Citation: Jesus Raves. "Atheist Rediscovered God and Got Published: An Experience with Methylone & Antipsychotics (exp93434)". Erowid.org. Oct 31, 2019. erowid.org/exp/93434
I don’t tend to go on and on with cosmic mumbo jumbo, and don’t worry I don’t intend to start today. I swore I’d never again believe in God or any of that crap. No matter what happened. I wasn’t going to fall for it!!!!!!!!!!!! I knew it was all in my head, after all. Oddly, even now, though I have rediscovered my spirituality in an extremely vivid way, it still sort of gives me that impression—that it’s unreal. I mean, how could something so indescribably wonderful be REAL in this “shitty” world? I think God’s just done that so I won’t freak out. For let me tell you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is NOT really a shitty world. It is freaky wonderful.
To truly describe how methylone changed my life over the year that I took it
methylone changed my life over the year that I took it
(I stopped taking it about 2mos ago) I would have to tell you a little bit about myself. First off, I was a no-bullshit atheist kind of person in reality I have been having spiritual experiences all my life. At age 13 I had one at a church and “got saved” from it and learned that these experiences were a product of Jesus. I didn’t have many experiences they were few and far between back then but vivid enough that I became a bible beater in high school and went nowhere but church and wore a Christian shirt every day with my biker boots and grunge jeans and basically embarrassed myself w/o knowing I guess. Ah, the 90s! My only friend in high school after going fanatic, was, of course, Jesus, until the last year of it when I befriended the biggest atheist in school (for the purpose of converting her of course) but we both loved to do art together, and soon it was a REAL friendship that lasted many, many years to come and made for many great existential conversations.
When I went off to college everything changed. The first night there I started to pull out my beat-up highlighted-to-death bible and it was like God told me to put it away. “I have to show you something” He said. I was like “okay!” and I just lost my religion right there and started experimenting with drugs for the first time. I was 18.
In the back of my mind I have since realized that my unconscious intent for getting into drugs was that I thought I would have another of those experiences. I used any drug I could find and at first I had a lot of fun and made many friends but had no experience beyond the usual drug stuff. Then the following summer 98 on acid while listening to aphex twin I had an experience that I wont’ bother describing here cos I can’t. That was after I got kicked out of my prestigious college for smoking pot. Anyway, I was like living with some witch dude and having wild, crazy, unchristian sex, going to raves all the time and doing any drug I could get my hands on, and there was a PLETHORA of drugs in Montgomery at the time. I started having these experiences more and more often and it all seemed like it was going somewhere and was just about to get there if I only kept up what I was doing. The experiences started getting very difficult and happening so often, so often that one would barely be over before another started. And they were happening without drugs now. And I was taking drugs and not coming down. It was sickeningly scary and this was not happening to anyone else I knew who took loads of multiple drugs like me. But I kept going, because like I said it was going somewhere. Soon enough I was in a psychotic state all the time. I stayed in a state of severe psychosis (at a few points becoming catatonia) for the next nine years.
What I didn’t know when starting my little spiritual quest was that I have Bipolar Disorder with severe psychotic episodes. Things were bearable the first 6 years or so and I even married my drug partner and we continued to trip but then things got really bad. It was like a living nightmare. Words cannot describe. For the last 2 years of it I quit drugs entirely to try and “come down” but that did not work of course because I had a medical problem. It got so bad that I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy if I had one. Let’s just say it left me living on the street as a crazy bag lady for the last year of it. Yes! Needless to say, I did not attend my high school reunion.
Okay so then I was taken to the asylum and they put me on antipsychotics and two weeks later it was like bing! Someone flipped a switch in my head and all the spiritual insanity disappeared without a trace. I mean, it was GONE. Everything was normal. I was like, what the fuck? It must have all been in my head. So I became an atheist. I started smoking pot again and drinking a little but it just got my high like a normal person it wasn’t the fucking age of aquarius. I enjoyed this a lot and just being a boring, normal person was fine with me, and all this time I had never really talked to anyone about all this stuff that had happened to me so I basically forgot it and life was trite and I liked it because I could get a job and take care of myself, feed myself, take a shower, make eye contact, etc. I had PTSD from what happened but it was NOTHING compared to the psychosis. The PTSD was FROM the psychosis! I guess I didn’t have the PTSD that bad, but the Bipolar! Damn! I mean this disease was truly crippling. I am still on social security crazy checks but I think I am ready to get off now and get a job counseling people with this illness since I have managed it with 100% success since being medicated 5 years ago. Yes, me quitting drugs and working for the Man. God. I am 100% clean as we speak.
Now about the methylone! I know you were waiting for that!
Last Spring (2010) my friend M led me into rediscovering research chemicals. I used to take them a lot back in the day. Like I said I was only smoking weed and drinking Aristocrat + Kool Aid and I guess I was bored so I read up and decided on Methylone because I had PTSD and being in school for a psych degree I had heard of the psychological studies on MDMA and PTSD of course and I knew Methylone was a sister chemical with similar effects so I decided to make myself a case study. I started doing Methylone in July of 2010 and at first I didn’t care for it. But after a few trips I started caring for it A LOT. Soon I was taking doses of like 1 gram, wait and hour, then a second gram. That would last all day. Then the next day I would do a gram. (And it gets pushy when you take that much…which I happen to like) I loved the zero-tolerance it seemed to have but there may be some tolerance that built because I started out at doses of like 125mg. So don’t go dropping a gram or anything I don’t know if it’s safe. I had been doing the stuff 1-3 days every weekend, and I did it for a year and a month I think. There were only probably about 5 weekends that I did not trip. Yes, my social life took a blow but amazingly sometime in february 2011 my divorced prude ass fell in love, I mean LOVE with an old flame. I realized something then: I fell in love with him when I was unable to love him the last time we went out because…for the first time in my life…I had started to love myself!!!!!!!!!!!!! Argh amazing. It’s true about what they say it’s easier to love others when you love yourself. And methylone was one of the things that helped me do this. Though I think 90% of this is the work of God.
Well anyway things got serious fast with me and S and we never wanted to be apart so he moved in to my apt. and then so of course I had to drag him into my little Methylone world. I wasn’t sure how I felt about sharing something so intimate with someone who doesn’t do drugs and had little drug experience. It worried him, too. But I went ahead and did my thing while he was around. And surprisingly, I really opened up to him. And I started talking about all that shit that had happened, it was the first time I really told anyone what my life had been like!
We were both atheists, but he was also a Buddhist. Of course I had many questions about how an atheist could be spiritual and why, if he didn’t believe in the supernatural, did he believe in things like enlightenment and bodhisattvas? He taught me all about his religion and I started thinking about it a lot and found my mind starting to get back in that spiritual groove. It kind of scared me, but the antipsychotics were making it all very manageable in that I still had an ego. So I just went along with it.
Up until I started talking to S, my thoughts were like nameless emotions. Methylone was very much about pleasure for me, and when the pleasure started becoming mental it still had no form but was like a womb of wonderment and amazement and it was like what I could only compare to spiritual orgasm.
So I was ripe for all this stuff to fall back in my lap. I started talking to S about what had happened, and what was happening, and he would talk to me about the Eastern perspectives and I of course had the West and anything else I could throw in there and what do you know?
I fell for it!
I believe now.
For the experiences I started having were unequalled, and unprecedented in that there was NOTHING negative in them. Nothing to fear. So I went as far as I could possibly go into what was happening, all the time being employed and finishing college in the process. I went as far as I could go. I went as far as I could go till I ….
Well you know I won’t go into what happened any further for it is useless to try to describe and anyway I don’t care about earning stars. S probably is the only one who even has a clue. But close to the end of my time with methylone I took the biggest trip ever on my 33rd birthday and I wrote a book. It was a spiritual book, though I was still claiming atheism at the time. It was the best thing I ever wrote, though it was only 27 pages (single spaced). I let S read it and he had no comment. He is nonchalant about all my cosmic bullshit, which I prefer, but this time I wanted some input!!!!!! I thought the book was really good! Yet I had no way to know if it was, because it could possibly be mania, of which a symptom is grandiosity. So I sent the book to the first publisher that popped up when I typed “mental illness publishers.” (Because it talked about the experience of the illness).
Now I have to mention that my degree in psych is a double major with English Writing. As a writing student we all had to send off our crap (and much of it WAS crap) to publishers and we were both told and got to experience the fact that 99 percent of the time you get REJECTED!!!!!!!
So was I ever surprised a few days later when they wanted to publish my book. It was more than I could have ever asked for. And I just signed the contract today.
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