Citation: yang. "Moomintroll and the Riddle of Existence: An Experience with 4-HO-MET (exp90155)". Erowid.org. May 2, 2011. erowid.org/exp/90155
I had considerable experience with psychedelics including many previous trips with 4-HO-MET. The doses I was accustomed were fairly big if not excessive, usually it was around 40mg be it 2C-I, 2C-E or 4-HO-MET or anything. They were big doses but I was young and smaller doses just didn't cut it, I needed a lot to achieve escape velocity, so to speak. But this time was right after christmas, I'd be going to my cousin's house where I hadn't been much since my childhood and I wanted to try something special, so I ended up taking 60mg of HOMET orally.
I can't remember everything that happened, but it was definitely special and it changed everything. After that experience even smaller doses were enough and my drive for psychedelics diminished considerably.
The house was empty except for a dog, me, my cousin and some friends. We also had a small amount of weed, which we were saving for later. Everyone took their doses, theirs slightly smaller than mine, and we waited for the come-up. I sat on a rocking chair, just looking at the roof as patterns started to slowly form in it and everything was going fine until at one point I looked at my hand. I saw that the hand was shrinking, as if I was getting younger by the second and I committed what I regard as a huge mistake, I thought that if I kept looking I would just keep shrinking until I no longer existed and so I panicked and looked away. And from that moment on the dominating theme of the trip came to be fear.
I felt uncomfortable during the come-up and kept comparing my current state to the me of just some hours ago. He seemed very distant, part of a completely different world, a world dominated by boredom and always going from A to B. His world was filtered down to a very narrow view, he'd only see the 'important' objects in a room and missing all the detail in between. I resented him for not being able to comprehend the seriousness of these chemicals, of being unable to truly remember what happens during a trip, how easily and by how much everything can change.
After some time of wrestling with these thoughts the come-up had passed and my friends were passing the bong around and had decided to go for a cigarette after and I decided to do the same. I was somewhat out of synchrony, though. I got up from my chair, went to take a hit from the bong and passed it and was waiting for them to get ready to get up and go for the cigarette, but it felt like such a long time that at some point I just decided to go wait in my chair, but as soon as I managed to sit down I saw all of my friends standing and looking at me asking 'Are you coming or not?'.
The room we were in was upstairs and while we were walking down the stairs the THC hit me, or a combination of the THC and the fact that I was in a place where I had not been often since my childhood. Ineffable memories flooded my mind, not memories of anything specific but memories of dream-like feelings and childish frameworks of thought, modes by which I used to explain the world as a child. By the time we were at the bottom of the staircase I was already convinced that I had found proof that I wasn't real and that this was all just a dream of one of my friends.
I don't remember much particulars after that but I kept calm and the evening progressed as normally as it can under 60mg of HOMET. The next thing I can remember is from when I was lying on a bed back in the room, feeling distressed and thinking that there is some problem here. I turned my head around from side to side, pondering the problem until I suddenly felt like I knew the source of the problem: it was me. Everything else in the world kept changing but I was stuck to this perspective, I was the only constant. I had to get rid of me, I thought, this must be the ego-death I've heard often mentioned. It seemed obvious to me then, it was all me, all the suffering in the world was there because of me and everyone was just waiting for me to let go. This distressed me tremendously, I didn't want to ego-die, I thought I was fine being me and besides, I'd eventually die anyways so why the hurry? While struggling with this my friends' chatter and the music was becoming too confusing and annoying for me to handle and so I decided to get up and walk downstairs. While descending on the stairs I kept thinking that I'll just live without bothering anyone, observing the world from afar and making other such excuses for the world in my head.
It was silent downstairs and I calmed down. I felt very child-like in my woolen socks, went to get myself a cup of blueberry soup and a sandwhich from the kitchen and sat down in the living room deciding to just relax a bit in the quiet with the old dog laying on the floor. At some point I noticed a book on the table, it was as if it was placed there for me to find and I went to look at it. The title was 'Moomintroll and the riddle of existence', I was intrigued, it was a philosophical analysis of Tove Jansson's Moomin world, so I started reading it.
I was still tripping so reading it was hard, I'd read a paragraph, read it again and the submerse into my thoughts for a while until waking up to the book and continuing from the next paragraph. However, I saw associations with what was written in the book and with what I had just experienced so I kept reading. Every now and then my friends would come by to check on me but I decided to stay downstairs reading the book, I was determined, I had a goal now and the goal was reading that book.
It was very late into the night when I finally finished the some 200 page book and only after-effects of the HOMET were remaining. My friends too were getting ready to sleep so I decided that it would be a good time for the day to be over and went to sleep.
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