Citation: Jackdarko. "The Realization of Love: An Experience with DMT (exp82934)". Erowid.org. Sep 22, 2010. erowid.org/exp/82934
||(powder / crystals)
How do you expect, the unexpected? How do you describe the indescribable? How do you believe the unbelievable? And how do you question the unquestionably flawless intelligence of gods mind? You donít. You sit back with trusted friends, you raise a glass pipe to your lips, you inhale 3 times and then you dive soul first into an ocean of seamless reality that either washes over you like a mother bathing her child or crashes onto you as if the heavens fell from the skies. Welcome to hyperspace.
It seems I only post after a particularly enlightening and sensational psychedelic journey, and I suppose thatís all thatís needed. If I were to leave the epic insights of tripping to mere memory, Iím afraid Iíd lose the vast majority of it to the constant bombardment of constricted thinking, close minded perceptions and petty emotions that race through my mind daily. A documented reference to mystical experiences serves to capture and savor my fleeting glimpses of divine truth.
The day was set and the participants selected. We sat in humble unison on the floor as shpongle accentuated the atmosphere with an ominous foreshadowing of events to come. There was limited conversation as the pipe was being loaded with a yellow crystal that seemed to unconsciously demand respect. There were 6 of us, 3 newcomers and 3 experienced DMT travelers, yet all of us nervously waited for someone else to volunteer for the first smoke. A timid 'Iíll go first' broke the silence, but I followed with 'I will, if youíd like, Iíll go first.' I figured someone vaguely familiar with the power of DMT should handle the inauguration of the sacrament, while simultaneously being reminded by another traveler, the product was extracted by my hands, it would only be right for me to christen it.
It was then that my heart began to pound, I was nearly overwhelmed by the impending intoxication that would soon be take control of my senses. After exhaling my first hit though, I was immersed in what seemed like a warm electric bath, so encompassing, so reassuring. I exhaled my second hit, deeper now I sank into a lake of exotic visions. I only opened my eyes to see the pipe for a third toke, as I exhaled again a fabric of warping designs gave way to a female being who seemed to offer herself to me, without consciously deciding I observed myself taking advantage of the opportunity and throwing myself upon her.
Immediately I pulled myself up I realized there are more important things to do and decided to explore, I then saw countless people walking frantically from place to place. It felt like I was in a restaurant watching servers bustle about. Working on something. They were quite indifferent to me being there. As the drug metabolized in my body the world grew fainter and fainter until disappearing into blackness. I opened my eyes, physically and emotionally I felt quite refreshed, but felt spiritually lacking, as if I had missed something. Slightly disappointed but otherwise completely tranquil and thankful for having a pleasant experience, we sat in silence once more as the pipe was being loaded.
4 more people smoked but none attained a breakthrough experience. Then the person who had first volunteered for the first trip was up, she took 4 solid and thorough hits and for 5 to ten minutes we watched as she undeniably 'broke through.' it was very powerful watching her lifting and raising her head while breathing heavily and sensuously, eyes closed and soul deep. After she came back into this material view of things she slowly elaborated on what happened. I then inspected the pipe and figured there was sufficient amount of buildup still inside the bulb to attempt another session of my own. By this point though, I think I was under appreciating the awesome power of DMT after feeling a tad shortchanged by my initial experience, and apparently ignoring the intense behaviors of the previous traveler.
First hit, long and slow. I hold deep, 10 seconds at least, exhale. Damn, this is heavy, I hand the pipe to friend so I wouldnít have to worry about holding it myself. 2nd hit, I dunno if I like this, my heart is pounding and my lungs are sore from my first trip. Iím in a state of unease and paranoia, I canít die from this right? My awareness is harassed by an onslaught of frightening thoughts and a menacing carpet of hallucinations obscuring my view. I donít want anymore, the pipe is smoking and ready for a third hit, I donít want to back down, but I donít want to go further. My chest is pounding, I think Iím dying. I press my lips against the glass and drag, my lungs are so raped its hard to keep inhaling, but I manage. I hold in, exhale. Blast off. God damn, where I am? I want to go home, my chest feels as if there is a hole in it, as if my heart is missing. This is so painful, Iím alone, Iím scared and I want my heart back, I want to be alright. Wait... what is this, what is this presence around me, am I not alone?
Iím in a room. There are two adults, female and male. I sense their glorious power, it flows off them like the sun radiates light. I am a child here, ignorant, frightened and confused. I only see them from their waist down to their feet, I donít even try to look up to them, I am not worthy. Iím not the only child, there is a table/box full of toys and there is a young child exploring them. My god, this is so intense, I dunno if I like it. Panic grips my body once again, everything is so alien and terrifying. Wait, Iím here! Iím right here, right now! Iíve dreamed of being here, Iíve fantasied about meeting these beings, Iíve prayed for conclusive answers possibly arising from a 'breakthrough' experience, and here I am. Why am I clinging so tight to my thoughts and emotions, why not investigate, forget life and death, absorb myself into what is happening right now.
Iím in the room, and without speaking I ask the adults why Iím here, immediately she hands me a toy. I look at it, its some magnificent geometrical building block. I stare into it, focus entirely on it. It begins to glow bright, I focus harder, it glows brighter, it transmits an energy to me, something familiar. The feeling overwhelms me and it feels heavenly, my god, this is true love, and I felt it before, my heart is back again, there is no more hole, just complete wholeness. I look back up at the child playing with the toys, he is so happy now, he begins tossing his toys into the air in celebration and it hits me. This is the love I have for my son, it is a reflection of my intense feelings for him.
Unexpectedly Iím reminded of all the times I havenít been the best father Iím capable of being, Iím reminded of my thoughts of moving some where else, not to leave him, but to start fresh some where else and to visit him when I can. These thoughts instantly wrench my heart from my chest I am sucked into a tornado of hellish anxiety, utter despair and guilt. No, I cannot, I will not leave him. He is my inspiration for living, and without him I will die, whether it be physically, emotionally or spiritually, or all 3, I will wither into nothingness without his love. As soon as I realize this I am back in the room. The adults are moving about quicker now, as if in a hurry, I start thanking them for showing me this and how beautiful it is. I begin to get teary eyed by thinking about my emotions and again I am filled with a veil of hallucinations that depict love and remorse. I realize that I am under the influence of a short acting drug and I need to go back to the room before I lose touch with it.
Iím back in the room. The adults are running now and things are starting to git dimmer and dimmer. I ask what else they have to show me, the female strikes me as if reprimanding a child. As if she was saying 'listen now, pay attention, stop drifting off, this is IMPORTANT!' she then hands me a mystical looking hourglass as she squats down, she is in full view now and I can feel her love pouring over me. She reaches in and pulls a handful of the most serene white glistening sand imaginable and allows it to fall I reach my hands out and catch it. It flows through my fingers and it is orgasmic, pure love is all about and as this sand slides into my hand and slips through the cracks of my fingers I understand what she is telling me. Time is the most precious thing we have. It is fantastic and inconceivable, it is also as brief and fleeting as every grain of sand that falls through the cracks of my hand. 'Use the time you are given wisely, enjoy the precious moments of life and celebrate them with your son. Your life is only as full and rich as you make it, and your son is the measure of your worth...' fade to black.
I cry. I begin to shake and I try my hardest to convey the deepest of thanks to these beings, they opened my eyes to the beauty of life that has always been in front of my face. Iíve always known he was my purpose but to have something, someone so powerful demonstrate so explicitly how meaningful he is, was jaw dropping. I cry some more. I open my eyes and everyone sits in silence. The energy in the room is sublime. I wipe my tears and say my goodbyes.
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