Citation: e-rob. "Cursed, for Better or Worse: An Experience with Methadone (liquid) (exp87274)". Erowid.org. Nov 23, 2015. erowid.org/exp/87274
Where to begin, I guess the best place to start is the beginning. In the beginning I was normal, well, as normal as any freshman college girl from a small town in the near college town (the city). In my small town more people are dependent on painkillers than not, and I donít mean just take a loratab 10mgs here and there I mean taking several OxyContin 80mg pills a day. Itís a nice town donít get me wrong, there are a lot of high-powered people here with lots of money, my family being one of them.
While I was in high school I NEVER, EVER, messed with any types of drugs, I drank a few times with my friends at parties, but was too involved with sports, school, cheering, and friends, not mention my squeaky clean image.
When I made it to the big city, my dreams had already started coming true, getting into the college I wanted, I knew a lot of people in the town, I had family there, they owned banks and were also very well respected in the city, so I had immense pressure to succeed. Not to mention my own expectations, donít get me wrong I liked to cut loose and drink some and had started smoking pot daily, but I kept my shit together.
At this time all of my friends either experimented with painkillers, lortab, oxys, any type of vicodin, hydrocodone, oxycodone, but I never did. I had seen what it had done to so many people and didnít understand how someone couldnít just stop, what was the hold, why ruin your life and make everyone the you are worthless?
I made it to my second semester of college and when I came back, I started hanging out with a boy (big mistake) that had just came back from rehab and everyone knew he was a piece of shit that used to use all the time (a dope head). Well, he came back and he was clean, and I really didnít like him, I just sort of used him for a ride, my car was back home having some work done to and he introduced me to Lortabs, I liked them a lot, but never got hooked, I could pick them up, put them down, maintain.
They made me feel awesome, like I could conquer the world. They gave me energy, I could go to class, do my homework, clean my house, and I slept. I actually slept, that was always a problem for me, when I tried to sleep before my mind would race, I would think of things I needed to excel on and how I could be better, when all the while I was really good enough, I just didnít see it. But. And there it is, I loved the powerfulness that this drug made me feel. I loved the euphoria of it, the good mood, how good everything seemed to be going, and how it could turn a bad day good, and the boy I mentioned, I had secretly started dating, I was so ashamed at first I wouldnít admit it to anyone, and the more I took the lortab to more I didnít care and told myself it was ok to be with him, or that I liked him.
Then, after a few months of use and up and down spirals of emotions. The start of problems with my family, they noticed changes, my academic achievements, the vast amounts of money I was going through, but when I was high I didnít care or could come up with an excuse, you see I was a girl that didnít know the meaning of the word budget. My tolerance soared and I tried oxycontin, a 20mg pill at first (I would crush them and snort them). And within a matter of days I was doing 40mgs of oxy a day and then 80mgs. By, that time it was too late I was physically and mentally addicted, I had left my family, they knew what I was, and that was devastating to me. But, I had my boyfriend that I was ashamed of and my addiction, and at least I still had some friends.
Well, it happened I got tired of it and the boy and I called it quits and I moved back home, my mom didnít trust me, I had no life, my whole family had branded me, even though I was pretty much clean. I just used when I had the extra money, since my family had put a damper on my funds. I was just 20 years old, and a year and a half of college behind me. So I went back to school and I met another boy, and started getting high with him, he was my excuse and my access. Now, I know it sounds like boys are where the problem lied, but it was my way of making it not only about me, I was the one who wanted to do the drugs, Iím not an easily influenced person. And when I started doing 40mgs of oxy a day then 80mgs, then 5-6 80mg pills a day, I had just had enough, but the physical withdrawals were too much for me to handle. I just couldnít stop. Every day seemed more dooming than the last, but when I got that pill it didnít matter.
Rock bottom you say, Iím 5í2íí tall and at that time I weighed about 80 lbs, and was averaging 5-6 80mg oxycontin pills a day, yeah it was rock bottom. I was scavenging for money, selling my possessions, all the things I loved, taking change from the change jars thinking it wouldnít be missed (around here oxy 80ís go for $100.00). But, I was tired, tired of it all, tired of the life, tired of needing something to feel normal, and then to try to achieve a high had gotten impossible. So, I went to the only place I was even semi welcome, my grandmother's. It took about a month but I dried out, cut all my ties, got a job, started back to school in the fall. It was looking up, I had even met a wonderful person who I didnít have to be high to be around. He was wonderful.
He knew all too well how it was to be on drugs, an ex-user himself. He had just started methadone and had been clean for 4 months. Once in a while I would slip, but I would never fall. We were perfect, we were in love and I was slowly getting my life back, and then we got pregnant. We were both so excited, we were going to get married, then 5 days before our wedding I lost the baby!
I was miserable, I felt responsible, like I was being paid back for being such a shit head. I felt so bad for him he was heartbroken too, I was 5 months along, and it was a horrifying experience to say the least. Needless to say I couldnít go through with the wedding not with the depression I felt, that was no way to start a life together. I kept getting more and more depressed and fell into my own guilt and started using again behind his back, just to get to sleep at night. I would go days, almost a week at a time, with no more than an hour or two of sleep, so I did what I thought would make it better. Yeah right!!!
We moved, back to the city where I used to go to college, and I kept using behind his back, and of course things got rocky between us. Then when it was almost over between us I found out I was pregnant again, I was thinking a new beginning, maybe this is what we need, and I also thought I donít want him to think Iím trying to trap him, I know a lot of girls think itís an easy fixer, I wasnít so sure, I had mixed feelings.
The drugs, he had went back home for a few days, and I though good I can get clean while heís gone, I didnít want to be pregnant on drugs, after all I had something wonderful to live for. Weeeeell, it didnít quite work out that way. I stopped alright, but I got so sick, and I puked so much, with the withdrawal and morning sickness I had to call an ambulance to take me to the hospital. I was having seizures, and was so dehydrated that all of the potassium was almost gone from my body and I asked if they had a rapid detox, since I didnít want my boyfriend to find out, and I entered in that night.
Because I was pregnant they started my on 30mgs of liquid methadone, knowing about it because my boyfriend had been in the methadone program successfully, I was ok with that. I got down to 7mgs and it was on a Sunday, and the doctors came in my room and said that it would be in my best interest for me and the baby (being prone to miscarriage) to increase my dose and stay on methadone maintenance. If I went against their recommendation they would have to notify social services, who wants to bring a child into that mess. But who wants to have an innocent baby on methadone either, but I agreed, and did as they asked. So then I had to tell my boyfriend what had been going on, and my family, being more ashamed than ever.
Since my boyfriend was already on methadone he was my biggest support. My only support. We were still on rocky terms and I gave him space, which I also needed, and things seem to just sort themselves out. I had the baby, we were together, and we were a family. The baby was perfect thanks to the methadone maintenance program, but she had to stay in the hospital for a little while longer than normal and did great thankfully. I was lucky and blessed for once, thanks to the methadone.
She is now 4 years old, and beautiful, and perfect. My boyfriend and I are still together, and we are both finally ready to get married. I have been on the methadone for 4 years and about 9 months, and havenít slipped once, it keeps me clean and I never think about going back to my old habits, but it is still a crutch. I hate that I have to take it every day to be normal and I would love to come off of it, but for the most part it has been a positive thing in my life, and Iím not hiding in the dark about it. Iím on 100mgs now and, I donít know how I could go through withdrawals and be the mom I love being and work. I guess I am cursed for better or worse, haunted with this life-altering decision? I want to be dependent on nothing, but I have done my research, and I have tried to stop taking it before and as the time passes the withdrawals get worse instead of better. How can I be the person I want to be, and at the same time like the person I have become? So you see there are so many good things about this drug and this program that it lets you decide when you are ready, even if it years, even if that day never comes for you. Will that day ever come for me, only I can make the change.
My life is good now, my family is wonderful and flourishing even though my partner for life and I are both on methadone, and we do very well in almost every aspect of life, things have been good for a while now, but I find my self pondering the same questions over and over again.
So you see I am cursed, for better or worse?
just a girl
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