Citation: Arsenal. "The Modern Captain Ahab: An Experience with Oxymorphone & Clonazepam (exp83802)". Erowid.org. Nov 14, 2015. erowid.org/exp/83802
My life can be reduced to two feelings; one of warmth, euphoria, bliss incarnate, and devoid of care. The other feeling is not sought after, as it solely revolves around not feeling the feeling I get from opiates. I have come up with many rationalizations to do anything and everything to feel this way. However, it all seemed so much simpler when I was just a lost youth trying to feel normal for once.
I began by smoking weed when I was 16. Now, I have always had a curious fascination with the idea of drugs. I mean, to experience a shift in conscious thought...how does that not fill the head with the wonder and mystery that droll life seems to lack? Either way, I have always had problems with socializing the way most people do. They seem to get immeasurable joy out of the most mundane conversations. And, to this day, I have met only a handful of people that captivate my attention and cause me to 'want' to be social. Ironically, weed seemed to give me this carefree, might-as-well just have fun attitude. In other words, I could turn off the cynicism and find talking about nothing interesting.
Naturally, I begin smoking weed daily. I revolve myself around pothead friends. This is when things become the norm: smoke pot all day, drink whenever, and never turn down a new experience. I eventually found myself doing coke whenever it was offered, but never buying it. My position was that hard drugs were controlled simply by not purchasing them, and this worked. However, I was introduced one night to a fat line of Oxy. I was floored with euphoria! It was harmless, though, right?! I wasn't going to buy it, after all.
Fast forward to weed leaving me empty inside. I had begun an emotionally insane relationship a couple of months before this happened, too. Then, like the perfect storm: I had found a reliable, cheap connection of Oxy. Before I found this, it was just weed all day, and turning to psychedelics to see what else was there (LSD, shrooms, ecstasy). I began embracing a new-found euphoria, and started feeling alive again. I could throw down some pills, go about business, feel on top of the world, and nobody was the wiser. This is the biggest part of how my use came to be instantly habitual: I was the life of the party, I had the feeling I needed to use my charm, wit, and humor when I would have been bored otherwise by the people around me.
This is the biggest part of how my use came to be instantly habitual: I was the life of the party, I had the feeling I needed to use my charm, wit, and humor when I would have been bored otherwise by the people around me.
And so, I began a secret life of opiate abuse instantly.
This habit of taking about 20-30 mgs of Oxy daily for short binges goes on for about 3-4 months. I had control and I had the feeling I wanted. It was perfect. Then, I finally had the chance to try heroin. I had wanted to try this ever since my first experience with opiates. A nice-sized bump of light brown powder went up my nostril; the feeling grew and grew to unknown heights of pleasure, eventually leading to the best sleep of my life later that night. The ability to sleep was always a big draw of opiates, as well, since I have had insomnia since around age 16-17. I used weed first for sleep, then oxy, and then began using 4 mgs of Klonopin to sleep every night. I was still hunting that feeling every day with just as much zeal as the first time.
The relationship with my girlfriend became increasingly insane with my opiate/benzo abuse coming full-circle. New people came over to the house, our sex life was based around my usage (well, non-usage), and it was becoming obvious to the person I spent my daily life with that I had changed, or at least my priorities had. Hell, when my binges started becoming increasingly draining on my mood upon cessation, benzos were all that made me want to get up and pretend to society I didn't have a problem. I began delving deeper and deeper into my habits; opiates shifted from binges to life itself. I found oxymorphone and it was as good as over from there.
My relationship fell apart, and I became severely depressed that I had run away my best friend with mood swings and neglect. Worse yet, I was too fucked up to even give a shit at the time...I still regret not having the humility to try and do anything to have kept that person in my life. You know, like putting aside this never-ending crusade to feel 'good'. However, I merely convinced myself that control was still mine. I kept going full speed ahead, and didn't even stop to blink.
It would take me losing another amazing woman to realize I'm wreaking irreparable consequences on people who love me. However, my ability to keep this a complete secret from this woman still makes me feel ill. I would always have an excuse for anything that seemed slightly off, and she loved me enough to believe anything I said. I would keep sniffing oxymorphone daily, and my tolerance was getting out of hand. I had gone from 10-20 mg a day and getting floored...to doing 30-40 mg to feel anything resembling a nod, and upwards of 100 mg daily. Klonopin addiction was a gorilla on my back by this point, too. I was a slave to all the feelings I had so relentlessly pursued.
I feel like the next memory is a sort of pittance for my actions, as it is the conversation that broke me down to nothing. Oh, and this woman I was seeing had become my new best friend, as I had known her since I was 17 (now 20) and we have always had an interesting relationship. Suffice it to say, it all blew up in my face. I had made the choice to do opiates and benzos on this day of spring break (surprise!), but I had to keep face and see her, too. Whatever. I mean, I already live a double life. Same old, same old. Then, like night was day, her suspicions about something being off became clear reality to her. I was just too fucked up that night...and she could see through my constricted pupils to my empty soul. I could've kept the lie going, but I just decided to give her the respect I never had.
I think that will be what always lingers in my mind: the way I hurt people close to me without even flinching. The look on her face as I told her how her 'suspicion' was not only justified, but far more ludicrous than she could have ever known...I swear her mouth was agape as her complete trust in me dissolved to nothingness. It was putting that point of no return into words; the admission that I had forsaken everyone for this all-consuming desire to feel that beautiful warmth and safety...the things I had with people.
I don't know why I had to go down this path. I saw that beautiful white whale on the horizon, and never struggled to hunt it. I was blinded with an Ahab-like zeal, both enamored and tortured by my obsession. You can chase the whale as long as you want to. You won't be 'the one' to survive the battle, though.
[Reported Substances: 'Oxymorphone (IV, Insufflated), Oxycodone (ER, IR), Hydrocodone, Heroin, Klonopin']
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