DOSE:	repeated	oral	MDMA
	repeated	oral	LSD

BODY WEIGHT:

120 lb

I would just like to say that I used to have the time of my life when I went to parties and took LSD and/or MDMA, but it is not like that anymore. I had tried MDMA for the first time when I started dating a DJ at the age of 19. I had never done any drugs before that time and I was open minded about all of it and it was just a 'I will try it someday' sort of thing.

Well it is completely different now, two years later. I am a completely different person from my experiences with drugs. If I could take it all back I would in a second. The first few times I tried MDMA it was the most amazing experience of my life. I felt so much love, fun, I had no fear about life. Then I tried LSD. It was fun, so I started doing it more often. Then it happened... the first time I tried candyflipping. LSD and MDMA together. From my own experiences and I have done all drugs, candy flipping is the best drug experience I could have. I trip just like I would with solely LSD, but I am also rollin and I am just lovin everything I see and am doing. Well when I candyflipped my first time I ended up feeling so intensely invigorating, so loved and beautiful and free-- these feelings I can't describe. Anyways, it was amazing. It was TOO amazing. I ended up having no clue who I was and I just felt so much love I ended up cheating on my boyfriend who I loved, I really did (and still do). Knowing this, my comedown was crazy. It traumatized me, and so did the next couple of months. I was so ashamed of myself that me and my druggie friends (that I no longer speak to or have any contact) fled out of state and had a summer of drugs in Pittsburgh. I do not believe I slept or ate food at all from late June to the end of July.

After the day I had such an intense roll, every time I took drugs I could not feel what they used to feel like. Everything was an adverse effect. I ate so much MDMA and LSD and I remember almost every trip. Because every trip was horrifying and every roll was horrible. I tried and tried to feel better by taking these things more and more and more but they never gave me the same feeling they used to. I had so many bad trips I was known as 'tweaked out' girl on the couch all the time. I lost the ability to feel good completely. I moved back with my mom after July and cleaned up for a while.... but when I came back to reality, I was no longer the same person. I was legitemately TRAUMATIZED. The bad trips I experienced and the things I did when I rolled haunted me and I gained so much anxiety all the time from them. The events, the hallucinations kept repeating in my head, and my heart was still broken. After that summer I tried overdosing myself two different times because I was ultimately depressed about my ex and about how everything turned out. I consumed a bottle of tylenol pm and a time with sum alcohol. I do not know to this day how I am still alive, but I am grateful, for at least I am not that stupid enough anymore to try to kill myself. The dying feeling is very scary. I lost complete mind control, totally forgot I was supposed to be dying. I had no memory and I could not even talk. I remember talking to my mom and not making sense at all. I said very strange things out of nowhere that just didnt make sense. She didn't know what was wrong with me and didn't take me to a hospital, even tho she should have, but at least I am alive.

Anyways, after that phase of my life I got my stuff together a bit, but noticed a difference in who I was, and my thinking... and who exactly was in side of my mind. I realized for the first time in my life I gained a lot of anxiety. Then I started realizing I had different people in my head, different moods. I was unable to control my thoughts. I had become confused all the time. I started isolating myself. My family was no longer in my life. I have no friends anymore because I am unsure of how I am supposed to talk to people. My brain is so clouded with anxiety and depression and terrible thoughts and depersonalization that it takes me time to transfer what people say into my brain and to actually think of an answer is almost impossible sometimes. I was never like this before. I used to be extroverted, a party girl. Now I live in a basement with a minimum wage job because I am afraid of people, afraid of myself. I literally have not a single friend, and it is sad. I wouldn't want to be my friend either, honestly. I became so weird, and I know it.

I still consume MDMA every once in a while, and I still do LSD once in a blue moon, and shrooms. But I do not feel the effects of MDMA anymore, it is almost like taking aspirin. It has absolutely no effect on me anymore, because of my lingering fear of how feeling that good can hurt me. And LSD whenever I do it I only have bad trips. The last time I actually felt something good from either LSD or MDMA was that night at the rave... two years ago. I'm basically done with the drugs I mean I do them maybe once a month or something but I am condemned with bad trips for life. I keep doing them hoping I will have a good trip or roll, but it is always terrifyingly bad. But I am used to bad trips so I can handle them. I've seen the worst and felt the worst of trips and I know what it is like.

I believe I've just been traumatized from drugs, because they are not something to take lightly. They are out of body experiences, something I cannot imagine sober. My brain is fried and it is sad. I am so confused all the time. From the past two years I have gained depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder, depersonalization, obsessive compulsive tendencies, and schizophrenia. It is just sad because two years ago before I tried anything I was so innocent and healthy and bright and smart and had goals for my life and had never done drugs. Now I am here.

Exp Year: 2008	ExpID: 82372
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 20
Published: Dec 11, 2019	Views: 794
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LSD (2), Cannabis (1) : Glowing Experiences (4), Post Trip Problems (8), Relationships (44), Combinations (3), Rave / Dance Event (18)