Citation: Antisocialist. "Sucked Into a Nihilistic Void: An Experience with Cannabis (exp77874)". Erowid.org. Sep 27, 2018. erowid.org/exp/77874
It was a relatively warm night for early March. I was exhausted considering it was just past midnight Saturday morning and I hadn't rested or eaten since I got home from school. I didn't really want to toke but I had already given my friend some money to reserve a share of supposedly amazing weed. Before this I had only smoked cannabis three times, but none of them were much more than placebo. I was on a crusade of conquering my phobias because I had no self esteem left to fall back on. From the second I woke up to the second I fell asleep I felt weak and powerless and I knew it had to change. One of my greatest fears was 'losing control' of my mind, whether it be through mind-altering substances or schizophrenia. I decided I couldn't live with myself any longer unless I faced this fear. A couple friends parked in the driveway of my toking buddy. The location is very remote- a quarter mile driveway branching off of a dark, country road surrounded by tall pine trees. The closest house was a good 200 yards away and my toking partner's grandma owns it. We walk into his back yard in the woods and equipped the Monster 'BFC' water bong for use. I already felt the adrenaline kicking in. It was loaded and passed to me along with the lighter.
I fired up the bong and deeply inhaled. The familiar peppery taste (I don't know why I associate weed with black pepper) filled my mouth. I had only planned on taking a couple hits just to mellow out but my friend convinced me to 'take just one more hit'... six times. He is an experienced smoker and explained that, although I paid him for my share, he couldn't stand to see weed go to waste. Before I finished the seventh hit I started to feel the effects, though I dismissed at first to be just my imagination. I felt 'lost' in the woods even while I stared directly at the car. I wanted to hurry back to the car before I lost my ability to navigate straight forward.
I finally get into the back seat of the car while my toking partner runs up to his room to drop off his duffel bag. I was already trapped in a foreign dimension where time seemed to literally stop. The words 'Oh shit' filled my mind as I realized, to my horror, that I had smoked much more than required to 'just mellow out'. I immediately began to panic as I looked out the windows of the car and forgot where I was. I could hear the two friends in the front seats talking (most likely making fun of my heavy breathing and moans) but the words they spoke were empty- it was like they were speaking in a foreign language. That was when I realized that I was abandoned and all on my own. It was like going on a camping trip and wanting to go home as soon as you set up your tent. I was no longer in the world I have lived my entire life.
I was no longer in the world I have lived my entire life.
It was gone forever (I thought) and there was no turning back. I waited frantically for my friend to come back to the car so I could have him convince me it was only temporary. The radio was playing Godsmack's 'Voodoo' (I normally hate mainstream radio). I was deluded to believe that the music was being played live right behind me when I closed my eyes. I had vivid visualizations synchronizing to the music as I sat with my eyes closed. I felt paralyzed but I could still slowly move my head to look around the car. I repetitively looked at the objects on the seat beside me, at the people in the front seats, and out the window. All the while I was thinking 'this can't be happening' and continued to explore the depths of my dark imagination. It seemed like my toking partner was gone for an eternity but my friends confirmed days later that it was only five minutes. That was when I realized it was going to be a hellishly long night. He returned. The quest to Taco Bell began.
At this point I was pretty much mentally retarded, and I feared I had lost everything and became nothing. Life itself became void of any purpose. It was as if literally everything in the world became so simple that I had no reason to continue on. I kept picturing in my head complex diagrams on white paper. I could have been amused for hours simply by looking through a magazine. The roads we were traveling were at one time very familiar but now they were alien. The lines between my imagination and reality were smudged therefore I repeatedly asked my friends if they just said some specific phrase. I could have sworn I heard the same things being said perpetually over and over again. I can only recall about five minutes of the entire fifteen minute drive. I remember feeling extremely warm throughout my body. My brain felt 'fuzzy' and my heart seemed to be pounding so rapidly that I felt it. It almost triggered a panic attack but I remembered hearing countless 'professionals' warn that peoples' hearts do speed up slightly but that it's nothing to worry about. Toward the end of the trip I noticed my toking partner was throwing pretzels at our driver. We have arrived at our destination, but why did we come here in the first place?
I was in and out of lucidity, and even when I was lucid I figured I had to be dreaming it all. I came back into lucidity as everyone else in the car laughed hysterically while my toking partner (who I shall refer to as 'A' from now on) was talking back to the voice in the Taco Bell ordering speaker.
The short moment at the drive-thru window was the most comical moment of my life. I didn't have a true reason to laugh while I was in Hell but I didn't care. I felt obligated to contribute to the utterly stupid comments being shouted out the window. We parked in the parking lot while the rest of the people in the car ate. I was determined to end my cottonmouth once and for all. This was no easy task. I first had to choose the correct words that would magically grant me with water. It took me about twenty seconds to compose 'Give me the water'. I carefully stripped the straw from the wrapper and inserted it in the lid. My only concern in the entire universe was to continue drawing water into my mouth until it was replenished. I must have blacked out for several minutes because I (and everyone else who was present that night) remember exclaiming 'I get it, we're waiting for them to bring the food out to us!'. The friend in the passenger seat decided to entertain the crowd at my expense by telling me there was a monkey outside my window trying to kill me. I responded by telling him that he can't fool me even when I'm stoned. He succeeded with 'There's a hot chick outside you're window, I'm serious this time'. Shortly after the car began making its way to his house. I cannot recall any part of the drive back.
We arrive at our destination for the night. I was worried that I couldn't walk but I proved myself wrong. I was walking with decent balance but I felt like I was walking in place without actually traveling any distance. Everything was incredibly surreal like I was sleepwalking. I walked with caution through the silent, darkened house. I was faced with the heavy burden of walking down a flight of stairs into the basement. I again feared I would fall head-first but I eventually mustered the courage to slowly descend into the blackness. I felt invincible. It's comparable to the first lucid dream I've experienced when I first realize that I can do anything I want and not suffer the consequences. I figured nothing around me was real but my friend reaffirmed the reality of it all. We followed the resident of the house into his room and played Guitar Hero for nearly thirty minutes. I attempted to play but I failed for several reasons. Not only did I feel like my fingers were moving at the speed of a turtle, but I kept slipping into a trance while watching the colors float by on the screen. It was like everything else around me disappeared and the boundaries of my world were confined to the TV screen. 'A' eventually got tired and decided to go to the other bedroom in the basement for the night. He eventually talked me into allowing him to sleep on the mattress and myself on the concrete floor. We watched 'Braveheart' for awhile until I decided I couldn't hold my urine any longer. I asked him to guide me up to the bathroom (I was still completely disoriented and 'lost') but he declined. I was instructed to urinate in the shower drain.
The quest through the basement was more epic than the final battle in 'Braveheart'. I walked through pitch blackness, alone, and began to panic when I lost track of where my friends were. My primary concern was still to find the shower. I continued in the same direction and every once and awhile stopped to check my progress. I would open my cell phone and use the light to observe the environment. The basement was somewhat cluttered and was divided by several walls around the 'bedrooms'. A simple 40x20 ft. basement was the Amazon to me. It took me multiple minutes to find the shower and comprehend how to pull the curtains back so I can get inside. I was hesitant to whip 'it' out and urinate on the concrete floor. I was almost certain I would miss the ground and moisten my pant legs. The urge and frustration was too strong to cope with. I finished my business and spent the next few minutes finding the correct room. I ended up 'checking my progress' in front of the water heater at least three different times. I finally arrived in the room. 'A' was already asleep and I felt more alone now than ever. I was still on a vacation in Hell light-years away from everything I have ever known.
I awaken from two and a half hours of sleep. I felt what must have been a muscle spasm (due to stress) in my side. I interpreted it to be a stabbing sensation. It was almost 5 a.m. so I decided I would wait until dawn to walk down to the gas station and snack on candy. I began to lose all hope of ever waking up from the 'dream' because it was several hours later and I still felt trapped within my own mind. My last resort was to eat food until it went away. If that didn't work I would begin planning my own death. In no way do I blame a harmless plant for almost leading me to suicide. I have always had a cynical mentality. It's always the 'end of the world' for me. At this point my sleep deprivation was blowing the situation out of proportion.
At this point my sleep deprivation was blowing the situation out of proportion.
At around 7 a.m. I began walking around the small town to the gas station. The sunlight improved my mood slightly but I still felt 'trapped'. I thought I was walking normally but people driving by in their cars stared at me. I noticed I was slowly zig-zagging down the sidewalk. I still felt like I was dreaming and was relying on instinct to get food into my stomach and help lower the concentration of THC in my bloodstream. I managed to walk like a zombie to the gas station and buy the Pop-Tarts and Dr. Pepper without raising suspicion.
After waiting outside, my friends woke up. 'A' didn't believe me when I told him I was still out of my mind. Him and the other friend played X-Box 360 for an hour while I dwelled in the shadows of nihilism. I was drawn even closer to the thought that it was never going to end. Still- nothing made sense. I began to question why I should continue on in the confines of such a simple world. I felt like I had already suffered for years but eternity was still ahead of me. My irrational thoughts returned. I was convinced that I already died. I told my friends who got amusement out of the ridiculous belief.
The entire next day was almost eternal in itself. I was exhausted and the sense of doom continued to linger until I went to sleep in my own bed. I had 'episodes' where I would lapse back into retarded behavior (snapping my teeth at my friend when he looked away). I was frustrated that I couldn't enjoy the day like everyone else around me was. I felt 'out of it' until I went to sleep the second night. The gloomy dread began to wane when night fell again. All I wanted in the world was to go back to my own bed and watch TV, even if I was in this altered state of consciousness forever. I eventually reached my bedroom and listened to Jeff Loomis' 'Zero Order Phase' for half an hour. I proceeded to watch TV and eventually fell asleep. I was back 'home' when I woke up the next morning. It wasn't the traditional method of using weed to be 'reborn' but I was simply excited to be back to normal again.
In retrospect it was probably the worst experience of my life but at the same time the most interesting. Just like the insomnia and panic attacks I endured throughout my childhood, I tend to enjoy the thrill of feeling entirely helpless/hopeless. It adds a sense of adventure to my life even though it's horribly depressing. I wonder if cannabis actually did temporarily lower my dopamine or serotonin levels. It was a dark journey but, nevertheless, it was epic and I want to explore it again.
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