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The Death Of Ego-A Life Of Id
Mushrooms - P. cubensis
by crystalship
Citation:   crystalship. "The Death Of Ego-A Life Of Id: An Experience with Mushrooms - P. cubensis (exp89916)". Erowid.org. Jul 7, 2012. erowid.org/exp/89916

 
DOSE:
.1.5 g oral Mushrooms - P. cubensis (dried)

BODY WEIGHT: 155 lb


The first psychedelic substance I ever ingested was around 1-2 grams of typical cow pasture-grown, orange-capped psilocybin mushrooms, dried. The setting was an early June evening, nice weather, in the company of my two brothers and a couple of friends.

We ate them fairly early. I remember them taking a very long time to breakdown and for the psilocybin to enter my bloodstream. Finally, they kicked in after over an hour of waiting, and we were all giddy with excitement. For a few minutes we stared at a computer screensaver (the stars-flying-by screensaver). I remember listening to a Smashing Pumpkins song, 'Rocket', which is a happy, heavy psychedelic rock song, and I thought it sounded more exciting and stimulating than it had before.

The ceiling light in my kitchen went from earlier being of a typical white-yellow luminescence to a weird orange glow. Outside, the early summer evening had a deep purple aura instead of the typical deep navy blue night sky. We went down the street, to an empty roller hockey rink, and lied down in the middle, staring at a few loose clouds. Surprisingly, this wasn't very stimulating; it was as though we wanted to see shapes, but we were seeing just clouds drifting, contorting ever so slightly.

Back at my house, we had settled in a little. The front door faced a great willow tree directly across the street (the tree has since been cut down completely after being slowly destroyed over the years due to wind and storms). A street lamp dimly lit the tree, giving it a silhouetted look, but it's form could still be distinguished in the darkness. I happened to stand in the door and gaze at the tree, and witnessed a wild hallucination. The willows and branches hanging from the tree became a swirling, clockwise mass, rotating in a circular form. Then it seemed as though a few willows were snakes, snaking faster through the dark swirl, and disappearing, then reappearing. It was truly amazing, something I can never forget.

After maybe ten minutes or more of observing this, I stepped away from the door, coming to my senses just a little. I can't remember much after this. I ended up at some point on my living room couch, and suddenly started freaking out. I might have tried to fall asleep. I thought I was being attacked by big bumblebees (the large, furry ones). I could hear them buzzing and felt their presence, and even started swatting them. Of course, there were not any bees in my house. My psilocybin-filled mind had started playing games with me. Fear had certainly set in.

I tried going to my bedroom and sleeping in my bed, and was thwarted by paranoia and fear. I felt nauseated and had heartburn from the pizza and Doritos I had eaten earlier. I thought I would get sick. My memory at this point gets fuzzy. I know for sure that around between 2 and 3 am my mother had returned home with my aunt after they had gone out for the night. My mother isn't the partying type, so she volunteered to be my aunt's designated driver. Anyhow, I told my mother that I wasn't feeling good, and she sat with me in the living room. It was a humbling experience. We talked for a little while. I was still tripping, but not as intensely as I had been hours earlier.

Eventually, I admitted to my mother that I had eaten mushrooms, and described to her what I had felt. It was a warm and assuring experience being comforted by my mother, me being a scared 18-year old just out of high school, experiencing ego death without really knowing it at the time. And she was completely calm and radiant, asking me if what I ate was 'magic mushrooms.' After a couple of hours of staying up very late, after daybreak with her, I called my workplace and called out sick. Then I went to sleep.

It wasn't until later on, maybe a few years, when I realized that I had let go of my ego and really allowed my id to dominate my conscience. I was seemingly born with a lack of a dominant ego. I wasn't ever forceful, in charge, or in control of anyone or anything. I was more introverted but would talk to anyone if they wanted to talk to me. Interestingly, after this first psychedelic experience, opening my id up completely opened up my world, and allowed me to be more social and outgoing.

Exp Year: 1996ExpID: 89916
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 18 
Published: Jul 7, 2012Views: 4,638
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Mushrooms - P. cubensis (66) : Various (28), Families (41), First Times (2)

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