Amanitas - A. muscaria
Citation: lalagrey. "Humility and Respect: An Experience with Amanitas - A. muscaria (exp86683)". Erowid.org. Nov 23, 2020. erowid.org/exp/86683
Background info: about 9 months ago I bought about an ounce of amanita from an online vendor. I made a tea with about 8g with little effect and then 12g also with little to no effect over a weekend. I was disappointed and decided that it was unnecessary to pursue it any further at that time. So... here we are in July and I'm ready to try again. This time I buy 30g of grade A+ Amanitas from Washington State.
T+0: I decide to take 2 of these very large caps (weighing roughly 16g total) just before beginning the yard work on a Friday morning. I chew each one for a moment and swallow. The taste isn't bad at all, but isn't pleasant either. I proceed to mow the back yard.
T+1: Feeling nothing yet, so I decide to eat the 3rd of the 4 caps. I eat it just like the last two and move on to mowing the front yard. This puts the total dose at about 20 grams.
T+1.5: I'm still not really feeling anything, so I convince myself that I might as well eat the final cap to guarantee that I get the affects. I continue to finish the lawn. This now puts the total dose at 30g.
T+2: I'm completely finished with the lawn and begin talking to my neighbor's wife briefly. I'm starting to feel mild effects of some kind of dizziness or 'spaced-out'-ness. I'm still not sure if this is the Amanitas or if this is just fatigue from all the sweating I was doing from the yard work (it's about 95F outside and it's only 9am) and I'm tired from not sleeping much the night before. As the conversation continues, I'm beginning to feel more convinced that it's the Amanitas I'm feeling, so we wrap up the conversation, and I head inside. As I begin walking through the hallway inside, I begin to feel the clear momentum of something intense coming on. I'm a little nervous, but have read plenty of reports on various hallucinogens and know that even though I may have taken too high of a dose, I'll be just fine once everything passes.
So, I head into the living room and it hits me. I begin seeing a few flashes of light and then I calmly say to myself 'It's alright, M. There's no turning back now, you're gonna be just fine'... I basically tell myself that I probably took too much, but quickly calm myself into knowing that I can still try to enjoy as much of the experience as possible. I proceed to completely black out.
T+3?: I regain consciousness and feel nauseated and like I need to vomit. I don't have any real memory of what happened in the last two hours, all I know is that I was in my living room and now I'm working my way into the bedroom. I'm not the kind of guy to just go off exploring in this kind of mind, so I'm pretty sure that I had just been passed out on the floor and now wanted to get into my bed. I work nights, so right now I've probably been awake for 18+ hours and am wanting to sleep anyways.
T+5?: I don't really know what's happening. I see flashes of light every once in awhile. I know I'm on the floor in my room beside the couch. I try to lift my head up, but I can't. I'm literally grounded. My body must way a billion pounds or the force of gravity is just incredibly intensified. I become overly aware of a kink in my neck and worry that something is broken.
T+6: At this point I basically jump back into consciousness with one thought: WATER. I see a gallon jug I have laying across the room and decide to crawl over to it and drink some. I'm still under heavy affect of the Amanitas. As I begin to crawl over to it, I realize something for the first time: my body is twitching like I have never experienced in my life. I mean the closest comparison I can think of is what it would be like to have a seizure or to be struck by lighting. Every 2 seconds or so as I try to move toward the water, the entire body is hit with a pulse of energy so strong that it throws my entire balance off and puts me face down on the ground.
T+7?: I finally get to the water (which was only about 10 feet away!) and begin drinking. I'm still experiencing the intense twitching, so I can't just drink the water without jerking and splashing some everywhere every few seconds. I decide I should go to bathroom I stand up and keep getting hit by these pulses which completely shock my body each time they hit. I finally give up on getting to the bathroom and just go in my pants. I'm talking myself through this the entire time. This is the first time I start to actually enjoy the experience. I laugh as I talk to myself saying 'I just peed my pants with pleasure' ... I was a bed wetter until 23 so the experience was always uncomfortable and negative. This time I just laughed and laughed and actually felt incredible and oddly refreshed in my wet pants. I drink more water and at some point get into the bathroom and take care of some more serious business, that I don't want in my pants. It was extremely difficult to accomplish this task, because the twitching continued and my mind was become more alert and was beginning to process pieces of material reality and the subconscious reality of my thoughts. I was passing back and forth between the two realities with each pulse/twitch.
T+8: I'm back on the couch in my room. This is when I start to really feel some presences that are external to my own. For the first time in my life, I don't identify my voice with the voice in my head, but I identify it as the voice of The Spirit ... or, because I come from a Christian background, The Holy Spirit. The Spirit was with me, talking... calming me. I become reassured by the Spirit that I have in fact died, but that I can walk through heaven with it. I feel absolute bliss and euphoria for awhile and even repeat to myself in my own voice 'This is Heaven, This is Heaven' ... The Spirit is now with a community of others that I can't see but I can sense them nearby and hear their voices. We're outside, standing in a very bright light by the Chicken Coop that I built last week. I don't exactly know why we're here, but the community of voices tell me: 'God exists and you can talk to the face if you would like' ... I panic, thinking that if I were to see the face of God I would implode into the nothingness that I comparatively am to the creator. So I tell them 'No. Not only am I afraid, but I also am unworthy.'
At this point I reach back into my Christian paradigm and ask for the only thing I feel I'm worthy of that has the potential to offer me a any sort of divine revelation: The Son of God. I know this can sound a bit lame and dogmatic, but this is how the experience happened. I began almost shouting politely 'The Son of God. The Son of God. The Son of God.' I felt that I could be worthy of his presence and The Spirit tells me 'Ok.' At this point I begin having a very real psychedelic experience of more and more flashes of light and realizations about my life. I see from the ground of the Chicken Coop arise a giant Amanita Muscaria. Flashes of light turn the just arisen Amanita into a silhouette and I hear something along the lines of 'You have just experienced heaven and transcended death and the sacred mushroom will take you there again if you ever need or want.' I had recently been talking to someone about John Allegro Scott and had watched the documentary 'The Pharmacratic Inquisition' online, which is where I believe this came from in my subconscious mind.
T+9?: I'm finally coming back at this point but I'm still twitching in away where I am questioning whether or not I've done some permanent damage to my nervous system. I mean my entire body is still literally pulsing every few seconds. I have bruises on my left arm, right hip, and left hip and don't know where they came from. The motion of my right leg is very limited right now. The Spirit is still with me and actually tells me 'You will have twitching for at least 1 day. And hiccups too.'
The Spirit is still with me and actually tells me 'You will have twitching for at least 1 day. And hiccups too.'
I don't know if this was some sort of joke or what... but it was right.
T+10: At this point I'm conscious enough to know that I made it through alright, but am still conflicted over whether I enjoyed the experience or whether I'm still in the experience. I seriously do have the hiccups like I've never had them before. It seems to have replaced the majority of the body twitching. My legs ache, but I'm so grateful to be moving back into the sober mind. I walk around the house a little bit, drink some more water and go outside to check on the chicken. It's probably about 10pm at night now. I'm still not sure if I've slept at all today, even though I was unconscious and basically hammered to the floor for most of it. I decide to go inside and sleep a little and send off a text message to a co-worker.
T+11: I'm able to sleep in short 1 to 3 hour spurts, which isn't uncommon for me. I'm experiencing very lucid dreams, lots of flashes of light and a hallucination that clearly was derived from having watched the series finally of Lost two days ago. In the hallucination, I'm back outside in this bright white lit area where the chicken coop is. The voices are there and the Iraqi character Sayid keeps coming to mind. The great Amanita that emerged from the ground of the coop earlier has been moved and The Spirit wants us to put it back, but we're having difficulty putting it back. This is very much like the rock inside the cave that the characters in Lost have to protect. We keep having difficulty achieving this and I wake up again.
T+14: I'm very alert now and am able to make a grammatically and syntactically correct text message (unlike the last one) to the same co-worker. I decide I need some food, since I probably haven't had any in about 18 hours. I drive over to the gas station and get some milk and zingers. Most of the twitching seems to be gone & the hiccups are pretty much gone by now too. I head back home and start wondering if I should sleep or not. I notice moonlight outside and decide to go sit out in it for awhile. After an hour or so, I head back in and head to bed for some inconsistent and uncomfortable sleep that is filled with unremembered flashes of light and lucid dreaming. The experience appears to be over by now... and I am grateful.
Afterthoughts: I woke up the next morning at 5am and had some pretty intense anxiety. I experience anxiety fairly regularly though and wasn't too concerned about it. It's been 3 days now since the experience and I have still had some pretty intense anxiety hovering around, but I really believe this is related to other conditions in my life. I can say that I'm still not sure if the experience was worth it, because while there were moments of bliss, the intensity of some of the fear I had to assuage seemed unnecessary. It's obvious to me from the experience that I still have a deep attachment to my Christian roots and a belief in the Trinity. My psychological makeup finds deep comfort and security in them and I feel the experience is a sort of call to move back into that comfort in order to avoid a lot of unnecessary anxiety / suffering in my life. Now I feel humility pouring back into me, where I just want to stop and ask people how they are and what they're up to, etc. This experience actually allowed me to let go of me in a way that I never had and it was certainly valuable.
If I ever did this mushroom again, I would probably take 10g, maybe 12g. This experience has caused me to realize the silliness of consuming a hallucinogen to escape me. I'm pretty convinced now that all I want to do is live a simple, quiet life of three meals per day with 8-10 hours of sleep, some regular exercise, plenty of action (on projects), and stronger focus at work. The fear I experienced and negative portions of the trip were unnecessary... and that's a major realization I'm having now. It's tough for someone like me to convince myself 'This is it, make the best of it.' each day and actually have the motivation to get up and get things done, but I feel like I'm closer to that now more than ever.
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