Citation: robb. "Mind Meltdown: An Experience with Pharmahuasca (Syrian Rue & DMT) (exp87761)". Erowid.org. Nov 11, 2012. erowid.org/exp/87761
||(powder / crystals)
This will be my first trip report, and first pharmahuasca experience. In a word, it was amazing. I warn you before you continue, this post may be a bit choppy and difficult to decipher and long... But it was quite a beautiful experience if you choose to read. I did my best to compile it so enjoi!
After many weeks of waiting, deliberating, trying to determine why I would want to subject myself to one of the most powerful and possibly frightening experiences life can offer, I decide that tonight is the night. I'm going to ingest 175mg DMT with 200mg peganum harmala extract. My first time with pharmahuasca. My purpose for this trip is that of exploration. I have a very happy life and do not really have any qualms I wish to change. I simply MUST know what the other side is like when your hours into it rather than minutes. My sitter will be mostly sober, simply smoking weed and chilling.
I take the harmala and about 30-40 minutes later the majority of the DMT vial. I leave about one breakthrough dose of smoked dmt in the vial so that I have the option of a smoking a booster dose halfway through. A good plan, as I'm about to be SO fucked up.
Coming up I'm sitting watching really crazy funny videos on youtube. I began to feel a change. It felt good, quite energizing yet relaxing. After a little bit of tripping I realize I haven't told my sitter I'm coming up. I realize this is because I thought he already knew through some extrasensory way. That makes me laugh a lot. 'Oh by the way dude im tripping. Lol' My awareness feels sharpened and my normal HPPD visuals are greatly heightened. Laughter seems to be coming out of me a lot easier, the videos are funnier. After a while I begin to feel more and more connected to my surroundings, including these videos I was watching. One of them was of a lion hugging a bear, fucking adorable right? I couldn't help but feel as if I had been in their shoes in a previous life or somehow in that moment in a bizarre way I was the lion hugging the bear. This is quite an enlightening feeling.
I'm grooving now. The waves of sensation and visuals are coming on stronger and stronger now. With my eyes closed I see the HPPD visuals extremely vividly. Normally in a day when I'm not taking any drugs I see a sort of endless knot looking pattern, as well as a weird colorful web. You get these after years of psychedelic use. They aren't bothersome, I actually quite enjoy looking at them. These are present and very very vivid. I hear voices, many many voices. I feel like I am telepathic and mine own consciousness and the consciousness of many others has been intertwined. They seem to be proud of me. They think I'm handling the ceremony quite well. I feel like buddha. I realize buddha nature, how desire leads to suffering, and how in this very moment sitting in this chair in a relaxed lotus like posture which somehow is quite conducive to my breathing I feel eternally blissful and hope that this moment never ends. Ah... The breathing. I've never appreciated the ability to experience the change that respiration brings and how powerful it can be as much as now.
As I write this I realize I am shifting between talking about the experience in past and present tense, but if you're reading this you probably understand the nature of the beast, how you can ask questions like is that trip still occurring somewhere in space and time? Is it currently going on at this moment? Yeah the rabbit hole of questions leading to questions is endless as I'm sure you know. But I digress. I feel connected to some common names, like celebrity type people. Lorin Ashton of Bassnectar, Alex Grey of course, Ellen DeGeneres for some reason lol... Boy am I happy. Talking to my sitter is so fluid and so easy. I feel at complete ecstatic peace. Certain discomforting thoughts will arise occasionally, but in my enlightened state I simply shrug them off without a blink and continue my uber happy roll. I experience several brief moments of ego death. A simple blissful awareness with no worries, not even worried about whether or not I am currently existing, simply being aware of the light the darkness the silence and the sound. I will occasionally snap to and try to remember who I am and be like I AM LOVE!!!! Then ill be like, no I'm just the gayest (as in happy) person on the planet. No I'm god!... No I'm the essence of humanity... No I'm rob! No, I'm all these things at the same time!!! At one point I feel as if I am all that has ever existed, but that's an extremely difficult feeling to describe. I stare at objects. There's an especially trippy looking cup in front of me. I love that cup. It's so content to just be a cup and hold my water for me. It came all the way through existence into this very moment to contain my water, and it seems happy to do it! What would I do without you cup? Oh my toes... Man do I appreciate my toes. Oh man my diaphragm... I feel like every part of my body is its own entity yet somehow all me. And they're talking. I feel like everything in this universe is somehow an entity and all me! I have strange moments where I'll hear a voice saying 'hey wait which universe did you come from again?' This makes me lol.
Alas the experience does take a wrong turn. Bear in mind throughout the negative side of the experience (I wouldn't even say negative, but for lack of a better word...) I am still in my buddha nature mind. I am nothing more than an observer of these crazy things occurring, they don't really freak me out too much. I'm still pretty ecstatic. Still, I'd rather be able to put some things together in my head instead of being completely incapacitated. I don't really remember what set it off. But I do remember feeling cold at some points earlier in the trip and wanting to turn the heater on, then realizing its all in my head. But no, this time I cannot shake the cold. I have to go outside. It's cold outside too! I decide the best idea is to go into my car and turn on the heater full blast. Wait no I don't like wasting gas! I'll just grab my jacket. But alas, at this point I realize my short term memory or attention span is simply too short to accomplish any task other than wandering in circles. This is somehow comforting to me. I like circles, I like walking. I could do this forever! For some reason my sitters starting to trip me out. For a moment I feel like he's tripping too. He doesn't seem content to walk in circles like I am, so he tries to steer me to the docks at his apartment complex, but I fear he's trying to get me to jump in the water and drown. Not that that would have bothered me at this point. Death seems like one of the coolest experiences ever! I can't wait to see what it's like, yet I also appreciate my life and body so much that I am not ready for this to occur. I think about collective consciousness. I feel like there's a universal human exchange and that if a soul wanted too it could jump out of my body and enter another's just for fun. I decide against this, I like my body. I think about the interconnectedness of everything and feel like whoa if everything is connected like this could I accidentally do some damage to someone somewhere by making a simple mistake in my life? I fear new york city is going to blow up because of me; because I would be one of the responders cleaning up the mess (im an emt, in paramedic school.) I worry my instructor has suffered a stroke as a result of what I've done tonight. I feel as if the reason there is suffering and sick people on this planet is because some people like to help people, and the desire to help is inherently an evil thing because it requires someone to first need help for you do what you like. I realize later that this is crazy and it's like the chicken or the egg, who came first? Sufferers or healers?
After wandering around, freaking a bunch of random people out outside talking in crazy biblically epic circles to my friend who doesn't seem to know what the fuck I'm talking about. It's ok though. It all makes sense to me. He's not on ayahuasca. Whoa a lot of cops just drove by me. I wouldn't mind sitting in jail aside from the cold! Man do I fear the cold! I want to nestle myself in the sun. My sitter realizes I need to be taken inside. We get inside and I can't sit still. I'm still walking in circles inside my friends house. I see a knife. Whoa knife. I pick it up. Why would anyone want to kill? I begin stabbing my friends door. I don't remember why. He's watching anime. Its tripping me out. The animes talking to me. Its about me. This is so cool. Oh wow that's some violent gruesome anime. I can't handle that. Man am I fried right now. I feel like I'm going to be fried like this forever. Hey, at least I'll be happy!
A song comes on, Bionic commando theme dubstep remix by dj rusko. Fucking epic. The song makes me feel like smoking that booster bowl of DMT whilst on this oral DMT. I feel like if that was to happen with this song playing I would travel back in time through a crazy interdimensional wormhole. Boy it would be cool to travel back in time, talk to all those girls I was too shy too, make a lot more friends, help a lot more people... I decide that's a bad idea. It could have unforeseen consequences. In addition, I love this timeline. I am so lucky and I appreciate it so much, would I ever be able to come back to this timeline if I jumped over to another one?
I am coming down now. Me and my sitter are walking around outside again, and I'm trying to explain to him all the crazy shit that's been going on. My words are coming together better, he can understand me now thank god. I start spinning poi. This feels fucking incredible. I feel so much more fluid and the tracers are so much more vivid. Wow. WOW. I JUST DID AYAHUASCA!!! THATS SO CRAZY!!! I feel that eternal bliss rising up again. We spend the rest of the night playing chess by candle light under the stars jamming to music trying to put my brain back together. I barely win the chess game Smile
Great experience. I cannot say for sure that any of the thoughts I thunk or crazily enlightening experiences I had, feeling timeless and one with all were actually occurring. But such is the nature of the beast! Does reality exist? Am I hallucinating all this and ayahuasca is actually curing the hallucination? Blah blah blah. I love that stuff. There are a lot of assumptions about connectedness and collective consciousness that I have long believed and went into this experience with, therefore those assumptions could have fundamentally alter your trip. I feel it is best to go into something like this as someone who has no clue about religion spirituality or anything and is completely open to anything the experience chooses to offer. Unfortunately my beliefs are pretty set in stone at this point. Will I ever really find the 'truth' that I set out to find? I realize at this point, I simply do not care. With the preconceived ideas I have about the nature of reality so deeply ingrained into me now I feel I will never be able to undo them. But this doesn't even matter, because if I continue to find this same beautiful comforting truth in all my future experiences I will indeed be happy till the day I die and maybe even after it. I will definitely be doing this again.
Another thing I want to add is one time I sat down with a bong and about four to five grams of dmt and smoked for several hours straight. That experience was very much similar to this one, but I was in less control this time because I couldn't redose every few minutes, instead I was committed to one dose from the beginning.
I still feel amazing. I appreciate existence so much yall. I have nothing but love for all of you and all life has to offer. I don't want to tell anyone what to do, but if you are planning on experiencing a crazy out of this world mind trip like this one, I RECOMMEND having a sitter who has done it before, who won't be distracting you with what he is currently doing. I definitely wouldn't want to watch TV again while on it. Also, just relax! I've found over thinking things on psychedelics yields a complicated trip. I prefer to simply observe rather than think. I mean, the thinking's pretty cool and crazy sometimes, but it can go haywire. You're going to find what you're looking for. You are. It might be scary at some points but you won't even be scathed in the long run.
In my honest opinion, all is love. Even evil (if you believe in it.) People commit evil for love of themselves and power, and every action has an equal and opposite reaction so these people will keep having evil happen to themselves until they see the cycle and decide to change. And once they change, they will be kind loving people! Simply because that is the best way to be, that's something everyone realizes at some point. But I won't profess to have 'the answer' or to be an expert on psychedelics or karmic or spiritual things. As powerful as that experience was there is still a desire to go deeper, as well as uncertainty. The beautiful thing is though I'm loving every minute of it, and that's what really matters.
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