Citation: Ithica. "The Din of Celestial Birds: An Experience with Ayahuasca (exp90922)". Erowid.org. Jun 21, 2011. erowid.org/exp/90922
I started my enchanting and beautiful affair with ayahuasca in Goa; which was to mark a very magical end to my sojourn in India. Visionary splendour, ceremonies and nocturnal visits to the realm of spirits.
5 days prior to the ceremonies, I visited a French shaman – A. A.’s house was adorned with crystals and infused with the aroma of sage. She was a middle aged lady clad in mostly white, who had spent 18 months learning from the plants in the Peruvian jungle. We talked in her garden about my purpose for wanting to try ayahuasca and what I'd hoped to get out of it. She questioned me almost suspiciously about my intent; this was not something to take lightly she reminded me! The DMT-containing plant I was to soon have a 3-night affair with glistened with dew in the garden, and majestic birds of striking colour I'd not noticed in India before began to swoop down into the garden and display themselves to us. “That is a sign, you know”, she said.
Back to her question. What had I hoped from ayahuasca...? It was difficult to be absolutely frank with her; for in truth there are endless areas of my life I desperately need help and guidance with. All fears of the future and rejections at life; death, dejection, mental turmoil, the endless self destruction. Also my desperation since childhood for some indication, inkling... anything...!!... that yes, there is something more to existence than what appears.... I had been sick for a long time, and the honest truth is that I resorted to the plant out of desperation for help and strength.
In the end, I omitted the details and summed up to her that I'd been suffering from clinical depression for over 15 years; and needed strength and inspiration. What was to proceed the following days could not have come close to what I could have hoped for.
I adhered strictly to the plant diet for 9 days (4 prior, 3 throughout, 2 after); no salt, sugar, spice, meat, dairy, alcohol, narcotics or medication of any kind. No fucking, no masturbation. Ayahuasca, after all, has a jealous streak! I am to be hers and hers only. No social interactions, no tainting of the mind with reading, internet etc.. I spent my days drawing and attempting to rest my mind, letting J. cook for me, practising relaxation techniques and picking miserably at the bland food J. cooked for me each day. By day 3 I was hyper sensitive to all around me, and feared venturing too far from the garden. I was physically weakened, but my awareness of my environment had reached startling heights. After 4 days of dieting, I partook in 3 consecutive ceremonies. Each day of the ceremony involved an early lunch, then fasting and minimal water intake until the next day. Each one and its visions are documented in chronological order.
Tripping with the Birds
We performed the ceremony on the balcony overlooking the garden. I sat on a white mattress immersed by the sound of crickets. We waited for complete darkness before commencing. She cleaned the space around us with burning sage, and blowing the smoke of jungle tobacco imbued in aguardiente. She blew smoke on me, on my hands, and instructed me to spread it on my face. To feed the spirits...I could smell rosewater. I was, um pretty scared.
I was particularly anxious because I had been chasing the dragon on a bender some 8 days prior. I wasn't at the time aware of the 2 week drug abstinence rule; or rather, I subconsciously decided to make an exception here. I was less concerned with the possible physiological reactions and health affects it might have resulted in, than the possibility that the plant might deprive me of any help and visuals at all for not preparing myself wholeheartedly for the experience!! A., on the other hand adhered to draconian rules of safety and respect for the vine. Had I confessed I even took one diazepam 5 days earlier, she would have forbid me the entire experience.
But visions came that night; and my god, it was fucking beautiful. I swallowed the bitter medicine, and we waited for an hour or two. She sang an icaro; beckoning the spirits and we waited some more. Faint luminous visual of squiggles danced rapidly around my eyelids for quite some time, but amounted to not much. My hopes were beginning to dampen; I must see more than this!! I drank three small cups that night, which we concluded the next day was a little too much for me. But I was desperate to see... , and she wasn't sure on the strength of this batch of medicine.
My memories of the night are pretty muddled and hazy; the visions became clearer but never attained the clarity they did on the following nights to come. On the balcony I was visited by an anaconda, pretty little birds galore, and a looming jaguar which was both seductive and a little frightening as it endlessly moved and pawed itself towards and above me. I later discovered that these animals she specifically called for me during the icaro.
I purged numerous times, sometimes quite violently... All part of the cleansing process. I became physically paralysed, and my mind turned to mush; my thought incomprehensive. In summary; I was tripping my brains out and my body went into some kind of meltdown whilst I enjoyed the visual spectacle. I eventually managed to crawl to the bedroom, happy to be relieved from the annoyances of garden mosquitoes. I couldn't sit up at the shaman's command. Finding my way to the bathroom has never been so difficult. I was spewing out liquids from every orifice and the room was swirling with the most beautiful, iridescent, celestial birds. I began to hyperventilate, and to cackle; it was indeed too much and nothing was making sense. A. told me to relax and control it but I was filtering her voice and everything real in the room from my mind. The creatures danced and flitted around me for hours of what seems like pure silliness. I was hysterically grinning, in ecstasy and nausea.... nurse with wound on repeat, in slow motion, vibrations coming from within and outside..... “trrrriipppppp-pppppppiiiggg, wwwwwiiiiiithhhhh theee bbiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrdddddssss” and “wwwhhhatttttttthhheeeeeee ffffffffffffffuuccckKKKKK!!” spinning through my head. Nothing meant much. It was like being in a cartoon. But visually, my god, it was beautiful. I fell eventually into some sort of distorted sleep, physically exhausted.
All thoughts are prey to some beast
I spent the day in a stupor; my body seemed to be both languid and suffering, in some sort of resentment for the purging and what I'd sent through its channels the night before. As stunning as the visions were, I contemplated that if tonight was simply a repeat of the spectacle I probably will not hold out till the third ceremony. Physically, I wasn't coping all that well with the sleepless nights and the fasting.
I arrived, however, with much less anxiety this time. There was an extra participant; a guy from Berlin who was also having his first ayahuasca experience. He was polite, inoffensive and quiet, but I had no interest in making conversation. We waited for a couple of hours in the garden for the distant chanting of some Indian festival to cease. The waiting got me slightly anxious. Upon cessation, a storm broke out...odd....first rainfall in my entire stay in India. The sky flashed and roared relentlessly and we were forced indoors to start the ceremony.
A. and I were sat on the bed, with the German opposite us on a mattress. It was a rather strange, slightly unsettling set up, but there was no choice. We drank, and as we waited in silence the storm persisted outside; violent flashes of lightning giving the guy menacing shadows. Upon start of the first icaros, the German started stirring, retching, huffing and heaving. I, on the other hand, seem to be pretty much normal.
A little while later and I've yet to experience any effect of the medicine. The German hits his first wave and goes somewhat nuts. He gets up, overexcited, hissing and spitting, hissing in demonic tones, claiming he is a warrior, that ayahuasca is confirming it...blablabla. He's a pain in the fucking arse and I wish he'd sit down and shut up. The shaman tries to sedate him with some more sage and icaro, but that just provokes him more. He strides around, becoming increasingly irate and aggressive. He mocks her, resists her songs and her smoke, and the atmosphere gets even more menacing and intense. From thereon the fear began.
1. Maybe he is actually skizo...and the vulnerability of our situation becomes apparent to me; uncontrollable, angry man, coming up on the biggest trip of his life, with two scantily clad women in a random house in remote Goa.
2. I will be coming up at some point myself and the last thing I want is to have this disgusting, uncontrollable man in my face.
Fortunately, he eventually fucked off and stumbled into the night, much to his own stupidity towards his well being. I am extremely relieved! But he left the air tainted with something unpleasant and eerie. Physically, I'm feeling straight as fuck, and slightest hint of nausea had vanished with the drama, as had any emerging visuals. I wondered if his act totally prohibited the medicine from taking any effect at all. I was feeling drained, and disappointed, but still rather unsettled by the event.
A. spent the next good half an hour frantically sailing through and purifying the rooms with smoke and song. Huff puff huff with her gigantic pipe. She was like a white bat in distress - fluttering about blindly in the pitch darkness, desperate to cleanse her house of the filth that had just contaminated it. I understood what she was trying to do but I also wished that she'd stop. Everything started to feel a little too much for some reason. I laid transfixed on the bed.
After a while she rejoined me and asked if I was alright. I said yes, but that I am scared he will come back. I felt weird... though nothing much was happening visually. There's still an unpleasant vibe in the air. It very much felt as though he's still there. She sang to me another icaro, but we mostly sit in silence and I sort of just want to go to sleep. I was fucking exhausted.
When she left me for the night, the visions came in floods, as if they had been waiting to prey on me on my lonesome.... and OH MY... were they fucking relentless. Taunting, grotesque and graphic. Genuinely frightening in a nightmarish sense; except I was very aware that this was no dream. I was visited by countless dragons, in various forms and guises. Some were menacing… disgusting and sometimes they were comical caricatures of distorted, twisted creatures. They let out high pitched screeches whilst abruptly twisting and disfiguring into more revolting, more distorted figurations. They were attempting to purposefully scare me. I knew that was their intent, and I tried my hardest to not give into the fear. All the while clutching onto the bed. Sometimes the air was filled with prehistoric reptilian birds soaring and threatening.
Sometimes birds were mechanical. Sometimes beautiful. At one point they were picking at and devouring me. Some sort of punishment, perhaps....? I could see myself; my back, up from above. Sparrows and birds of prey were feasting on me, shredding my tendons, and I remember thinking at the time what a wondrous piece of art this image could make.
At one point there were colossal apocalyptic horses, with heads exploding into bloodied bits around the room. The fan above me in the room appeared alive and maleficent. The walls breathing. The little green night light to the left of my bed was some slithering, hissing serpent, constantly letting me know of its presence.
The visions grew slightly kinder at one point when I was brought to some ancient landscape of mountains and dreamy colours. White, silky dragons glided through the lands and protected the creatures within. They showed me their home, and told me I'd be welcomed again after death one day. They said this was one option of the afterlife.
And thence the sinister scaly caricatures returned, snapping their jaws, flaunting their deformities, and screeching in what seemed a world devoid of meaning. They came, and they came back again until it became some sort of comical spectacle and I could see they were more or less harmless.
Still, the ghastly imagery stayed with me till I fell asleep. At first I was terrified, then I supposed I became accustomed to them. But it was never at any point near pleasant, as it had been the previous night. The spirits were there with the clear purpose to torment me, and were not interested in any sort of communication or reason.
The next morning A. and I talked. It was the guy's bad energy which had been released, and which had infiltrated the air and our visions. The medicine reveals the true character of people, and their essence can be seen by others in their presence. Previous to the ceremonies he had talked to her of disturbing dreams which he wanted to stop; many involving three headed dragons. I guess this would explain where they came from. For all its grotesqueness, it'd been the first time in years since I'd been truly scared as if living the most vivid of nightmares. And I never have nightmares anymore.
This was by far the most intense, pleasureable and insightful night; of my entire fucking life. It was composed of three main visions.
Vision 1 - Alone, alive
Relatively quickly I started having vivid, specific visions. The first was the silhouette of a female figure, dancing or making rhythmic, seductive gestures with her hair and hands. There were little circular blue spotlights behind her. This was the first time a human presence became apparent and I remember feeling slightly uneasy about it – wishing her away.
I then entered some warped space in which I seemed to be floating around randomly. There were angular, futuristic structures which I'd passed, and always the sense of some human or human-ish presence either visible or just round the corner. Some were male, some female. Some toy or clown like. Some were simply outlines, or invisible behind objects. A baby, or giant doll’s lower body floated past my head in a VERY eerie manner. As its head passed by it cracked a grin at me.
Once a large structure, holding what seemed like numerous miniature, near invisible entities (elves? clowns? tiny toy people?) moved nearer and nearer to my face. I could hear them, and their undecipherable chatterings. They had tools with them which I could hear grinding and buzzing away, a bit like being at the dentist… I knew that they were very interested in my being there. They were looking, discussing, probing me with their machinery, inspecting... scrutinising. The shrill sound of them and their examinations of my face was very disconcerting and I longed for their cryptic nonsense to fade, and eventually they did.
Back to humans, or mannequins. Most of the time the human-esque figures were shadowed, or had their faces hidden. Often they were ominous. They rotated and turned away from me, and deliberately kept themselves or their identity out of sight. On a couple of occasions I saw in detail their facial features, and they were ghastly, grey and forbidding. Their cheeks torn, with disintegrating, mechanical flesh. Their faces hollow and stern. I was beginning to feel not frightened, but extremely unwelcomed.
From this, one predominant, silent figure emerged and stayed for quite some time. We were in some dimly lit secluded space, and there was no one else. The figure was masculine, and like a mannequin positioned in various figure drawing poses. He was silent and devoid of expression. His face was also blurred. Through some unknown mechanism he communicated some simple facts to me:
I was in the underworld, and I was not welcomed there. He knew this is what/where I'd longed to see since forever; and here it was. He was showing me that, yes... it was real; That this is where the spirits roam, and where I do not belong and am not wanted. It was a dark, oppressive realm of nameless, faceless shadows.
Tears began to stream down my face as he repeated again and again I was not to be here. He told me to return to life where I do belong. He told me to stop seeking solace and escapism in their world. It wasn't my time. I couldn't hold back my tears and disappointment at his words of discouragement. As for the other side; I was saddened by the darkness of it all. I pleaded to him I needed help. That I was weak, that I was finding life exhausting. I begged and begged for help and strength like I had never done before.
And then something shifted. The figure remained silent, but a lighter, more comforting light began to bathe the space around us. He seemed to remain still for some time, in a contemplative pose, and a sense of tranquility set upon us. The talking stopped, as did my crying. He hovered in front of me, and after a while raised an arm and put his glowing hand upon my heart. I began to feel an incredible warmth rush through my chest area; stemming from him and infiltrating my insides. We remained like this for sometime, and I felt a surge of peace come over me. After some time the figure and the space enclosing us began to fade away and I was once again in darkness. The first wave was over.
Vision 2 - So long, lonesome
I had calmed down. A. asked again if I was alright, and I said yes. She beckoned me again and I sat in front of her. I felt far more physically and mentally composed than I'd been on the previous two nights. I could feel the medicine sitting comfortably within me, and the nausea was fading away. She sang a second icaro; this one sounding very different to any of the previous ones. She sucked and blew smoke on my hands and my forehead, and lovingly spread it around my body. Then I waited a short while.
The atmosphere rapidly transformed. Luminous, aqueous hues of blues and turquoises lit the space all around me. A sense of tranquility and serenity presided over everything. Gradually silhouettes of translucent underwater creatures emerged and gracefully floated, swirled and danced around me....maybe even dancing for me. Some fish, or jellyfish, some amoeba-esque, sometimes they were plants, swaying iridescent tendrils. Soon I was immersed in a space rich with life, and it was absolutely astonishingly beautiful. I cannot use words to come close to describe what I saw, or how I felt, but I had tears of joy this time. A. asked if I was happy; I cried I was in heaven!! She laughed to herself and said that made her happy, and soon after she cleared the ceremonial paraphernalia and left me alone in the room for the night.
I was looking up – towards the light. There were plants and marine life above me, enclosing me in this luscious wonderland. I saw the form of what I can most accurately describe as part male human figure and part creature. He had a beautifully formed torso and muscular, streamlined limbs. His head was most of the time shadowed and lacked distinct facial features. There were sometimes insectian, extra legs sometime, propelling him through the space. Sometimes he displayed outstretched giant dragonfly wings. He was beautiful and glided above me, behind and winding through the plant life. There was something distinctly seductive in his movements and I realised that he was not simply some spectacle I was to enjoy visually, but that he was taking an interest in me and my presence. He'd swim closer to me, looking down over me, purposefully flexing and displaying his slender and muscular wings, and showing off his form, strength and beauty. He also had a tail of a scorpion, which was definitely phallic-like, and he'd sometimes contract this forcefully into view. There was a emanating sense of pride and power, but he was never once menacing.
He swam to the lower part of my body and frolicked around the bottom of the bed. He got closer towards my sex and I was taken by enormous surprise to feel myself getting very quickly aroused. He began to touch and caress me, and suddenly I could feel him inside me. This sent waves of the most intense orgasms I have ever experienced, coursing through my entire body. I never once touched or fondled myself. What was most interesting about this was that I could literally feel him on my skin, and inside me, and that the climaxes were very real, and that didn't stop. I was contracting strongly and continuously for 10, 20 minutes, and on and off for maybe an hour. Never before had I the pleasure of experiencing multiple orgasms. And here it was; the best fuck and night of my life.
I was pretty much in shock and in utter ecstasy throughout. Mentally in disbelief that this was happening (was it possible?!?!). Physically my body was responding hyper-sensitively to his every touch and movement.
The vibrations and contractions were incredibly intense. Whatever energy or part of him that was inside me, and kept coming inside me felt VERY real, taking entire control of my body. There was a genuine sensation of something entering me and leaving itself there. I felt, quite literally, like a puppet. Sometimes I wondered if my body was going into shock... but I didn't have a care; I'd never before felt such ongoing pleasure.
At one whilst we were fucking, I saw some kind of structure/edifice/temple perhaps in the distance behind him, which was somehow connected to him. It had this golden, blinding, light pouring out of it – and which I could feel entering me through him.
He would exhaust me (and himself!), then swim a little away, or glide around me, rolling on the bed next to me playfully, making gestures of tiredness, flexing his sting and tail, or float up and kiss my face tenderly. Sometimes he'd managed to keep a part of himself still inside me; perhaps with tentacles or extended creature bits, and I'd climax on command. He never once left my sight nor neglected my sex.
He would communicate a little to me. Never in words, but in gestures. He seemed to be telling me, by showing me in my physical responses to his actions, that he was, indeed, very real... that all the spirits I had seen ARE real, and not simply a hallucination. He told me that I was his and his only, and that the physical love I was receiving was some sort of reward for adhering to the sexual abstinence of the diet and maintaining respect for the vine.
I attempted asking him a few playful questions;
'What is your name?....
Will I ever see you again?'
To the first he was rather secretive, and showed off his scorpion tail again, seemingly implying I could remember and refer to him by his sting. He told me that we might meet again, but most probably not. That this was likely a one off encounter; a gift; a night to enjoy and remember. That he was a lover of the spirit world, and attentively mine for that night. That I should enjoy but not grasp.
We made love several times, in the course of maybe an hour. He never left my sight. At the end he embraced me lovingly and lay down next to me. I felt incredibly loved, and could feel him against my skin, and his presence tenderly enveloping me all around. Then underwater creatures started to re-emerge around us, displaying all their splendour. I was in ecstatic post-coital bliss.
Vision 3 - Wildlife analysis
This followed on immediately from the preceding vision. If I'd thought nothing could top the previous experience; I was about to be proven very wrong. My spirit lover stayed with me for a short while, bathing me with a love I'd never known. He then discreetly faded from sight. His essence lingered though, and was transformed into something else. Something nothing short of phenomenal. From being embraced in his arms, I found myself sleepily lying within the soft wings of owls. Their feathers closed around my skin underneath me.
What manifested was a continuous flourish of animals; creatures pouring out of one another in a unbroken stream. Species after species; metamorphosing into one another with such speed and grace. It was an avian wonderland; toucans, parrots, owls, large white mystical birds, underwater soaring birds. There were grazing deer, ocelots, large cats, pussy cats, canines, dolphins, sea creatures, amongst many, many others. They looked like animated sketches, though sometimes they’d transform into very realistic 3D visions. Some took a more prominent role than others, sometimes I interacted with them individually, but collectively they acted and spoke to me as one single entity.
I was in the happiest state I had EVER been in. It was my personal utopia. It was like reverting to a child, and to have your fantasy dreams come true. I felt an absolute feeling of acceptance and a love I’ve never known emanating from them. I felt as if I’d never feel alone again.
Again; they were not there simply to please my eyes. I also very quickly I realised that they were conscious and articulate. I could converse very coherently with them. First they communicated mostly in gestures; animals would smile cartoonish, or turn their heads, or stamp their hooves or display their splendid features in approval etc….And then later in words, telepathically.
What was the most astonishing was not so much their appearances (as overwhelming as their visual presentation was), but the actual dialogue which took place between us. We discussed in depth the issues that vision 1 refused me answers too. They answered every question I could possibly think of to ask, about – well, pretty much everything; from the significant to trite.
** They said what the others had said before; that I MUST return to life, and that I must accept both it, and death. That I must stop the constant escapism from living, for it is precious, and not pointless.
** They re-assured me that death is not the end; that the afterlife was very real, as they the spirits were. That in death I will return and be reunited with them again. My own personal paradise, in which I could also see my loved ones…..Thus to follow and embrace life until the very end.
** I asked them about my mother’s upcoming operation. They replied that in the long run she will be alright. I asked them next about my father, and they gave a similar response ;- he will be ok. They won’t vanish in the near future, but they will die one day. And I will outlive them, against all my protests. And I will be okay. I began to want to ask them about various in my life… and soon they hushed me and concluded that they will not disclose every person’s fate to me. That there will be tragedies. That I will lose people who are currently dear to me – that is life! But that I will be much stronger than I’ve ever though I could be.
** They told me to grow old, and to stay with and support my parents till the end. They condemned furiously my thoughts of leaving the world before them. They told me to stop being selfish. They reminded me of certain friends who love me and who I should not betray. The made me promise to them that I shall never, ever take my own life. They stood on my chest and looked down upon me in all seriousness, and I promised, and I cried, and I promised again. And I meant it.
** I asked them if I should have children, to which mammals nodded and reared in joy, and birds soared up in jubilation, and a tiger stretched his neck to my face and grinned approvingly. Of course! I was speaking to Nature, after all.
** I asked them about my art/career…. to which they enthusiastically told me to carry on creating and being close to nature. To exert myself. To go further, and have no doubts about it.
**I asked them about taxidermy. They didn’t disapprove of the activity, but said that it was definitely not right to shoot birds for that purpose. To which I apologised and promised I wouldn’t do it again.
** I asked them about B. and why I hadn’t heard from him in 2 months. They said to forget him, and that we will no longer cross paths. Steer clear and move on.
** I asked about J. – they said to tell him likewise not to give up on work nor life. To pursue forcefully with his work, even though his current project will be a futile one.
** I asked about people who had betrayed me in the past, or whose honestly I was currently questioning. They said; M. – forget the cunt and let go. C. – just persist. She isn’t out to fuck you over, these things just need pushing and chasing.
** I asked; if God exists, why haven’t more people had such experiences. Why wasn’t such a thing shared?! They replied that plenty of people have had similar encounters. I realised then how difficult it might be to relay what I had experienced that night to most people, and never mind convincingly. I asked if I should tell my story to friends – how much I wanted to tell those I loved what I had seen, and what I was told!!! They said that I am free to share as I please, but many will not believe me. But that where I can, I should encourage those in need of assurance.
** A couple of times when I took a moment to reflect on the scope of what I was experiencing, I’d break down in total humility and gratitude to them for what they were giving and helping me with. I’ve been longing all my life for this day, and in tears of absolute joy I asked them why me…? Why reveal themselves to me? Their answer; because I had asked (begged!) the vine in complete earnest for strength.
** How about A.? Did she know that I was having this experience? Would I have to recall everything to her the next morning (I blushed and couldn’t envision doing so!). “Yes she knows!” they replied; “she sent us to you….” I thanked her over and over through them. I would be forever grateful.
** I asked if when tomorrow came if I’d still remember this, them, every detail, every answer. I asked and pleaded to not let any part of the evening escape my memory. A cat brought its head up towards mine, and pressed its forehead against mine and reassured me that I wouldn’t.
** They said that they have always been with me. And shall always remain within me; even if I can no longer see them… I will NEVER be alone. I will be able to seek guidance from them, and that they will hear me when I call to them. They reminded me that for all the questions I had been bombarding them with for hours, and which they patiently answered, and re-answered; most of the time I already knew the reply.
On two occasions I heard sounds, aurally, rather than telepathically as I had been communicating with the animals.
** At some I was talking to a tiger. I had temporarily run out of things to ask, and playfully asked him to tell me a secret. He bounces up onto what looks like some type of edifice and erects his paw and points directly to something which looked like a planet, or something in space. I try and guess at what he means. “Did you come from there?”. He dances and grins and I see and HEAR the explosions of fireworks. Bang.bang.BANG.
** Later on in the conversation when I was feeling far more relaxed, I realised I could hear faint music, which I at first assumed was coming from outside somewhere. Then I realised that that was highly improbable. The house was very remote, and it must have been around 4 or 5 am. On closer attention I realised the music was from in the room, and to my right. I looked closely and could see its source in the distance; some kind of god-elk, grazing with its rear to me.
I could feel them. As with vision 2, they confirmed their existence several times by direct physical contact and the sense of touch, as well as again sexual arousal:
Example 1: After a lengthy period of intense dialogue, I said I needed to have a cigarette and asked if that was alright. I had been lying on my back the entire time, and was worried that by changing my posture to smoke would affect my visions of them. I wanted to make sure they wouldn’t go away. The said of course! Smoke! And I could feel some mammal pushing its head against my back, pushing me up to sitting position. Upon sitting and lighting up, the animals flitted around me, and small birds perched on my fingers whilst I smoked and pondered on further questions to ask them.
Example 2: Birds were gliding up and around me, soaring joyously. I asked them about my failed astral projection attempts over the years. I asked them if it would ever be possible. And if they could help me in my practises. I was jealous and exclaimed how much I would love to detach from my physical self and join them in their ethereal realm that very moment. For a while they were hesitant, I think primarily for my safety. Conditions were not exactly orthodox. Still, I rolled over and onto my back and relaxed my muscles but didn’t go through the proper thorough relaxation exercises. I reached that buzzing, slight vibrational state much quicker than usual. I could sense the birds propelling and pulling and attempting to lift me up. I could feel one large white bird, fly through my torso, and integrated itself with my spine. Its wings spread open and my back arched, and I felt a definite lifting sensation along my back. It stayed like this for quite a while, before I decided to stop. I’d rather make use of my time with them talking.
Example 3: Sexual. At one point I was lying, languidly among some tigers. I think I myself had become somewhat feline. One began to fuck me, and once again the strong orgasms came.
Example 4: As the night progressed to morning, I could feel the visions slowly becoming less lucid. I was very tired but refused to go to sleep as long as they remained. Even when I could barely see them, every time I asked if they were still there they would reaffirm their presence with telepathy and touch. Though slower, and softer. I would hold out my hand in exhaustion, eyes shut, and feel something caressing or pawing in it.
It was a good couple of hours of revelation, of continuous questions, and constant answers and reassurance. I often apologised for asking trite questions, or for being repetitive, but they responded with love and patience. I also apologised for the gear, and the tiniest slither of cake I tasted one afternoon. The apologies were accepted, and they acknowledged the overall earnest and seriousness in my approach.
I promised to keep my word on everything we talked about that evening, and also that I’d adhere to the diet for another day or two out of gratitude. I asked them if it’d be alright to have a beer with J. though, on our last night. He had, after all patiently cooked and fed and looked after me throughout the entire experience. Dropping me off and picking me up after each nocturnal rendezvous. I was often irritable and reticent; in short I was pretty rubbish company. They granted me the beer.
They stayed with me, or I with them, until the very last moment. Many times I thought how wonderful it would be to fall into sleep with them, their love all around me. One or two times I told them I was going to sleep, and thanked them and told them I would be alright now, and in the morning when I would no longer see them I would still be strong. They tried to relax and usher me into slumber. Still from time to time, I could not but help keep checking if they were there. And each time they responded, I lit up with a smile, knowing I’d never allow myself to fade out with them around me. This went on for a while. And then it was morning, and I had just awoken. And there was neither fear nor sadness.
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