Citation: Seven Up. "Thrusted in the Dark Void: An Experience with 4-Acetoxy-DiPT & 4-Acetoxy-DET (exp8573)". Erowid.org. Aug 9, 2002. erowid.org/exp/8573
This dream occured a couple of months ago. For some reasons, at the time i could not publish a report about it; now it has become possible.
Out of boredom – no one to hang with and nothing to do – I decided to take an entertaining amount of iprocetyl. However it crossed my mind that iprocetyl, despite its fun and mellowness, was a relatively uneventful experience (at least at 15-18 mg) . I decided to add something to increase the sparkliness of the experience – I added 5mg of 4AcO-DET to the 12 mg of iprocetyl I intended to take ( I wanted to do 18mg of iprocetyl but settled for only 12 because I was going to mix it with something else). This happened at home, at midnight, mother sleeping, all lights off. I prepared a videotape of “Pink Floyd live at Pomepi” to watch and listen to while I’ll be high.
After 20 minutes with the music (solo guitar on “Echoes”), I started to feel the sensual (sexual) pleasure of the music in my pehlvic region and at the kidney level. This sensation increased to a general state of physical well being bordering on the orgasmic – the iprocetyl was definitely enhanced by the music ( or was it the other way round ?). The well being turned into physical ecstasy, I got up up from the couch and started dancing with the music.
After 40-45 minutes I noticed something was changing, my mind was less ecstatic and becoming increasingly introspective. Ideas started to flow by themselves, faster and faster. The 4AcO-DET had taken hold. I wasn’t expecting that fast and quick onset. It kept building up. The blue-grey persian carpet looked ominous. This was becoming sinister. It completely overpowered the iprocetyl. Ideas flowed so quick that I had the impression that the 4AcO-DET wanted to dissolve my ego. I kept resisting to this which of course only made it worse, this was going too far, not what I wanted. I tried to keep calm and saying to myself “ok man, nothing is happening, you’re just at home and a bit more fucked up than you wanted”. But waves of fear would keep arising. After about 20min since it came on, I started to feel very agitated and fearful that something might go wrong. I was alone and lonely, in the dark, at night. I felt the horror of being thrusted in a dark void. Loneliness and horror was all there was around me. Fear was turning into terror.
I started to feel that everything (read : every bad thing imaginable) could happen, nothing really hinders one from doing aweful things. The idea that I could kill my mother then kill myself and then just jump off the window (ok technically if I kill myslef I can’t jump off the window but I wasn’t functionning properly then as you may have guessed ) and that there was nothing really hindering this crossed my mind. When I realized what kind of grim and threatening ideas were flowing through my brain I was on the brink of panic. Mental limits were just dissolving.
Then it would calm down. 4AcO-DET, like psilocybin, works in a wave-like manner. You think you’ve come down, and 30 sec later there you are, swirled up in another psychedelic storm. That’s what happened. I went into my room completely shivering from fear and laid on my bed. I didn’t want my mother to wake up and found me with dilated sheeny pupils with terrorized owl eyes. I started thinking about my friends and how much I wanted them to be with me right now, and how much I cared for them. Actually I could visualize them in my mind but they would appear as beautiful as greek gods and all shiny which they are absolutely not in reality. I think this was an expression of my love for them. There was a lot of sleepy-trance-thought-drift . As if in a dream… or a nightmare. Once again this is very psilocybin-like.
I understood the importance of love for humans. Without it there is only the dark void of loneliness and horror. The outrageous and hideous horror of loneliness in its full blow. Thinking about my friends gave me a bit of comfort but not enough to counteract the fear that was assaulting me. I thought about taking a xanax maybe would calm me down so I dropped a tab (250mcg). Maybe it helped a bit but I was still scared. I thought about music, but everything I played sounded devilish. I turned the light on in my room and I noticed that the brightness of the lamp as well as the colours were much more pronounced than usual. Red especially was brighter than usual – brighter but not sparkly yet. This felt threatening.
Finally I decided to ring a friend of mine. Fortunately he was there. The minute I heard his voice I said in a hurry “man it’s me, I’m having a bad trip help me – do you love me ? please say it !”. He kept very cool and calm and I spent a whole hour speaking with him on the phone. He would only speak about trivial and mostly funny things and it helped me a lot to calm down. Fear was still there but much more manageable. During the phone conversation I had uncomfortable tremors and severe jaw tightening so that i spent roughly an hour talking by moving only my lips ! After an hour we hanged up. That was the T+3h point since I swallowed the 4AcO-DET. I felt the xanax helped but it took an hour to display its effects, anyway the comedown was made easier.
I learned from this experience the importance of love : without it there’s only a dark void of terror and horror and loneliness. Loneliness… I now understand FULLY what’s so bad and threatening and absolutely devastating about it: loneliness – the real one ! not the one you choose - is a gateway towards nought and annihilation. Love in all its more or less diluted forms ( friendship, family, romantic end/or sexual partners, pets, etc…) is a “si ne qua non” for human being to live in this universe. There is no insignficant love, no matter how unimportant it may seem to one. It is very relevant to me that all psychedelic experiences are polarized around the Love-Fear axis. There is no such thing as a hate trip – it would turn into a bad trip very quickly. Ultimately there’s only Love and Fear. Love, bliss, and trust : one doesn’t go without the others. Without them, there’s only loneliness fear and horror. Every love is a sparkle of light and its lack is a mold for darkness and fear. That can sound a bit soppish – “Love“ hmm another dirty word ! – but I can assure anyone that now I know because I have experience it in my flesh what the lack of love means and how much it is important to be surrounded by people you love or who love you. This of course doesn’t have anything to do with “Enlightment” whatsoever. Sorry it’s not my type : I don’t believe in achieveing “Enlightment” by popping pills or powders…
On a less metaphysical level, I also learned that 4AcO-DET unlike iprocetyl is a strong mindblower very much like psilocybin, although a bit darker and more ominous. It is not a mellow entertainer/boredom-breaker like iprocetyl and can seriously kick your ass (that’s an understatement !!!): 5mg were just enough to show me what hell was all about (it’s true however that the iprocetyl may have amplified its effects). Respect and caution are needed.
One final comment: as for iprocetyl being an entertaining drug, i think it is wise not to forget Ann Shulgin's words : 'There is no insignificant psychedelic experience'...
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