Citation: H.Love. "Absolute Peace: An Experience with Ketamine (exp91431)". Erowid.org. Jul 20, 2011. erowid.org/exp/91431
This was only the second time Iíd ever done ketamine. The first time was over ten years ago, in powder form (intranasal), and it was great fun. I was awake and alert, enjoying the novel sounds, feelings and experience. It felt like I was in a cartoon, just fun and games.
The second time was profound. Iíd been wanting to get hold of some ďrealĒ ketamine for a while: the pure, liquid USP form. Well, my wish was finally granted. Iím well educated about pharmaceuticals, being a pharmacist, so I knew a lot about the drug: its pharmaceutical properties, pharmacodynamics, dosage, route of administration, adverse reactions, etc.; I also knew that it was not a ďparty drug.Ē No; K is something that you have to take seriously, especially in its pure form, being an anesthetic. So I planned out a quiet time when I would be at home with no distractions and no obligations.
I prepared my space ahead of time: I poured myself a glass of water and set up my laptop by the couch. My husband was playing a PC game and would be right beside me the whole time. I drew up 50 mg (0.5 cc) in a sterile syringe, then pondered where to inject. I had originally thought of injecting into my thigh (IM), but when I considered how short the needle was (the kind typically used for injecting insulin, SC), I changed my mind. Now, I donít have a lot of body fat at all (in fact, Subcutaneous injections sometimes hurt because I have so little body fat), but just to be safe I chose a spot on my shoulder where I was sure the needle would reach all the way to the muscle. I swabbed the area with alcohol, let it dry, and slowly injected. There was only a very mild stinging upon injection, which dissipated quickly. I cleaned up my work area, disposed of the needle, grabbed my water and went downstairs and took my position on the couch.
The drug took effect within two minutes. I had originally planned on just goofing off on my laptop, watching videos or playing games, or watching my husband play his game, but it quickly became apparent that that was out of the question. I lay back on the couch, grateful that it was a large sectional with plenty of room for both of us to spread out, and listed to the sounds of my husbandís game. The sounds and colors of the game soon dissolved into a kaleidoscope of light and sound that played against the backdrop of my eyelids, and I was gone. I started thinking that it was good that I had carefully calculated my dose and done my research, because doing this without knowing what I knew would have been a recipe for panic. I was completely incapacitated. I was anesthetized. But my consciousness was very much intact. I knew that ketamine did not depress the respiratory center of the brain, so that whatever happened, I would keep breathing. And this was good, because a similarly incapacitating dose of another surgical anesthetic would surely have killed me.
As I lay on my back, swept away by the profundity of the experience of being so close to death, all my cares, worries, and insecurities melted away, and there was nothing, nothing in the whole universe, but simply being, being in this state of pure existence; the utter, elegant simplicity of existing purely as a soul filled me completely and I felt absolute peace. I dwelled upon that euphoric sensation for a long time, simply being grateful for my existence and for being able to transcend everything, to get to this point where there was nothing but absolute peace. The colors and gentle sounds of the kaleidoscope played upon my closed eyelids.
Gradually sensations began to return, gently and pleasantly. I became aware of words coming from the game that my husband was engaged in beside me, and the combinations were amusing. After a little while I attempted to speak, and was happy to find that my speech was not at all slurred, and my husband understood me perfectly. I told him about the amusing conjunction of words that I had heard, and he said that he had never thought of it that way before and that it was indeed quite amusing. I was happy to have made this connection, and happy to find that in this state of blissful, semi-suspended animation, I could connect and that my intellect was entirely intact.
After a little while, the sounds of the game, which had been enough to please my senses before, left me wanting something more melodic, more fluid, to engage my present state of sensory appreciation. I wanted to hear some music. I had my laptop with a sufficient collection of music, but I had neglected to bring headphones over to my area of repose, and I didnít want to disturb the pleasant balance of individual entertainment that we were sharing by blaring my music against his game. Waiting for my husband to get to a point where he could get up and get them for me also seemed undesirable, because I didnít want to forestall my sensory enjoyment and interrupt this beautiful experience I was having. So I decided to get them myself.
Getting headphones became an objective that I undertook to accomplish to please my swirling fancy of imagination and being. I knew that I had earbuds in my purse, and that was only one room away. If I could just get my purse, I would have accomplished my goal. I swung my legs over the side of the couch and sat up. The sensation of movement was novel and strange. I wasnít sure if I could walk, so I reached my hands out and steadied myself along the way against the walls and furniture, helping my progress along until I reached my destination: my purse. I sat down on the floor, reached into it, and produced the earbuds along with my iPod. Moving around was beginning to give me an unpleasant sensation of nausea, so I endeavored to get myself back into the position where I was before and restore my state of bodily numbness.
I settled myself back into a reclining position on the couch, and the brief nausea went away. I opened up a playlist on my laptop, plugged in the headphones, set my laptop beside the couch, and lay back. The earbuds didnít reach that far though, so I opened up the same playlist on my iPod and plugged into that. Much better. I settled back and let the music serenade me. As I listened, it seemed that every song contained an answer that unfolded itself for me. I watched as a pattern of circles came together and formed a number: 36. (At the time, this seemed to be relevant to a situation I had dealt with in a fitting room earlier that day, trying on different sizes of bras to find the one which fit best; ultimately, none of those which I tried on had fit very well and left me feeling unsure of my true size.) Other answers settled quietly into my subconscious; certainly they are still there.
I lay there, listening to music and feeling blissful and contented; I must have eventually drifted off into sleep. I had injected myself at 11 pm, and when I awoke to my husband speaking to me, having turned off his game, it was 1:30 am. By that time I was able to move around without impairment and we went upstairs to bed. I brushed my teeth, glad that I had taken care of everything else before my little trip, and we both climbed into bed. I awoke the next day feeling refreshed and mentally cleansed, pure of mind and heart. I will remember this experience for a long time not only as one of the most profound drug experiences of my life (definitely one of the top 3), but as purely a profound experience of self in existence. As a pharmacist, I also have a different kind of respect for anesthesia and the potency of anesthetics, and a convincing realization that honestly, in pure actuality, life is good.
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