Citation: lost. "The Long Spiral Out of Control: An Experience with Amphetamines (Adderall) (exp81229)". Erowid.org. Feb 2, 2022. erowid.org/exp/81229
My experience with Adderall began years ago. The experience that I'm writing about has not yet ended, and is, right as I write this, in full action. It's a long one that started from a simple diagnosis of ADD from a local psychiatrist and a prescription for 10 mgs of Adderall XR once a day. This was the beginning to a long journey that I've still not been back from, still unsure of when, or if ever I will return from.
When I got my prescription for Adderall, I knew that it was a highly sought after drug. I knew it could help me lose your appetite, do better in school, and complete many more tasks than I would normally. When I got Adderall, I didn't realize that years later, it would be controlling the way I live my life. I didn't realize how fast I could spiral out of control.
I can still vaguely remember the day I took my first 10 mg pill of Adderall. I was in 10th grade. I took it in the morning before going to school, unsure of exactly what to expect. It started to kick in a little while after I took by the time I entered homeroom. I started to feel sick at the thought of eating and like there were tons of things I needed to get done. Normally, the thought of having many things I needed to get done was bothersome, but with Adderall, I wanted and anticipated completing them. I think I had weighed between 135 and 150 lbs at the time. I remember paying close attention all day, taking notes on things in every class that day along with completing my homework (which I had previously rarely done). I loved it. I felt like I could achieve almost anything, and finally I had the ambition to do it.
I continued taking it during the summer even though I wasn't in school, it helped me to get things done throughout the day. I'd take it as prescribed once a day, even skip pills on the weekends. I continued using it into 11th grade but felt somewhere during the year that I wasn't feeling the effects of it as much and at one of my one-every-two-month, I expressed my concerns to my psychiatrist who suggested an increase in my dosage to 20 mg of Adderall XR once daily.
I took those once a day, into my senior year, except for the occasional day where I had extra things to accomplish and I'd take another one in the evening to keep up. I knew that the amount of days in which I did this, I would be losing a day of having any Adderall at all because it's a controlled substance and you can't get refills, only a new prescription each month and the pharmacy won't refill it earlier than one month after your last bottle. Some time during my senior year, I had gotten a prescription for an extra 10 mgs in the afternoon, because I felt like it was wearing off a lot quicker. I also dropped down to 98 lbs at one point and I felt great about it. I would hardly eat, with no appetite to do so. I kept a low weight for quite some time (but I'm unsure of what I weighed exactly and when during most of the whole experience).
During this time, I had started taking more than I was supposed to even more days because I felt I hadn't accomplished enough.
I had started taking more than I was supposed to even more days because I felt I hadn't accomplished enough.
The year after I graduated was where I think it really took its hold on me. My friends left for college and I didn't, I stayed home, still unsure of what I was going to do with my life. I had all this time here, if there weren't actual tasks needing done, I would make them. I'd write lists. A lot of them were pointless, like my lists of favorite names, songs at the time, favorite websites (already bookmarked), birthdays (that were already saved in my calendar), among others. I'd even go back every once in a while and completely rewrite these lists, when there was no real need. I cleaned a lot, organized everything in my room or even other parts of the house. Things were arranged by color or date usually, depending on what it was. I bought folders so I could separate different documents and drawings, I would buy notebook after notebook to write more things down. I even have a binder with songs that I had saved the lyrics to on my computer but wrote them down anyways.
I would take more and more to keep up with even the most pointless tasks and I'd pull multiple all-nighters just in a week. I began running out of my months pills earlier and earlier each month and started spending days and then eventually weeks without any Adderall. The first few days without it are the hardest, when I start coming down and my body tries to function without it and I feel terrible. I usually sleep about 20 or more hours the first 3-5 days without and then I gradually find more energy each day, but never enough to get things done that I want. I just lay around, hardly being able to wait for the day the pharmacy will finally let me pick up more Adderall. I find my appetite and end up gaining weight. Then I lose part of it when I finally get a refill.
This brings us to my current way of life. I get adderall once a month, I go through both bottles of it in about a week now. Sometimes a day or so more, it depends. I run out, have days of withdrawals and then try to get through the next 3 weeks. I promise myself I won't take so many when I finally get them, but I always do. After an adderall binge, I usually have to take my anxiety medicine or my sleeping pills (Klonopin and Restoril) to help me come down. I take multiple, because I usually have been up for days and I know I need sleep. I weigh about 135 right now because of the ups and downs with having/not having adderall and my now shitty metabolism.
I was prescribed the sleeping pills (for severe insomnia) because my doctors were concerned about my sleeping patterns (staying up for days, sleeping for extended periods of time) but what they didn't know is that I was doing this because of Adderall. I get paranoid a lot, another effect I believe is from the amount of adderall I take so for this, I was prescribed Klonopin a few months ago. So now I use these to come down and to get through the weeks where I have no supply of Adderall. Right now, I'm writing this on 50 mgs of Adderall, I'm going to be out in a few days and I got a refill 3 days ago. That means I go through 60 pills in about 7 days.
I am addicted. Adderall is a powerful substance. It can be amazing when you have control over your use but addiction can happen before you even realize you're losing control. It can be helpful in school, completing things and a lot more but it has a bad side. It's so amazing that it's terrible. I love it and I hate it. I want to get help but I don't want to. I don't want to lose it altogether. I'm scared, it's affecting my life and my health and my future, but it's Adderall.
I never thought I would be like this, but it doesn't take long for things to spiral out of control.
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