Citation: Andy R. "Did I Pass the Acid Test?: An Experience with LSD (exp84824)". Erowid.org. Aug 12, 2020. erowid.org/exp/84824
Did I pass the acid test?
First I must say, that I did acid at a time in my life when I probably should not have been messing with my psyche. But then again, is there ever really a “right” time to drop acid?
The year leading up to me dropping acid was one of monumental change. I finished my Arts degree, and worked a mind-numbing, spirit-crushing job in Accounting. The job was absolutely dull, so I started to use a lot of Cocaine and other Amphetamines (Adderal, Ritalin, etc) and got heavily involved in the party scene. After 8 months, of wild partying (and always coming back to the same bland cubicle) I realized it wasn’t the Life for me, and took off traveling. I volunteered in India, then I went on an 8000 km road trip with my brother, and we lived in Toronto for a couple of months. Toronto wasn’t the place for me, and I returned to my hometown, unsure of who I was.
I worked a mediocre retail job for a while, then quit, and have since been unemployed, just sort of living, applying for jobs. In meditation, I realized that my true passion is in the realm of skin care, and I hope to become a dermatologist or cosmetic researcher. Anyways, I was slowly starting to figure out my life, and basically am just trying to kill the next 5 months before going back to school… but the next 5 months is filled with absolute uncertainty… what will I do to pass the time? Will I find a decent summer job? Right now, everything is Open. And the Openness/Uncertainty seemed to have a profound effect on my psyche while on Acid.
Anyways… it was at this point in my life when I dropped Acid.
I dropped it with my brother and my “partner-in-crime,” G. Two wonderful people that I absolutely adore.
We each took 2 hits of acid, then did a gram of cocaine (between 3 of us) and waited for the acid to kick in. When it kicked in, I was absolutely floored. We ended up lying on the ground, starring at the ceiling, which was moving around a lot. The visuals were amazing, almost overwhelming. The entire world seemed to be moving.
The first part of my acid trip was filled with beauty and wonder… but then, suddenly, everything changed, and I became fixated on Time. Perhaps it was because I took another hit of acid.
I got caught in some sort of psychological loop, where I was concerned that I would always be caught in the Acid universe, as I have “nothing to do” and “no reason to not be high.” I became paranoid, because my brother and my partner-in-crime both have jobs, and I felt like I had nothing.
I ended up curled up in my bed, freaking out.
Then for a while, I was a bit better. I really enjoyed the visuals, but felt really confused about how I had gotten to G’s place. We spent a while staring at collages, and looking at a beautiful view of downtown from his high rise.
Then I got really nervous about what people would think of me being high on acid, and I started to, sort of…. lose consciousness in a way?
My bro and G were experienced trippers, so they sort of calmed me down, but I kept getting caught in mind loops, where I would circle the same ideas again and again and again. It was mentally exhausting.
I would circle the same ideas again and again and again. It was mentally exhausting.
I kept asking them the same questions for 3 hours.
After a while, I settled down, and we hung out in G’s room, listening to music. I rummaged around the kitchen for food, and was fascinated with the granola bar I found. I ate it, and then ate some cereal.
Then I went back to the bedroom and fed G cereal. After I touched him, I realized he was totally mushy. Then I became obsessed with the fact that G didn’t have bones. I kept asking, “Where are your bones?” or “You lost your bones!”
Then me and G started to fool around, and I told him he could maybe take my Acid virginity, but I wasn’t sure, then we fooled around and had sex, and after both said it was “Weird.” And it was weird, as the Acid made me feel really, really good physically, but sex wasn’t quite like sex normally is, visually… it felt very Real and Raw, almost too real.
Perhaps it was because G’s eyes were bugging out of his face, or maybe it was because the Acid seemed to highlight every pore on his face.
Whenever I went to the washroom or saw a mirror, my face looked totally messed up. I couldn’t even recognize myself. My face would always be contorted or stretching randomly.
I felt like G couldn’t like me, because while on Acid, I saw myself as being an absolutely unattractive blob. When I looked at him, he usually looked fine, but my face was swollen and covered with acne, and I was really, really swollen and fat overall (today I look fine!).
After a while of talking with G and my bro, I became fixated on all the scars on my body. I was a self-mutilator for about 7 years (haven’t done it in a long time), so I have hundreds of scars. I realized that the scars were really “self-hatred” and that my body was infected with the virus of “self-loathing.” Then I started crying, and G held me, and I just said, “Look at me, I’m nothing but Hatred.”
Then I started to try to bite off my scars, and I wanted a knife to slice them off, so I could remove the Hatred, but G convinced me that was a very bad idea, and I agreed.
Then in my mind, I was in a different Universe, it was an alternate reality, almost Narnia Like. I kept meeting different Demonic forms of myself. They were very menacing and cruel, and I think a Demon-self snatched my Identity at one point. I was very, very scared. G was sort of in the alternate universe too, and we’d meet up on trails randomly. The universe was very forest-like.
G passed out after a while, perhaps around 7 am. I tried to sleep, but couldn’t, because my mind was hallucinating in the Alternate universe, then me and my brother went back to my apartment. We were sketched out for a long time, and we cleaned up the entire apartment.
Perhaps we made a mistake, but in an attempt to sleep, we both took about 4 Gravol pills.
Then we went on a bizarre walk, and were still hallucinating. We weren’t ready to “Deal with money” so we avoided all stores. The wind was blowing heavily and it was a rather miserable day out, so we ended up walking back, admiring the trees, which were filled with intricate and beautiful patterns.
We kept saying, “Think about how much more messed up we felt 2 hours ago. I wonder if we’ll feel better in another 2 hours…” But we kept feeling the same way, mostly, still hallucinating. The Acid seemed to come in waves… near sobriety, then total tripping.
He left at 3 pm (we dropped acid at 9 pm the day before), I was still very high, and unable to sleep. I started to truly freak out, and at one point, I had no idea who I Was.
I spent most of the next 12 hours pacing in my apartment, trying to figure out who I was. I literally lost all of my memories. I tried to think about what I would normally do, but I couldn’t remember who I was… I wasn’t even sure what my name was.
My brother had gone home, and I was slowly starting to put the pieces together. It was interesting, because I could actually see a puzzle in the mind, and I would put a piece into the puzzle. I thought that if I could finish the puzzle, I wouldn’t be High anymore, and I could return back to the way things were. I was still hallucinating wildly, freaked out what I would NEVER BE ABLE TO SLEEP. Whenever I closed my eyes, I’d hallucinate, and see random images, or random things.
Then I got a PHONE CALL from someone who randomly played a trick on me. The voicemail said, “This is your secret admirer, do you know who I am…” I started to really freak out, then this person kept sending me messages, giving clues about their identity, saying we had met before. I was concerned that I had met him the night I did acid, but that I had no recollection of him at all (turns out it was an old friend that had tracked down my number and decided to call on Saturday, haha).
I absolutely lost my mind, and became very paranoid, and afraid to go outside, afraid of… the World, I guess? I kept thinking that, “I’ll never be able to handle the world.” I was also very concerned about what people would think. After I realized that my fear of what people think has been preventing me from living life fully--so it was almost like the acid was helping me metaphorically figure out my psyche.
While sort of coming down from acid, I kept on having flashbacks of the trip, and the clouds in the sky seemed to be flying towards me, and the entire city below (I live in a high rise apartment) had become cartoon like. The ceiling was covered in bugs, and everything was spinning. Then for a moment I’d be sober, but then I’d start tripping again. I felt like I was caught in a loop again.
Then my partner came over, and said I was in bed, freaking out/being very upset. He kept saying that “I’d be fine.”
After a while, G left, and said, “Just sleep.” Instead, I just kept freaking out, looking at my distorted face in the mirror… it was the most exhausting several hours of my life. I kept getting caught in mental loops, and I couldn’t remember who I was. I could NOT FUNCTION not knowing who I was. I just couldn’t Face the World. I felt like I had lost myself, and that I would never come back.
Then I decided that I needed to go to the gym in my apartment complex. I went on the elliptical for 30 minutes. It felt great to be doing something that required the bravery of leaving my place. I started to realize that no one noticed that I was messed up, and that I was only messed up inside… and that maybe I should worry less about what others think, because most people are pretty self-focused anyways…
I eventually called my brother and he said, “Put yourself in a good state of mind… you don’t want it to end… you have to choose… YOU JUST HAVE TO MAKE IT STOP. IT’S OVER! Just fucking sleep! Close your eyes and stare at the darkness!” Turns out he was still tripping on acid, and thought I was at his place at the time, haha.
So I spent the next while (how long I don’t know), talking in my mind. Various faces and images kept trying to overcome the darkness, and I’d mentally scream, “STOP ACID, STOP!” Then whenever I breathed in, I’d think, “SLEEP” and when I breathed out, I’d scream, “STOP ACID!”
Then I realized, I had to get back to the basics. I had to re-start, so I started with the basics of humanity: sex and sleep. So, I’d masturbate, then try to summon sleep. I just kept following this cycle. For hours? I’m not sure, all I know, is it seemed to be working.
I also kept thinking positive. I kept telling myself that I am way stronger than I think… that I am amazing and beautiful and that I can do anything if I try hard enough.
Eventually the darkness took over my mind, and this darkness was Sleep. I had to pray to sleep, and succumb to it’s power…. I had to “let go” and give full control of my mind to sleep.
Then I woke up gasping, maybe 10-12 hours later, to my alarm clock (which I set earlier, so that I would think I had “something to do” in the morning, and that was return to office hours and apply for jobs) clutching my pillow, and crying.
I had a text from my partner that said, “Call me.”
So I called him, completely freaked out, as I seemed to have had lost all of my memories of my Life.
So he came over, and I felt like I didn’t know who he was anymore, that we didn’t know each other. I felt like I didn’t know myself, or what my life was about. I felt like I had lost G as a friend, and that things would never be the same.
He looked really sad and said, “I still feel the same about you, Andy. I really like you.”
Then we hugged each other, and suddenly I realized that I was stronger than I thought, and BAM, my life came back!
Now I feel a bit frazzled (probably more tired, gotta catch up on my sleep schedule!), but excited for the future! It’s gonna be great! I learned a lot about myself, and I Faced my Demons.
Will I drop acid again? Probably, but not for a very long time! Not until I’m a bit further along on my path, right now I’m just treading the water in the depth that is my Life.
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