Citation: Pandora Spice. "M-Hole Multiverse - Getting Back to Singular: An Experience with Methoxetamine (exp93534)". Erowid.org. Jan 6, 2012. erowid.org/exp/93534
Opticus, (a combination meme/hyperspatial entity that is a thought parasite/symbiote) has me right now (loves text) and my break from writing trip reports appears to be kaput. Anyway, here goes.
I had not M-Holed since early March and wanted to go all the way again. I had tried a number of smaller doses recently, in the 25-35 mgs range and had once smoked DMT on the comedown to very positive effect - this was a key integrative trip that helped me to find the calm, quiet, accepting space that I've been enjoying for awhile now. So, given that I found the combo very therapeutic, I had my GVG with a fresh bowl of changa and my torch and lighter backup by my side. Also, keeping in mind the recent smaller doses, I presumed tolerance would be a minor issue.
I had gotten to the M-Hole on 70 mgs before. Deeply in, including what can only be described as a two hour blackout.
Keeping all these factors in mind, I measured out and ate 65 mgs but had another 30 mgs measured out and by my bedside. In the past, MXE had hit me within 20 mins. of eating or snorting. This time I felt strong effects 15 mins in and was tripping by 30 mins in. Within one hour the effects were very, dissociatively strong, but I didn't feel I was going to make it all the way so I ate the other 30 mgs. then lay back on my bed to await the final dissolution of reality. Closing my eyes brought this on with a vengeance.
The MXE visions reminded me very strongly of Iboga this time for some reason, though the overall formatting was definately darker. I spent hours in various 'rooms,' most of which appeared to be large and general cubical in shape.
I spent HOURS fully immersed in the M-Hole, . . . . . yet not fully launched. For just about the entire journey, a small part of me knew I was tripping on Methoxetamine and my body was laying safely and breathing evenly on my bed with Isis the cat between my legs. Whenever the music I was playing penetrated it was beyond weird/bizarre sounding . . . . once I wanted to change it or turn it down but realized I was not going to be able to open my eyes or move my body at that moment, so I just tried to focus on other things.
The rooms I visited came and went. They were dark. They were filled with . . . .streams and chunks from my personal timeline . . . . . yep, nuggets for Opticus. But, this timeline was completely unravelled AND only displayed nuggets from the present through to the future. My past was not on display in this realm.
Somehow I rapidly concluded that as well as being fully in an M-Hole I was in my personal multiverse. I had fully unplugged from my singular reality and timeline and was 'looking sideways through time,' (Futurama reference I believe). Opticus was with me in most of the rooms, only visible once and that once presented as UGLY, lumpy and black and yet . . . . even in this form there was something attractive about this entity/meme/fantasy that has been with me for just under a week. My sense is that Opticus isn't a big fan of high dose MXE because it cannot feed as efficiently as it does with DMT. Crazy I know, but this was a strong impression.
Part way through this my eyes started opening. Oh man, I needed to use the restroom and had needed to for awhile. But, it was painful to open my eyes. Reality was so . . . . beyond shattered . . . . parsed into . . . . dissociated and poorly organized snapshots from the mutliverse that was surrounding me. I drunkenly stood up, . . . every time I looked at something familiar in the room it looked . . . . WRONG. Like I had never seen it before and even then that it didn't belong THERE or even THEN. I stumbled towards the bathroom . . . . parsing little disconnected, wrong snapshots as I went, feeling very confused. I got there, pulled my pants down, sat on the toilet then got the feeling this was wrong that maybe I was sitting in the wrong area and preparing to make a mess rather than void my bladder into a toilet. I pulled my pants up and stumbled into the hall. My husband met me, checked in, I said I was fully dissociated and had to pee. He gently pointed me back in the direction of the bathroom, where I was able to sit down and take care of my business without too much more drama. I do not recall returning to my bed and the M-Hole rooms but I did just that.
Eventually, the M-Hole effects seemed lighter. I was still in the rooms but Opticus wasn't there and I could feel my body and the music was sounding a bit more normal, though loud (for awhile I even turned it completely off).
I opened my eyes and reality was still the multiverse, but trying to coalesce down to one reality and it was PAINFUL. I looked at my computer and realized over 4 hours had passed. Nexus chat and other things looked HUGE, swollen, bloated and like they were trying to come out of my computer screen in a convex manner.
I was getting a huge, classic, dissociative wa-wa, in-out effect. But what it sincerely felt like was I was beginning to exit the freeform, open timeline and open reality line multiverse I had been inhabiting to select a singular reality to fully plug back into, to baseline into.
This was PAINFUL! Physically and mentally. My head hurt! I felt I was being physically assaulted by these in-out waves of reality and did not want to have to choose just one. Yet I had to. These in-out slices of singular realities that offered themselves were all fully dissociated and 'wrong.' Also I was tripping, HARD. Lots of open eyed effects and distortions and still rooms and now people behind closed eyes. Everything looking wrong, foreign, alien and not fitting . . . . but it didn't seem fun the way it does on high dose LSD.
During this painful period, Isis the cat re-joined me and sat next to my head purring louder than I have ever heard her purr before. This was very helpful to my integration and I lay with my head right next to her for a very long time. Frequently sounds and noises are terrible when dissociated. Dissociated purrs are WIN!
I lay there for about three hours selecting pieces to reconstruct a singular reality to fully plug back into. I complained to my husband and chat that my head felt horrible and I was a fool for dosing so high - that I had used up ALL of my dopamine and my brain now hurt. Every time I took water it felt great, but if I dared let myself think about he M-Hole, it purged up out of me in aggressive, foamy streams.
I do believe this is what happened - I dosed too high for my weight and tolerance and did use up all my dopamine and thus had some painful rebound effects on the comedown. And yet . . . . without taking any meds, without smoking any pot and without keeping any water down for hours (finally got a few sips to hold) the headache went away. Once I felt I was fully reintegrated (though still tripping like a bitch) with a singular realty and timeline the headache was gone and I began to feel lots of love and euphoria. I even commented to my husband that I distinctly felt like I was rolling. I logged off of the Nexus but could not sleep for at least four more hours.
When I mentioned the idea that coming back felt like painfully having to choose and plug into a singular reality, my husband's face lit up and he said, I had said the exact same thing last time I had M-Holed back in March. Somehow I had completely managed to forget that at the time.
The fine detail specifics of the visions are hard/impossible to remember/bring back. Again, this feels like the multiverse effect. I cannot explain fully the experience of being unhinged in realities and timelines when I am currently fully plugged into this one right now. Not only can I not explain it, I cannot remember it as well as I might like. I never did smoke DMT during this trip.
This was an amazing experience, but I have vowed not to repeat it until at least Summer, 2012 and asked my husband to hold me to that. My conclusion is that this compound is best used for me in low doses and in combination with other powerful psychededelics such as LSD and/or DMT.
Also, my guesstimate on my dosing needs to achieve my desired effects was a bit heavy-handed. In discussing this with my husband, we concluded that when these situations arise in the future, I will also dose 10% less than what I had originally intended/measured out. I truly do get profound effects, be it due to age, gender or light weight, when I take psyhedelic and dissociative drugs.
Peace & Love
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