doing with my life, I need to focus on school, what would my mom think if she knew what I was doing type of shit. This went on for the next 5 or so hours, with the occasional trip to the bathroom, and witnessing some sort of twisted vision in the mirror.
Everybody had to wake up at 9am for more play practice, and by that time, I had not caught a minute of sleep. We packed up our things, and talked a bit about our trips. J had not gotten any sleep either, and I slightly remembered walking past him in a delirious daze, not acknowledging or noticing his existence. When they all asked how my jediflip had gone, I said “good,” not thinking much of it. But then I thought back to what I saw on the porch and in the mirror, and could only say “oh…god.” When remembering what I had experienced, I felt shivers through my whole body, and felt absolutely haunted; in a beautiful way. I had true encounters with paranormal forces, something I had never thought existed. However, I never made any attempt to relay my experiences to the others, feeling absolutely incapable of putting them into words. When I got home, I made up some excuse for why I was so tired, ate the best breakfast of my life (it had been 24 hours since I had eaten) and slept for the whole day. A good solid 10 hours.
This was, hands down, the most beautiful, mind-blowing, haunting, raw, incredible experience of my life. But as much fun as it was, it is definitely not something I need to experience-physically, mentally and spiritually-anytime soon. This was the type of journey that should be taken only a few times in ones life, and DEFINITELY not for the purpose of simply getting high, or having a good time. Psychedelics to this degree are not toys whatsoever, and should only be used by those who are very spiritually aware, or have the intention of becoming so. I felt accomplished though, I felt as if I had experienced the psychedelic, spiritual and mental equivalent of hiking Mount Everest, and had returned with my sanity fully intact. It really made me realize the value and extreme power behind psychedelics. I would like to try something like this again, but not for a long time, and next time, during the day, and in a well-furnished house. And with the company of some benzos or sleeping pills for night time. I apologize for how long this report was; but it was something I felt needed to be shared. Kudos to whoever read through the whole thing. Peace and love, and happy tripping to you all.
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