Citation: goomba. "Seeing the Reality of Loneliness: An Experience with LSD (exp80654)". Erowid.org. May 3, 2015. erowid.org/exp/80654
||(blotter / tab)
It’s my first summer experimenting with psychedelics and other psychoactive drugs. My friends had had this interest before I felt comfortable with the idea. And we’d finally made plans to trip together; we actually planned on candy flipping.
We were going to this small music festival held at a barn/someone’s house during mid August. I was a bit wary of tripping, I’d never done anything without my boyfriend being around, and we were usually alone together or just at a park together. I’d not let myself appreciate the importance of set and setting… I’d finished a rough week of work and social problems, and my boyfriend had been out of town for weeks.
I wanted to have a good time and didn’t want to spend the night sober. Around 6pm my friend and I dosed. I’d had some blotter left over from a music festival. I thought I had 1 white on white and one purple blotter. They looked different, not purple but grey, so I thought I had the 2 white on white blotters. This was my second mistake… they were 2 of the stronger purple blotter. I’d only planned on taking 1, but since it was the “weaker” one, I took both.
Things got weird pretty quickly… the most abrupt come-up I’d experienced thus far. I don’t remember much, my other friend arrived and took 1 of the same blotter I’d had. Then the three of us who were tripping got a bit antsy because one of our friends just kept saying “You’re fine, you’re fine.” Even though we didn’t feel fine.
I kept being ignored by everyone around me… which was difficult for me because I love interacting with people. I had some visuals, but everything that happened before dusk arrived is a bit fuzzy. I told my friend M that I was getting a bit overwhelmed, and she told me to smoke some weed. I took one hit, felt some immediate relief as I exhaled, but then the panic came back shortly afterward.
As darkness crept in, music was still playing and I was becoming increasingly anxious. I kept getting separated from my friends, and the darkness was a bit scary for me, since I usually tripped during the daylight hours.
I remember little after that. I’d called my boyfriend once I got very nervous and we talked, hearing his voice was the only thing I really understood, as everything around me became so very confusing. There were many people, a lot of cars driving by and lots of lots and sounds. I felt like I was spinning around in circles and during every revolution things were different in the places I’d passed before.
I talked with my boyfriend for a bit but then he needed to go, and I told him I was going to go find my friends. I went into the crowd and found my friend's boyfriend, T, who was sober. I tried to tell him things were going badly and I was a bit nervous but everyone just thought I was worried I wouldn’t make friends, not that my trip was going in the wrong direction.
When the time came, around 9pm, us three got together and decided whether or not to take the beans we’d purchased. Gladly the consensus was no, we were all plenty “out there” and didn’t need any more chemicals.
The whole night is a bit fuzzy, but at some point I went and got T and my friend to get me some juice. I walked around with my juice, a blanket and my cell phone. We were sitting near the stage when my two friends went away to dance. T also went to follow his girlfriend to dance. I guess I looked ok to everyone, because no one bothered to stick around. My friend from work who I’d been texting showed up, and tried to come over and say hello, but I was afraid of the way he looked and was confused as to what to say.
Eventually I was alone with my juice sitting on a blanket. Then I began to cry and become more confused, since I’d tried telling my friends I needed help but still, no one was listening. I imagined seeing myself laying on this blanket next to this crowd of people… like my vision was floating away but my pain was still inside my body. I didn’t want to let go and see myself… I was afraid of what I might see. I then started to think everyone was staring at me… but a girl did eventually come up to me and asked if I needed anything. I said no thank you, and decided that I needed to move. I wandered around in the crowd, looking for my friends and being overwhelmed by the number of people.
I was crying pretty hard by then and ran into an acquaintance of mine. He was with two other guys. I told him to find my one friend, C. He left me with his two friends, one of which tried to talk me down but I was inconsolable. They found my friend C, but she added to my chaotic state. She just kept mentioning things… saying words that had no connections whatsoever. I walked away again and sat on a blanket.
I was able to call my boyfriend once again. I was next to a barn where a lot of people were hanging out. A guy walked out and peed very close to where I was sitting. I looked at him and his body and his penis reminded me of the penis of a man who sexually assaulted me. This struck fear to my core, and I began to be afraid of the male body. I then thought of how my boyfriend had these same parts, and his voice was no longer my last shred of reality. I couldn’t understand everything he was saying. I saw a cop car on the road but didn’t really register that law enforcement was there, and I was clearly not sober.
After more fuzziness and confusion, my boyfriend convinced me to go to the tent we pitched. It was very dark, as I had no flashlight. I laid in the tent, feeling a bit better, trying to grasp onto the situation. But my waves of what seemed to be insanity kept coming back, pulling me under… I had the thoughts of “I’ll never come out of this” and how nothing I could think of was comforting or safe. I was wondering if I was safe being alone. I began seeing things in the shadows of the tent. I told my boyfriend what we were going to do once we saw each other, as I was excited for it, but my sweet ideas turned into dark and scary thoughts.
My friend came into the tent, C, and was still just speaking words. She never registered that I’d been in there as well. My boyfriend's phone died, and I no longer had anyone to talk to. It was about 11pm at this point. (another major mistake: keeping check on the time) I then decided I needed to pull myself out of this, myself. I’d already been nearing the end of the turbulence, based on the time I dosed. I knew reality was only a few storms away. I told myself my name, my birth date, what I’d ingested, where I was and who I was with. I told myself that I was in control of this, and I could hold on to this awareness if I just concentrated on it, and didn’t let my mind wander. I emerged from the tent once again and went to the stage, to try and dance and find my friends. The uneasiness slowly slid away as I came down and was on the tail end of my trip.
I felt embarrassed about having such a meltdown in front of so many new friends… but by the end of the night I was just trying to be myself. They all understood where I’d been. Once I’d come down I apologized to my boyfriend for making him my lifeline during that time.
The day after I felt weird and very tired from the experience, and still a bit off from all the confusion. I didn’t eat much the day of or after the trip, and felt quite ill the day following.
This was my first very difficult experience… not the first time I’d come across problems with myself (loneliness, insecurities), but the first time I’d been in such a bad place for that to happen. And I’d never been so confused. Usually I’d felt almost in control, but silly. Never again will I underestimate the importance of set and setting.
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