Citation: Alex. "Demon Woman: An Experience with LSD (exp88866)". Erowid.org. Mar 11, 2011. erowid.org/exp/88866
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WARNING: This is VERY long. But hopefully worth your while!
On August 30th 2009 I had the trip of a lifetime. I’ll start from the beginning…
Also, this is a pretty long story I realize, so I hope you’ll bear with me. I think anybody may find it interesting and hopefully valuable. Especially if you have had a very significant experience with LSD or other psychedelics.
It was a Sunday evening, around 5pm when I was with my friend and his girlfriend who I have, in the past, experimented with psychedelics with. We were at the park, and I told them that tonight I was going to do the LSD that I had purchased about a week ago from a friend. This was a week before I would fly out to spend a year studying abroad in Germany. It was about 5pm and I took 1 and a half of the blotter sheets. I look back now, and wish I had known more about the source of LSD, because I am not sure what was with this LSD, all I know is that two of my other friends had done sheets from this same batch and had had terrible, yet enlightening trips. So I took the 1.5 sheets and I told them I wanted to go back to the girl’s house and watch a movie to start it all off right. We sat around in my friend’s girlfriend’s room, talking, not feeling the high yet, I decided to go ahead and ingest the other 1.5 sheets. So that is 3 blotter sheets.
Me, being a daring but foolish lad, suggested we watch The Ring, as I thought this would be cool and scary, but hopefully not scary enough to give me really bad vibes. During the first scene of the film, two girls are talking and one of them looks scary. Well my mind started wondering, I could tell I was starting to enter that sort of dream-like state, and immediately I started fantasizing about the Ring Girl actually coming out of the TV like she does in the movie. Logic told me otherwise, but this certainly put a damper on my mood. The girl, who looked a little bit scary in the movie in the first scene, suddenly became extremely frightening to me and I looked at my friends and begged for them to turn the film off. They of course, complied, being good friends.
At this point I was certainly feeling euphoric and ready for a long night. I decided I wanted to get back into the swing of things, make my setting better, and put on the Pokemon first season DVD. I knew this would be harmless and fun, hopefully bringing back up my mood. The cartoon was blurry and strange, certainly nothing like what I had ever seen before. I could distinctly tell the flaws in the animation, and still felt anxious during the entire viewing.
I really will not be able to do much documenting of time, as this was over a year and a half ago, and time was distorted pretty righteously during this entire trip. It was after the episode, so it was probably about two hours since I took the first hit and a half. We were sitting in the room, and suddenly I felt like my friends were conspiring against me. They left the room and came back, and every time they laughed or said anything, I was sure it was directed towards me. I felt that I was the center of attention, and of course they (from my sober minds memory) were alarmed by my apparent anxiety and delirium. I didn’t mention it, but I didn’t feel too comfortable around them. So I suggested we go back to the park. They agreed, so we did.
We went back to the same park from earlier. At this point I wasn’t feeling too bad, as I was walking through the park I had a keen awareness of everything around me and took a walk alone. The grass was blowing in the wind, it was very whimsical. I felt like I was in a fantasy world, everything seemed so magical. I have no idea how long we were there, as this is the most distorted part of the night, but at some point we got in my friend’s car and left. I don’t think we were there for more than an hour.
As we were driving around the city, my friends were trying to think of somewhere to go, as they too had technically committed (selfish of me) to ‘entertaining’ me for the night. As we were driving I started to go into full blown panic attack mode. Chest tightness, fear, anxiety, racing mind, everything. I was immensely uncomfortable, sweaty, but I wasn’t too alarmed, yet. I had done ecstasy before and felt like this, so I figured it was just a small thing that would pass in time. As we were driving, I felt as if the car was a chariot of fire racing across the town. Every swerve, change of lane, speed up or slow down, I felt like I was on an amusement park ride. If I was nauseas, I don’t recall, but I certainly felt like I should have been.
Around, what I’d guess was ten o clock we got a phone call from a friend of mine who is pretty well versed in the world of psychedelics. I knew I could talk to him, and my friends knew I was feeling pretty bad and that I was not having a very positive trip. We picked up my friend from his girlfriends house, and now it was the four of us. He got in, and the first thing I told him was ‘Dude, I am having a crazy trip man. I’m on LSD.’ He laughed and started talking about how I should be approaching it and then went on to talk about what he had been doing that night. Of course my selfishness came out, and I was a bit annoyed that he wasn’t focused on me, and my trip. I then told him I was having a really bad trip, and that I had some bad anxiety. So he tried to coach me a bit, give some words of advice; Nothing I hadn’t heard before, nothing that seemed to help, at least not in that mind state.
We went to a gas station, and as he lost his driver’s license he couldn’t purchase cigarettes. So my friend asked me if I would purchase them. I told him there is no way in bloody hell I was going to go in some lit up gas station and try and do any exchange with money. He asked me, and through my realizing earlier that I was being self centered, I decided a good deed would be good for my vibes, so I agreed. He handed me cash, I went in, and of course had an extremely difficult time ordering cigarettes from the man behind the counter. Everything was extremely bright, and the man seemed to only have foul intentions. I handed him the crumpled, sweaty money, took the change, and booked it out of there.
I gave my friend the cigarettes and he was very thankful, making me feel good. We got back in the car, I’d say it was around 11 getting near midnight. We may have made a stop at a store, but unfortunately once again, this was a very cartoonish and surreal part of my night where little is recalled in its entirety. As we were driving, my friend had to drive his girlfriend home. She was on the phone with her mother and I was in the back muttering and probably being somewhat hysterical. She told her mom ‘everything is alright...’ ‘No, he’s fine’ and a few other things that made me sure that her mother had heard me and probably knew I was on some sort of drug. This terrified me, and made me think the attention was all on me again, my worst fear. I ask her to this day, and she still tells me that her mother was not talking about me. I was sure she was, even in my sober recollection.
Anyways, we drop her off and I am full on panicking. No memory really of this, but I do remember being fidgety and not comfortable in the car whatsoever. So at this point it is me and my two friends, and the ‘psychedelic guru’ friend wanted to go ahead and go back to his place. I don’t know what it was, but I had a small wave of comfort. Perhaps it was the light mood and banter the three of us were having in the car. It was an actually fairly long to drive to the other friends house on the freeway, so we had time to ‘bond’. On the freeway there was construction that held us up, to the point that it looked like we would have to get off the freeway. This brought out the panic again, as I was sure it was a universal supernatural happening (which would be a theme for the rest of the night) and I was doomed. We drove through the construction though and everything was fine. There were some strange lights on the construction vehicles, and I joked that they looked like space ships (milking the fact that I was on drugs) and my friend joked that he saw little aliens running around in the fields. So of course I looked, knowing that it was a joke and they were trying to mess with me. No, I didn’t see aliens, but once again the grass looked whimsical on the side of the freeway and I got another small surge of peace.
When we got to my friend’s house, he suggested we stay for a while. This was the last thing I wanted to do, as I wanted peace, and his place was always a party haven. I told my other friend (who I started the night with) that this was the last thing I wanted to do, over and over. He of course tried to calm me and promise we wouldn’t stay long. I remember just dreading going in that house, because that was a place I associated with this sort of psychedelics adventure, and at this point, I wanted nothing else than to be sober and not tripping, as I now associated tripping with negative things (and unfortunately still do to this day…we’ll get into that soon).
We went into the house, and there were a few other guys. My friend told them I was having a bad trip, and they laughed, though probably not actually at me, I just thought they were. We sat around, they were drinking, I was extremely uncomfortable, and they actually kept asking me if I was ok, over and over. So I clearly was showing something. I thought I had been hiding it well though… They then suggested I smoke some pot. I said no, but my friend who seems to know his stuff kept insisting so finally I did. I took, maybe two hits from a pipe.
We sat around for a while longer, and then the bad vibes really hit me when one of the guys told me a story of what happened to another friend this same night! Another guy who I had taken shrooms with earlier that summer and who was truly a guru of psychedelics had decided to go on a ‘vision quest’. He didn’t eat sleep or drink for three days straight. Well apparently that night, he had completely been out of character when he came over, then left and attacked a random guy off of the street for complimenting his dreads. He was arrested and put in a psych ward and they said he was suicidal and psychotic. He was later released, I think the next day. But this was NOT something you tell somebody in the midst of a bad trip. I lost it. I knew that would be me, it was the same night, too much of a coincidence. This guy was somebody I admired in the world of psychedelics, I felt really bonded to him when we did shrooms together, and this news completely put me in what would be the worst trip of my life.
We left, my friend and I, and it was about 2 am I believe. He needed to get rest, but I needed him, I was completely out of my mind I felt, and panicking and feeling that I was either going to go crazy or some other supernatural cosmic experience was going to happen. I did have the intuition to tell that it was time to let him go home and go to bed though, but I certainly was not going to go home myself (I lived with my parents at the time). So I called my ex girlfriend who is actually my best friend and was still at the time. Although we were having a bit of a rough time and I believe she may have been hooking up with a guy I was not too fond of at the time. I was jealous. (This is applicable, I think, to what will be my later twisted perceptions of her. I am not just confessing my boring social life here!) Also, she was actually one of the people who did this LSD and had a pretty crazy trip where I was the one who kind of coached her through it.
My friend drops me off, concerned, but more exhausted then anything. It was time I let him go, he had done enough. I called her while he was driving basically crying telling her I was having a horrible trip and I NEEDED her. When we arrived, she came outside, and all we did was embrace. It was nice, and I felt still attracted to her, and naturally started to feel a bit sexually charged during the embrace. This feeling suddenly became something I was ashamed of, and that I thought was ‘wrong’. I have a Christian background that I won’t go into, but those sort of thoughts are unfortunately etched into my person.
We went inside, and it was about 2:30 AM, I think. I sat down and really didn’t say much, besides that I was having a bad trip and I was panicky about everything. I then tried to give her concrete examples about WHY I was having a bad trip, but couldn’t, and she was skeptical. The fact that she thought I was just being dramatic drained more hope from me. I tried to tell her the story about my friend going to the mental hospital, but I just wasn’t coherent enough to explain why this was even pertinent to my own situation.
She offered me some oatmeal, and I agreed. She sat down and I ate the Oatmeal. It was just making me nauseas, I didn’t want food. She sat across from me, and visuals now came back to my trip. Almost 10 hours later, my trip seemed to come on stronger than ever before. I looked at her, and could see very twitch, every movement as being exaggerated and … well…disgusting almost. She scratched her eye, and it looked like she was trying to peal her eyeball out of it’s socket. She sneezed, and it seemed like a long winded cackle. And I still do not understand how I looked at the clock and it wasn’t working, then it was working a bit later. I even asked her, and she gave some rational explanation as to why it wasn’t working, then was later on.
I then noticed that she had some red chopsticks next to her, a red shirt, the lights all looked red, and then I saw her earrings which were almost…demon-like. I started fantasizing her as a demon. She seemed to be conspiring against me. I got up and went to the bathroom, the poor girl was helpless. Well, I was, but she felt bad and seemed very distressed for not being able to help me. As I was urinating, she started singing. This freaked me out, but it wasn’t a big deal. Later on, I went in to pee again, and she started singing again. My mind processed this as happening every time I started urinating, and I wanted to think of this as some sort of supernatural occurrence, or a demonic witch song of some kind.
I have no idea how long I was there, but after a while I was really making her tired and frankly, scared of me. This is why she tells me she was singing, it made her feel comfortable when she was half waiting for me to become psychotic and do something drastic. I couldn’t find my phone. Of course, this was a security device, so I started to panic even more. So she led me around to look for it. We entered her bedroom, and she was looking all over for it. This is where things get even weirder. She got in her bed and moved blankets around looking for it. I hadn’t remembered even going in her room, why would my phone be in there? I then knew she was trying to get me in her bed, to have sex with me.
I immediately hit what I would call the pinnacle of the trip, when I vividly imagined us making love, and as soon as I penetrated her, I would reach a sort of enlightenment, it would be so pure and so beautiful. But then, it could also be ‘Sin’ and I would become a patron of this demon. Or that I would lose my ‘self’, ego death? I then saw this all as being two roads in front of me. Two choices, which would become another theme. She continued to search for the phone, and I started being mean to her; I chose. I would not have sex with her (like she would have!) and instead I’d be on my own. She kept asking if I wanted her to take me home, and finally after lots of quarreling, I agreed. I knew this would be a solo mission from here on out.
As we were driving, her car broke down. I knew this to be another supernatural occurrence, and I still can’t explain the coincidence of it. Her car started up again and we made it to my house. I sat in the car with her, and apologized. But as she started her car again, it wouldn’t start. She was out of gas. She kept revving the engine and trying to get it to go. My mind told me she was trying to wake my parents, to get me in trouble. This was the two paths, either A. go back with her and be in a hellish type of world, or B. get in trouble by my parents, live the traditional Christian life, but be punished for what I was messing with. She called her father to come bring her gas, and asked if I would wait outside with her. I then fantasized that if I chose that, I’d be with her, and once again, be demonic, or I could leave her, and get in trouble. With how I was perceiving things, it all seemed to go back and forth between these two choices. Almost as if this was all a dance, choreographed.
Well, I went inside my house, and just went straight to my room after getting some water. We texted, I apologized, probably saying all sorts of crazy shit, then finally her father came and eventually she got off. While inside, my mind created these two scenarios and added even more detail. I could go out there, die, burn in hell, live in pleasure; or I could stay inside and be a Christian drone and be holy or whatever. Then a third choice popped up, if I went to bed, I’d die, and my death would be a zombie like death, where there would be nothing else, no after life or nirvana or anything.
I went into the bathroom, and wet my face and hair. I had a huge beard at the time, and long hair. As I washed, I looked into the mirror and saw myself as a Jesus-like figure. I knew I must shower. As I turned on the shower it was cold, then I turned it off. It also smelt like bleach. I kept repeating this process. So I then came to the conclusion that it was God telling me I must be punished and be baptized in cold, bleached water. Well, if I did that, I’d be committing. Now in my sober mind I assume my father bleached the shower, which he does often, and I didn’t ever give the chance for the water to warm! Ha! Self destructive mind. So I waited, went back into my room and opened up the bible. Before I did though, the fan next to my bed blew it to a page, and this is what I came to: Luke 11:14-28
14 Jesus was driving out a demon that was mute. When the demon left, the man who had been mute spoke, and the crowd was amazed. 15 But some of them said, “By Beelzebul, the prince of demons, he is driving out demons.” 16 Others tested him by asking for a sign from heaven.
17 Jesus knew their thoughts and said to them: “Any kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and a house divided against itself will fall. 18 If Satan is divided against himself, how can his kingdom stand? I say this because you claim that I drive out demons by Beelzebul. 19 Now if I drive out demons by Beelzebul, by whom do your followers drive them out? So then, they will be your judges. 20 But if I drive out demons by the finger of God, then the kingdom of God has come upon you.
21 “When a strong man, fully armed, guards his own house, his possessions are safe. 22 But when someone stronger attacks and overpowers him, he takes away the armor in which the man trusted and divides up his plunder.
23 “Whoever is not with me is against me, and whoever does not gather with me scatters.
24 “When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ 25 When it arrives, it finds the house swept clean and put in order. 26 Then it goes and takes seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first.”
27 As Jesus was saying these things, a woman in the crowd called out, “Blessed is the mother who gave you birth and nursed you.”
28 He replied, “Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it.”
So at this point I figured God was totally speaking to me in this trip and was here with me. Although I felt a sense of comfort, it was all still too alarming. It was nice to know that there IS a God, but I still felt conflicted at my ‘three’ choices that I had to deal with. I could go to sleep (like any sane man would at what was now 5 in the morning), I could go take the shower, or I could go back outside to where my ex was still waiting for her father.
However, I didn’t choose. I listened to some music that I love, I was hoping that would calm me. At this point, it was odd, I felt that the wild trip was over, but I still felt out of touch with everything, and I still was in this ‘Psychotic state’, if you will. This was 12 hours after the initial taking of the drug! Well I listened to some Animal Collective and then Enya for another few hours, sitting in my bed, moving around restlessly, tripping still. The music was insane, I could pick out every detail, every single ‘imperfection’.
At around 7 am there was movement outside my room. Everyone in my family was getting ready for school and work. I then decided to go sleep in my brother’s room which used to be mine before I started college, now I was sleeping on a cot in an office. I went and got in my old bed, where the vibes were better and I had my computer. My computer would allow me then to RESEARCH. Immediately at around 8 AM I got onto the computer and looked at various websites, doing google searches trying to figure out how I was still tripping. I figured I’d be like this forever. As I was doing searches I kept coming across Christian spiritual websites, once again reaffirming my notion that this has all been an act of God or something else.
At around noon, things were more clear. Don’t get me wrong though, I am still tripping. Still having slight visuals too if I stare at the wall for a while, things would move. I decided it was a nice day, and with my step mother vacuuming for what my mind was telling me for hours (although every time I went and peeked our my door, she wasn’t, I just heard it. Auditory hallucinations?) I decided I’d go for a walk. Outside I experienced the morning glow. Everything was fantastic, and I started to feel a bit reenergized. Almost positive. Although still a bit shocked and unsure about all that I had experienced. I walked for an hour, and then returned home. Messaged my ex online and told her everything, and she thought I was delusional or being dramatic. But I still felt like I was tripping, even at around 2 o clock. That would be about 21 hours later from initial consumption of dose. Impossible? It certainly is hard to find other cases, I sure couldn’t. But I was certainly still feeling very high, and still in the same mode of thought.
I tried so hard to sleep. That is part of the reason I am sure my trip continued so long. I lay in bed, and then at about 3:45 my father bursts into my room and reminds me I have a doctor’s appointment that I had forgotten about at 4. At this point nothing could alarm me, surprise me, or scare me anymore. So he let me borrow his car (Ha!) and I drove to the doctor’s office. [Erowid Note:
Driving while intoxicated, tripping, or extremely sleep deprived is dangerous and irresponsible because it endangers other people. Don't do it!]
Still feeling very uneasy and high, I made it, and once in the office anxiety set in again. I was there regarding some anxiety issues I had been having (at the time I thought they were purely physiological, but they stemmed from what I later would find out to be an anxiety ‘disorder’). I got into his office, and the doctor talked and talked about the same thing. This was the acid, in FULL EFFECT. He mumbled on about me ‘having a good head on my shoulders’ and so on and so forth. But I had no idea what he was saying really, and he kept dragging on and on and I wanted to get out of there! Finally he finished and let me go when I was practically on my feet, still having small visual sensations as well.
As I started my father’s car, I looked at the gas tank and it said empty. I then felt that this was it, I would go wonder off away from the car and become a street urchin and have no sense of self and be like the men and women who wander the streets muttering to themselves about aliens and past lives and what not. But I was stubborn. I called my father and told him the gas light was on and it was empty, and he was confused because he said he gave me almost a full tank. Well, sure enough, I started the car, looked at the gas light, and it was near full. How do you explain that?
I got home after having a run in with a guy who dated my sister on the street; I was sure he was tailing me in his car and wanted to kill me. But logic did try and work and tell me otherwise. I got home, nearly crumbling to my father and telling him I was on lsd and I needed him to go ahead and drive me to the hospital. It was 24 hours later and I was still in hysterics, still tripping. I knew I’d be like this forever until it all just faded into me not knowing who or what I am anymore. I got online again and talked to my ex again and my first friend from the evening and they both still acted as if I was being dramatic. But I then asked the first friend to drive me to the hospital, deadly serious, and he almost did. Till my ex messaged me with some information about temporary psychoses after using LSD, so I was somewhat comforted and for some reason went and got in bed. I did so, tried to fall asleep, and around 6 pm I fell asleep.
I tripped, hard, for 24+ hours on LSD. And it changed my life.
That night, I was woken up for dinner, declined, and felt anew. I actually felt myself again. I called a friend and told him I needed to be out and get some fresh air. Him and some friends came and got me, and I had my first cigarette that night (ha! I was always opposed to smoke tobacco, while trying every other substance under the sun, even chewing tobacco.) We drove around, I lightly mentioned I had an intense lsd trip that night and I just needed a relaxing evening.
Well, about two nights before I left for Germany, I couldn’t sleep, I felt weird. Very weird. Something was off, and I was having intense anxiety. When I got to Germany, and for my entire stay for almost a year, I spent almost every evening having panic attacks, flashbacks to my trip, and anxiety 24/7. I came home for Christmas and was prescribed Prozac and Xanax. I took those for the rest of my stay and just this last August of 2010 I changed to Zoloft. I quit that, as I have been feeling somewhat better, and more in tune. Accepting that maybe there are unexplainable things in our universe, and that I don’t need all the answers. Did I experience supernatural occurrences? Was it an act of God? Was I temporarily psychotic and underlying psychological conditions were uprooted? I don’t know.
Thanks for reading. There is so much more I could share, so many psychological and spiritual experiences I have had since the trip, but I won’t hold you any longer. If you have any insights or anything, please feel free to share.
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