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A Gift From God
by C
Citation:   C. "A Gift From God: An Experience with Ibogaine (exp88781)". Erowid.org. Jan 24, 2011. erowid.org/exp/88781

I found out about Ibogaine when I was doing a search on Google to find alternative ways to get off heroin. I started out using Vicodin about 3 years before the treatment, and a year ago was introduced to Oxycontin - a big mistake. At first, I would buy 3-4 OC 80's at a time, promise to make them last a week or two (cause I meant to just do it occasionally), but no matter what somehow they would disappear the day I bought them.

Soon, they were always on my mind. I started feeling withdrawals if I didn't use it and from there I was hooked. I managed to detox on my own by going through the withdrawals, but a few days after getting clean I would relapse again. It was always around me, so it was easy for me to fall back in. About 2 months before the treatment, I tried tar heroin. I tried to stay away from it, but once Oxycontin got discontinued in my area, it was the only option. I eventually started to get Suboxone off the street and would take it when I didn't have tar. Still, I was never clean, and I never felt 100%. I would oversleep, be unmotivated, depressed, and nothing made me too happy.

Eventually, after months of using tar, I decided I couldn't live like this anymore and went to an ibogaine treatment center in Mexico. It was very important not to try and treat myself with ibogaine, I would not do it right. One has to starve oneself before taking ibogaine so as not to throw it up, and also one needs to be in withdrawal. Once the ibogaine hits, it is immobilizing. If one needs to go to the bathroom, a guide is needed to walk there, and to bring water or whatever else one needs.

After my first dose I began to hear a buzzing/ringing noise in my ear. It would get louder and louder and eventually the buzz would get very high pitched. The treatment center is on the ocean so the waves crashing started to sound very very different. I can't explain the sound.

Then I closed my eyes and I was able to see as if my eyes were open. Eyes open or closed, what I saw was the same. Next, I saw my own face. It would come towards me and pass by. I saw weird shapes, and was even looking at a little round spaceship that was in a maze. I was able to completely control which way it moved. The coolest thing I noticed was that every hallucination I had, I had complete control over it. If I wanted to see a specific person, I can just think of them and they would appear.

The way I felt was not good. I had a horrible stomachache, my legs were restless, and I couldn't sleep. Another patient who was doing the treatment at the same time as me had no stomach problems, so that must mean that everybody just reacts differently to it. It must have been from not having had food for so long. I couldn't stop moving around and if I was under blankets I was too hot, and without them I was freezing cold. Eventually I forced myself to stay still for about 20 minutes, feeling pain everywhere, and I realized I was drenched in sweat. I took off my shirt and blankets till I dried off.

I moved over to the next bed, which was dry. I would constantly call the nurse complaining about my stomach problems and eventually they gave me a cocktail of drugs to ease it. It helped a bit. I couldn't tell if I ever slept, if I did they were short little naps. I remember I wanted to watch tv on my laptop or iphone so I closed my eyes and there it was, I was watching tv on my laptop. I noticed that the better my memory of something, the more vivid and real it was. I watch tv on my laptop a lot so I was clearly able to see it.

The trip was intense. Eventually I went into extremely deep thinking and realized how peaceful human beings must have been when we first came to be, requiring no money, job, war, and all other problems we've created for ourselves over time because we want more and more. Compare the beginning of humans when we needed no money to live, people simply enjoyed earth. Today, we have poverty, war, need to work our asses off, deal with stresses, have to fit in and be accepted, and realized then that over time things are just getting worse and worse. Then I realized our own greed and need for more will eventually be the end of us. We literally have nuclear weapons, ready to destroy the world, which is unnecessary. We are way more self-conscious and insecure than we used to be, and it made me feel like we are pathetic.

I remember being in space and being able to travel to other planets, and also to earth, but in the beginning of time. I also saw my youth, and realized how long I've been alive, and how much longer I have to live. I realized how long an hour really is if you think about it, and how much longer a day is than an hour, and a year than a day, and so on. I began to question how the FUCK we can stay happy for our whole lifespan under these conditions, and why god would make our lives so long. Then I realized that god solved the problem by giving us the gift of happiness. He has the power to change the amount of happiness we receive from any given situation, and he has gifted us by being able to attain happiness from simple things like eating food, being with friends, and so on.

I feel like the trip is essential to keeping me clean. As I write this its been 3 days after ibogaine and I feel no desire to use at all. While I tripped, I would realize exactly why I started using, and I would prove to myself, logically why to never do it again. I would realize what I've lost in my life from using. For me, I realized that using drugs depleted me of the gift that god gave me - to attain happiness from a certain situation. For example - I have a view of the ocean from the balcony in my room. Its literally on the beach. When I first arrived, I looked out at it, and said to myself 'oh, an ocean.' I just recognized that it was there, but felt no emotion from it. Others would look out and say 'oh how beautiful it is!.'

The trip ended the next day around 12pm when I fell asleep until 6pm. I woke up still feeling the physical effects but not tripping. I lay there for hours and eventually was given sleeping meds.

I woke up the next day, and WOW. I have never felt this good. It was the happiest day of my life. I felt amazing. I stood up out of my bed, and began tearing with joy. I felt better than when I used. For the first time in years, I felt true bliss and happiness. I looked out at the ocean and admired the beauty of it, I sat on the rocks where the waves were crashed and cried with joy. I realized that the past 3 years, even when I was not thinking about using, I still had this subconscious side of me that was always asking for me, keeping me trapped, as if I was in a confined jail cell. I vowed to never touch any opiate again, and I believe I will stick to it. EVERY SINGLE ACTIVITY made me so much happier. And then I realized, I finally got back the gift of being able to attain more happiness from a situation, a gift that opiates have taken from me.

I am getting my wisdom teeth pulled soon, and I know they will offer me vicodin, but I am going to ask for an non-opiate pain killer, or take nothing at all. I never want this new reality of life to deter.

I don't care how bad my ibogaine trip could have been, in the end, it was more than worth it.

Exp Year: 2010ExpID: 88781
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 20
Published: Jan 24, 2011Views: 18,440
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Ibogaine (28) : Addiction & Habituation (10), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), General (1), Small Group (2-9) (17)

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