Citation: A.R.M. "First and Last Roll: An Experience with Ecstasy (exp79461)". Erowid.org. Jan 23, 2018. erowid.org/exp/79461
I took my first and last roll back in December of '08. I had just gone through a terrible breakup, and my birthday had just passed. I'd spent a while crying and feeling sorry for myself. I had a few of my very close friends helping me out, and I was starting to talk to my good friend Nate on a more personal level. He has never done any illegal substance, and I do consider him a good influence on me. He would always tell me not to smoke. I hadn't smoked weed in months, and I figured I was doing alright. One day I was lounging around the house with my friend Angela. I had gotten a phone call from my ex earlier. He had called me every name in the book and told me he had moved on to another girl. I was enraged, and sick of dealing with all the pain I had. I had friends who had rolled before, and it seemed to me that weed wasn't killing the pain the way I wanted it to. I decided to get a new attitude, be a bold person and try X.
I called up my friend Arturo and had him buy us some rolls. I assured him that I'd pay him back but he said it would be on him because of everything I had been going through. I did no research on it, just knew you had to keep hydrated and entertained. Myself, Angela, Nate, Arturo and our friend Josh met up that night at a local music venue. There was supposed to be a show that night, and we figured it was a good environment. Josh was not originally included in our plan, but I gave him half of my second roll because I figured I wouldn't need it. I forget what kind of pill it was, I only remember that it was green and supposably laced with acid. It was small and I kept thinking to myself, 'How is this thing supposed to fuck me up.' Everyone in our group but Nate popped some; Josh and Angela split one, I took a whole, and Arturo took three. We all sat there just acting normal and looking at each other once in a while. Every time I looked at Nate, however, I felt a twinge of guilt. I knew he didn't want me to take them, and I knew he didn't want to be there. But he didn't want to leave just in case something bad happened.
Forty-five minutes into it... It had been nothing. But suddenly it hit Josh and I simultaneously. I looked at him and he looked at me. I remember asking him if it had gotten smokey in the room. He said yeah. So we walked down the short hallway to the water fountain. The hallway stretched out and it felt like an eternity before we reached the fountain. We slurped tiny sips of water and felt pleasant. As we stumbled back into the main part of the building, Arturo and Angela were laughing at each other. I sat myself on the corner of the stage next to Nate and felt the extreme urge to be close. I hadn't felt that way since my ex... And it felt good to rest my head on his shoulder. I was very happy and very pleasant. Josh and I moved to a table and just sat. He stared at his I-pod while I obsessed over what time it was. Every time I felt afraid or felt like I was going to go out of my mind completely, I would look at the time and recite it in my best voice. I would giggle and close my phone; only to open it again 45 seconds later. Everything was going great.
I recall hitting pockets of normality once in a while. Where everything stopped swirling around and I felt pretty normal. I could walk without help and get up and drink when I needed to. I remember Arturo looking at my eyes and mumbling something in spanish before telling me not to look anyone in the eyes because my pupils had overflowed and covered the brown in my eyes. I was okay. Everything was fine.
And almost in an instant; almost like someone hitting a switch; everything took a turn for the worse. The show had begun and I had been calm while listening to the acoustic guitar. The sound was soothing and made me feel so peaceful. However, the musicians switched, and next in line was a piano piece. I began to feel my face get hot... I was suddenly angrier than I'd been all night.
I began to feel my face get hot... I was suddenly angrier than I'd been all night.
The piano piece was fast, angry, composed entirely of low notes... Nothing felt right anymore. My peace had been broken. I picked my head up off the table and put my head in my hands. I let my hands fall to the table and I sat there. Scared, angry and disoriented. Angela kept asking me if I was alright; if I needed anything. I don't remember saying anything to her, though I'm sure I must've said something. My friends were watching as my eyes flickered back into my head. I could feel myself grinding my teeth and I lost control. I couldn't stop. I returned my gaze to the table. Looking at my arm, I simply saw my skin slipping away from my arm. I was mortified; I could see my muscle structure and veins...almost like a picture from a biology text book. I felt sick and knew I needed to fix this, I needed to get my arm back to normal. What were my grandparents going to think?
I flashed a look of horror at Nate and I tried to mouth the words I'm sorry to him one more time. I had felt so much remorse towards everyone that night; I wasn't sure why I was apologizing half the time but I kept on. As the panic took over me, I stumbled out of the venue onto the sidewalk outside. It had to have been at least 20 below, and I was in jeans and a tank top. What was I doing? I didn't want to be outside. I forgot my sweatshirt. Oh well. I clutched my arm to my stomach, trying to prevent more skin from falling off. The sidewalk was spinning; it was throwing off my balance. How could I walk? Where was I even going? What about my purse? All that didn't matter. I heard people calling my name behind me, trying to get my attention. It sounded so distant... Their voices echoed through my mind. I turned around but wasn't sure what to do. There was a snow bank next to me and suddenly I was extremely hot. I tried so hard to cool off and I was trying to catch my balance. I felt myself falling slowly; it wasn't frightening, but I felt myself gently falling to the ground; and I knew I couldn't catch myself. I felt myself going to sleep or so it felt. Suddenly it was black.
It was quiet. I was conscious. And in someone's arms. I opened my eyes to find Ted, a friend of mine and several others surrounding me. I was shivering and it was cold again. Someone must've slipped a jacket onto me because I immediately appreciated its warmth and comfort. I learned that we had been kicked out of the music venue. I had caused such a scene... I was so embarrassed. I hit a quick pocket of normality again, and I heard someone talking about taking Angela and I to the hospital. Apparently, she wasn't breathing right, and kept gasping for breaths. I immediately objected. There was no way I was going to the hospital. I wanted to be a nurse... Nurses don't go to hospitals for popping ecstasy... I felt myself yelling, and telling people I was okay, I was fine, there was no need for a hospital. Someone must've called George, a friend of ours, because he came to pick us up. Nate, Angela and I slipped into the back seat of the care and I felt myself become peaceful again. Normality was gone. Things were slow and swirling. I was content and the subtle vibrations of the car and the soft music put me at ease. I stroked Angela's head and gave her the window seat so she could breathe. I could tell she was shaking and I was pretty sure I was too. I tried coaching her through her breathing and it helped her out.
We sat in that car and feelings poured out of me. I remember talking about my ex... And his new love interest. I remember feeling ashamed, I knew I wasn't good enough and I knew he was going to leave me eventually anyway. I felt so sad and sick. I felt so drained. I suddenly wanted to sleep. I lay my head on Nate's shoulder and began to drift. But not for long. George warned Nate that I shouldn't sleep, I needed to wait another hour or so for the peak to be over with. I struggled for the remainder of the night to keep myself awake. As the end of the night approached and I was no longer rolling so hard, I scattered to my grandfather's car, Angela in tow. We were very quiet. Angela went home and said goodnight, and I went home and sat in my bed. I fell asleep quickly, and I awoke expecting it to be noon the next day. I felt so rested... But it had only been an hour. I remember trying to text people so I could have help; I needed someone's help. I felt scared and alone in the bed. I looked over at my body pillow, but it appeared to me as a dead body. I gasped and clicked on the light. I was okay. I woke up at two and didn't go back to sleep until at least 8 that night. I had gone for so long with so little sleep, I wondered how I had made it.
My trip was terrible. As was Angela's. I had moments where I was sure I was going to die, and moments where I felt so happy that I never wanted to stop rolling. And I had the moments when I looked at Nate and wanted to break down and cry. Had I listened, I could've avoided so much chaos. He was my hero that night. He stood between me and the street so that I couldn't get hurt when I was out on the sidewalk. He listened to me and accepted all my pathetic apologies instead of just staring like everyone else. I am thankful I had someone that I could depend on, and someone who was there when I needed them most. It was the most eye opening experience of my life. Terrible first time; enough to make me quit all drugs cold turkey.
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