Citation: Tijn. "Reversed Ending: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) & MDMA with mCPP (Ecstasy) (exp83126)". Erowid.org. Jul 26, 2010. erowid.org/exp/83126
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I’ll start with some background information: I’ve had ecstasy three times before, within the past twelve months or so. Every time has been with my (now ex-) girlfriend, for which I am grateful. The first time was enjoyable, perfect for a first time – nothing unexpected and not too intense. The second time, several months later, was definitely something more, which was also what I wanted. The E was stronger than the first time and we stayed up till dawn, dancing, smiling and simply enjoying ourselves and being happy. When the party we were at ended, we went for a long walk (several hours) through the park. The third time was at a festival. We obtained one pill to share and took a half each, but I didn’t notice much more than the coming up, which came to a halt before the E was actually enjoyable and left me at a mostly irritable level. Other than E, I’ve tried psilocybin mushrooms three times, of which one was a truly profound experience, and I’ve learned to know cannabis over the past few years.
My fourth ecstasy experience was this New Year’s Eve. At the previously mentioned festival, my ex had found (!) a bag with five pills in it, just lying on the ground, all of them Rolexes, four white and one white with dark specks and we still had one blue mitsu left from another time. The blue mitsu contained 12mg MDMA and 4mg MCPP (we had it sent to a lab) and the Rolexes were tested as well, but not sent to a lab. They did, however, turn to that familiar dark purple/black colour within a few seconds when tested (both the specked and non-specked Rolexes), so we (and the man at the test-center) judged them safe. After this experience I have promised myself to know how much of anything each pill contains before consuming it, though. We had planned to take E on New Year’s Eve a few weeks earlier and had already got a hold of tickets for a rave close to where we live.
About a week before New Year’s Eve, my girlfriend and I regrettably broke up. While it was most probably for the best, I still hadn’t completely accepted it and had not been able to ‘forgive’ her for not trying hard enough, in my opinion (I have now, though), so I had decided to go to the same rave as her on New Year’s Eve, but by myself, still planning on rolling that night.
My New Year’s Eve started at around 22:00, I met with a friend and went to a friend of her’s for an hour or so, before going to another party at some people from my union, where my ex was as well. We counted down the beginning of the New Year, I had a few sips of champagne (that was all the alcohol I consumed that night) and went to my union at around 1:30. We stayed there for roughly an hour and my ex and I went to the location of the rave together, everyone else felt like staying. I took my first pill (one whole) outside, before we left, at around 2:30 AM. We arrived some 20 minutes later. We walked around a bit, familiarizing ourselves with the place, buy some coupons (the water was cheap, thankfully!) and found a place to ditch our coats and bags.
(T+30) While walking around, I already started feeling the first effects of the E coming on rather quickly. I hadn’t eaten very much that day, just something light now and then, the idea behind it being that I wanted to experience the E just a bit more intense than my previous times. It was in no way unpleasant, however – I was simply a little surprised by the sudden coming-up. Just ten minutes after we arrived my entire body was already feeling warm and tingling all over and I was feeling exceptionally good. We explored all the five rooms and decided we both liked the goa/psytrance room the most. By now, I was already beginning to forgive my ex and perhaps even realizing that it really was for the best and that this too can be as rewarding as an intimate relationship. We went somewhere to the middle of the goa/psytrance room to dance while coming up. The music was enchanting; dancing came easy and was very enjoyable. I was trying to pay attention to my body and feelings, noticing the subtle changes and tingling in my body.
It may be important to mention that this was the first time that I took several pills during one session. My previous experiences were with two halves (first and second time) and one half (third time), so you could say that this experience would be an experiment in itself. A new experience, at least, that’s for sure.
(T±1:00) I went outside with my ex to take the blue mitsu. I wasn’t worried about the 4mg MCPP in it, as the man at the test-service had assured me it wouldn’t cause any noticeable effects, because the amount was so tiny. I was somewhat surprised to find out that I was unable to see which one the blue pill was (I had put all of them in the same bag), they all seemed some shade of white. I identified the blue mitsu by the logo and paid the strange sensation no further heed. It was pretty cold outside and, while noticing and feeling the cold, it didn't really bother me at all. We went back inside to the goa/psytrance room to continue dancing.
The effects of the E were coming on more strongly now. While dancing, we were looking around at everyone and noticing people around us that were rolling too, thoroughly enjoying all of the dancing people and smiling faces, smiling back at us. Everyone there looked extremely happy, this is why I already love ecstasy for what it is. Everyone on the dance floor were dancing, enjoying themselves, being happy! I was overcome with joy by all these people, I felt as if I would like to get to know every single one of them, talk to them, ask them how they were feeling, share my feelings with them, exchange glances at each other’s irises and compliment how beautiful their eyes were and how happy they looked – connect with them, for lack of a better word! From that moment on, I felt completely at ease.
Meanwhile, I was talking like mad. I kept going on about all the things I remembered reading, telling my ex about the meaningful things I’ve read in PIHKAL, trying to explain everything noteworthy that would pop into my mind, dancing and talking the entire time. We started talking about our relationship and our breaking up, and I felt as if, by exchanging just a couple of sentences with my ex, we had instantly resolved any left over issues there may have been between us (whether on her or my part) and I was really glad that she was there too and that we were there together.
After our little “chat” we just stood there dancing, looking around and enjoying the company of everyone else; occasionally talking to others, being talked to, telling people how happy they looked, how wonderful this party was. Time was pretty much a blur from there onwards. I could still look at my watch and say “Oh, yes. So and so much has indeed passed, that makes sense.”, but time simply didn’t matter any more. The party lasted till noon the next day, so there was absolutely no need to hurry anything. The only thing that mattered was the moment itself and everyone involved in that very moment. I must have taken another half pill at somewhere between 4:30 or 5:00 (T+2:00-2:30).
I cannot remember the hours after I took the second supplement too well. At least, I cannot remember the exact events in order of occurrence. My memory of that second half of the night consists mostly of the general feeling of true happiness and not needing anything else. I liked where I was at, I liked the party, I liked the music, I liked the lasershow, I liked the other people that were there (even though I didn’t know them) and I liked my ex (in the non-intimate way, though).
I remember one guy vividly (let’s call him K), who both my ex and I noticed early that night, whom we talked too regularly. I believe he was the happiest person there. Seeing him made me smile. He had this glow around him, not really visible, but yet, I’d notice something about him. Perhaps this is an effect that should be (has been?) attributed to MDMA: the ability to identify and connect with others that are rolling too, without the use of verbal communication. Simply looking at him, experiencing his happiness and talking to him made me even happier every time! It may be worth noting that during the entire night, I only felt the urge to (repeatedly) hug my ex because I realized I felt no more anger for her, yet I do care for her, and K, but apart from those two, no one else. Everyone else did make me happy, and they all certainly did seem very happy, but it seemed to me as if they were all enjoying themselves, K seemed to be enjoying everything! Throughout the night we were looking out for each other, in a sense; K, my ex and me. Offering water when we thought it might be needed, exchanging joyful and appreciative glances and smiling when our eyes met. I was very happy to meet K that night, as he really added something to my experience.
It must have been somewhere around 7:30 AM (T±5:00) when I dropped my last half. I was feeling the effects of the E wearing off a bit. Not in a bad way, but I was simply noticing that I had been up for some 20 hours and had been actively dancing the past five or so. I was still rolling and the mental/emotional effects were still very present, the physical energy had just diminished slightly. It was already dawning outside and it was no longer as crowded as earlier, but I was still very much enjoying the effects and dancing. K and my ex were also still there.
It was now that I gradually started noticing some not-so-enjoyable effects. My body was feeling tired, though that was not particularly a bad thing. What did bother me now and then was when the strobe light was left on for long periods of time. At first it was incredibly beautiful watching people around moving and dancing, but after a while I got disoriented, felt somewhat dizzy and my vision got all blurry. At first I just stood still for a bit till the strobe light got switched off, after which my vision turned back to normal pretty quick. At no given time did I really consider going the chillout for 20 minutes or just sitting down for a second; I was still really enjoying dancing and my problems didn’t really bother me that much, so I just waited till they receded. Looking back, that was a big mistake.
It was probably somewhere around 9:00-10:00 (T+7:30-8:30) that everything suddenly went bad for me. This time the strobe light literally knocked me out. When it was switched on, I was again very disoriented and dizzy. My head suddenly got jerked back rather hard, completely involuntary. I regained control for a second or so, looked forward and tried to regain focus, but one or two seconds after the first jerk, I felt a second one. This time I didn’t get to look forward again, everything went blank and I lost consciousness.
When I regained consciousness, which according to my ex was about 15 minutes later, the first thing my mind grasped was a water bottle (being handed to me? Standing somewhere near me? In my hand?) and I instinctively took a sip. I saw my ex outside (I was somewhere inside, apparently) through an open doorway, got up and went to stand next to her. I was feeling completely exhausted, but apart from that in physically good shape.
I must still have been quite disoriented and not completely grasping reality; “inside”, I was told later, was inside an ambulance (of which I have no recollection of even perceiving) that had been called (for which I now am eternally grateful, I honestly do not know where I would have been if no one had taken my… attack? Seizure? Whatever it was, seriously.). Someone had also called a cab which took me and my ex home to her place and we (at least, I) went straight to bed and fell asleep almost instantly. I remember leaving the location of the party in the cab, but not the trip home or getting out of the cab (or paying for the cab, for that matter), only taking off the clothes I could be bothered with and crawling under the blanket.
I slept for some 24 hours, only waking up three-four times to have some water or to go to the bathroom. At about 11:00 AM on January 2nd I felt I had slept enough (I don’t think I’ve ever slept that long), though I was still physically exhausted, and decided I needed something to eat. I wanted to eat a lot (I was famished!), but could only bring myself to eat a small bowl of yoghurt with some muesli together with a cup of tea before I’d had enough.
After breakfast and a shower we went to pick up our bikes, which we had left behind when the cab arrived, and I went home to my place. I didn’t do much for the remainder of that day and went to bed early, but did have some trouble sleeping. The next morning I woke up feeling a bit more energized than the day before, but I am still rather tired from the whole experience.
After we had gotten home on New Year’s morning and slept the night before off, my ex told me what had happened: I had suddenly collapsed and fallen down on the floor, spasms running through my entire body. Several people had rushed to help get me out to the hall. My ex tried giving me something to eat, but it was almost impossible, because my jaw was simply clenched shut. I had not noticed any jaw-clenching that entire night, my jaws were a bit tense, but that was probably just from all the smiling. Meanwhile, someone had called an ambulance and the paramedics came inside and brought me inside the ambulance, my ex wasn’t allowed to come inside. When they finished whatever they were doing, they told my ex that my blood sugar was very high and that should just go home to get some sleep. It wasn’t until the day after that I noticed the tip of my index finger was a bit sore and that there was a needle-mark there and that I had a piece of bandage with a few bloodstains on it in my pocket.
It has taken me a while to grasp the severity of the situation (I’m not sure I have entirely grasped it yet). My ex was incredibly scared, because she didn’t know what was going on and because I was blacked out for so long, and I give her every right to be so. I think the fact that I was unconscious may have saved me from a severe trauma. Apparently after my spasms, I suddenly had all of these red dots on my face, around my eyes, temples and on my forehead, as if lots and lots blood vessels had burst. It wasn’t just “barely noticeable”, the area around my eyes and my forehead was actually more red than skin-coloured for a day or so. For this, I have no explanation, though they seem to be diminishing by the day.
By no means do I feel any need to completely abandon MDMA because of this one experience, I still think of MDMA as the marvellous substance that it is, but I have promised myself to use it with more responsibility. I plan on taking Ecstasy/MDMA again, but I am going to wait at least two months and that next time will not be at a party, but somewhere home, calm and controlled, and my goal will be to find out how MDMA affects me (whether I get a full, long-lasting roll from 50mg or that I will require 100mg or more for the results I got during the “good” part of New Year’s Eve). With that, I have decided to do a few things differently next time:
• Know what and how much of everything the pill contains. The pills we had did test positive for MDMA, but the precise amount of MDMA and if there possibly were other (undetected) substances in the pills – with the exception of 12mg blue mitsu one – remains unknown. I also want to try pure MDMA once, in a safe setting, and experience the effects without the interference of other chemicals.
• Eat proper breakfast, lunch and dinner before taking E.
• Bring crackers or other light, salty snacks when doing MDMA. I will not rule out that my attack (or whatever…) was partially caused by malnutrition. As I have mentioned, I had eaten very little that day. I was not feeling hungry, even before I took the first pill, but I would honestly not be surprised it was a/one of the/the cause(s).
• Bring a few bottles of some type of sports-drink (such as Gatorade) when taking E.
• Pay more attention to how much water I have been and am drinking. On New Year’s, I was trying to make sure I was drinking enough water, but I cannot tell how much I did drink, even if I tried. It may have been half a litre per hour; it may have been a few sips per hour. I will also not deny that I may have been dehydrated (to some extent) towards the end (T+6:00-9:00).
• Bring a notebook (and a pen!). Next time I do E, I want to bring a notebook and note the time whenever I take any quantity of E. Whether it’s for personal reference or for writing an (more) exact report, I did have trouble figuring out when I had taken another half and so on, even with the aid of my ex.
• My last promise to myself is to get to know – to connect to – my body better. An important thing I realized after New Year’s is that I just didn’t hear or notice the (distress) signals of my body (not only when rolling). I should probably have eaten something during my roll and spent some time on a couch or in the chillout, and I’m sure my body tried to tell me to do exactly that, but I was too focused and caught up in other things to realize that. I believe that, in a sense, me eventually passing out was a way of my body to say something in the sense of “Enough! Go relax, now!”. At least, I believe I should have done just that a lot sooner.
My New Year’s Eve was far from a bad experience or a bad night, it was probably the best night I’ve ever had and I am thankful for the ecstasy experience It was definitely a scare and it has left me thinking, but in a good way. Even though it ended badly (perhaps almost as badly as it could have ended), I did have the most wonderful time and it has taught me a lot about the use of E and my own body and I am definitely grateful for it.
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