Citation: Scissors. "Powerful: An Experience with 5-MeO-DMT (exp90018)". Erowid.org. Aug 4, 2011. erowid.org/exp/90018
The dose described in this report is very high, potentially beyond Erowid's 'heavy' range, and could pose serious health risks or result in unwanted, extreme effects. Sometimes extremely high doses reported are errors rather than actual doses used.]
||(powder / crystals)
I have never smoked drugs before, so I need some instruction from my sitters. I am told to inhale slowly and steadily, and to take two breaths, and to lay down on the bed I was sitting on when I feel like it.
I have been resistant to mind-expanding drugs in the past, and I have had some benefit from inhaling nitrous oxide to trigger the primary drug, so I prepare a pair of nitrous chargers, should the effect of the 5-MeO be too mild or slow in coming on. My sitters, experienced with this substance, are amused at my concerns, but perfectly agreeable to my preparations.
I inhale the substance as Sitter #1 holds a lighter under the pipe, and draw long and slow, as suggested, perhaps over 10-15 seconds. I was concerned that it would be hot or smoky, but it feels relatively clean and cool. I am not sure whether to hold my breath afterward, so I hold it for five seconds or so, then start to ask my sitters whether that was enough. My attempt to speak proves more challenging than I expect, and my vision begins to blur.
I know that I am higher than I had ever been. Very, very intense.
The exhalation has an unpleasant flavor I hadn't noticed on the inhale, but nothing to be concerned about. My sitters encourage me to take the second draw from the pipe, and I am still able to perceive it and follow their instructions, so I inhale again, long and slow. I probably close my eyes, because the visual blurring is quite confusing. About two thirds of the way through that inhalation, I become concerned that perhaps I am ingesting too much, and that restraint might be called for. I stop sucking the pipe, finish my breath with clean air, and lay down on the bed.
At least, that must be what happens.
As I said, I was already extremely affected by the drug before the second inhalation, and I stopped smoking because I was nervous. I am nervous because very, very big things are happening very, very fast.
Ho. Ly. Shit.
I love rollercoasters, and skydiving, and intense, terrifying rushes. That's good, because the intensity and terror of this rush is much greater than any I have ever experienced. It is so much greater than my experience or expectation that I attempt to verbalize my concern that things are going awry. My sitters reassure me that everything is OK, this is normal, and that I have nothing to worry about. I do not hear or understand their words, and I am not sure my words came out. I am not sure they spoke at all. Such a concept is incomprehensible, since neither they, nor I, actually exist in any meaningful sense. Nevertheless, I somehow absorb their reassurances, and I back down from the rising panic and accept the experience, trying to go with the flow.
I am one with the universe, experiencing simultaneous rapid expansion and contraction. There are no visuals or sounds, no tastes or smells or touch, because there is no body to experience these senses. There is no Me to experience my body. There is a sense of hugeness and velocity, and an eternity of time in which absolutely nothing is happening -- but it's happening at panic inducing speed.
Things are happening too quickly for my taste, so I (?) attempt to get a grip on myself, to slow things down and assess the situation. This attempt to reduce velocity is completely worthless. I have absolutely no control over this experience or my(?)self. Again I attempt to express unease verbally, and I am unsure of my success, but again I receive reassurance from the part of my(?)self that is sitter #2. I can't hear or understand her words, but I know that she/I(?) is calm and confident, and that helps me to stay on the side of the line that is fright and thrill, and not on the other side, on which lies panic and terror and madness.
I try to relax into it. The experience is unrelenting. Time goes on, and on, and on, and I cannot make it stop. I slowly come to the realization that it is entirely possible that this will never, ever stop, and this state may well be something I(?) just have to get used to. I do not remember what my life before the eternal now was like, but I do know that the intense nowness is not something I am prepared for. If this is how things are going to be, I am going to have to make serious changes to my lifestyle. But adjust I must, because if this is how things are going to be, then this is how things are going to be. I may as well accept it.
The world as I knew it is gone forever, and eternal rocketing universality is all I can expect for the backward and forward in time that is everything.
There is no thought. There is no time. There is no world. There is only All.
Nothing changes. Ever.
And then there are hints of the World returning. I(!) reach out with my(!) hands and pull Sitter #2 to my body, pressing my(!) face into her neck, willing myself to slide my soul into her body, since I know she is in the World, where I would like to be again. She is a lifeline, a beacon, a landmark for me to find my way back. My gratitude for her being there as my guide is overwhelming. As my sense of Me returns, I feel embarrassed at my attempts to become one with her and piggyback on her attachment to reality, and I relax my death/life grip, though I still hold her tightly, grateful at her physicality, and her reassurance, and her support.
I imprint on her like a duckling fresh from an egg.
I am back. There are conversations. 'How do you feel?' I am enormously relieved to be back in the world, perceiving sounds, and sights, and holding a wonderful human who has rescued me from the Eternal. I open my mouth to explain what I have experienced, but there are no words. I slowly shake my head and open my mouth like a drowning fish, willing something meaningful to communicate.
'It was Big.' I know they can hear the capital B. 'And Fast. It was Big and Fast.' My heart is beating, I am breathing, and these are good, excellent things, demonstrating that I am Here.
'Would you like that nitrous now?' Sitter 1 asks with a laugh.
This is hysterically funny. But no, not funny at all. No. No, I do not. My mind has been rattled around inside my head quite ferociously, and what I need now is to let all the marbles find their way back to their slots.
Reality is totally incredibly awesome, and I am grateful and relieved that I get to go back.
We converse, discussing the experience. I have no words to describe what happened, but they've done it before, and we share a memory without words.
I am told that the entire experience lasted about five minutes. On the one hand, I was attempting to communicate more or less nonstop, and I had only said two or three things ('I am frightened.'), so the time was brief. On the other hand, it was Forever. If they told me it was fifteen seconds or four hours, I would have to take their word for it. (If they said two weeks, I'd need explanations for how my physical needs had been taken care of.)
I thanked my hosts profusely for the enormous experience, and assured them that while I was deeply terrified, this was in no way unpleasant.
I am thankful that the situation was set up such that there was nothing to worry about, and when I got to the line between terror and panic, I could stay on the side that made the experience -- I am hesitant to say 'pleasant,' but something like that. I could have crossed that line into panic and The Bad Place, but their reassurances and caretaking made sure that didn't happen.
Recovery was easy. My body felt fine. I was able to sit up, drink water, talk. I took it easy for a few minutes before attempting to sit up, and relaxed on the bed for an hour or more. Talked about the experience for a while, though I had no context for what had happened. Got a good night's sleep.
From time to time over the next couple of days, I would recall that sense of rushing enormitude, and I'd become anxious that I was going to leave the world again, but only a little.
It's going to take me a while to absorb the experience. I am extraordinarily glad I did it, and I wholeheartedly do _NOT_ recommend this drug to those looking for a fun experience. I am not easily frightened, nor taken to despair. Those who are should avoid this. Doing it without competent and soothing sitters would be Bad.
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