Citation: Hypersphere. "What are Pants?: An Experience with Mushrooms (Magic Mushrooms) (exp90351)". Erowid.org. Oct 29, 2011. erowid.org/exp/90351
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I had a rather powerful high-dose mushroom trip the other day, on the spring equinox. I am going to do my best to put it into words, accepting in advance the futility of the gesture. Words are simply my mind trying to impose Order and Reason on what was fundamentally an inexplicable experience, one beyond words. It was definitely a ++++ “mystical experience” that was filled with joy and wonder as well as its share of sinister and uncomfortable moments.
I am a 26 year old male, weighing 125 pounds and generally in good health, although I had been suffering from a recurring cold the last month or so. I generally consume marijuana and yerba mate daily, and kratom off and on, but had been abstaining from these substances for a few days in order to speed my recovery from illness. I had been taking reishi extract and a herbal adaptogen tincture prior to this experience, although I do not feel they had an impact on this experience and I mention them only for completeness.
I consider myself highly experienced with psychedelic substances. I have done acid and mushrooms probably a couple hundred times each, as well as experimenting extensively with hallucinogenic offerings of the botanical world, and several of the more commonly available chemicals discussed in PIHKAL and TIHKAL. I am also no stranger to high doses.
Substance and Dosage:
We split just shy of an ounce of mushrooms between five people. It was a combination of 7 grams of wildharvested liberty caps (Psilocybe semilacenta) and 20 grams of cultured Psilocybe cubensis. I found it humorous, when Alice incredulously asked “You guys are going to do FIVE GRAMS of mushrooms???”
“Well, a little more, actually,” came our reply, “You want to die with us tonight?” I was happy that Alice felt comfortable enough to come on the journey with us, even though she had never done more than an eighth of ‘shrooms before.
The girls seemed to think the guys took bigger sips of the brew than them, so I would peg the amount of mushrooms I ingested between 5.5 and 6 grams.
The mushrooms were powdered in a coffee grinder, mixed with cacao powder and honey (Aztec styles) to make a thick paste, and this paste was then stirred into hot (but not boiling!) mint tea to create a liter of potent mushroom hot-chocolate.
We had gone to visit some good friends deep in the mountains. They have been renting the most epic house, nay a mansion, for the winter months. It is a retreat center during the summer, but for the winter months it is closed and the guy who owns it wanted to rent it out to some good peeps to look after the place and keep the vibes high. My friends had spent the last few months supporting themselves by throwing full moon parties, and gobbling tons of acid, mushrooms and doing art the rest of the time.
To get up to their house, you drive steeply uphill from the city and lake below. At a certain point in time, we suddenly found ourselves in the forest. The road narrows and continues upward through cedar, hemlock, birch and aspen forest for another few kilometres. The forest is moist and polypores abound on rotting birch trees. We couldn’t make it all the way to the top in our van, due to the steepness and slushy conditions, as there was still much snow at this higher elevation, so we parked about 400 metres down the road and walked the rest of the way up.
I’ll describe the house a little more: It was formed as two large circles, linked like an infinity sign, constructed entirely of wood. There is an upstairs and a downstairs. Upstairs, there is one complete circle that holds the master bedroom and another couple rooms, and then a large semi-circular space that links on holds the kitchen and living room area. Downstairs there is a large, round room with a wooden ceiling, and windows and a door opening to a garden on one side, and down a few more stairs there is a hallway containing several bedrooms and two bathrooms.
The house is tapped on spring water, and by wandering up a path into the forest behind the house, you can come close to the mouth of the spring, drinking water from a split piece of bamboo placed into the path of flow as a drinking fountain. There is also a smaller round temple up there that is used for Ayahuasca ceremonies during the summer, although it is pretty chilly at this time of year with no heat.
Most of our trip took place in the large round room downstairs. We set up a grid of crystals in the center of the floor, aligned with the center of the ceiling which projects down into the room a couple feet and has a quartz cluster embedded in it. The floor is covered with woven mats, geometrically patterned in greens, reds and blues. There is also an infinite amount of blankets, pillows and bedding around the walls of the room. It was dark outside and the only source of illumination was a cheerful beeswax candle near the center of the altar.
So suffice to say, our setting was fucking ideal, in fact it would be hard to find a better setting.
It had been about six months since I had taken mushrooms. My last psychedelic trip before this one was about a month previous, with a low dose of mescaline. So it is fair to say my tolerance to psychedelics was low going into this experience.
The day before had been a full moon party. Since we were helping our friends and their crew do all the setup, looking after the party, and tear down, no one had taken psychedelics the night before. Now, it was time for us to journey and celebrate the spring equinox which was today.
Physically I have been a bit run down recently, having a kind of chronic cold that kept coming back every time I ran myself down by smoking too much pot, drinking too much yerba mate with kratom in it, or eating too many subway sandwiches. Although I helped with the setup for the full moon party, after that I had gone back to the mansion to just rest. As previously mentioned, I had been abstaining from kratom or smoking marijuana, and strictly limiting my caffeine consumption during the last couple days. I was a little congested and had a slight cough going into this experience.
Five of the best people chose to partake of the medicine this evening: Myself, my partner Miel, Alice, Goopstar and Cory. I am very close to all of these individuals and have a very high level of trust in and love for them. I was totally comfortable with our group and knew that whatever needed to be expressed or experienced, I could do so safely with them.
Since I was in an ideal setting and with the best people, this was the first time in a long time that I felt very comfortable going into a high-dose psychedelic experience. Indeed, I simply haven’t done any high-dose tripping in so long because the set and setting hadn’t been ideal before today.
Before drinking the brew, we all drew cards from the mayan oracle deck. Alice, Cory and Goopstar all pulled the number 7, indicating they would be on a similar wavelength to one another that night. Miel pulled the number 10, and I pulled the number 13. I don’t recall much of what the card said, but if it relates at all to western interpretations of the number 13, then I had pulled the highest vibration card, and a number infamous for chaotic and unexpected outcomes.
Intention and Ingestion:
Goopstar shook up the brew and took the first sip, passing it clockwise around the circle to Cory, who sipped and then passed it to me. Before drinking, I held the brew up and consciously stated my intention, “I am calling in healing on all levels of my being.” I felt the need to heal myself of my recurring sickness. Then I sipped too, and passed it on my left to Miel, who passed it to Alice. Round and round the brew went, four full rotations before we had finished it.
The medicine came on quickly and with great power. I felt the familiar come-up of mushrooms, a slight queasiness in my tummy and waves of electric energy tingling through my body. Soon we all felt the need to lie down, and be close to the earth. We grabbed blankets and pillows for comfort.
During the come up period I was quite restless and felt a level of anxiety in my body. I shifted and moved, but just couldn’t seem to get comfortable, no matter what position I was in. I did my best to relax and breathe through the building waves of psychedelic intensity. No doubt about it, we were in for a journey tonight! I took my glasses off, and placed them amongst the crystals of the altar. “Sight, no longer needed!” exclaimed Cory or Goopstar, and everyone laughed.
At some point in time I felt the need to void my bowels. There was a rumbling, grumbling going on inside my intestines, and I felt that there was some cleansing to go on there, so I stood up to make my way, a little unsteadily, towards the toilet. Exiting the round room was walking from dim light to full-on darkness. There were no lights on in the hall at all, only a faint ghostly light that seemed to be coming from the end of the hall. Blindly, with open-eye visual static already blurring my vision, I stumbled down the three stairs and felt my way along the wall until I reached the bathroom.
Once I got into the bathroom, I felt the presence of an entity. It was either the same one, or one of a similar kind, that I have contacted before through DMT. I feel it is the entity (or one like it) that I used to call my “Psychic Chiropractor”, as he would show me how to move my body in ways I didn’t even know were possible, with the gentlest of guiding touches. Today, he encouraged me as I sat on the toilet to take off my socks and pants, and put my feet flat on the ground to give better contact with the earth. I took off my shirt and sweater too, and naked the way I came into the world, I put my hands on the ground and lovingly released from my bowels, giving back to the earth. The entity remained with me, approving, hovering somewhere overhead unseen. I could hear him though, making these tones, kind of low humms and haws, almost machine like. It’s worth noting that this entity seems to communicate telepathically. Although I would translate his communication into english for my own ease, he was definitely speaking straight to me and not using language it the way we understand it. After I had finished my business I thanked the entity for his presence and friendly help, and then made my way back to the round room, carrying my socks which I hadn’t put back on yet.
When I got back in, I tried to get comfortable again. I tried putting my socks back on, finding them sweaty and kind of smelly. It was as if my feet had swollen, and try as I might I could not get my socks back on. I decided I should get a nice, new pair of socks for the journey, so I let myself out of the room again, this time heading to the end of the hall to the bedroom Miel and I were sleeping in.
The mushrooms were coming into fuller force by now, each minute marked a huge increase in effects. If I had been lost in the hallway before, now I was lost and confused. I couldn’t see anything through the crackling visual patternings, and walked into the wall by accident. Continuing down the hallway towards two faint bars of bluish light, I eventually found myself running into our bed, only a couple feet away from the window which was the source of the faint blue illumination. Well, at least I had found my room! I tried feeling for my backpack in the dark. Is this it? I couldn’t tell. It didn’t feel quite right, and yet I was sure it must be my backpack. Where was the light switch? I flailed around, spinning, half falling. Reaching out desperately for the light switch, and not finding it. How could it be so difficult? Why did it have to be so dark? I was so disoriented I no longer knew which way was even back to the hallway. Finally I managed to orient myself and turn on the light. Then it was the work of a second to find my backpack and pull a clean pair of socks out. Lights out, and I groped my way back to the round room, passing Alice who was on her way to the bathroom.
“Such pretty lights and colours!” she exclaimed as we passed each other.
“If you make it all the way to the light at the end of the tunnel, it’s actually the window.” I said, and she laughed.
Back in the round room, you could see that people’s trance states were deepening. Everyone was sprawled on the floor, covered in blankets, and hardly speaking at all. I tried putting on my new pair of socks, but still my feet seemed swollen and eventually I gave up, figuring I could just go bare foot for this journey. I grabbed a pillow and blanket and tried to get comfy again. At first I fidgetted and shifted, but then I started staring into the candle, and its warm light calmed me. Something was happening. There were little noises, almost inaudible, and the room seemed to shake ever so slightly. It felt like being in a space ship, that was just starting to lift off the ground. I felt like the candle was my center, the still place around which everything was in movement. I was no longer centered within myself, I had externalized my center to the candle. There were patternings of energy visible in the air around the candle, the air appeared thick like water and swirled like smoke.
“It’s a lot like DMT.” Goopstar commented, and I had to agree with him, it was a lot like DMT. The patterns of the woven rugs on the ground were taking on an extra-dimensional vividness and mobility. Everything was starting to look the way things look, right when you drop out of a DMT flash, the world covered in shifting, colourful geometric patternings.
“The liberty caps have more psilocin in them.” I said, in way of explanation of the DMT-like quality.
“Oh yeah!” Said Goopstar.
“What’s the difference?” Asked Alice.
“Psilocin is the active form of psilocybin mushrooms in the body, but it also closer to DMT in structure. It’s 4-hydroxy-DMT.” I replied.
And then we all fell silent. The only noise was when Alice would make little “Mmm! Mmm…” noises, like a small animal being repeatedly startled, or like the sounds a woman makes when being sweetly penetrated by her lover. The humming, twirling motion came back. I was tripping hard. For some reason I was thinking a lot about our van, and recalling when we had last taken it in for an oil change. There was a very pushy mechanic who pretty much told us every fluid in the vehicle needed to be sucked out and changed, and that of course they had all the machines here to do just that, if we were willing to cough up the $1000 or so it would have taken to fix everything he thought was “wrong”. I was tripping about how he had been a bit of a dick, but all in all he was a human being and just as worthy of my acceptance and foregiveness as anyone else. And I thought that, perhaps, I might take the van in to some other place some day and ask them to suck out and replace the mysterious faded pink fluid that I remembered vividly from back then. I felt it would be worth kicking in a couple hundred bucks to keep the van in good running condition (after all, it has nearly 400,000 km on it, and is still running awesome!). Strangely mundane thoughts for a mushroom trip.
Someone was shifting around in their blankets, making crinkly fabric noises that sounded very distorted right now. All of a sudden, there was a loud bump and people erupted in laughter. “I was swimming around with these snakes in a dream, then I fell and landed back in my body!” Exclaimed Goopstar. More giggling. Goopstar talked excitedly about how he had been surrounded by all these snakes, in his vision.
“P.S. The ceiling is really trippy!” Said Cory.
I found this noisy interruption and talking threw me out of my calm tripping space. Suddenly I was all anxious and fidgetty again, having difficulty finding a comfortable way to lay. I tried laying on my back, but found it disconcerting looking up at the ceiling. I really wanted to stay where I could watch the candle, as I found it very comforting and grounding for me. So I lay back on my side, and eventually was able to calm down and start tripping nicely again. Just then, when I was feeling good and thinking the candle would be my safety net, my anchor point for the night, Goopstar leaned over suddenly and blew out the candle! The room plunged into darkness. All I could see was a tiny little orange glow from the tip of the wick, which went out after a few seconds.
For a moment, I was lost again. The candle had been my center, my anchor point, and Goopstar had just snuffed it out! What was I going to do now? I thought. I realized this was to be the long, dark night of the soul. Like the Moon card from the Thoth deck. Only by passing through the darkness, can new life arise. In the dark, it is easy to stumble or be led astray, and the jackals that guard the gates are eager to fall upon those who have lost their way. But I soon found the darkness comfortable enough. It was so dim I could barely see the other people in the room, but it lent a womb-like comfort and intimate feeling. Terence McKenna was right. Five dry grams, under conditions of silent darkness. And we were all totally silent now, silent for a long time. WOW. That’s the only word that describes it accurately. Just, WOW.
Up until here, the experience has been reasonably easy to describe. But now I am getting to the real deep part of the trip, the part that defies any attempt to put it into words that accurately describe to others what I was experiencing. All I can possibly convey is a pale ghost of my thoughts and feelings. Also, after this point my memory of the trip becomes a bit fragmented. A sure sign of going a little too far out, that recollection of the experience, the ability to bring it back and integrate it with the sober mindstate, becomes difficult.
At some point there was a loud THUMP! On the roof above us, presumably someone upstairs dropping something on the floor. There were three other people in the house who were not journeying with us tonight. This noise broke out silent reverie, and cackling laughter rang through the room.
“I feel like we are all having a nap together,” said Alice.
“Nap time!” I said, “I used to love naptime in daycare. Naptime was always the best time. But I don’t know if I feel fully awake yet!”
“No?” Queried Alice, “Well, go back to sleep then!”
I considered this silently for a moment, then meekly agreed, “Okay.”
This cracked my companions up hardcore. They laughed, and laughed. Although I did not laugh at the beginning, the laughter quickly became contagious, and I found msyelf laughing hysterically, deep belly laughs. The hilarity of how silly my own and other’s laughter sounded right now only triggered greater howls and wails. Monkey, who was chilling out in his room down the hall, commented to us the next day that our laughter hadn’t sounded like normal laughter, and that it rose and fell in some kind of wave sequence patterning.
As the laughter eased, we started to speak again. Lots of comments of “Wow!” came from all sides. “Wow. It’s really quite… I mean… WOW.” I writhed around on the floor sinuously, like a snake.
“I’m experiencing so many dimensions right now!” Someone said, maybe Alice.
“What are dimensions?” Asked someone else.
“Dimensions don’t even exist!” I really don’t know who said that. By now, it was becoming very hard to distinguish between myself and others, and indeed for most of the rest of the trip I considered us to be some kind of composite organism experiencing itself subjectively. The psychological boundaries that normally separate myself from others were melting away.
This was the start of one of many thought-loop-spirals that continued for me throughout the trip. Also the start of a sense of the unification of opposites. To explain that better, the concept “dimensions” seemed to exist, and not exist, at the same time, and this was no longer a logical error in my mind. Existence and non-existence were no longer mutually exclusive.
“I’m experiencing so many dimensions right now, I think I need to take off my pants!” I said. I had been toying with the idea for sometime, and indeed felt much more comfortable without pants on. We all laughed some more. Laughter is quite therapeutic, really.
I realized my nose was stuffy, and I needed to blow it. So I felt around until I managed to find my pants, knowing I had kleenex in the pockets. Getting the kleenex out of the pocket, or even finding a pocket in the pants, was proving to be too much for my bemushroomed consciousness however. I kept turning the pants over and over, and each time was foiled. They seemed to be twisted and knotted up in strange ways, and I couldn’t for the life of me untangle them. Finally, I decided to share my problem with the others.
“I need to blow my nose, but I can’t find my pants.” I said, and after they howled with laughter, “I mean, I know I am holding onto them… but I seriously can’t find my pants!” Of course, this only induced more laughter. I kept turning my pants around, and around, but I still couldn’t find the pocket.
“What are pants?” asked Cory.
“Pants don’t even exist!” I replied.
“And what are noses?”
“Noses don’t exist, either!”
After another minute or so, Alice asked if I had gotten a kleenex yet, and I said that I hadn’t. “Do you want me to try?” She asked.
“Yeah, that would be great!”
“So what do you want me to do, again?” Alice asked.
“Find a pocket in my pants, take out the kleenex and hand it to me.”
“And you can’t do that yourself?” There was a hint of humorous disbelief in her voice.
“Um… No. I can give you my pants, that’s it.” I said, and passed them over to her dim silhouette.
After working on my pants for a while, Alice started saying, “Wow, this is really quite challenging. I never imagined it could be so… I mean they’re all twisted up…”
Goopstar left the room and came back with a roll of toilet paper which he handed to me, just as Alice succeeded in finding a pocket in my pants and getting the kleenex out. Suddenly, I was showered with material to blow my nose with. Toilet paper, and kleenex! I blew my nose into the toilet paper, but found it rather rough.
“Alice, you still have the kleenex?”
“Yeah, what about it?”
“Will you give it to me still?”
“But don’t you have toilet paper?”
“Yeah, but just give me the fucking kleenex!” My voice was jovial, with no bite in these words.
“Okay, here you go!” She put it in my hand.
“Perfect!” And I blew my nose again. Everyone laughed.
At a certain point Cory asked if anyone else felt like they had a tail.
“Yeah… yeah, actually, I can resonate with that.” I said. Miel and Goopstar agreed that they too could feel their tail.
“Woah. We all have tails! I never imagined I would have a tail.” I said.
“It also feels really cool when you press into your eyeballs.” Said Cory.
Alice had been out of the room going pee, and when she came back in, I asked if she felt like she had a tail.
“A tail?” She asked. “Umm… well…
“Do you? Do you have a tail?”
“I guess… No. No, I don’t really feel like I have a tail.” She said.
“ALICE DOESN’T HAVE A TAIL! That’s so weird. WHY DON’T YOU HAVE A TAIL, ALICE? WHERE DID YOU COME FROM???” I am speaking quite loudly, utterly astonished that the rest of us would have a tail and Alice wouldn’t.
“Come on, feel your tail.” I say.
“Breathe into your tail.” Cory encourages.
“Actually… I think I can feel my tail.”
“Good! That’s relieving. I was worried for awhile. I mean, how could the rest of us have a tail, and you not? I’m glad you found your tail, Alice.” I said.
It is worth saying that sometimes during this trip I felt a very strong group unity, and other times I felt an equally strong sense of separation. When I was coming up, I had felt that because I drew the number thirteen, I was separated from the others, especially the three who had all drawn the number seven. At other times, I felt an incredible unity, to the point that there was really no separation between any of us. My sense of group unity was reassured that Alice had found her tail, as this seemed to me to preserve our cohesiveness.
“Yeah. We’re the tail people! We all have tails here! And if you don’t have a tail, I don’t know where you came from!” I said excitedly, waving my hands around.
“I feel like I’m getting inside of Hypersphere’s head right now.” Alice said.
“Now, what does it feel like to press into your eyeballs?” I ask, moving on to the next obvious topic.
“To press into my eyeballs?” Alice sounded confused.
“Just do it. Just press into your eyeballs… Are you pressing into your fucking eyeballs yet?” I commanded.
“Tell us what it feels like.”
“It feels… well, kind of squishy. My hands are still moist.”
“Squishy? You’re hands are moist?”
“Yes, I was in the bathroom, and I was running my hands through the water, you know, because it felt neat.”
At this point, Goopstar ran outside and came back in, handing me something.
“What’s this?? Snow! Snow’s awesome.” I felt a strong desire to eat some of the snow. It had a crunchy texture and was cooling in my mouth. “Does anyone else want to eat the snow?” Goopstar told me after the trip that him handing me the snow was an attempt to get me out of my mind, to stop me from analyzing everything and get me to focus on some physical sensation instead.
No one wanted to eat the snow. “Come on, guys, I know you want to eat the snow. Because it’s water, and its melting because that’s what water is, it’s beautiful and we love water. Water loves us! But water doesn’t even exist!” By now I was really diving deep, into a space that, upon sober reflection after the experience, was rather delusional. I was totally convinced, that before the trip ended, everyone would have to eat the snow. Otherwise our group unity would be shattered. I knew with absolute certainty they would all eat the snow eventually.
“Come on guys, hurry up and eat the fucking snow! It’s melting, and I’m going to eat some more of it right now (*crunch crunch*) so if you want to eat the snow, you’d better hurry up and eat the fucking snow!” Still no takers.
“What is snow?” asked Cory.
“Snow doesn’t even exist.” I said.
“What is existence?”
“Existence doesn’t exist either! There is no existence!” I became fascinated with the duality of existence/non-existence. I realized that everything exists and does not exist, simultaneously. This was all very reminiscent of DMT. I realized that life is this amazing gift, that nothing really matters but that everything matters. Everything is an illusion and nothing really exists, so it doesn’t actually matter what happens in this illusory world. Whatever happens, is perfect. And yet, at the same time I can feel my existence. My existence feels real, and I am having this experience of being alive. That experience, the experience of living, and existing, is really quite a profound gift. In fact, it’s the greatest gift ever! I get to be alive, and experiencing and being with these people who love me and who I love back, and we are all water, because water is love too. No matter what happens, I knew that everything was okay, everything was perfect exactly the way it is. Existing and not existing at the same time.
“I exist, therefore I am. I feel the strength of my own existence, and it’s beautiful because we all exist together and love one another, and we are all water! Can we all agree that we exist?” I asked. I was filled with such joy, such love.
“I love you, Hypersphere!” Alice said.
“And I love you Alice!” Going around the circle naming people, “And I love you Miel, and I love you Goopstar, and I love you Cory. I love you Cass (Alice’s lover, not present).” And I named the other three people in the house who weren’t tripping, “I love you Monkey, I love you Cado, I love you Marshian!”
“Actually, I don’t think that I exist.” Said Cory. I was shocked. I mean, we all have tails, and we all exist, right? That’s part of our unity, right? I couldn’t understand how Cory could deny his own existence.
“But Cory, I’m pretty sure you exist, because I remember you existing. You exist, Cory, you can’t escape it. And I know that eventually you will come down, and be forced to recognize that you exist.”
“No, I’m pretty sure I don’t exist,” he insisted.
“YOU CAN’T ESCAPE, CORY! ALICE HAS A TAIL, AND YOU EXIST! THAT’S JUST THE WAY THINGS ARE!” I was shouting these words.
“But Hypersphere!” Alice said, and brought my attention back to the fact there were three other people in the house, who might be trying to sleep and my shouting might be disturbing them.
“Thanks, for bringing me back to awareness of the others in this house. Thank you all, for existing, and not-existing with me, and having this experience. I mean, it’s really quite profound, don’t you think? But as we exist and not-exist simultaneously, we can do so very quietly. In fact, we can be totally silent if we want…” I finished on a whisper.
Then I remembered, “You guys, the snows still melting. It’s somewhere around here on the ground, here it is. It’s still melting, because it’s water, and it’s beautiful. And I’m going to eat some more of it, so if you want to eat the snow, you’d better get on it!”
At this point I started having the really interesting delusion that the force of our experience was so powerful, that it was locking other people into our trip. I became convinced that the other three people in the house, Monkey, Cado and Marshian, were all experiencing the exact same thing as I was. I imagined them, shocked at first to find themselves tripping balls without having taken any drugs at all. I imagined them all lying down in silent darkness to witness our journey. I thought that the other trippers in the room with me were likewise experiencing the same thing as me, having the exact same revelations within themselves.
I was convinced I was having “The Experience.” The ultimate psychedelic trip, the trip to end all trips. I thought that when I came down, I would be able to write this trip down in such a way, that anyone who read it would literally be able to get inside my head, to relive this experience exactly and in its entirety. I thought that they would not only be able to experience it from my point of view, but simultaneously from the points of view of everyone who had ingested the mushrooms tonight. WOW. The Experience. I never thought I’d have The Experience.
I thought of writing it down, and warning people to set themselves up to be completely undisturbed and near a comfortable bed for five hours, before reading my report. I thought they would all get high as they read it, and have the exact same experience, without needing to do any drugs. And that was really cool to me, that people could have this experience without needing to do drugs. I thought it would spark in them the realization that they, too, exist and do not exist simultaneously, and that life is an extraordinary gift. The best gift of all actually because it means we get to experience being alive, being in love, being all together in water and in unity, even if its all illusion.
I thought I could write it down, and then give it to my tripping companions to edit before posting, and everything would be perfect. My memory recall would be flawless, I’d get three stars from Erowid, and I’d give props to all my buddies on the Lycaeum. I planned on posting this as widely across the internet as possible, so that as many people as possible could have this experience and the insights I was having.
It made me realize there is no need for fear, ever, because after all it’s only an experience. Whatever happens, it’s ultimately okay. I thought it wouldn’t matter if I used our real names in the report or not, since there was no need for fear there was no need to hide, either. I thought I could tell my parents about The Experience, and get them to read it and relive it through my senses, warning them in advance of course about the heavy nature of the trip. A lot of this I said out loud at points, but fragmented, scattered. In retrospect, I don’t think the others were actually on the same page as me, and in many ways were simply humoring my ranting and raving. But at the time, it seemed to me we were all on the same page, all in agreement, all having The Experience together.
Cory asked if it really mattered to communicate the experience to others. At first I said it didn’t really matter, but then came back to the conviction that indeed it did matter. If this experience could make people realize the divine gift we call existence, simply being alive and experiencing, then I thought it would do the world a lot of good. Maybe some people wouldn’t be ready to have this kind of experience, but for those who were ready, it would give a profound sense of gratitude simply for being. Faith that there is no need to fear, and everything is okay.
Oh yeah, “The snow’s still melting, guys. I know you want to eat the snow.” I think what was going on here, with my insistence that everyone had to eat the snow, was a feeling of inevitability. I was certain that they really HAD to eat the snow, or the trip would never end. The trip couldn’t end until they ate the snow. I was making a similar mistake as Kirkegaarde makes, when he conceives of God as a being perfect in all ways, including existence. Therefore God exists. The mistake I was making was confusing existence in thought with that thing actually happening in reality. Simply thinking about something is not the same as that thing actually happening, but with such logic circuits blown or rerouted, I recurrently experienced thoughts that I felt must inevitably happen simply because I had thought of them.
Now my memory becomes even more fuzzy. The trip had been slipping sideways on me for a while now, entering really mystical ++++ territory, but now I was drawing close to the darker parts of the trip.
“Hey Hypersphere, you want to have a bath?”Goopstar asked.
“A bath? Sure, that would be great!” I say enthusiastically, for as soon as Goopstar had mentioned the bath, I realized it was inevitable that I was going to have a bath. There was no escape. He left the room to go run it, I could hear the water running in the distance. This was another attempt on Goopstar’s part to get me out of my mind and into my body.
I had a thought of making love with Miel right now, in the presence of all these people because that didn’t even matter anymore, it was simply beautiful, just love. I told her I was going to make love to her now. She said “Okay,” but in a quiet, slightly scared voice. I kissed her breast, and then bit her, sucking her flesh into my mouth. But then I realized that the bath was still running…
“Actually, I realized I’m not going to make love with you right now, because Goopstar is still running my bath.” Miel would have to wait until later, though again I felt it was inevitable. I would have my bath, and make love with Miel, and everyone would have to eat the snow, and Cory would have to decide he existed, before the trip ended.
Cory or Goopstar noted that the altar was looking disharmonious and in need of being rearranged. “Where are my glasses?” I asked, as I put my hand down, squashing them. “I’m really calling in nothing happening to my glasses, that they remain safe here!” Although, I realized that glasses didn’t actually exist, and that ultimately whatever happened to them, didn’t really matter. They were indestructible in their existence/non-existence.
I took off my shirt and sweater, and now fully naked (since my pants and socks had been off for awhile), made my way to the bathroom. My mind was still rushing with the implications of this breakthrough state of consciousness, as I slipped into the warm waters.
I felt almost like I needed to puke, and I mentioned this. Miel suggested I just puke in the bath tub, and we would wash it all down. Alice suggested I just puke over the side of the tub. I insisted I would rather puke in the toilet, like any sane individual would. I got up, thinking I was going to puke, but the sensation went away. Again, I felt the inevitability. I would have to puke, and finish my bath, and make love to Miel, and everyone else would have to eat the snow, and Cory would have to acknowledge his existence, before the trip could end. I laid back down in the bath, happy that for the moment at least, I didn’t have to puke.
“The Experience, Alice! I never thought I’d have the experience! And the really cool thing about this experience, is anybody can have this experience, and they don’t even need to do drugs!” She smiled, and nodded at me encouragingly. As I lay in the waters, Goopstar came and played the didgeridoo over my body. I submersed myself almost all the way, hearing the tones come through the water. Again I was flushed with the knowledge that whatever happened, it was perfect. I thought to myself, that even if I turned over and drowned myself in the bathtub right now, that would be perfect. I too, was indestructible in my existence/non-existence.
My friends were about to leave the bathroom, when I started to roll over and enthusiastically asked, “Hey guys, you want to watch me drown myself in the bath tub?”
Their reactions of shock were almost comical, though I could distantly empathize with their feelings. “Hypersphere, sweety, are you okay?” Alice was by my side immediately, and placing her hand over my heart, she said, “Can you feel your heart beating right now?”
I felt my heart beating. “Yes, yes I can feel it.” Goopstar pulled the plug and let out most of the water.
Now, this begs the question. Would I really have drowned myself in the bathtub? I don’t think so. Having the thought of drowning myself in the bathtub and actually doing it are two very different things. Although I thought I might just stay under water until dead, feeling my soul separate from my body, I don’t think I could have actually gone through with it. I feel I was very well looked after, by forces both seen and unseen, during this trip, and that I was simply undergoing a symbolic death/rebirth experience. I think had I actually stuck my head under water, that some more primitive survival circuitry would have taken over and moved me out of the water. And my friends certainly wouldn’t let me drown either.
“Can I kiss you, Alice?” I now asked, just loving her so much.
“No Hypersphere, I’m not feeling kissing right now,” she said, looking away and down.
“That’s fine. In fact, it’s perfect. It’s perfect just laying here with your hand on my heart. This is the coolest trip ever!” I said.
“Are you cold?” She asked.
“No, I’m pretty good. Actually, I do feel a little cold!”
“There’s a draft coming through the door.”
I decided I was complete with my bath, and got out to towel off before going back to the round room.
When I got there, I realized the snow was still melting and reminded Cory and Goopstar they still had to eat it. Miel had gone to have some woman time with Alice, they stayed in the bathroom. Instead of eating the snow, Goopstar took the remaining chunk and threw it back outside. This was quite a revelation for me. My mind was beginning to integrate a little, starting the descent back into ordinary consciousness. I realized that no one had to eat the snow the whole time. The sense of the inevitability of events began to shatter. I realized that I probably wasn’t going to make love to Miel before the trip ended, either. This had been a very powerful experience, and after my comments about drowning myself in the bathtub, I figured there would be a need for some integration and processing.
Then I realized I still had to puke. Soon after, I had an “Oh Shit!” moment, of realizing I still had to drown myself in the bathtub. I told Cory to rearrange the altar, for my funeral. A moment later, my mind straightened itself out a bit. Fear came back into me. I didn’t want to die.
“Actually, I’m going to choose not to drown myself in the bathtub.”
“That’s a smart idea,” agreed Cory. “I would be sad to loose a good friend, and it would be very traumatizing, especially in this state of consciousness.”
“I’m going to choose not to puke, either.” I said, with relief.
“Well, you can puke if you want to,” Cory said, “it can be a very cleansing experience, and you usually get really high afterwards.”
“Totally. But the puking itself isn’t that pleasant.”
“No, it sure isn’t.”
I excused myself to go down the hall, and reassure Miel and Alice that I wasn’t going to drown myself in the bathtub. They took the news in stride. “You happy?” I asked, “Of course you’re happy! I’m going to go out of the bathroom now, though, it’s a little weird for me…”
“Yeah,” said Alice, “total women’s space right now, hey?” It seemed they were on a totally different wavelength than me. I left, and even before reaching the round room heard them talking and giggling contentedly.
By now, I felt I was really coming back into a grounded state of consciousness. The bizarre delusions I had experienced during the peak experience had lost their sense of meaning and inevitability. I found myself now feeling kind of scared and anxious. I was scared at the possibility I could actually have drowned myself in the bathtub. I was scared that I had gone so far out that drowning myself in the bathtub seemed like a great idea.
I crouched on the floor in child’s pose and sobbed a little bit. I felt so much shame, in myself and my actions this evening. I felt I had become a danger to myself, and that is the surest sign of going too far, if I become a danger to myself or others. I felt ashamed of my ranting and raving all night (I am normally a very quiet tripper), ashamed that everyone else just had to listen to me rant. Ashamed of potentially disturbing other members of the household. I felt I had gone a little crazy this evening, and it’s never an easy feeling when you come face-to-face with the potential of your own insanity.
Cory told me an old aphorism, of life being a well. Sorrow is the shovel that digs the well, and happiness is the water that fills it. Given this, would you really want a shallow well? This resonated with me, that sorrow and joy are really opposite sides of the same coin, and that the greater our ability to experience one dimension, the greater also our ability to experience the other. We talked a little about how sometimes psychiatrist drugs just level us out, taking away the sorrowful lows but taking away the blissful peaks also. I have said before, and I will say again, I would rather live a life of peaks and valleys than an existence flattened out.
I became very silent and internal for awhile, beating myself up and feeling a little dead inside. The wonderous realizations of life being an amazing gift we should be grateful for I questioned too, by association of having them along with my delusional thoughts. I was now feeling very alone. Before, I felt like everyone was on the same page as me, but now I felt that there was nobody who truly understood me.
I felt the need for some feminine comfort, and went to search for Miel and Alice, finding them cuddling naked up in Goopstar’s room, called “the aquarium” due to its blue-washed walls and the dolphin painted on the wall. I climbed into bed with them, still feeling a little dead inside and anxious, just to cuddle. Cory and Goopstar came up after a while. They went outside to burn this old mask of Cory’s, the head of a jackal, guardians of the gates to the underworld. This symbolically completed their own death phases of the trip. They came back in, talking about how they wanted to kill a rabbit, and asking Alice if they brought in a fresh rabbit, would she eat the liver?”
“Go!” She said, “Go men, and kill a rabbit! Where is he?”
“Out in the forest.” Replied Cory.
We were all tired, and went to bed instead. Sleep mercifully covered me, and I remember no dreams. In the light of morning, the trip no longer seemed so scary. Clearly death had been a recurrent theme, we had invoked dying right from the start and everyone commented on the death/rebirth quality to their individual trips. I realized how ultimately foolish it was to think I could try and convey this experience in a way that anyone else could get inside my head. All I have are these words, so there you go. I hope you have enjoyed this pale ghost of my experience. A lot of what I thought about the beautiful gift that is life, that is experience, still resonates with me in a sober state of consciousness. That’s the main thing I brought back from this trip. It also helped me integrated some of the more fearful moments I have had under the influence of DMT. Realizing that there is no need to fear, that everything is perfect exactly the way it is, still echoes powerfully in my consciousness.
On the whole this was a very positive experience, despite its rough moments, and it has left me feeling profoundly grateful for my chance to live and experience, even the normal everyday stuff. Life is a gift, remember that. All in all, this experience was a lot like a five hour DMT breakthrough.
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Experience Reports are the writings and opinions of the individual authors who submit them.
Some of the activities described are dangerous and/or illegal and none are recommended by Erowid Center.