Citation: Dandelion. "Out of My Eyes Like a Window: An Experience with Tilidine (exp92946)". Erowid.org. Dec 13, 2016. erowid.org/exp/92946
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Nice First Experience With Opioids
First a few infos concerning myself and drugs:
About me: I'm female, 5'8'', 130 lbs. I don't use drugs (including alcohol/cigarettes) too often and I'm not someone who gets addicted easily (never happened to me in my life).
Usually I drink every now and then and smoke weed like once or twice a month. I've tried some other drugs occasionally, found out I'm more for downers (I hate stuff like MDMA, cocaine and such). If I take something I like to take larger doses and get really fucked up and get... I'd call it the 'full feeling' of it.
Never tried opiates before (so it's ZERO tolerance and experience!) but I always wanted to. Thus, I was quite happy when a friend brought me some Tilidine [Tilidin 20016 Retard Valoron].
Don't get me wrong - I've read a lot about opiates before I decided I wanted to try, and I'm well aware of the dangers. I also read every bit I found about Tilidine and this is what I'd recommend to everyone who thinks about trying such stuff.
I wrote my experience down as a kind of 'life report', sitting in my living room on my sofa with my laptop. Some parts sound pretty stupid as I was quite drugged for a few hours.
I'm alone at home in my apartment with my cats. As these are pain meds and I do intend to take only half from what the package insert defines as one dose I'm sure it won't be dangerous, so I won't need a sitter. Turned off the phone, nothing and no one is going to disturb me. Also made sure I won't have to go anywhere tomorrow, for the case I won't feel good or something. TV is on, remote control, laptop and headphones (for music) lying on the sofa.
Did not eat much that day, no breakfast, only lunch and one banana for dinner (been working whole day and was too lazy to go buy food afterwards).
I'm a person with a terribly nervous stomach, easily throw up from alcohol and terribly nauseated whenever I eat something a bit too greasy.
Knowing nausea and vomiting occurs very often from opioids (esp. for first-time users), I prepared myself for the worst. Made sure I won't have to move (as this is said to make things worse) and put a bucket near the sofa in case I'll have to vomit and won't make it to the toilet.
Used the handle of a knife to grind half a pill (100 mg) into a powder. In the internet 50-75mg is usually recommended for first-time experience, but one whole tablet has 200mg already and I wanted the effects to be strong. Put it into a small glass and added a little water. Stirred with the knife handle, but it didn't really dissolve.
I expected the worst from what I've heard about the taste, but, really, I've tried far worse things (like grinded shellfish shells or potting soil—no joking, was once stuck in Russia, sick and half-dead, and the granny I stayed with actually considered this to be medicine). So, however, the Tilidine was bitter, but it's really not THAT bad. Just gulped it down, then drank a bit of water, that's it.
20:14 (T +00:14)
My hands and feet are slightly tingling – is this just placebo effect?
20:16 (T +00:16)
Got up to fetch a mirror to look at my eyes, want to see if my pupils will get smaller. A slightly comfortable feeling starts to grow (or still placebo-effect?).
20:25 (T +00:25)
Feel a bit slow, tingling everywhere, especially legs, hands and abdomen, concentrating seems to get a bit difficult. Thought about a test I'm going to write soon in a subject in which I just totally suck (I'm a college student) and unlike usually it didn't make me the least nervous.
20:28 (T +00:28)
Think I'm feeling a bit dizzy.
20:30 (T +00:30)
Oh dear. I'm starting to like this. Feeling relaxed. Watching an old French movie (nice winter landscape setting).
20:44 (T +00:44)
I feel comfortable. Nevertheless I wish the effects would be stronger. I already started with more than recommended, but effect is still not as strong as I expected.
20:45 (T +00:45)
Stupid neighbor's dog is barking, annoying like hell. Really. Obviously Tilidine does not prevent me from getting angry. Feel 'floaty', somehow. And just now I'm realizing I feel warm, like sitting in front of a wood-fired oven on a cold winter evening with a soft blanket pulled over my legs...
20:48 (T +00:48)
Hell, I could kill those people for the dub of this movie. This is not Gerard Depardieu's usual dubbing voice. Ruins the film for me. Still feel annoyed. Except for that: Strange, I could sit there and just stare somewhere for hours. Doing this for a few minutes it feels like thinking must be really difficult and slow, but as soon as I manage to get myself start doing something (like writing this right now) it works surprisingly well.
20:52 (T +00:52)
Oh wow. My pupils are small. Why the fuck didn't I take the whole 200mg? This feels nice but it should be stronger, dammit.
20:56 (T +00:56)
Whoa, I need to pee, although I just did one hour ago, and I didn't even drink a liter during the day. Is that from the Tilidine? Don't want to get up, hope it will stop. Does Tilidine actually make you have to pee?
21:00 (T +01:00)
I'm really surprised so far: Not the slightest bit of nausea. Thinking about maybe taking the second half pill, then it would be 200mg in total. Guess I'll wait another 15-30 minutes, then I'll do it if I still feel good but not affected any stronger.
21:03 (T +01:03)
My muscles feel strange. Do you know when you do something like riding a bike up a steep hill, arrive really exhausted, and you get off the bike and sit down until your breath goes normally... and then you stand up, walk a bit, and your legs feel so strangely, hm... weak? Soft? That's what every muscle of my body seems to feel like right now, whenever I move something. Even my fingers. It's not unpleasant, rather funny.
21:10 (T +01:10)
Okay, finally got up and peed. This was no fun like that. Standing up I realized I'm clearly dizzy, but not too bad, and feel somewhat numb.
21:12 (T +01:12)
Just took the other 100mg. Overall pleasant feeling. The only thing I find is a pity is that my thoughts are still so clear. I like it when I get really confused and funny and slow and just... you know.
21:14 (T +01:14)
My cheeks feel nicely warm. My hands and feet are cold, but I don't really feel the cold. Oh, and I had to think like a minute before I remembered how I wanted to finish the last sentence. Some effects on the mind, after all?
21:16 (T +01:16)
The overall feeling seems to get stronger. Could this be an effect of the second dose already?
21:18 (T +01:18)
Why are my eyes red? I noticed this around 90 minutes ago already, but I think this started only after I took the Tilidine.
21:20 (T +01:20)
Did I loose my sense of time? Already 1h 20min since I started. How did time pass so fast?
21:27 (T +01:27)
Movie is boring. Put headphones on, music is better. Sounds a bit nicer than usual, as if my ears were more sensitive.
21:30 (T +01:30)
Pupils are even smaller. Looks funny. Not complete 'pinpoints', but compared to how outstandingly huge they usually are (due to myopia) and considering that the light is really, really dim, the pupils are just so small... normally they would be like this on a bright sunny day outside.
21:33 (T +01:33)
Feel like I'm really happy about something, as if just something great happened, but in fact there's no reason for it. Body feels just nice as well. I guess I'm starting to talk (write) bullshit, but, well. I wanted to see what happens and write it down to not forget, so I do. (Just lost the thread of what I was writing and had to re-read which took me quite a few attempts). Concentration is a bit difficult. I think I sound stupid now, but I don't care. Others who see me will laugh about me.
Uhm... just had to remind myself there's no one, I'm alone. Made me laugh.
21:37 (T +01:37)
Wow. My arms are floating and moving closer towards my torso, but they are in fact just laying on my lap/laptop. Does the word laptop have to do something with the word lap? Found myself talking to my pets in English, stopped. Can't remember my mother tongue. Why this?
21:41 (T +01:41)
The stuff really kicks in now. Just forgot what I wanted to write. Everything tingly. Still not the least bit of nausea. No, just feeling perfectly okay. Great!
21:47 (T +01:47)
Diiiiiizzy. Haha. But the nice sort, like sitting on a rollercoaster and it suddenly goes down and your stomach is tingling... not that disgusting alcohol-like everything-is-spinning-around kind of dizzy that always makes me throw up.
21:49 (T +01:49)
Difficult to focus. Vision gets blurry. Thoughts even more, too. When I concentrate, I can focus, but need to concentrate. Oh, I already wrote that. Now I wrote it twice. But if you ask me the effects could still be stronger, I mean I still CAN write. I'd enjoy getting completely wasted, like last time I had so much weed I started to hallucinate hornets flying around in my sleeping room.
21:52 (T +01:52)
I want sex. Badly. [Remark from next day: I don't remember that. Happily I wasn't out in a club or I'd probably have slept around with who-knows-whom. Bah.]
22:03 (T +02:03)
Want to feel more of it. Took another 100 mg. This is probably idiotic, but in my actual state of mind I don't give a fuck. But that's it for today. Won't take more, although it feels tempting now already. But NO. I'm not a complete moron and I don't want to risk any naloxone to take effect. Felt a bit shaky when I got up, and I'm hungry.
22:23 (T +02:23)
Feel a bit like I'm about to pass out. But in a really comfortable way. Writing got hard.
22:42 (T +02:42)
Became even more difficult to focus my eyes on something. When I close my eyes it's difficult to open them, like they rolled back and don't want to come forward again.
22:43 (T +02:43)
Wow. Had a feeling like a wave going through my body. I'm suddenly so much slowed down. Writing too difficult. Feel like I'm vibrating (is that shivering?). Pressing the keys is hard, as if fingers had become really weak. Shouted at cat for jumping on the table, wondered if I'm really slurring or if my hearing is strange?
22:46 (T +02:46)
Just realized I've been sitting in a totally uncomfortable position for nearly an hour. Normally my legs would really hurt, but no. Pinched myself to see if there's a difference, and there is. What would usually be painful just feels like heat. Strange thing.
22:48 (T +02:48)
Okay, gonna stop hurting myself now or I'll get bruises and regret it tomorrow.
22:52 (T +02:52)
Every movement feels kinda nice. Touching things feels nice. I really like that pillow case.
23:28 (T +03:28)
I think I was just sitting and staring for long. Got up and walked around. Felt strange and funny, like walking on a mattress. Nice dizziness. Laying down and then sitting up quickly feels weird, did that for some time.
00:05 (T +04:05)
Everything is unreal. Like I'm sitting in the back of my head and look out of my eyes like a window. [Remark from next day: I guess that means 'like out of a window']
01:18 (T +05:18)
Laid down on sofa for some time. Was half-asleep but not really asleep. Strange dreams/thoughts, but not unpleasant. Rather confusing. Feeling warm and comfortable all the time. Not sure when I'm awake or sleeping or something in between?
02:06 (T +06:06)
Got up, was very surprised I'm still that fucked up. Dizzy, and whole body feels very numb. As if limbs had fallen asleep. I'm a bit shaky now (but doesn't feel bad). Feel sedated, can barely keep my eyes open (no, not because of the time, usually I stay awake until 5am every day). Moving is really hard, muscles feel weak.
02:15 (T +06:15)
Fell asleep while sitting twice, laptop fell down. Gonna move over to my bed. [Added next day: I remember when I went to bed I noticed my breathing is a bit shallow. Every time I started to fall asleep I did breathe too slow and the hypoxia then woke me a bit, but not fully, so I was like dreaming with eyes open. Wasn't really awake nor asleep, something in between, but when the breathing was back to normal I fell asleep.]
04:53 (T +08:53)
Woke up because the cats made noise. Still dizzy, but effects weaker now. Recognized some slight difficulty remembering some parts of the last evening, happy I noted everything immediately. Difficult to stay awake, so I'm going back to sleep.
[Added next day: When I laid down I had a strange half-awake-dream-thing. Thought I'm at work and it was exactly like yesterday when I was really at work. I did things differently than yesterday (had another lunch, for example) and wondered how it is possible to do things that way as I somehow was aware the day had already happened in another way. Took some minutes until I realized I was sitting in my bed rather than at my desk and it was next day already.]
09:18 (T +13:08)
Woke, up, saw sunlight – next day already. Looked around and found it amazing that I had in fact taken my laptop with me into my bed, where it was still laying, the document where I wrote down everything still open.
I felt pretty normal. Stood up, and suddenly it was like being smacked in the face—I just fainted. Woke up again on my lambswool carpet (no idea how long I was out). Noticed I'm far from normal. Got up carefully, fed cats, and finally felt nauseated, but not too bad. Figured I should eat something, although I wasn't hungry. Had half a yoghurt (poppy yoghurt, lol) and waited. My stomach felt better afterwards, but I decided I'm first gonna sleep a little longer and then eat the rest, I'm just too tired. So I'm back to bed now, still with my laptop.
12:41 (T +16:41)
Woke again. I feel much more normal now but still a bit light-headed. How can this last so long?! I'm also still not hungry, but ate the rest of the yoghurt. There's no nausea any more, just a slightly uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, but I guess that's rather from eating so little yesterday and eating nearly nothing today. I'm happy I don't have to go anywhere this day, I wouldn't have made it to work or class or something.
14:08 (T +18:08)
It's kind of amazing how long I slept without waking, and that if I wanted to I could have slept even longer. If I laid down right now I'd be asleep within a minute or so. Usually I'm quite an insomniac, sleep 6 hours maximum and wake up 3-4 times every night.
I'm still not completely back to normal, especially when I turn around quickly or move fast my head is swimming. And I'm still tired, but don't want to sleep any longer as I figure I won't be able to sleep the following night otherwise.
So, conclusion: I really liked the experience and I'll definitely do it again. It might have been a bit much, but it wasn't unpleasant and I didn't even get sick, so it's exactly the effects I hoped for. Probably I'll take it all at once next time (but before that I'm going to ask some people with more experience if I was just lucky in case of the nausea or if that means I'm not the type to get nauseated from opiates). Oh, and something interesting: There was also not the slightest bit of itching.
Nevertheless, I don't feel the desire to do it again too soon. I'm good for nothing today, tired, groggy, can't concentrate, head spins. That sort of thing always starts to piss me off the day after. I feel like I'm wasting time I could use for something else, just because I'm busy with after effects. I need some days/weeks of sobriety, so I'll wait a month, maybe. Some people try this and say 'now I understand why people get addicted' – well, I don't.
Sure it was fun and it's been a nice and warm feeling, but it's not that there aren't things in my life that are equally pleasant. It's more that the feeling reminded me certain situations when I felt similar and now I really feel like doing the things the feeling made me think of.
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