Citation: EMc. "A Journey Inside My Own Subconscious: An Experience with Ketamine (exp91820)". Erowid.org. Nov 27, 2011. erowid.org/exp/91820
||(powder / crystals)
I had been experimenting with Ketamine at a recreational level for the last 6 months or so, mostly at parties and in nightclubs, enjoying the unpredictable 'bouncy' effects.
There was roughly 500mg left from previous night out, and I was feeling slightly anxious and paranoid about keeping drugs in my parents house. I was very relaxed (but slightly bored) in my room at around midnight, so thought it'd be a good idea to get rid of any incriminating evidence and cure my boredom both at the same time.
I got into bed, turned off the lights, put my headphones on and started listening to music, then insufflated the entire 500mg+ dose at once. [Erowid Note:
The dose described in this report is very high, beyond Erowid's 'heavy' range, and could pose serious health risks or result in unwanted, extreme effects. Sometimes extremely high doses reported are errors rather than actual doses used.]
I had taken doeses as high as this before, but had just resulted in a sort of blacked out 'sleep' state.
I sat up in bed on my laptop, going through the familiar and enjoyable 'rolling' symptoms - numb lips/blurred vision/heavy head/fidgety hands etc. When I began to hear a steadily rising roaring noise - like the sound of jet plane taking off right outside my window. I turned behind me to look what the cause of this noise was, and to my surprise there was golden light streaming through my blinds.
This was the first time I'd had a completely convincing hallucination on any sort of drug, and was impressed with the level of detail my mind had conjoured up - I could even see tiny particles of dust floating in this sunlight that was shining into my bedroom, even though it was midnight and pitch black outside. I was aware of this fact, and was still very aware of my surroundings too. I was being my usual cynical self about the whole situation - trying to enjoy myself but stay in control at the same time.
I re-adjusted myself in bed, and suddenly felt that jolt of fear that I can only associate with tipping too far back on a chair.
I felt as if I was perched on an imaginary cliff edge - and by leaning to my left side I could 'tip' (quite nervously) over this edge and really feel a true sense of gravity that was pulling me down. I giggled to myself as I tipped backwards and forwards. My head was very very heavy now. Things were starting to get more and more hazy. Once I understood I was in control of this tipping motion, I remember having the rational thought of where this was going to lead, but the voice in the back of my head was fading, and at that moment I honestly didn't care.
I flung myself off the cliff. Not physically but in my mind - and plunged into a bottomless pit of darkness in total freefall.
I fell for what seemed like forever until I began to orientate myself, working out which way was up and which way was down in this apparent infinity. And again understanding that I was in control of the trip, and I could fly around in this darkness, enjoying the thrill of weightlessness and eventually flying all the way up to the stars, looking down on Earth.
The series of events is a little jumbled in my head, but at this point the 'vision' inside my mind and my actual sight began to melt together, as my laptop that was sitting on my lap began to float down through the darkness, until it was focused and in view. I heard snatchings of the music that was playing in my headphones that had been all but silent until now echoing out into the distance (with Pariah // Orpheus in particular ringing very true)
I was regaining my sense of co-ordination, as if the effects were wearing off, which dissapointed my slightly as I wanted more, but I carried on nevertheless. And once I realised I actually possessed a pair of hands again, I instinctively reached for the trackpad of my laptop and navigated the mouse to the top right hand corner where I clicked the red 'X' to close the window and turn the screen black (somehow I knew by doing this I accepted that I was moving on to the next 'layer' of the trip.)
I then felt as if I was lifted off my bed, not by my own control this time, and was suddenly projected straight through my laptop screen at tremendous speed, back into the dark space again, where I was now joined by three girls. Two to my left and one to my right, in white dresses with dark hair, all on horseback (for some unknown reason.)
And I remember that the girl immediately to my left was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen - she was so perfect, I cannot even describe her.
She looked like an angel or something - her dark brown eyes stared deep into me, almost lovingly, but somehow I knew she didn't love me. But it didn't matter because I knew what we needed to do. We were all riding together, but again I wasn't in control. It felt like we were strapped onto rollercoaster tracks, chugging along in slow motion to some sort of destination, with incredible colourful visuals shooting past at high speed. And with movement, sound and light all fusing together as one, my mind unable to seperate the energy that was steadily building up.
It started to become more clear. We were on a mission to prevent the end of the world before 'time' ran out - I say time in inverted commas because I had no concept of it even existing.
I was just there in the moment. But I had some type of countdown, like a bomb timer.
And then i saw it... The Sun. Right infront of me, so beautiful. It was perfectly crisp and clear, like High Definition TV.
I've never seen anything so clear in my life. It was so real (even more 'real' than anything I'd seen before with my own two eyes).
And I could feel the heat radiating off it, comforting me. We galloped towards it on these horses, that gave off a trail of gold light exactly the same that originally came through my blinds,until eventually we were within reaching distance. So I extended my hand out and 'pierced' the surface - and at that same time the countdown timer hit zero.
And every other bit of sound, light and feeling all reached this exact moment of singularity... an absolute peak of nothingness.
That was the turning point... it was like an atomic bomb going off inside my head.
Everything was obliterated outwards in a huge explosion of white light - sight, sound, movement, everything. Was this death? I wasn't sure.
I felt like I had just smashed through a giant invisible pane of glass and I could feel the intense force of my counciousness shattering. It stripped me of every emotion I'd ever felt in my life - especially gulit. I felt completely free, and not even human, I was just a single object blissfully floating through space, all the time believing that this was truly real.
There was no more rational thought anymore, no more perspective or objective view on anything. I felt as if all these barriers had been broken down and for the first time I could 'see' in the truest sense of the word. Looking back now, if the explosive moment before it had been 'death' then now I was 'passing over' to the other side.
I could hear a thousand voices talking to me at the same time, creating an intense yet soothing buzz, almost like a meditating hum, and at the same time see millions of complicated equations whizzing around me. My brain easily seperating and processing this huge stream of information (for what felt like years!).
Although I couldn't decipher any of it to actually read or hear it - I completely understood and agreed with it, however I couldn't recall any of it to you now.
I'm not quite sure how I know this, but I am certain that this was a totally inward experience inside my own subconscious. I was exploring myself as a person, and the drug was the key to my mind that unlocked this whole other level of communication.
I wish I could tell you now all the amazing things I heard.. but there are no words to translate it to you.
Some time after that, the three girls from the previous 'layer' of the trip pulled me down gently from this outer stratosphere, and I floated down like a feather slowly into their comforting arms, where I was now flat on my back looking up at the stars, and we began to fly again. But this time I wasn't in control, I was being carried by them. We were getting faster and faster - faster than i'd ever travelled before, but I felt totally safe. I knew I was going home.
I didn't want it to end, but at the same time I felt ready, and enlightened.
I saw Earth, and we flew down towards it, getting closer. Flying over hundreds of rooftops until they delivered me, back through my bedroom window where I snapped back very suddenly into my body, regaining full conciousness and senses within a split second - I was totally back to normal.
I stayed still for a moment. Contemplating my profound experience in sheer awe, and had to touch my hands and face to check this was reality. I had not moved a single muscle from the seated position I had started in, and to my surprise only 40 minutes had passed!
It had honestly felt like a lifetime. I had a small drink of orange juice to wash away the unpleasant yet familiar taste in my mouth, and felt a lovely warm afterglow from my experience. I remember sitting in bed, beaming from ear to ear that I had the oppurtunity of experiencing something so special, before drifting off nicely to sleep, feeling very happy and fulfilled.
For weeks and months afterwards with an experience such as this I felt the need to share it with people, but nobody really understood. Even my 'drug' friends were sceptical of my sudden spiritual ramblings.
People were trying to laugh this off and tell me that it was just a funny little trip where I danced about in rainbows with unicorns in that sort of stereotypical 'acid' image, but I feel like this was much much more than that. It's given me a different outlook on life, as if all my thoughts had been collected and neatly organised. There were less niggling questions in the back of my mind, less worries, now feeling like I had a much clearer path in life.
I soon began to read up on similar sort of experiences with Ketamine and other substances such as DMT and was shocked to find that nearly every description was the same: flying through space/meeting spiritual other-worldly beings/ego death/moments of singularity...
How could it be possible that the human brain (being as complex and uniqiue in itself) produce such similar experiences in individual people when administered with a drug?
Such small details re-appearing throughout these accounts make me sometimes beleive that this is more than just a coincidence - and that actually we are unlocking some deep hidden part of our subconcious that isn't accessable to the sober mind.
And all this time, it genuinely astounds me that the brain has the power to do all of this... to make us see/hear/feel such wonderful things, and yet for 99% of the time we cannot access it? we need so-called 'illegal substances' to reach the full potentials of our minds.
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