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This is the Moment You Realize
Mushrooms - P. cubensis
by Craig
Citation:   Craig. "This is the Moment You Realize: An Experience with Mushrooms - P. cubensis (exp90410)". Erowid.org. Nov 1, 2012. erowid.org/exp/90410

 
DOSE:
2.65 g oral Mushrooms - P. cubensis (cookie / food)

BODY WEIGHT: 165 lb


I wrote this to myself mostly, so I would be able to remember later on, and jog my memory. Obviously I experienced and saw a lot more than I described here, but this is an overview and it's still pretty long.

We left the city at 8am and arrived at the state park in mountains around 1pm. The hike to our campsite was about a mile long and fairly exhausting due to the incline. Once we got there, we set up the tents and just relaxed for a bit. I lay on the ground in the shade of a tall tree and rehydrated as the topic of discussion shifted to the obvious question-- when were we going to eat the mushrooms?

It had been one of the main purposes of the camping excursion. There were seven of us, me, Thuan, Kyle, Kyle's girlfriend Jackie, Kyle's visiting friend Eric, Zach, and Zach's girlfriend Jessie. The girls weren't going to partake, they decided to be our babysitters and Eric and Zach being experienced with shrooms would serve as our 'guides'. Thuan, Kyle, and myself were completely new to psychedelics, having only experienced even marijuana a handful of times.

Thuan and I had been discussing several weeks prior to the trip how interesting an altered state of consciousness must be. This was shortly after we had both tried pot for the first time and for myself, at least, had dumped the whole 'drugs are bad' mentality for the more realistic and sensible 'some drugs are bad' mindset. I had done a lot of research on harder psychedelic drugs in the past, and was especially interested in DMT and psilocybin and how similar people's experiences tended to be and also the heightened sense of spirituality, even in skeptical users. We agreed to try mushrooms together in the near future, should a situation allow for it.

A couple of weeks later our friends decided to go camping for Spring Break and it seemed like the perfect time to trip. Initially we had some difficulty acquiring a large enough amount for all of us, but at the last minute Zach was able to come through for us, and we were set.

At the camp site, someone suggested we try and hike up to the pinnacle and watch the sunset while tripping. I had assumed we were just going to relax around the camp and listen to good music, but I warmed up to the idea quickly and we all agreed.

Around 4pm Kyle handed out the chocolate bars he and Eric had made two nights prior that each contained 2.65 grams (three quarters of an eighth of an ounce) of psilocybin cubensis mushrooms. While Kyle, Eric, Thuan, and myself enjoyed our chocolate, Zach ate his eighth raw (he reserved more for himself since he had been the one to secure them). We agreed that next time we'd rather eat them raw even with the taste because that was entirely too much chocolate to eat in one sitting, especially before hiking a mile up 900 feet in elevation in afternoon heat.

We put out the fire, grabbed our water and some cameras and headed up the trail. About halfway there, we stopped for a break so I could pee. I walked away back down the trail a bit for some privacy and held onto a tree with both hands to keep my balance because the trail so steeply sloped to one side. Zach thought this was hilarious and having started to trip, he began laughing non-stop. Kyle had waited until now to finish off the rest of his chocolate and started to describe to us the different planes of motion he was seeing between the forest and the ground at our feet (at least that's what I gathered) and mentioned the chemical makeup of the layers of dirt. Thuan got tired of waiting for us and had long since headed up the trail ahead on his own. It was beginning.

The trail got really steep and we started to worry a little about Thuan. We called for him but got no reply. Eric and I were now starting to experience more saturated color in our vision, noticing the dark crimson quartzite rocks that dotted the trail were beginning to become strikingly purple and had a brilliant luster. Soon a man jogging back down the path past us confirmed he had seen a 'small asian guy' further up ahead, and then two other hikers on their way down said they saw him jumping around in a clearing and had told them he was 'losing it.'

Past more purple rocks, we found Thuan sitting on the ground around a bend staring at the dirt. He jumped up and exclaimed 'Hey guys! I was waiting for you! Look at my shirt! My shirt is beautiful! Look at my pants in the sun! They are wonderful! Wow!'

We stopped to rest again, and admire his clothing. He was right, the neon green design on his t-shirt seemed to be giving off light and his acid washed jeans looked to be shimmering and vibrating slightly.

I also started to notice the features of the landscape around me becoming much more... severe. The path we were on seemed precariously narrow, and it felt as if we were thousands, not hundreds of feet above the base. The wind started to pick up a little bit, and I felt that gravity was slowly shifting eastward with each gust.

As we started up the last bit of the trail, Zach was laughing and we were all just pointing out how colorful everything was. Even the girls noticed it, the mountain had an unusual variety of colorful rocks and minerals in the soil that were made all the more brilliant by our dilated pupils. I was becoming aware of more than saturation, though, as we passed a large deposit of quartzite, I stopped to point it out how metallic and shiny it was; it had a magnificent sheen. Jessie confirmed it was indeed a little bit sparkly, but I insisted it must be made of a mixture of purple metal and some kind of quartz crystal. In his excitement, Thuan tripped over me where I had stopped to look and knocked my shoe off. It was very scary. I began to feel like it was a major setback in our journey, but quickly snapped out of it. We were almost to the top, I told myself, so I sat down carefully and retied it. Thuan apologized profusely promised to calm down. That would prove impossible very soon.

I let the others pass me while I finished with my shoe, and I was the last one to round the last corner of the trail as it spiraled around the mountain up to the top. When the rest motioned to me to look out at the view, I was blown away. 'OH my fucking GOD' was all I could say as I put both hands on my head and my jaw dropped. It was amazing, the most magnificent view I had ever taken in. We could easily see for miles. It felt like we were floating above the Earth somehow. It wasn't like this mountain rivaled Everest, it was more like we weren't necessarily on Earth anymore. The sky was totally cloudless and a dazzling gradient of cyan and cerulean. The wind was blowing a cool breeze and everything seemed to reach a crescendo.

As I turned around, everyone was sitting on rocks in a circular area looking out off the top. I walked around taking in our destination. We were surrounded by beautiful chunks of purple brushed metal that walled us into our own little enclave at the top of the mountain. I got the distinct impression of a giant eagle's nest, and was reminded of the one in the Disney movie 'The Rescuers Down Under.' No one else had seen the movie. Just then, an eagle, shining and bright, soared overhead, as if to validate my comparison. I exclaimed as much, but as the words escaped my mouth, I realized it was just a hawk. I was unable to summon disappointment, though, as my mind raced to the next amazing discovery-- everything was crunchy.

Words fail me in every way when I try to describe most of anything that happened after the increased color saturation. But I ran my hand over one of the large boulders and I grabbed the edge and it was... crunchy (later the next day at camp, Kyle and I decided the sensation was sort of like crushing a graham cracker between your fingers-- everything was definitely solid and hard, but it felt very fragile). I needed to investigate this further, and my backpack was worrying me.

For the time being, the girls were hanging out further back. I left my bag in their care. Zach confirmed I would be able to remember everything-- this was not like any intoxication I had experienced before and I wouldn't have the hazy memories of a night of drinking. Photos weren't necessary and indeed wouldn't do this experience justice anyway. At that point I started to really regret bringing the bag with me, with my camera and lenses up there to the mountain. It was a huge risk, my entire livelihood in one bag, 900 feet up a cliff (though quantitative statements started to have much less meaning-- we might as well be miles above the ground). Jackie and Jessie assured me they would take care of it. I knew they would, since they were both photographers themselves and understood the value of it, but I was not happy to burden them with it, especially after already saddling them with 'babysitting' us. Again, they said they were fine and repeated that they were also enjoying the experience, that it was beautiful even through sober eyes.

I sat down on a rock. I put my hands in the dirt and picked up a handful. It felt dry, but it wasn't sand, it was brown soil-- there were plants growing up here, even trees. But it was dry and.. crunchy.. that word again, pixelated, maybe. Kyle was sitting on a higher rock to my left, closer to the edge, quietly admiring the view. 'Kyle, put your fingers in the dirt!' He turned to look at me, with a perplexed look as if maybe that was a phenomenal idea, but also at once I felt I had interrupted something great he was experiencing. I don't remember him replying, maybe he said 'oh, okay.' I apologized and went back to feel the rock I had been sitting on.

Eric came and sat beside me. I told him I was angry that everything I was experiencing was so cliché. I had noticed the trees far below us were swaying back and forth, as if dancing in rhythm with their arms in the air, like patrons at a baseball stadium performing a 'wave.' The smaller mountains in the distance were bobbing up and down like waves on the ocean. Zach was laying behind us up on a rock closer to the trees, laughing occasionally, mostly at how analytical I was being. We all agreed that Walt Disney or his staff or someone at the studios must have been tripping when they made most of their early shorts like the 'Silly Symphonies' series.

I began to get very anxious. Zach was trying to find his cell phone, and I yelled that I didn't want to see it. He assured me he couldn't find it, and I told him to turn it off if he did. I was then aware of the walkie-talkie on my hip. I had a strong urge to hurl it off the side of the mountain. I didn't care about destroying it, I just wanted to be as far away from it as I could be. It just felt very wrong to have a phone or radio. Any sort of communication with anyone that wasn't here with us seemed like the worst idea in the world. I decided to at least turn off the radio, and I got Jessie to turn hers off as well. Immediately I remembered the reason we had the radios. My mind raced. I said I would turn it on again if I fell of the mountain and wasn't paralyzed or dead. If I were dead it wouldn't matter if it was off or on anyway, and if I were paralyzed and it was on, I wouldn't be able to use it regardless. They laughed at my thorough analysis of something so trivial, but I was satisfied with my reasoning.

I felt like this whole.. thing.. I was experiencing was something I had to figure out.

Kyle and Jackie and Zach and Jessie went further down the face to see what Thuan was up to. I made Eric stay with me-- I didn't feel like I could be alone. I was still feeling the rock with my hands and fingers, and I decided to strike it with my knuckles. It sounded hollow, perhaps an inch thick. Eric agreed; it was strange.

I looked at my hands. They were no longer flesh colored, but rather had a pattern of alternating magenta and green stripes, or a sort of web-like design.. I suspect I was picking up on the network of blood vessels beneath my skin. Anyway, they were also slightly metallic and shimmered in the sunlight.

I also started noticing 'trails' of color behind objects either when they moved or I shifted my gaze. The most prominent of these trails came from these plants that had bright red tendrils, long and narrow that reached like fingers toward the sky. As I said, there were naturally many more colors up here than lower down the mountain, but what I experienced was as if someone had colored the scene with a variety of highlighter markers.

The others returned and told me I needed to come down to the lower level with them, that the view was a lot better. The girls waited with me while Eric checked it out. He came back and confirmed their claims. I took a lot of convincing, but eventually I decided Eric knew what I was capable of and I trusted him.

It was a second, lower level, much like the first but with fewer obstructions to our view. The sun was setting now. I saw Thuan and Kyle sitting on rocks, and Zach was walking around on some fallen trees. They all turned to me and called up for me to join them below. I was worried I was intruding, but they insisted. There was an overwhelming feeling of well-being, it was like a hero returning home at the end of a movie or something, a lot of love, it felt like I had been waiting all of my life to come to this spot, and everyone wanted me there. Everything wanted me there. Thuan said 'Come here, sit with me.' I sat down beside him on a low rock, and stretched my legs out in front of me. We stared into the horizon as the sky got warmer with the orange sun just beginning to set.

I couldn't stop talking, trying to describe everything I was seeing, feeling, thinking. I was having a thousand and one revelations every minute. My laughing was punctuated with grunts of frustration because I couldn't adequately describe my thoughts, or prioritize them. 'I don't have enough mouths to tell you everything I am thinking' was what I told Jackie as I gave up. Thuan was reassuring me that I didn't need to tell anyone, but my frustration remained.

I was breathing deeply, maybe even hyperventilating a little. Gripping the rocks around me, feeling them, feeling my hands, and also digging my heels back and forth in the soil in front of me. From time to time I would take a handful of soil and simply toss it into the air. I suppose there was a similar tension as when you are going up the lift hill of a roller coaster for the the first time. Not total fear, but excitement and anxiety. A good feeling, but just a hint of unease.

My feelings were coming in waves that were in sync with the (now literally) rolling hills below.

'This is the best day of my life!'

'oh. my GOD!'

'HOLY FUCK'

Thoughts such as these repeated over the next (what I can assume was an) hour or so. In another bout of frustration, I suddenly had an epiphany. I was still trying to explain something to Jackie, and I was just stumbling over syllables and no real words were forming, and then finally--

'I.. I will tell you later. Yes, I'llllll telllll you laaaterrrrrrrrr.'

Everyone's voices (including my own) became synthesized, autotuned, filled with vibration.

Suddenly Jackie turned toward me and her face didn't look right, at all. Her eyes were squares and her teeth became long like a horse's. Her hair had been amazing to look at before, but now too closely reminded me of Medusa. It was terrifying.

'Oooohh kay, I can't look at faces..!' I said, interrupting whatever she was trying to tell me. Eric turned to look at me, to see if I was alright, and his face had turned pale and green, with sunken eyes.. it was bad. Hoping everyone hadn't been affected, I looked at Jessie and she had become a demon. Narrow eyes, pointed ears and chin, purplish skin. I had to cover my eyes or stare at the ground.

Eric reached out to comfort me, but his fingers had become long, green, and iridescent. 'No please, don't do that. Not a good idea,' I said. Thuan turned to face me, but instead of his head rotating in my direction, his face just stretched out sideways so it was facing forward and toward me at the same time. I asked him to turn back.

Zach asked what was wrong, because they were all surrounding me. 'He can't look at faces,' someone said. 'He can look at my face,' Zach proclaimed. I believed him. He was mostly right-- his face was in tact, except his forehead kept sinking inward and the bulging out, as if it were breathing. It wasn't pleasant to see but it was better than the others.

People could tell I was starting to have a bad time. I had done a lot of reading on others' experiences earlier in the week and my anxiety over the possibility of a bad trip started to trigger one.

Jessie lightheartedly suggested that two of the mountains in the distance looked like lopsided boobs. Eric said “which ones? There are so many out there…” and then suddenly hundreds of new mountains rose up out of the ground below us and continued their undulating movement.

I was getting overwhelmed, it was too much to take. Thuan repeated to me 'Craig, everything will be okay, you are fine. You worry too much.' 'Yeah, yeah, I know, I do. I worry too much, but..' and I would struggle with words again.

'How are we going to get off this mountain?' I wondered aloud. Eric told me not to worry about it, we were fine, I was fine, everyone was fine, nothing bad was happening. He also reminded me that it was all a chemical reaction in my brain. It was just mushrooms, it was all in my head.

I had read this before, that it was a good idea to try and remember if you started having a bad trip, but I had forgotten. That seemed to do the trick. I could look at faces again, and I started to breathe easier. The trees and mountains flowed with my breathing, it was peaceful. The wind picked up and suddenly it was paradise again.

'Holy shit, I am tripping BALLS,' I declared, as I briefly returned to reality.

I was laughing so much, it was so indescribably beautiful, I started crying, really hard, with mucus coming out of my nose. I didn’t even realize it until someone pointed it out. I'd never cried tears of joy before then, but I have never felt that intense sense of well-being.

Any time it started getting bad again, I just repeated 'everything is fine, I am having a great time, and everything is fine.' and it worked. Thuan put his arm around my shoulder, and I reciprocated, we leaned against each other, and it just felt like we began to connect. We were sitting in silence, and I would look out at something specific and then look at Thuan and he would say 'I know, right? WOWWW….' it was like our minds were synced, we were connected. I felt connected to everyone there, really, but Thuan and I seemed to be sharing sight and thoughts. I started panicking again, but I hadn't said anything out loud, and Thuan said 'Craig, this-- this is the moment you realize.' And I came back and everything was fine. We were just sitting there and nodding to each other. Occasional utterances of 'this is so beautiful,' 'this is amazing,' and 'wow' were pretty much the only words spoken. 'This is the moment you realize' was some sort of mantra between us that came up whenever we shared a thought, or when I started to panic.

Zach emerged from a lower level through some tall plants, and for some reason I got it in my head that he looked a lot like some kind of Chinese monk, but I hadn't yet voiced it. 'Yes, from China,' Thuan looked at me and said. And then we both realized I hadn't spoken, and I think we both just said 'WWOOOOOWW!' It was bizarre. I pride myself on being a pretty harsh skeptic, but I have no idea what was going on. It felt like there was some kind of an ego barrier breakdown between us.

We were lost in the scene again, and then Eric appeared to say 'guys, it's getting cold, we're gonna start heading back' and suddenly the sun was gone and the moon had risen. 'Soon,' Thuan said, 'not yet.' Eric looked slightly annoyed, but walked away. …And then, to me, the exact same moment repeated itself with Eric using the exact same words in the same tone and inflection and expression, but this time Thuan said 'Okay, we can go now.' and we got up.

As I stood up, I started to feel all sensation of linear time leave me. Zach was ahead of everyone, up higher on the mountain. 'Guys! we can go this way, I found another trail!' It turns out we had actually stopped just short of the absolute highest point, and he had found the way up (only perhaps another ten or fifteen feet in elevation). Everyone carefully followed him up, more or less in single file, until we got to another clearing. Night had fallen, and the moon (full and at apogee, 14% larger than normal, a once-in-eighteen-years occurrence) illuminated us like a dim blue sun. Countless lights in all colors from all of the towns and cities below shone up at us.

Just then time slowed to a halt. Every sound died, everyone stopped moving, frozen in place, and it was just me, able to look around freely. I was alone in the world, stopped in this single moment, and I closed my eyes and let the wind (the only other entity in motion) blow against me, cold and refreshing. I knew I could stay in this moment as long as I wanted, and I felt like it lasted more than ten minutes. After a while I decided to see what else was up here, so I let it time flow again and we proceeded onward.

We ran into another small group of hikers also at the top. Immediately I became extremely anxious about the encounter. Time stopped again. I was able to calm myself down and think through this. 'It's not that difficult to talk to people you've never met' I told myself (literally, out loud), 'you've done it tons of times, and that's all you have to do. Everything will be okay, they won't suspect a thing, and they won't hurt you.' I let time resume it's progression, and the fat man with a big flashlight said to me 'Wow, what a way to end the day!' looking out at the lights 'yeah, it's amazing,' I said as I passed him. This encounter looped a few more times, for whatever reason. He and I exchanged the exact same words probably three or four times before I was able to continue with the rest of my friends.

When I got to the first step down off the top, I got nervous. It was really dark down there and I still wasn't sure how to climb down. I stopped time again to console myself. I breathed deeply and looked out at the lights again, they reminded me of being back at the city harbor at night from the bridge, and then I saw one of the massive cargo boats from the harbor push its way across the valley floor below, plowing up earth instead of water. I decided I was ready to go back to camp.

There is a moment of memory loss after this. I remember people helping me down the steep rocks at the top and Jessie giving me instructions on where to step (I would occasionally pause time to inspect my footing) but then all of a sudden I came down out of the sky into my body and I was alone with Zach on a trail in the woods.

I wasn't worried, though, I figured we were just lagging and we'd catch up. In reality, that was true, but we were much further behind than either of us realized. Zach asked aloud 'how the heck did we get up that mountain?' the question was rhetorical, but I replied with some gibberish. We continued walking for a while, I kept slapping my palm against trees we passed, feeling the texture, starting to feel like I was coming down. Around that time Zach said 'you know what's crazy about mushrooms?' 'What?' I asked. 'As soon as you think you've come down, you realize you're still tripping.'

I began to get scared.

At some point we took a wrong turn. The rest of the group had continued on without us, as Zach had assured them we'd be fine. But he and I took a right instead of going straight (I figured this out later on a map) and suddenly the trail was totally unfamiliar. The trail we took up was very steep and rocky, this trail seemed flatter and smoother.

We walked for what seemed like days. That is not an exaggeration, I had no idea how long I had been walking with Zach and I began to suspect he was not real and that I was alone in the woods. Sometimes I would stop and start walking off the trail, because I thought I was dreaming and that I could create a short cut back to camp if I just willed it to happen. Zach yelled at me to come back, and I obeyed, since I wasn't totally convinced of my idea.

After a long time, I gave up. I wasn't sure if I was alive anymore. Maybe I was passed out somewhere in the woods or even on top of the peak still, and this was a dream. It sure didn't feel real. The moon was too bright and the path was too boring and I was far too exhausted.

I lay down. Zach came back to me and asked if I wanted him to take my backpack. I thought he might be the Devil and it was a test. I told him no, I would keep it. He told me to get up and keep moving. Slowly and reluctantly I obeyed.

We trudged on, more years passed. I became aware of Zach talking on a cell phone. Now I knew I was dreaming. 'We're lost, yeah, we took a wrong turn' he said to the phone. 'We're not lost, you're not even real and you don't even have a cell phone with you anyway!' I yelled at him. I was scared I would never escape this dream.

We kept walking and I lay down on the ground again. It was nice and cool. My muscles ached. I was content to die there, but I couldn't figure out how to die. Zach came back to me and I told him I wasn't getting up, to leave me behind. For a while, I thought he had, and I was getting really upset trying to figure out if I was dead or if I needed to die, or how to wake up. I decided maybe throwing up would be a good idea.

I tried, but barely anything came up. That got Zach's attention and he came back over to me and told me to get up. 'Craig, get up. You got yourself into this, and you are going to get yourself out.' Now I was convinced it was some kind of dream or purgatory and I needed to learn a lesson, that I had experienced something too amazing up on the mountain and I had to be punished. It was my fault and I would suffer to pay.

'Craig, get up.'

'No.'

'Get UP'

'No, I can't.'

'yes, you can. GET UP NOW.'

'this isn't real, I'm not moving.'

'I'm not going to leave you here and I'm not going to stay in these woods all damn night'

'fuck you, you're not real'

He grabbed my arms and began to drag me down the trail on my back.

He talked to the phone again (I learned that Jessie suggested kicking me to see if I'd get up).

He stepped on my hand. I was alive. I had been tasting dirt, but the pain from my hand really did the trick. 'Don't make me step on your hand again, get up,' he said. 'Do it,' I said. He did. 'Harder,' I said. He pressed down.

I started to feel like maybe this was real.

I stood up and let him have my backpack. I shambled along beside him trying just to stay moving, not really paying attention to what else was going on. It was a strange sensation of boredom. I was really bored and tired now, I think it was a fear of eternal boredom, walking this trail in the woods for eons that really made me scared.

There was another bit of memory loss here, but suddenly Kyle came down the trail toward us with a headlamp on his head. He had been tripping harder than me, I thought, there was no way he was coming to save me. This must be a dream. Still, he got on one side of me and Zach got on the other, and they each took my arms on their shoulders and we walked to the end of the trail.

...And came out in the parking lot of the visitor center for the state park.

There was absolutely NO WAY this was real. I had seen the map earlier that day, the parking lot was like two miles out of the way.

We stopped at the edge of the woods because my shoes had come off. Kyle knelt down to put them on for me, and I leaned on him as he tied them. I took a bite of the tree we were standing beside. It was good to feel the texture of the bark on my teeth; it felt real.

We crossed the parking lot and the rest of our group was waiting for us at the beginning of the next trail, the one back to camp. I was offered water (I didn't drink anything for the entire 8-hour trip, as I didn't feel like I should put anything inside my body) and I took a few sips, but used most of it to pour on my head in yet another effort to wake myself up. Kyle switched with Eric and he and Zach helped me walk up the mile trail back to camp. I would periodically drag my feet, but Jessie would cheer me on and was asking me sort of interview questions about my family and pets and whatever else to try and keep my mind focused. The whole night in the woods, I had been struggling to remember what Thuan and I had been saying to each other up on the mountain, and finally it came to me, and I told Eric 'This… is the moment... you realize...' That was some kind of signifier for me, that I was going to make it, that I had passed the tribulation. The trail began to look familiar, and then I was finally able to make out the outlines of our tents.

I managed to get out of my pants and into my sleeping bag inside the tent, still not entirely convinced I wasn't actually passed out somewhere on the mountain in the woods alone. But I woke up a couple of hours later when everyone else started to get in the tent, and realized I was alive and safe and I felt unbelievably grateful to all of my friends for taking care of me.

Even with the dark moments, the trip was still the most exciting, the happiest day of my life. I learned a lot about myself and I think I came down the mountain a new, better person-- lighter, happier, with more confidence and fewer worries.



Exp Year: 2011ExpID: 90410
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 23 
Published: Nov 1, 2012Views: 47,021
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Mushrooms - P. cubensis (66) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Glowing Experiences (4), First Times (2)

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