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We Exist
by candle
Citation:   candle. "We Exist: An Experience with DMT (exp85721)". Erowid.org. Mar 4, 2018. erowid.org/exp/85721

1 bowl smoked Damiana
  1 bowl smoked DMT


A bit about my trippy past: I've smoked the ganja for about 5 years. Mushrooms about 8 times, Acid about 15 times, Mescaline twice, LSA twice, MDMA once, Ketamine once, and a light DMT dose once.

So I took a couple puffs of a deemster joint about a year ago... It was crazy, but I still hadn't gone all the way. I hadn't 'broken through' as they say in DMT-lingo. Even though I was still somewhat connected to this reality it took a good 10 minutes after the experience ended to make sure that I was still the same person. It scared me a lot. It was a month before I decided I would be willing to do it again, but none had been around.

Until last night. (about a year later)

A friend got some generic smoking herb (damiana?) infused with DMT extracted from mimosa, so a few of us went to his house to try it out. Me and 3 friends sit down and roll a deemster joint. We pass it around, and each take a couple of puffs. I notice that my friends are taking little girly puffs. They have no breathing\smoking technique! We all got to the first stages of a DMT trip. Significant body high, minor visuals, and that sense of imminent death. The people I was with took their little mouthfuls of smoke and exhaled quickly. That's not how I do things. =D Next time the joint came around I breathed deeply a couple of times to oxygenate my lungs, then I exhaled as fully as I could before beginning to suck on the joint. I took a looong slooow hit, and held it in for as long as I could.

I got pretty freaking high, and found myself face to face with this faceted greenish wall or sheet. It undulated and oscillated, superimposed with triangles and gears. This sheet in front of me seemed thin, though. I had a feeling that immediately behind the sheet (which visually was about 6 inches away from me) was a vast space. After a few minutes I came back down, still not having 'broken through.' I intended to.

We took a break, visited some friends who lived near by, and came back later that night to smoke some more. This time we loaded a bowl into a glass pipe. My friends passed the pipe around with me last. Each one of them took a couple of tiny puffs, and exhaled white smoke immediately. All of them felt effects, but no more than before.

I decided to demonstrate the zen of smoking. They were talking amongst themselves as I accepted the pipe. I breathed slowly and deeply a few times, exhaled fully, and torched the whole bowl as I veerrry slowly inhaled. I kept the bowl cherried for 30 seconds, inhaling slowly the entire time, and leaned back in my chair, holding my breath. I felt it coming on fast and I wasn't even close to exhaling! With a roaring sound in my ears, I realized that I was about to see what this stuff was all about.

I exhaled, leaned back, and my chair broke. It was my friends house, and at first he was pissed and said something to me about it, but I was on the way out of this world, and barely heard him. With no chair, I stumbled forward, then sat down on the cement, and rolled to a laying position. It wasn't a choice - this stuff knocked me to my feet. I heard one of my friends say, 'Ohh look at him.' noticing that I was being blasted to hyperspace. I must have had a crazy look on my face. I was not on earth anymore, my mouth was wide open.

Unfortunately it wasn't exactly pleasant...

I spent probably the next 5 minutes in some form of personal hell. I remembered God from my Catholic school childhood, and realized that with the ignorance of that age held innocence, and I knew that I had drifted far away from that innocence. I was being punished, and I knew I deserved it. I was in a personal Hell and felt I would be there for eternity. I did not think I was coming back - how could I ever be the same?
I was in a personal Hell and felt I would be there for eternity. I did not think I was coming back - how could I ever be the same?
I was swimming through geometric chaos intertwined with poignant and emotional imagery from my past. GOD! God did this to me! God finally had enough of my shit and decided to fuck me up. I did NOT expect this. GOD!! I DID NOT EXPECT THIS.

GOD!! God it's my fault!! This carnival of terror seemed like a fitting and deserved ending for my wasted selfish life. I realized that I would never be the same again and would not be capable of functioning in society. I would end up in a mental institution, living in this perpetual hell while my family occasionally came for tearful visits. Holy fuck. I managed to say, 'Don't do DMT' to my friends, and never have I been more serious.

We exist? We exist? We can never experience death... Death is no experience, so you can come close, but you can't ever experience nonexperience. I came as close as you could, maybe I even went through it, but how could I know? I am alive - I am not-death. I was sitting on the edge of death. It was like I perpetually hadn't existed the moment before, and was constantly sitting on that moment. I was in a constant state of just-coming-into-existence. WE EXIST? WHAT THE FUCK?

I apparently yelled the words 'GOD,' 'FUCK,' and 'DMT' several times.

I could hear my friends (Friends? They 'exist?' I 'exist?' 'Exist?' WTF!?!?) having a conversation.
One said, 'Well we don't use most of our brain...'
Another, 'Maybe that's what happened to him? He just opened it up and got flooded.'

They were talking about me. I was rolling on the ground with my face in my elbow... But I was returning, sort of. I got to my feet after a few seconds said, 'Be right back...' I walked inside for the change of scenery, and laid face down on the floor. :-p

I called my sister who I had invited to come by that night but she couldn't make it. I said, 'I love you. Don't do this stuff.' she said, 'I love you too. Okay.' And we said bye and hung up...

Another 5 minutes and I walked back outside and sat with my friends... We talked a bit about what I had just experienced which was exceedingly difficult due to the indescribable nature of the experience compounded with the fact that I was still tripping. Balzz. I kept saying, 'Dude it was just... Fuck... I don't fucking know.'
And my friend would say, 'You mean you don't remember?'
'No I remember.. It's just.. I don't know.'
'Tell us something - a word.'
'We.... Exist. When the fuck did that happen?'
'Well how was it?'
'Flush that shit down the toilet.'

I was still tripping. I still felt as if I would never be the same - I felt like I had just been born into the moment, like I literally had never existed before. It was scary as fuck, and I thought 'I'll never be the same person again, regardless of whether or not I stop tripping!*'

*That part is true.

About 20 minutes later I was pretty much back to normal, laughing at normal stuff, holding normal conversations conversations. I realized that my DMT experience was terrifying but amazing, and retrospectively a gratifying experience. I was too hasty when told them not to do it, to throw it away... (Obviously they didn't.) In fact I realized that I'd be willing to do it again the next night. (tonight :-p)

I've come to the realization that there is life after death from many different angles in the past: religion, drugs, philosophy, logical rationalization of the nature of consciousness... NEVER has it been shoved in my face so hard that reality, existence, consciousness, *I* am eternal, that I am alive for eternity, as it was under the influence of DMT. There is no such thing as death. There is no such thing as death. There is no such thing as death. I KNOW this.

DMT is crazy. I still don't know what the fuck happened.

I think DMT is a good thing. I took a massive amount and I'm in a strange place mentally anyway. Most people's experiences aren't as unpleasant as mine was at the time. Either way, I'm glad I did it and will probably do it again tonight. Maybe it won't be so rough the second time around. It was life changing and I am a different person. I wasn't ready.

Exp Year: 2010ExpID: 85721
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 21 
Published: Mar 4, 2018Views: 13,731
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DMT (18) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Train Wrecks & Trip Disasters (7), Difficult Experiences (5), First Times (2)

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