I Told Myself I'd Never be One of Those...
Citation: Chris. "I Told Myself I'd Never be One of Those...: An Experience with Stimulants (Amphetamines, MDPV & Methylphenidate) (exp82352)". Erowid.org. Jul 31, 2010. erowid.org/exp/82352
I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe it's from coming down from something I told myself I'll never use again, and yet I keep the little baggy hidden away. I tell myself I will not use it again, but I can't prove it to myself by making it impossible.
As I wrote that sentence, I was telling myself that I kept it to prove I wouldn't use it, but I know that I'm just lieing to myself, without consciously realizing it.
I'm posting because I've become addicted to stimulants, terribly addicted to them, and I'm so upset to realize that I'm really so weak. I can't believe how arrogant I was to assume I wouldn't be one of those people. I was an extremely confident person who used to think I could handle anything that came in my way without a single thought. I can't believe how something that weighs so little could destroy all of my confidence, every last bit of it, and I can't believe that I have, hopefully until now, been able to rationalize my desires to use it. It's even scarier to see this happen over the course of four months. Four months of blind ignorance, of so much stupidity, of lieing to myself for whatever reason I could think of.
Adderall was an amazing drug when I first was introduced to it. I had always been interested, but never really felt the urge to try. When I finally did, I couldn't believe how absolutely amazing it made me feel. I literally felt invincible, like I could be put into any situation and come out on top. The confidence it gave me was mind blowing, especially since I was already a very confident guy. I never imagined that I could feel so much more so.
I continued to take them at random times, leaving a few days before I'd use it again, always in small amounts, maybe 10 mg here, 20 there, but nothing too serious. The people I used them with were more into downers, and didn't really understand why I could find them so enjoyable. I was told repeatedly by the very people providing them for me that I would probably regret continuous use, and that they would continue to provide them to me if I 100% knew what I was getting myself into. I told them how good my self-control was, which I thought it was, and that I had complete confidence in my controlled 'abuse' if there is such a thing.
Well, that was all happening while I was home from college over the summer. When I got back to college, I had to show all my college buds how amazing this stuff was, how incredible it could feel and how I could not even begin to understand why someone would want to sell it. Why would you sell happy in a pill? It blew my mind. I found a friend who I considered to be one of my best at the time, and asked him if he knew anyone who was willing to part with some of their stuff, and he said that he did and within a day I had 30 30mg adderall xrs. I started out slowly, crushing half of the balls inside of one pill, and taking that with some water. That lasted for a pretty decent amount of time, and then would slowly taper off to a slightly less happy than before state after it wore off. After about a week, I started to snort it, and in larger amounts. This is where hell began.
I'd start every morning by getting up, railing 30 mgs of adderall, and then going about my day. Soon, I added another 15 mgs just after noon, to keep the euphoria and amazing confidence going for a while longer. Then the first thirty became 45, and the 15 mgs became thirty. I had all the pills I wanted, thanks to someone who seemed to have a magic bottle of endless pills. My endless supply led me to rationalize even higher doses of adderall to see how good it could get.
I went a little too high at first, railing ~100 mgs of adderall while simultaneously consuming another 30. This resulted in a terrible combination of amazing euphoria coupled with horrifying terror, as my heart beat itself against my rib cage. I couldn't believe I was soo stupid to do this, and vowed not to do it ever again. Then when it wore off, I convinced myself that 130 mgs at one time was just a little too much, and continued my experiments. This is all happening during the first month back to school, btw.
My life felt absolutely insanely fun to live, and I LOVED talking to anyone and everyone, making sure that even though I dominated the conversation, it would be about them, and to make them feel better. I used this as an excuse to continue the abuse, telling myself it was making me so much more personable and likeable. I'd always remember the euphoria, the talking, the loving of any and every person, and how fucking amazing music was. I loved music more than I loved sex. I always seemed to forget the terrible depression that I woke up with every day, but disappeared very quickly with a few snorts up the nose and a shower. I'd go into the water feeling like shit, and come out feeling abso-fuckin-lutely amazing. But like I said, I didn't think about that. It was just part of the routine now.
This went on for a while, and then my limited source became extremely limited, and I ran out. I never in my wildest dreams believed that I could turn from someone of such confidence that anything and everything could be done if I wanted it to happen into someone who felt all the happiness in the world was gone. I withdrew into my room for days, not talking to anyone because if I didn't feel like I was taking everything they said to be an insult. I'd get online and read and read about every time of upper out there, and just fantasize about having them all.
The feelings of self-hate were unbelievable. I believe it, though. No one goes from 200 mg of adderall a day to nothing and shrugs it off. I forgot how to talk to people, how to socialize, how to feel happy, how to live. Whenever I did manage to talk to a friend, all the sarcasm and wit and charm and humor that was so natural to me before the drugs, and amplified because of them, was not there. At all. I literally would wait for words to come out. I expected my brain to speak for me, with no real thought process happening from my perspective. It never came, and so I'd just be very short and quick with everyone I talked to, trying to get them to leave me alone.
Then I got the most exciting text I had ever received in my life: 'restocked. want any?' and this all started over. While I was playing around with this stuff, I was also trying my hand at other uppers like ritalin and dexedrine, both of which had slightly different, but still enjoyable feelings. I couldn't choose one over the over. it'd be like asking which parent you love more. They both have an intimate emotion value that you can't compare with others.
As my dosages continued to increase, so did my withdraws. It didn't wait until the next morning. They would happen between my day's first and second dose. To help with this, I started adding a third dose later on in the day, resulting in less sleep, which only served to lower my ability to say 'no more'. I was literally losing the ability to choose, instead letting the drugs choose for me. I either didn't realize this, or I had some reason for allowing it. I don't know anymore, but this went on for a long while.
Eventually a buddy who I had shared my knowledge and experiences on drugs to started to tell me I should stop, and that he could see me changing dramatically and it wasn't good change. The person who managed to find connections for me also started to withdraw from me, because I kept coming up with obviously bullshit reasons to keep using it. I'd tell him I felt like I was depressed before I used them, and I thought it may have been because I just didn't produce enough dopamine naturally, and the drugs solved that issue. I did so much research into the drugs not so I could educate myself, but so that I could fool others into obtaining them for me. I was lieing to myself and to my friends, constantly.
Then I decided to stop, I wanted to with all my heart. I felt fake, worn down, unable to do anything without having to be totally tweaked out on amphetamines. And so I did, for a while, and told all the people who knew about my drug use that I had stopped. After the longest and most depressing week of my life passed I'd tell myself, let's just have one day of fun, and then stop. One day won't hurt too much. And started it all over. This happened for about two weeks, and I started looking for the next big thing to get back to how I was feeling before I became so tolerant of amphetamines. I looked around and found a legal drug called MDPV, which was said work like ritalin, but more potent. I was thrilled, and immediately ordered it.
I was very pleasantly surprised to find that even though it didn't cause the euphoria that I was hoping for, it at the very least brought me up to base level happiness, and kept me there for the entire day. It also completly killed the cravings for other drugs, all of them. I felt like I had found the drug of a century, and how it may have saved my life. So I kept using it.
Since it was so potent, I wouldn't have to take much to feel the effects all day long, but I did start to notice it wasn't as good as I made it out to be, and in fact much worse than any amphetamine or variant on ritalin. It didn't remove my desire for just drugs, it removed any and all desires. I didn't want anything. I didn't want food, I didn't want drugs, I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to go to classes. Those are were a non issue to me, they were reduced to such a low priority in my mind, that they just didn't exist. I also found out how insanely powerful this was at removing the desire for sleep. I went for days at a time, being mentally and physically alert, but still showing all the signs of sleep deprivation, especially when talking. I sounded like I had a mild stutter, I would forget what I was talking about in the middle of a sentence. I had no sex drive at all anymore. I didn't need it. I didn't need anything, but my new good friend MDPV. It was saving my life, I thought, because I didn't want amphetamines anymore.
And now, here I am. Writing this on a sleepless night thanks to my wonder drug. It's been tapering off for a while now, but my heartrate is still uncomfortably high, and my eyes are blood shot.
I had told all my friends that I found the drugs of a life time when I first started using it, and how amazing it made me feel. In fact, I was telling them everything about me, everything at all. I now know that this stuff removes that filter in my mind that keeps certain stuff secret, and told everyone everything about me, no matter how dark or secret it was.
My mind wants to sleep so badly now, but I don't feel tired. I don't know what it feels like anymore. I stand in front of snack machines for 10 minutes whenever I go, because I can't figure out what I'm craving, but my stomach growls constantly. I don't enjoy music anymore, it seems annoying in the background. I skip classes because they seem pointless.
MDPV is the worst thing I have ever used. It is the most evil drug to ever been created. It makes me feel like I can take control of my situation, even if I felt like I am in the deepest hole. But then it keeps me awake for so long that the motivation it gave me becomes its motivation. I was taking it to not feel cravings. I was craving a drug to prevent the cravings of other drugs. It's so stupid to think about now, and I'm almost tearing up at how much I hate myself for what I've become.
I just don't know how much worse the situation can be, it's so bad as it is. I feel so weak and helpless in this regard. MDPV calls the shots now, and I can't keep myself from using it. It's there to help me, right? That's what I'll believe anyways, when it's right in front of me. I don't know what to write now.. I'm going to try to rest for a class in 4 hours, hoping to rescue myself from failing this semester. All the time I spent thinking about drugs has been switched out with me wondering why I started using them, I obsess over it. I hate myself for allowing this to happen, to make myself so weak, and I still obsess over it. I am thinking it right now as I write this.
Use my experience to keep yourself from doing the same. I.. just hate MDPV. I can't think enough to find words to describe what I feel about it. It's powdered ignorance and hate in one small white pile at a time. Hopefully I can convince myself to keep away from it, and at the very least keep my earlier lie from being a lie. I can keep myself away.. I can keep myself away. I just have to keep saying this. I just have to believe myself, but at the same time ignore myself. I can already feel the thoughts coming back, that it will help me. At the very least make me not feel so badly anymore. But I can't use it. I can't use it.
I can't use it.
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