Citation: jbp. "Candyflip Overdose: An Experience with LSD and MDMA (exp8082)". Erowid.org. Feb 20, 2004. erowid.org/exp/8082
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This took place at a small rave, later on at someone's apartment. The first 1/3 of the LSD was taken at the same time as MDMA, the rest probably about an hour later. I wouldn’t suggest that anyone do this on purpose, I think the profound psychological effects are dangerous. I just think this experience is way too odd not to tell people about.
When you read this, remember that I had to break these concepts from their original state in order to fit them into coherent thoughts expressible through language. To grasp a more accurate representation of them, remember that there is no flow of time here, these events, although I say “then…” for the most part didn’t happen in any order. I use the concept of linear time flow here just to correlate these mental constructs with cause-effect thought relationships that existed here somewhat outside of time.
It was supposed to be an interesting experience, but I never expected it to go so far. Perception, thought, and memories became indistinguishable. My mind became a house of mirrors, but these mirrors were multi-dimensional, irregular, and rotated on all axis. I don’t remember which was the first to go, but both time and space relative to my physical self were lost. Much of that evening I cannot remember, most of that which I can didn’t actually happen. I felt my concept of right and wrong, and my formed personality melt away in a pool of entropy and instinct. If my perceived reality had been more coherent, I may have been a danger to others.
I saw what I believed to be the true nature of time, formed only by endless loops of thought. I witnessed an imagined event where the fabric of reality itself began to fold, simplify, and cross-cancel. Somehow everyone knew what was happening, but could not stop it. Time slowed, individuals’ reality fragmented, minds fractured, malfunctioned, and there was chaos. Everything structured fell, society crumbled, and morality disappeared. Somehow we knew at the climactic cessation of this event that we would all cease to exist, so none of this mattered anyway. All things began to take on a fractal nature, distilling into their constituent parts, for me everything seemed very sexual in it’s true nature, as reality unzipped into halves, then halves of halves, etc... The incessant beating of linear thought (abstracted time) became more and more pronounced, those around me began to sing along with reality as it flowed around us, only because there was nothing else we could do, all that was to be hoped for was silence, rest.
This all started with me watching from my stable linear-minded point of view, so this all appeared to me as just bunch of craziness going on around me, truly chaotic and incomprehensible. The odd thing about this perspective was that it was as if my face were pressed up against a TV screen, watching some news channel cover these events. Then I found myself shifting perspective as if we were all characters in a play, trading places at random. Even the apparent flow of time didn’t go as it should. I found myself in the back seat of a car, during the day, only entering this perspective as I was pulling the trigger of a shotgun pointed at another person. The blast ripped up his torso exposing his ribs and internal organs, and taking off a large portion of his head. Then I looked around me, and all the people I saw were actors from TV or movies, and none of them seemed shocked, as if they knew what was happening. I wasn’t scared. Then, like they’d don’t it before, everyone began to examine their surrounding trying to figure out who they were supposed to be and what situation they had gotten into. Maybe these people were shifting just as I was, only for some reason they knew what they were doing; perhaps they’d been at it longer. They kept telling me something like “it doesn’t end, it just keeps going, and there is no after-party.” I had no idea what they were talking about.
Then I was back pressed against my TV screen, only this time what I was a mixture of the news coverage I’d mentioned before, plus my own imagined perception, with police, helicopters, and commentary on “yet another mind lost”…perhaps… What had I done? Was this real, had I killed someone? Holy crap, I couldn’t tell of these little bits of perception filtering in to me were real or imagined. Then I was back in a room, reality continued to condense, and everyone continued to wait for existence to end, perhaps a defense mechanism was for my mind to feel that way too. Then time slowed to a near stop, I was surrounded my time-space breaking in halves and crystallizing, and was relieved that silence, rest, was coming. Gradually things far away from me ceased to exist, reality had forked and these things broke away and got isolated on a different segment of the collapsing universe. But at this point morality was gone; I had been stripped to my pure instinctive drive, so these losses didn’t matter to me. Reality got very small, quiet, and thought took on a more rudimentary structure.
I had thought that at the convergence of everything, I would cease to exist, and would be at rest. However, this was not the case. As time came to a stop, and everything fell into a single point, it all exploded again and all temporal structures flowed backwards. Only this time they weren’t lines at all, reality appeared to be truly cyclic, and everything I had experienced in this state looped and continued to flow through infinite splitting and convergence in an endless tangle of thoughts and reality, but by this “point” there was no such thing as reality at all. My perspective began to change again, and the situations I was in before continued to develop, only this time there were no minds left to manage the flow of time. The mess left by the chaotic mega-event I spoke of earlier was incomprehensible. Not only were human moral constructs violated and things worldly destroyed, but also my mind (and my models of the minds I saw around me) was thrown into an inescapable loop of perception, repetition, and geometric patterns. Maybe this was what he meant by “it doesn’t end…keeps going…” At this point my mind was probably about as far away from reality as it has ever been.
I suppose I was in this state for quite some time, lying on the floor of the bathroom I’m told. More and more little pieces of coherent perception began seeping in. I had brief moments where I felt I was in a place with people, and parts of my constructed personality formed simple thoughts for brief moments. I felt self-conscious when I though I was naked, things like this. Eventually I found myself in a place (a room), at a time (some morning), somewhere that really existed and I could think in lines again. I was genuinely surprised to be back to reality, it seemed rather foreign to me.
I don’t know if I have any permanent damage from this experience. But I have noticed that I can now definitely feel my instinctive sub-personality more. And the thought of life ending with silence is much more appealing to me than some of the alternatives I now know about. I didn’t think so immediately afterward, but after some serious thought, this was probably one of the most disturbing and unusual experiences of my life.
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