Citation: the guy next door. "My Life Revolves Around Something I Can Never Get: An Experience with Cocaine (Crack) (exp80171)". Erowid.org. Sep 14, 2017. erowid.org/exp/80171
The past 5 years of my life.
Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I never tried cocaine, or to be more precise crack cocaine. I could write a book on the subject. But I will cut to my crack use. I am 26 years old at the moment. About 5 years ago I got into crack cocaine. I have drained my bank account several times over been to rehab twice. I have no criminal record. I have spent many nights in low income neibourhoods getting crack. Picking up hookers so I can eventually get more crack. I no longer get ripped off, not that it's anything to be proud of. I never smoke crack with people or drive around on it anymore. I do it alone. And I get paranoid. Its pathetic.
After the first couple hits I start hearing things or see shadows moving. When I am on it I live in constant fear of my neighbor or someone I know breaking down the door and finding me there, all alone….In filth with my fingers covered in ash, my huge pupils and my erratic paranoid behavior. Usually I am naked and I am obsessed with porn when I'm on it. Not that I have ever been able to get it up…all it does is make me want more.
That’s what crack does to you. Makes you want more. A crack head once told me all were doing is chasing the high. As soon as you exhale you want more. Ive never met anyone who could be called successful…maybe for a short time they still have a job but eventually……everybody's human and you lose it all. Its never enough.
I cant cheat the chemicals in my brain….what goes up must come down….and I come down hard. The more I do it the worse it gets..until it’s the only thing that makes me happy anymore. Im not sure how long it actually lasts for….but it's not long enough and never will be.
I don’t have a girlfriend. I have a lot of porn and am addicted to it. Ive been to rehab like I said and they tell you a lot but tend to emphasize it’s a disease.
I've come to realize its not. And its my own damn fault. Period. I've had hundreds of opportunities to not buy it or do it….But I always do. And as soon as I get a taste of it…there goes the bank account. 1 week ago I bought some after 7 months. Before that was about 1 ½ years off it. I've only blown $300. About 4 hours ago I bought $100 worth and am coming down as I type this. I want more. I know it sounds messed up considering I know first hand what it will do to me for the next few hours.
As I sit in the dark listening and peering out the window waiting…..waiting for someone or something to kick down the door. To make it stop. To move on with my life. To not be all alone. Maybe that’s it…loneliness. I don’t know. To be honest I don’t really trust women and would much rather prefer porn to the real thing. My life revolves around something I can never get. Guys my age have girlfriends, careers. Maybe even a mortgage. I have a family that has helped me through all this but yet everyday I think about doing it more or less. I don’t look like a “crackhead” actually I have a SUV and 2 jobs. I look more like a computer guy or gamer not someone who would smoke crack. But it fills that void for the few seconds it lasts, everything is okay.
But it fills that void for the few seconds it lasts, everything is okay.
Thankfully I cannot access my savings account from atm’s. I only have $30 in my account at the moment. Yet I still want more. I have a few oz’s of pot and some honey oil (like hash) so I'm hoping it will bring sleep. When I wake up I will think a lot more clearly hopefully. I'm moving in less than a week so I'm hoping everything works out. I don’t know what more to say or if this even will be posted on the site. I'm too spun and I'm sure there's spelling errors or whatnot. But if your reading this because you are thinking about trying it. I hope you make the right choice. And if your reading it because someone you care for is having the same issues as me…I hope you got something out of what I said. And I hope I can sleep tonight. I haven’t been to work in a week. Im 90% sure I will be fired tomorrow morning. But its my own damn fault,there's no going back. I must move and start over. mentally I mean.
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