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Twisting, Schizophrenia, and Ego Death
Mushrooms - P. cubensis
by Gretzky
Citation:   Gretzky. "Twisting, Schizophrenia, and Ego Death: An Experience with Mushrooms - P. cubensis (exp83747)". Erowid.org. Dec 10, 2015. erowid.org/exp/83747

 
DOSE:
2 g oral Vitamin C (liquid)
  3.5 g oral Mushrooms - P. cubensis  

BODY WEIGHT: 145 lb


Had a tro [eighth] of cubes, two very nice specimens, one about 50% larger than the other. Crushed 2000mg of vitamin C, mixed with oj, crushed smaller one with my fingers and stirred in, let soak about 20 min. Chugged when madré finally went to bed - about 12 at night. Waited until about 1, and since I was nice and high but lacking visuals, decided to go for the gusto and did the same with the larger one but with 1000mg of C and a much larger glass of oj, this time not letting it soak.

Ran to the bathroom shortly after since my gut was getting very angry. I proceeded to purge my bladder and intestines of all liquid within. *note: this combo on an empty stomach gave me a serious case of the squirts.

First visuals noticed while in the bathroom. A light-red fuzzy dogtooth pattern appeared out of the dark-red tile, hovering just above it and slowly flowing into the corner of the floor. I tried making it go in another direction, like morning glory seeds would let me control the visuals, but to no avail. I was mesmerized and giggly, since I was finally experiencing my first REAL trip, not counting the approx. ten *very intense* salvia trips previously undertaken.

As I was having the time of my life, the flowing kept growing with intensity, and I soon noticed different fuzzy patterns floating above surfaces all around the tiny bathroom. As the intensity all around me kept growing, I realized I was only getting started on my journey, so I did my best to empty the rest of my insides, and as I grabbed the tp and folded it, it appeared and felt like it was turning inside out on itself in my hand. Really odd sensation, but I immediately recognised it as I have seen many trip videos showing the same phenomenon. I tried to put it aside and wipe, but the same sensation moved to my ass making it very strange to simply wipe, so I quickly went over many times and hurried to my room to jump in bed since I always felt safest in the warmth and comfort.

This part gets fuzzy so I'll skip to the most memorable aspects.
I tried walking around and washing my hands, eating some candy and whatnot to ease the anxiety. But the strongest urge was to sleep, so I went back to bed.

As the peak was getting near, the same feeling that I experienced in my hand with the tp was now consuming my whole being. It was if whatever position I turned to, the whole universe and my body was turning inside on itself. I became very distressed and the flipping only grew more intense- faster, faster, and in more, and more-uncomfortable directions. *note: this felt similar to the pulling and flipping felt on salvia, but unique in its own right.

Time became meaningless, though I could still sense it passing, for now.

Soon the flipping and turning consumed my mind, and then my thoughts. I felt the re-living of all previous mental states I felt as I grew up. I was scanning through them, faster and faster
the flipping and turning consumed my mind, and then my thoughts. I felt the re-living of all previous mental states I felt as I grew up. I was scanning through them, faster and faster
, I could feel them in all parts of my psyche, and as they scanned by faster and faster, I felt them all connect as part of myself, and it was the most beautiful revelation of my life, like all parts of my ego had come together and I experienced them all as one.

Now honestly, as I try to remember this all from two days ago, I cannot remember if that previous part was before or after this, but it's all relevant so it doesn't matter that much.

The next part of the trip was terrifying. The flipping of my mind became so intense that my thoughts became part of the chaos. Every thought I had was cut short. Like I was about to have a revelation but something stopped me halfway each time. I must have gone through hundreds or thousands of these half-thoughts. I was finally able to come to a conclusion- schizophrenia -I had schizophrenia.

At first, I was aware that it was only an illusion and would soon pass. But as it grew stronger it consumed me and thoughts of telling my mom or calling the hospital began to pop into my head as a way to terminate this horrific feeling. I wanted valium or something. The blunt I had pre-rolled became my main thought as my last resort. But I was tripping too hard and could not function enough to follow through with the process.

So I thought of sleep. And when that wasn't working, I went right to death. I wished of having a gun so I could end this schizophrenia- this was truly a dark moment in my life. Then I remembered that this was a trip so I focused on the ego-death that I had only dreamed about while reading trip reports.

Then it happened. I don't know if I fell asleep, or if it was just part of the waking trip, but I broke away from the chaos and could feel the 'stream' of consciousness that I, again, had only read and dreamed about. This was the most amazing moment of my life. I could feel the infinite flow of spirits as I became one with it. I heard faint voices all throughout, though I could not understand them. For a brief moment I thought of my late grandmother, and could vaguely feel her presence. *note: time was non-existent at this point. I was part of infinity for what felt like infinity while I was there. Hard to comprehend unless you are an abstract thinker or have experienced it yourself.

As I came back to the feeling of time, I felt the presence of a yin-yang shaped being. The dark side was my chaos, the light side was the endless stream feeling.
This was me.
I realized that this figure was my true form. Rather, my spirit's true form.
This realization brought the happiest moment of my life, which I could feel had pushed itself next to the chaos and panic I had been feeling. It was like my emotions reflected this being. Half chaos, half infinite calm.

This was divine. I felt the presence of a divine spirit, and it was comforting to know I had been through both sides, and learned about myself as a result.

The trip began to subside. The turning, flipping feeling left my mind, then my body. And I had another revelation. Reality is so amazing, I was finally able to fully appreciate the order and 'sobriety' of life- for lack of a better word.
The turning, flipping feeling left my mind, then my body. And I had another revelation. Reality is so amazing, I was finally able to fully appreciate the order and 'sobriety' of life- for lack of a better word.

I felt a strong urge to turn my life around and use this newfound feeling of order to work as hard as I can toward my goals, as I have been a slacker all of my life.

I will end here since I have hit all key points after typing for almost two hours. I went out in the snowstorm and smoked that blunt after I was able to function again. I walked funny as I was still tripping slightly, but smoking grounded me and let me reflect on my experience. As it was the most beautiful horrific experience of my life.

Thanks for reading. Knowing is living, so please, never stop learning and sharing.

Exp Year: 2010ExpID: 83747
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 18 
Published: Dec 10, 2015Views: 1,686
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Mushrooms - P. cubensis (66) : Entities / Beings (37), Difficult Experiences (5), Alone (16)

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