Citation: Touch the Limits. "Terrifying and Amazing: An Experience with DMT (exp93105)". Erowid.org. Jan 31, 2012. erowid.org/exp/93105
||(powder / crystals)
A friend of mine, who we’ll call Adam, and I went into a clean, but abandoned house sometime around 11pm to smoke a powdered version of DMT. This would be my first time. I had a terribly ineffective way of smoking it (a bowl), but tried it anyway. The room was pitch black in this house way back in the woods. The room was dimly illuminated only by an LED hula hoop that we kept on the floor. Both of us sat in camping chairs we brought along with us. Since I’m used to the woods, the darkness, and the thrilling quiet, I felt perfectly safe where I was. There was no reason to be anxious about the setting at all. I was however, quite anxious about the substance at hand but determined to do it nonetheless. I felt like I’ve mentally been in a good place for a while so there was no real undue stress. A five minute meditation process right before smoking it to help calm the nerves and off we went.
I started off getting a great hit out of a metal bowl with my friend; 100mg’s each, different bowls, both at the same time. I am certain that much of the actual DMT was destroyed do to the ineffective way we smoked it, but, for me, it worked very well. Before I was fully done with my first hit things started to get really fuzzy, really fast, almost shaking. I kept down the hit and kept adding to it, small hit by small hit, until I had to exhale to add more. I exhaled finally, burned the rest of the bowl best I could as fast as I could because I felt I was quickly losing control of my body. I held in the hit and placed the bowl and lighter, now hot, on the floor of the dark room, lightly illuminated by an LED hula hoop and laid back in my chair with my eyes shut.
I don’t remember any exterior sounds only a very knowing detachment from myself happening coming on stronger and stronger. The auditory, even though the room was silent, became unbelievably intense. I was sitting in a chair with a leather jacket on and my slight movements produced shocking sounds of movement of the leather illuminating though my audible senses. I couldn’t believe that much sound was possible to be reverberating in my skull. I was scary but not uncomfortable. I kept reminding myself, it’s ok, everything’s going to be fine, but nothing could have prepared me for this.
The detachment from myself kept getting stronger yet I kept my eyes closed because it seemed the right thing to do. The feeling resembled something very much like being on a roller coaster but instead of dropping at the peak of the ride it was like being shot off somewhere with incredible force. I felt like I was battling with myself, with my own sanity. I got the feeling that I was losing the battle with keeping myself grounded in reality and I was desperately clawing at keeping a handle in reality trying not to lose myself to the void. I was convinced somehow that were I to let go to what was going on in my brain I would be unable to return to reality. That somehow this kind of power going on in my head would shatter my sanity if I couldn’t keep it together in some way. So the battle that was waging was fierce and terrifying. I opened my eyes a few times to take deep breaths, realign myself, and remind myself that I was still here and try and help myself win that very battle I was in. It did not help much… I may have made it worse.
The room was very fuzzy and the glowing light from the hula hoop in the dark room made it harder for me to understand anything. The battle in my mind grew fiercer. I felt like I was a stranger in my own body, like my body was acting as a prison from something. I was feeling strange emotions towards my body, like a prisoner would towards a prison. It was creepy and scary. I closed my eyes again and everything within me, my own personal demons, the stuff you ego protects you from, was turning up and facing me as I fought them to keep myself ground in reality. It was fighting my own demons of control as well about why I would need to stay grounded and not just let go.
I felt like I was flying though some vast space at which point I encountered two (possible three, but definitely two) intelligent beings. I did not really physically perceive their existence, as it was more of a dream state, but it was like my brain knew they were there but they did not take real shape. They personified as round heads in the blackness, faceless and the same color as everything else, but there nonetheless. I feel it’s important for me to point out that I got no feeling whatsoever that these intelligences were separate from me or I was separate from anything around me. It was almost like we were all part of each other and everything was part of everything else.
I was still quite afraid at this point battling with my brain to keep myself grounded in the room and in reality. I know then they held an answer to a great question, one which was profoundly important to everything within me. I asked the question without talking and they gave the answer without saying. I felt like they handed it to me… Literally reaching out and handing a ball of essence to me – neither by them reaching towards me or by me reaching out and receiving but the transfer between the two of us was able to perceivably complete itself nonetheless. (Their communication with me was strange too – they talked to my brain, but not in words, and I talked to them, but not in words either… but complete knownings and understandings… - later research would show me that this form of communication is best understood as telepathy - this place was a place of everything being combined with everything in the most amazing of ways) My brain (here in reality) realized how profound this moment was immediately and grasped at it. I wanted badly to remember the great question and now the answer as they were SO important, but it was instantly blocked and I was unable to retain any of it, the question or the answer. I felt as if the answer was for me to know on some level, but not for me to remember on this conscious level.
It was as the moment that I received the answer that peace came over me and the battle for me maintaining my grounding here in reality ended and I gave into what I was feeling. I soared in the void. I don’t remember feeling or seeing anything at this point but completeness. My perception of anything and everything was gone. I could have been in this state for two seconds or ten hours, feelings didn’t matter. I was not aware of my body, I was not aware of anything. But I was aware of everything. It was utter and complete completeness with the oneness of all and everything. It was what I would explain to be the feeling of the loss of one’s ego and becoming part of the very essence of the universe. When the sense of self is dead you become one with everything. All memories, inhibitions, the good, the bad, cares, loves, hates….. everything…. gone. This is the feeling of being one with everything…. I would go as far to say this is what it would feel like when you die. Yet even now as I type this I feel like I stayed aware of the presence of those beings that were part of all of this, who gave me the great answer to the great question, though all of it.
I mind, however unconscious it still was, realized quickly when the first step of the come down began because it was like a sudden ‘click’ away from the amazing place I was in. Like, you’re going to go back now. I mentally reached and stretched to somehow stay where I was as the next ‘click’ came. Still I reached with everything practically mentally begging not to have to leave. There may have been one or two more ‘clicks’ as I was stepping away from where I was yet I was still not really aware of my body, just that I was now leaving that place. And then the rush back to reality. I inhaled deeply as I became very aware of where I was in that abandoned house, and I looked over at Adam and he at me as it seemed we both came back the same time. Later I found out he didn’t break though, which, to me, was a shame. The aura afterwards was pleasant, but this whole experience was unbelievable! Easily the most intense and amazing experience of my life.
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