Citation: Sandcastle. "My Experience: An Experience with LSD (exp82595)". Erowid.org. Nov 24, 2012. erowid.org/exp/82595
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Substance induced alter ego: Jim Smith
Jim Smith is an alter ego of mine, but there is a special characteristic of it that makes it unique: it is very difficult to tap into it normally. It usually takes a substance to get into it. The only ones that have worked so far are DXM and LSD. Nothing else that I have taken, be it nutmeg, promethazine, DPH, or bay leaves, have worked to turn me into Jim Smith.
Jim Smith is very different from my normal personality in that he develops empathic behavior for other people, laughs a lot, and has an intense desire to socialize. Jim Smith also acts pretty bizarrely and does a lot of things rhythmically, and sings or hums a lot. He typically gets a lot of morals and hesitates to do things that would be unethical, and wants to make amends with people I have hurt in the past. He wants to cry a lot.
I personally like being Jim Smith, but it is almost impossible for me to do that normally. It’s not like I don’t care what I do to other people, or what I say, it’s just that I don’t think about it as much. I lie, cheat, and steal, and have pretty much no care for making messes that other people have to deal with and clean up, or destruction of property. I frequently break rules (not severe ones, though), and I am generally bored, tired, and unhappy. Becoming Jim Smith is like an entire, temporary personality makeover that makes me appreciate who I really am. I wish didn’t have to take drugs to get to this alter ego.
Grandparents and the Monopoly tradition
My grandparents and I play Monopoly about twice every week, and I’d have to say it’s pretty fun, actually. I really like Monopoly, so much that I have made a variation in which players get more money, the properties are dealt differently, and the whole game operates in a way that is friendlier to the players and allows them to ascertain more wealth.
Monopoly ties into this description of my experience with LSD because I have memorized all of the rents for the properties (hotels and all), where properties are on the board, and since I am this obsessed with it, with my imagination expanded and my consciousness changed the whole world over, Monopoly would be an entirely different experience. This is explained later, in 1f.
What happened: First LSD Experience
When I got it, it was wrapped in foil. I got a chance to look at it in a place where others could not see me. There two little ¼” x ¼” squares, one of them was dark green and the other one was black. I told someone who I knew bought LSD from the same person that I got some, and she pleaded and begged me to give it to her, and she would pay me $20 when she got the money.
I knew it was real now, but I was still a little bit suspicious. Two other attempts last year to obtain LSD had gone awry and were both false (one was merely vinegar + salt water in a bottle of contact lens solution and the other was colored birth-control pills), so I still had some concern that it could be fake. I asked someone who knew about it if he thought it was real, and there was some way that he could tell that it was real. So, I had a lot of faith.
In geometry, which is the last class of the day for me, between 2:30 PM and 3:20 PM, I sneaked a small lick of the two. A few minutes later, I felt a little bit different, but no hallucinations, dizziness, bizarre thoughts, etc were occurring. So, I put my hands over my eyes and closed them to see if there were any closed-eyes. There were, as a matter of fact.
There were blue, amorphous blobs shifting shapes and wandering aimlessly about in this imaginary world of infinite darkness… It was wondrous in the way that they moved with such fluidity. Every now and then, the blobs would break into two major pieces and there were some small remains, which diminished into nothing while the other halves spun around and drifted away from each other. This fascinated me, but I only did it for about a minute because then they started getting dimmer and dimmer, blending into the darkness more and more and getting hard to see. I would’ve just taken the LSD in geometry had I known what I had in store for me, but I absolutely did not want to do it in school my first time around. I had learned my lesson with that last May: never do dangerous experimentations, especially in school.
When my grandparents and I got home at around 7:00 PM, I ran into the bathroom to unpack them from the aluminum foil that they were wrapped in. I broke off the black one from the dark green one. I remember thinking that I was going to take the green one first and then the black one, but I was so caught up in the moment and excited that I forgot and took the black one first. I know it doesn’t matter the order, but it just shows how excited I was that I would drop one of my many obsessions with the snap of a finger.
I was initially only planning on taking one, and not both of them, for I had been forewarned by the person that gave them to me, not only not to do it in school first, but to only do one to start out. I swallowed it, not familiar with how to take it at first (next time I would do it properly). About an hour later, it still wasn’t doing anything, and I had just remembered that I was supposed to let it simmer on my tongue and eventually dissolve, rather than swallow it. This may not make the least bit of difference, but I went in my bathroom again at 8:00 PM to take a shower. I took the green one by letting it dissolve this time, instead of swallowing it.
I took my shower in the dark like I normally do, and nothing happened until I turned on the lights. When I did, in a few minutes, my hand started to turn bright green, and the air around it got the same lime-colored haze. I could almost feel this presence; it was very ticklish. It was like a thousand tiny feathers were tickling my hands all over, and they were all green, making up my green hands. It wasn’t doing the same on my arms for some reason, but the walls started to pick up a familiar green color as well. This happened very frequently with DXM, especially with higher doses.
I walked out of the bathroom and into my room where my grandma was, currently, and we started talking about something. My parents had searched my room a few days ago and had found a bag filled with powder. They thought it was cocaine, but it was actually just ground-up Sweettarts (which I later told them about), but my grandma still thought it was drugs. I laughed when she said this, but I discovered that I could not stop laughing and smiling. I was constantly smiling, impossible to hide my dimples, and I was laughing at pretty much anything that was said, or anything that I had thought of. I wanted to enjoy this feeling, so I made an excuse that I had not yet taken a bath, so I was to return to the bathroom to do that. Before I did this, however, I was obsessed with showing her this new towel that I got, but it wasn’t in my bathroom closet. I frantically went down to my mom’s room, wasn’t there, and so then I found out it was in the drier. I showed it to her, but I was obsessed with it for some reason.
I turned the water on and went into the bathroom. You can’t tell, if the water is running, whether or not I am taking a shower or a bath, so she wouldn’t be able to detect any suspicious behavior; the shower was on, but the bathwater was not. I turned on the lights and looked in the clouded mirror. I had to clear some of the steam off with my hand to see my face, because I always use really hot water in the shower, especially when I am not in it (I enjoy the heat and the steam, it is like a makeshift sauna, albeit not a very good one).
I looked at my face and oh my ears and whiskers, you should’ve seen my pupils. There was almost none of my brown eye color left, it was completely taken over with the black pupil. I’d be willing to bet the thickness of the remaining brown was only about 3 or 4 millimeters and my pupils were about 12 or 15 mm. It was ridiculous. There was little to no bloodshotedness, to my surprise, and I liked that, because it made my eyes look perfect. I marveled at how beautiful they looked in the mirror, and I started laughing at something. I looked at myself in the mirror and, like a maniac, I laughed at my reflection. I turned off the lights and fell to the ground, rubbing my hands on my face and laughing uncontrollably, in extreme bliss and in the most intense euphoria I had ever been in.
My body became numb. My tongue became numb, similar to when I got my cavities filled and my tongue bumped up against the Novocain, but much, much more intense. My head became light, yet it was heavy. It is very difficult to explain, and I call it ‘heavyheadedness’. When my laughter came down to a more controllable level, I observed some more hallucinations, and it felt like they were more prevalent in my peripheral vision more than what I was looking directly at. I fooled around with the trailing of the orange dimmer-switch light, making figure-eights, squares, circles, and a bunch of other geometric shapes by moving my eyes past it in certain directions and allowing the trails to make the shapes. I found this to be very enjoyable and entertaining. It made me laugh.
I started moving and bopping my head at different angles and speeds (this would have been ridiculous to watch; someone should videotape me doing this) to make myself even more dizzy, and to make it seem like I was still moving for a very long duration after my head stopped moving in reality. This is another interesting similarity to DXM, but it is just much, much more intense on LSD. I was beginning to realize this was the happiness of hydrocodone plus the fun and craziness of DXM, with the intensity of the result multiplied.
Inside of the shower, I saw a bunch of moving, indiscriminate and unrecognizable objects that appeared just as quickly as they would subsequently vanish away, and I couldn’t make heads or tails of it, because it was so sudden that they were there, and so sudden that they were gone. Some of them moved or did a little “dance” before hiding back into the darkness while others just flashed themselves at me and died. I was going completely berserk at this point, staring into the dark in my shower with water at full hotness.
At this moment, I was craving some sounds to listen to so I could see whether or not they would be altered, or make me feel any differently. I didn’t necessarily want music, but I knew I wanted some kind of sounds. Television would be the perfect thing, but I didn’t want to go outside the bathroom. Not quite yet. Not until 9:00 PM, and it was only about 8:45 PM at this point (time took on it’s normal course at this point). Just as I thought of wanting to hear things, I got an idea that if I turned the shower off, I would be able to hear both the television downstairs that my grandpa was watching and the television to my right that my grandma was watching in just the other room. This would make for a bizarre mix of sounds at different amplitudes, and would be sure to screw with my head like juggling my brains with an eggbeater.
I did just that, and the desired effects went underway. I could hear that the sounds were being distorted in ways I never thought possible and that they seemed to inject themselves into my head and slowly vanish as more sounds flooded in. When the sounds “vanished”, my brain could feel it, and it comforted it. Some sounds made my stomach feel upset while others made me completely overjoyed. Why, the sound of a pin drop could make me scared shitless and the sound of piano music would make me rub my hands over my face in pure happiness. Just to give you an idea of how messed up these auditory hallucinations were at the moment, that information is pretty accurate.
I listened to this for about ten minutes and then at 8:50 or 8:55 or so I turned on the light and observed that the counter now had patterns on it, and they were shifting around. At times, the patterns formed the head of a wolf surrounded with crazy wave patterns. I could tell now that everything was moving, and it was not to stop for a long time. I went outside my bathroom and told grandma I was ready to play Monopoly. This was it. This was the moment I was waiting for. What would be to come? How would the pasta taste (I always fix pasta on Friday nights)? I was about to find out, and this would make the night.
She started setting up the Monopoly game as she always does, and I started fixing the pasta. I noticed something was different in the kitchen though… I knew there were no knives anymore (long story, shortened version: got sent to a psychiatric hospital, they found cut marks on me, I can’t have sharp things now), but something was strange about this… kitchen. Something was out of order or sequence here. I couldn’t pinpoint what it was, and I still can’t, to this date, other than that I had ingested a psychedelic ingredient.
I knew I was fixing the pasta wrong because I was adding the wrong spices to the sauce, not adding butter and the other ingredients to the sauce, and not grating the cheese yet. Normally, the whole process takes two minutes to prepare to cook, seven minutes to cook, and six minutes to finish, for a total of fifteen minutes. This time, it took thirty, and it turned out terribly wrong. While I was fixing it, I was trying to act as normal as possible, and doing everything I could to not look directly at grandma, so she wouldn’t see my terribly big eyes.
I grated the cheese on it and everything, and I went down to the Monopoly table to eat it. It tasted terrible. I could hardly eat it. I’d say 20% of it was that I cooked it wrong and 80% of it was the LSD making everything taste bad, and cutting my appetite down. Well, it isn’t that my appetite was cut in half; it’s just that everything tasted so bad that my appetite went down as a result of that, not just going down independently. I don’t know if that makes any sense (probably doesn’t, unless you experience it for yourself). I made an excuse that I had previously consumed a lot at school (which I kinda did, actually), so I put a majority of the pasta down the disposal.
We finally started Monopoly at around 9:30 or 9:45 PM after getting sidetracked so many times. Playing it seemed normal in the beginning, besides the fact that whenever grandma would roll the dice and it would be within my peripheral vision, it looked like she was pointing straight into my eye, and that her hands were all blurry.
However, as the game progressed, I noticed that I couldn’t jump the spaces like I normally could. No matter what I roll, I can usually jump without counting the individual spaces in accordance with the dice roll (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) by reasoning that States Avenue is three spaces past the corner, so rolling a nine would be 3 + 9 = 12, so two spaces from the next corner, so Chance. However, I couldn’t do this as accurately anymore because all of the spaces were kind of blending together making it impossible to move with my precision jumping. Even counting individually, I would skip a space (or two) or count the same space twice and other things like that, resulting in me having to do it all over again and use some reasoning after I moved to make sure it was correct (which I never have to do).
Additionally, I laughed whenever I got a property, or when she got a property that I really liked, and I was constantly smiling throughout this whole episode. It was so, so easy to get sidetracked with this and that. Plus, with having as many excuses to go upstairs and look at my beautiful eyes as possible, it was very difficult to actually play the game. Whenever I would go into my room, I would write down my thoughts and the wondrous feelings that were going through my body. Between 9:00 PM and 10:30 PM when we finally finished was ninety minutes, and there was probably only thirty minutes of actual game-play.
The next ritual of Friday nights is to call grandpa in to join us in a game of Sequence (a card game in which players discard cards and place tokens on corresponding spaces on the board in order to get a five-in-a-row “sequence” that is complicated by opponent’s blocking your plans and removing your tokens). The cards in this game look very different than normal playing cards (even though all they are is the numbers, aces, jacks, queens, and kings) in that they have different faces, uniforms, and accessories such as glasses, hand gestures, and the jacks either have one eye or two eyes (two-eyed jacks are wild, one-eyed are anti-wild: remove any opponent’s token from the board). The way these cards looked on LSD fascinated me. I couldn’t stop looking at them, and the patterns on their uniforms (along with everything around me in real life) was constantly moving and shifting shapes.
I started to get this feeling of invincibility, like nothing could stop me. This ended up lasting well into the night. I ended up winning two of the three games, so it wasn’t like I had actually been invincible. I loved that feeling though. I got an image of myself, the Sandcastle136, holding the Queen of Clubs, the ten of Spades, and the Queen of Spades, being perfectly invincible. In my act of trying to be normal, my grandpa caught me in a few of my confusions with the game, but it was perfectly alright because I corrected my grandma with most of hers, which were much more numerous than mine, most likely just because she is getting old.
Grandpa then went downstairs and I was trying to explain some new game that we got, to my grandma, but I got bored with it and my parents finally came home, so I abandoned that project. I put it away, and the rest of the night until I went into my room was kind of the same. The lights in the family room on the fan were rainbow-ed, and the fake plants at the top of the entertainment center had a certain… iridescent glow to them. I really can’t explain it, they seem to pop out, as if three-dimensional (because they were), but more so than usual… Like being in the three point fifth dimension. Oh, and they were moving, like wind was blowing through them.
Sitting on that couch before I went to bed, I heard the most sound distortions I had ever heard before (well, the first, actually). Family that was sitting on the chairs were thumping their feet on the legs of the chairs occasionally (or maybe it was only one person doing this), but it sounded like knocks at the door. A whole bunch of the voices were sounding mechanical, in a way, and if I wasn’t paying attention to the voices, I could barely hear them over the distortion. The same ear-division thing was happening with hallucinations and real sounds.
As I was looking at the carpet, I somehow linked Exago (the game I was explaining) and the carpet. The carpet was moving and almost forming hexagonal patterns. Every time I looked down at the carpet, I saw hexagonal patterns. Whenever I would go upstairs to go into the bathroom and turn off the lights or look at my eyes, I would look down off the balcony and realize that the floor seemed a lot closer, like the balcony was significantly less-higher-up than it actually was. I thought this was interesting.
I went upstairs to my room at about 11:45 PM or 12:00 AM, and I turned on the TV. I played Robotron 2084 (an eighties arcade game) and I had those familiar feelings of invincibility. I was actually doing pretty well. While my score wasn’t high, my tactics of destroying the enemies was enhanced tenfold. When I was playing it, I felt like someone I knew, and I actually almost /became/ that person for a while there. While my thoughts did not change tremendously from my previous phase, I was convinced that I was this person. I got bored of that after a while, mostly because I wanted to be in my room, alone, uninterrupted, by telling my parents that I was going to sleep now. So, I couldn’t make any noise by continuing to play the game.
Some Star Trek thing on some channel that I barely ever watch was on. Normally, I would change the channel until there was something that I liked that was on, but I didn’t really care about anything anymore; I was in a state of absolute carefree bliss. I noticed some of the faces were morphing, and I was really giggling at this. I was laughing myself to oblivion. That’s the best I can describe how hard I was laughing. If I moved my head or eyes, the faces would shift even more. I fooled around like this and noticed that it was like looking at things that had a wide-angle lens on it. I wrote a note of this on a piece of paper. Occasionally, some of the scenes in the television would turn into little blocks of squares for short periods of time, like the television wasn’t getting good reception or something.
I noticed something else. I reasoned that if this were a wide-angle lens, then there would be a certain angle I could look at it that the screen would look normal. I tried different views, and I eventually got one where there were little to no morphing of the faces or the picture. I was thinking there was something wrong with the TV at first, but then I whispered to myself, “which is more likely? That’s there something wrong with an eight hundred dollar television or that this is a side effect of the psychedelic substance I’ve just ingested?” I became obsessed with asking myself this question, and I loved asking myself this.
I tried to listen to some music, but I couldn’t because I didn’t have headphones, I’m not supposed to be listening to it, and they would hear it if I didn’t use headphones. I started feeling like Alice Liddell, I recognized. My room was the wonderland, and I was Alice, navigating throughout it. I had only read the book a few days before (well, Through The Looking Glass to be exact), so it was in my recent memory, so this is probably why this happened.
I had an intense desire to draw. I got out a piece of paper and a black Sharpie and got to work. I drew a strange, cartoony-looking man with hair that stood up like static, a dimwitted expression, and simple arms, legs, and body structure. I then drew a face where his pants were supposed to be, and then I drew “Yeah man” next to it, like the face was saying it. I was so relaxed at the time that “yeah mannnnnnn…” was what I kept saying to myself as I was drawing.
I kept adding and adding things on to this drawing (attached\linked) and pretty soon the entire page was filled with wacky illustrations that looked foreign to me; it was as if I didn’t draw them. Among the drawings were a gingerbread man that looked like he was either falling or running very rapidly, with his mouth blowing spit as he ran, claiming “Imma one kerazy jinjabrawn!!!” in a cartoon bubble. There was a “female” alien thing that looked like something you’d see from Invader Zim, a guy wearing a Santa-esque hat with a vest that had a whole bunch of buttons on strings hanging from them; they were different faces showing different emotions. I called him “the controller\keeper of emotions”. There was an awkward spider-like thing with a human-like face and expression on its face, yet it looked very cartoon-like.
Everything I was drawing looked like it would appear in a cartoon. Similar to my bay leaf drawings, there was a cloud with a strange-ass expression on its face and leaves surrounding him that were in fact, supposed to be bay leaves. There was a face that has eyes of spades and clubs; a thing that had eyes like a fly; a dragonic-looking thin that was composed mostly of jagged sides like funky polygons you see in geometry books; a word I made up, lared; lines and geometric shapes filling in the empty spaces; a heart with a bunch of hearts rotating around them; a /bunch/ of square root signs; and finally, several faces that looked like they were either constipated, running very fast, or demented\insane\crazy.
This drawing really entertained me. I am going to keep it and cherish it forever, like it is worth the world itself to me. I will never sell\trade it, only copies of it. The master copy will always be in my hands, because this is worth the world to me.
All the time I was drawing this, I felt like I wanted to stop doing it, yet I kept going. I was getting very antsy sitting still for so long, and I had a lot of difficulty focusing, but it wasn’t like I was hyper or anything. I was very calm, but I just didn’t want to keep drawing, I would try to go off and do other things, but get drawn in by the hypnotic allure of the paper and get forced to draw some more. I only stopped when it was completely full and there wasn’t enough empty space to make any more drawings. I stated to myself that I wanted to draw another one, since these kinds of drawings only happen once in a great while, but I was just really tired of drawing. Despite my restlessness, I felt tired.
I went to bed finally, at around 1:47 AM (I remember this because I made a note of it on that piece of paper), but it was very hard to do it. It was like having restless leg syndrome; I just could not keep my legs still because they felt light and like they were in a vat of Jell-O. Whenever I closed my eyes, I saw those weird star patterns and heard whooshing and mechanical sounds, and it was very difficult to sleep. I did, eventually.
I woke up at 7:00 AM, still feeling a slight bit of the effects. Nothing major, just slight dizziness, a little bit of sound distortion (nowhere near last night). I was wondering how bad it was, so I flipped on the television. If it was still working, this’d be a nice, relaxing, November 14th Saturday full of watching cartoons with faces that looked like stretched dough. Nothing was happening to the faces, they just looked different in a way, like the TV wasn’t in as high resolution as it could’ve been in; they were just slightly blurry every now and then, but otherwise fine.
I was a bit thirsty, so in about thirty minutes I went up to get some water. I felt a little bit sleepy, but I kicked the feeling so I could see if this feeling would get any better (worse) and see if I would have any more hallucinations or very pleasant feelings. My stomach still felt a little bit queasy. I reasoned that I had about ½ or 1/3 of a hit left in my stomach at this point, because the feelings were so weak, but they were still there.
Suddenly, I got another urge to draw, to see how the night’s drawing would compare with the morning drawing. This one (attached\linked) contained MZFLU decorated with a lot of different interior patterns and exterior outlining; an eight ball with a net around it; INVINCIBILITY inscribed in an awkward-looking font around a relaxed, happy-looking fellow with his tongue sticking out; a flower with a bunch of black-and-white waves coming out of it, a strange alien drawn on the Ace of Clubs; GOOD AND EVIL written below the flower, which also contained a thorny rose; I’D SAY IT’S MADE ME (improper grammar, I know) written on the side, underlined (which means, the person that gave these to me said “it either makes you or breaks you”, so I responded in this drawing); a weird, flattened cartoony skull; a crazy looking guy that looks the wind is blowing his hair that is hanging on the words MZFLU; a deformed Pacman chompin’ on them dots; a face that is composed of garlic for the eyes and a banana for the mouth; a Pacman ghost; a guy wearing a Santa hat with an eyeball for the ball part with a bloody smiley-face tattooed on his face and a wiggly tongue; a face with crescent ears and hair with crescents on the ends of the hairs; an outlined demonic looking thing (I call it Seton, which is ‘notes’ backwards, but sounds like ‘Satan’); and a bunch of geometric shapes and waves and random, insignificant faces to link them all together.
This was another one I am going to keep forever. There are noticeable stylistic changes between the two drawings. My imagination is still expanded in the second drawing, but the way the lines are straighter, it looks more like something I would draw. The faces look more uniform and nicer, less cartoon-ish (which I think makes them look not-as-good), and I’m drawing more normal things. This style of black Sharpie on white paper has been repeated many times over by me when I am in a normal state of mind, and they look entirely different than these two. I like all of them, but nowhere near equally as much.
It slowly got less and less powerful, it died off at around 12:00 PM, a little while after I ate something (which did not taste bad by the way, my appetite was only impaired by a little bit), and I took a nap afterwards, because I got tired. All in all, best day of my life.
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