Citation: Thea. "I Felt So Normal: An Experience with Morphine & Clonazepam (exp80678)". Erowid.org. Oct 26, 2013. erowid.org/exp/80678
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Morphine: 2 tablets at 15mg each, swallowed at once, total 30mg. Taken for pain. Swallowed another 15mg tablet an hour or so later, totaling 45mg. 2 Clonazepam tablets swallowed, 0.5 mg at once, equaling 1 mg. Taken for anxiety. AlphaStim100: FDA-approved electronic device for anxiety, depression and insomnia.
Background: Totally blind from birth, have major depression, anxiety and atypical panic attacks. I'm a strong, or projector, synesthete. My senses of touch, hearing, and emotion combine and stimulate each other. I have diabetes type 2 developed later in life, and rheumatoid arthritis, also developed later. 44 years of age.
Zero hour: 5:45 Took 30mg morphine, 2mg clonazepam
I'm alone. My anxiety attack is making it hard to eat, because my synesthesia is stimulated by anxiety, and I hear yelling voices in my right ear (not schizzophrenic), and sometimes feel things crawling on my hands. Very nasty to be alone during one of these attacks. But I know I must eat in order not to get sick from taking meds on an empty stomach--empty, except for caffeinated herbal tea. Took a bite at zero hour.
6 PM: eating slowly but steadily and writing this. Still alone. Some tea remains but I'm laying off till this attack blows over. As long as I don't fuel it with too much food energy at once, it's not too bad. Same thing would happen with exercise. Once the Clonazepam kicks in, things will go easier. Beginning to feel like listening to an audio-described movie.
7 PM: All finished eating and drank the tea, too. Feeling fine. Put on AlphaStim100, an FDA-approved electronic device that delivers low-level electricity to the brain to balance electrochemical brain signals for anxiety, depression, and insomnia. Between that, the morphine, and the Clonazepam, I feel pretty good. A sort of familiarity and comfort has descended on me. Content to be with family. Enjoyed listening to an audio-described movie, but now hanging out with my hubby. The depressed introversion has been replaced with feeling like doing things and being with people. Like morphine, the AlphaStim 100 releases beta-endorphins, while the Clonazepam inhibits GABA. All in all, a combination conducive to an alert sense of relaxation, a sort of inner furry feeling. More apt to make typos than usual. No druggy or doped feeling, just feeling good and out of my shell. Don't know whether to play a game on my computer or roll back in my chair and enjoy the furry feelings.
7:30: Went out to the hammock. Listened to our water fountain, was aware of my daughter's TV playing from the open window. Chatted with God a bit. But felt some residual pain in my back which wrapped around to my right breast.
7:52 PM: Took another 15 mg of morphine, 1 tablet swallowed with water. Still feeling pretty relaxed, and very good, just want to do something about that pain in the back, which would be more acute had I not taken the 30mg a couple hours ago. Still wearing the AlphaStim.
9:30 pm: Spent the evening on the phone with a friend. Feeling comfy as fur. The only inner conflict is, should I do something fun like play a computer game, or lay in bed and enjoy whatever comes into my mind? Wish this feeling would last for days instead of hours. Ate some chocolate for the extra endorphins, and also hope the fuel will prolong the high, which doesn't feel like a high at all. It just feels like I wish I could always feel. Oh yes, and I just removed the AlphaStim100. I wore it longer than the recommended hour. Realized that what I really wanted to do is worship God, not indulge in fantasy or computer games. It seems that when I'm pain-free, both physically and mentally, my thoughts turn to worship, and the earthly things that I usually turn to when depressed, like daydreaming, don't seem as appealing as worshipping God. Listened to some gospel music for a while. I felt very into it.
10:15: Beginning to feel tired, but having experienced morphine's propensity for insomnia, I took 10mg, that is, two Melatonin tablets. Now I want to play a computer game. I notice how I want to keep switching from doing one appealing activity, then suddenly focusing on another, equally appealing activity.
1:25 AM: Time to try sleeping. I enjoyed playing the computer game, but it's time to see if the Melatonin tablets will overcome Miss M.'s propensity to cause insomnia.
12 Noon, the Next day: For several hours, I lay on the edge of hypnogogic, that is the dreamy state before sleep. Quite restful, but not the real thing. Prone to sexual fantasies. Must've been all those endorphins. Wink. Eventually, I did get to sleep and it was a good seven hours.
Conclusion: Owing to morphine's feel-good-not-high feeling, I can see why it's so addictive. Something that made me feel like I was climbing the walls, like I was God or invincible, or wacked out, wouldn't tempt me. This stuff makes me feel as if I'd never been physically or emotionally sick, and I do need to watch it. It just makes me feel so...normal and good and comfortable. Big danger sign for me, as I rarely get to have those feelings.
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