Amanitas - A. muscaria
Citation: aj. "Never Been More Scared, Ever: An Experience with Amanitas - A. muscaria (exp87238)". Erowid.org. Jun 2, 2020. erowid.org/exp/87238
I had eaten these things before with no effect, but the Washington variety is nothing to play with. I ate about ten to fifteen grams, 3 small to medium dried caps, and went to bed after thinking that the famed amanitas had once again eluded me.
I couln't have been more wrong, and it turned into one of the most terrifying nights of my life. I began having lucid dreams, and by the time the trip woke me up I was too far gone to associate it with the mushrooms. It wasn't until the next morning that I realized I had been tripping balls all night. The lucid dream took me to outer space and I became a particle. At times I thought I was the only thing in existence, at times I thought I was talking to God, at times I thought I was God. I felt like a particle flying through space and time. Then I woke up and really started tripping. I couldn't stand up, and I didn't know why. I laid back down and flew back to outer space. Then I died, left my body, fell through limbo in my particle state, and was reborn after giving in to the sensation that I was the only thing in existence, that I was hopelessly alone for all of eternity, with no form. There was a light, and when I opened my eyes I couldn't see the room around me. Then I tripped harder. I forgot which me had my eyes open and which one had eyes closed, and I became an infinite chain of awareness. It got so bad that I literally thought I had gone insane. I thought I had died in my sleep and was now flying to some sort of afterlife.
I thought I had died in my sleep and was now flying to some sort of afterlife.
At times I was in heaven and at times I was in hell. It was such a hopeless feeling, I literally thought I had been damned to isolation for all eternity.
The thought that I might be tripping never entered my mind. I was convinced I had died. The entire time I felt like a particle flying around the void, bumping into other particles. I died and was reborn what seemed like an infinite number of times. Somehow it all made sense to me and I felt like a really understood God and reality and spontaneous existence. The only thing I can even begin to say is that I got to experience the God particle. I thought I had left my life behind and was never going to wake up. I thought that I was an infant inside of a womb, and maybe got to experience the first moments of life all over again. In the earlier stages of the trip, when I still had motor function, I contemplated killing myself, convinced that I was asleep and trying to wake up.
I still don't know which parts were a dream and which really happened. I suddenly found myself teleporting around my house. I was either sleep walking or astral projecting, not sure which, but at one point I found myself standing naked in my kitchen, having no recollection of how I got there. Considering I had tried and failed to stand up out of bed I'm leaning more towards astral projection than sleep walking.
I've done acid and shrooms and I cannot even begin to compare them to amanitas. I love tripping, but this experience was something that could have very well ended my existence or left me in a state of psychosis. I've heard that a bad amanita trip doesn't even begin to compare to a bad acid trip and, good God, were they ever right. It was beyond fear. It was a state of utter hopelessness. I thought I was going to be in limbo forever, and a part of me still thinks I'm in limbo and that this life is simply a trip of its own. I think basically I'm a particle of some subatomic state and that my reality is made up of simply my relationship to other particles. I struggled for a long time with whether there were any particles around me, or if I was simply rolling on the curvature of space and time. I wouldn't recommend reading anything about astronomy before tripping. I think Hawking is somewhat to blame for much of the bad aspects of the trip, especially since my state was more on the level of appreciation of shiny things, not much for intellectual contemplation. Had I simply put on the nature channel and relaxed I probably would have been fine. The worst of it was that I forgot I had even eaten the things and was absolutely convinced I had died in my sleep. For all intents and purposes I think I did die, at least on the level that I did leave my body entirely. I was constantly aware of who I was but could not get back into my body during the worst of it. I was hopelessly trapped in the void and still feel that a part of me will always and has always been there. I didn't feel at peace or get back into my body until I accepted that I was alone and that my life and external reality was all an illusion. I still feel sad thinking that all the people around me might simply be creations of my lonely id as it bounces around the cosmos. In any case I feel that I have a much more expansive view of reality and a better grip on it than I did before. I don't think I'm afraid of death anymore, at any rate. Or maybe more afraid of it than ever.
One curious thing. I've always had an irrational fear of spiders and the next morning I found one on my floor. I had picked it up before thinking about it, thinking how odd it was that I didn't recoil from it. I think maybe I experienced all the fear and suffering I could for a while, and just didn't have any further capacity for such things. I still don't know what all happened to me. I have missing pieces and I think some of the things I experienced were simply too painful to remember. I remember having thought that I had contacted entities, but I was too afraid to try and remember them and so left them far behind in my trip.
The memories are fading very quickly, and now, ten hours post trip, it's quickly becoming as if it never happened. I woke up this morning and couldn't believe I was alive. Then I couldn't believe I had actually tripped and halfway wondered if it was all just a bad dream. I wish it were anyways. Then on the other hand I very much cherish the experience. I can't say why but I feel as if I was given a look into something very real, important, and very, very special. Like the serpent said, something only God knows. Whatever I realized I can't remember, it was something that after it happened was immediately without description. It was a feeling, an emotion, something that cannot be put into words. It changed me, however, in ways I can't even begin to understand. I don't feel like the same person I was, and my life before this doesn't seem real. In some way I feel that I have complete control over my reality, in one way or another.
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