Citation: frog. "Questioning The Nature Of My Being: An Experience with DXM & Mushrooms (exp7728)". Erowid.org. Jul 22, 2003. erowid.org/exp/7728
Yesterday, I underestimated the power of the synergetic effect. I had tripped mushrooms once before and also DXM once before. The mushroom experience was a bit strange because a few hours after my friend J and I had taken them, I found out my mom would have emergency surgery that day to remove her appendix. The operation was pretty successful, but I still had to deal with a lot of social interaction that day and the sight of my mom at the hospital was a bit disquieting. But when I got there, she had already undergone the operation so I was more relieved. My DXM experience, meanwhile, had been great: bad thoughts refused to stick to my mind and merely existing was making me happy. It's difficult to describe because basically my perception was completely altered and even though I got no concrete visuals; normal things seemed like visuals.
My friend K and my brother A seemed completely alien to me; watching Tom and Jerry by myself caused me to completely forget my sense of self and to almost enter the storyline. I attributed all these great effects to some inherent discrepancy in my brain structure, though; I have heard many accounts of DXM trips from friends that thoroughly disliked the experience. Almost everyone I know will attest to the fact that my brain must be rather odd in its workings; certain parts of it are constantly seeking stimulation (imagination, analytical logic, some part that seems to enjoy semi-technical nonsense [like the title to Man or Astroman songs], social analysis [I'm constantly aware of the image people try to present of themselves in social situations, even though I realize this is obviously a necessary aspect of interaction - it probably has some subconscious relation to how I perceive myself and how I think others perceive me] while other parts of my brain are a bit deficient by nature (common sense, spatial perception [my driving sucks], etc.).
Since DXM affects parts of the brain that control perception of self and disassociates certain mental structures (time perception, memory, I don't know what else), I think that is the reason it has varied effects; some like disassociation and others don't.
I took about 400 mg DXM at about 7:50. The other time I'd taken almost 500 mg, but I was allowing some room for the synergetic effect (in retrospect, I should probably laugh at this). I met up with my friends T and J; we were spending the night at T's house. The DXM nausea kicked in soon but I had found that I am quite resilient to this so we just drove around for a little. The DXM started to kick in, but it's mostly a psychological drug in its inital stages - T and J became strange to me (again, perception is difficult to qualitatively describe); this strange fear came over me for no reason and came out as a rambled, illogical thought - what-if-I-like-this-too-much-and-get-hooked-on-D-and-no-one-knows-the-long-term-effects-and-when-I-meet-the-girl-who'll-marry-me-I'll-be-disasociated-so-I'll-miss-out-on-having-a-girl-and-then-no-life-and-I-will-try-to-talk-but-I-won't-relate-to-anyone-and-then-I-will-be-insane...
That's when I knew for sure it'd kicked in. We went to K's house so J and I could measure out the mushrooms and when we got there we both took about 1 g (a rough estimate). We went outside to K's porch and so began the most intense part of the trip. By now the DXM was making it a bit difficult to distinguish what in my field of vision was a part of my body and what was the environment. I ordered my friends to put on a Can CD as if they were my arms. I ordered them throughout the trip, they later told me. My thoughts became difficult to organize - a Can drum solo (which I normally really enjoy) was making my body feel as though I was being pricked with pins on my back. My friends took me inside and I watched them play Pilotwings 64; the movement of the game was too much and nauseating. I had other uncomfortable (and equally uninteresting) physical sensations for a little bit. My vision became blurry and concentrated only on one thing in my field of vision.
Then it hit me - WHAT IS EVERYTHING? What is this place? Who am I? For a few minutes, I had no memories. This was a very strange situation; without my memories, who am I? That night, I rebuilt my entire sense of being (don't think that I found this to be the insightful part of the trip; everything I rebuilt I knew. Don't look to DXM for personal insight on your life. If anything, it disconnects you from it). The memory of having been at my computer making music a few hours earlier came to me first, but without other memories it seemed to stand as an infinite moment in time. I relived it momentarily and had the feeling that all my existence had always been limited to this: me and my computer.
My breathing got shallow because of the antitussive nature of DXM and this triggered thoughts about me having to have the D pumped from my stomach and this triggered thoughts of having to go to the hospital and scaring the hell out of my parents and this reminded me of stories I had read about kids who'd OD'd and had had to have their stomachs pumped. [I'm so impressionable] This reminded me of having been at the hospital with my mom a couple weeks back and also of having seen Karate Kid with her that day. These two thoughts started a chain reaction of thoughts: 'Apparently, I exist. What am I? I merely am. *Where* am I? I am in a network, a game, a field of being. There seem to be rules - I cannot recall them. I have obligations!(?) To stay alive and not kill mother and father [these words appeared in front of me but I had no notion of my actual parents - only of them as entities which somehow limited my full range of actions - which included not breathing and dying.]
'To stay alive - breathe. [My breathing was a little shallow and this is what scared me most] Breathe - another rule! This *must* be a game - there are rules. If so, what is the goal? [My friends and I don't do many drugs often, but we all smoke ganga with a good frequency]. I think it is to alter ourselves. [This idea seemed alien and yet quite familiar-not as a goal *of* life, but as a goal *in* life] [Now the trip took on very game-like qualities - I experienced my friends' presence as nonphysical beings that were in the network with me but I began to question their actual existence. It seemed as though they were just part of my imagination]. I remember this face - his name is T. T has helped me in the game of altering myself. Is this his goal as well? Is this real? [I now began to see some memories; being in the car with T, seeing some friends that were not there that night - many personal memories which probably have no significance to anyone else. I questioned the reality of these memories] 'Did I really know these people (to me they were more like entities still) that I was thinking about?'
My existence, my whole life seemed like it'd been a past life; a distant but marked memory. I was not sure I was still living the same life, playing the same game. Then I suddenly recognized I was outside K's house and I remembered being there with a girl I liked but I didn't remember much else other than a vague feeling that felt like 'Goal: love girl.' Another marked aspect of the trip was that everything came as vague feelings rather than distinct memories. But this feeling finally gave me some sense - up until then, I could not possibly remember any other goal other than 'Goal: alter brain.' This triggered another chain of thoughts: 'So it *is* real. T... J and K are here too... I think I know another entity called S too... S had a bad trip on DXM! [At this point my restructuring was interrupted and I momentarily began to worry about T, J and K]' I said 'Am I having a trip like S?' My friends said no and told me I was fine. I tried to apologize for being a difficult subhumanoid but couldn't get the words out.
After this, I gradually came to my senses and began to interact more clearly with my friends [though apparently, throughout the trip I'd been saying things but I think that was my subconscious taking charge for me]. J had been worried I was having a bad time (which makes sense as I was staring off and breathing hard and asking 'Am I alright?') but I was finally able to tell him it had all been due to difficulty communicating. I was still DXM-ing pretty hard when we left but I had most of my senses about me. At about 12:30 we got to T's house and I managed to enjoy the rest of my mushroom trip with T and J. We watched the Big Lebowski and had some Honey Hash and some weed and refrained from overt mental strain and then we went to sleep.
I had never had such an intense mental experience. The DXM's antitussive qualities make for some odd physical effects which, when combined with the serotogeneric nature of the mushrooms, may cause the body to strain the mind. Also, combining an 'associative' serotogeneric with a disassociative may have been a bad idea. Some people like T and J seem to be quite prone to serotogenerics (weed, cid, mushrooms) and relax and have a great time while on them. I, on the other hand, love the mental stimulation they provide but sometimes this causes too much negative thought association for me. DXM, meanwhile, gave J and S bad trips and was also bad for another serotogeneric-prone friend of ours. But I loved my first DXM trip and plan to do it again. However, I don't plan on combining DXM with anything ever again. Its disassociative properties can truly take the control away from the trip if it is intensified by other drugs.
At T's house J said to me 'And in your time of most dire mental strains, the thing you wanted most in the world was a Coke.' And I remembered that it was true. While my mind was being rebuilt and my sanity questioned, I took brief stops to ask T 'Can I PLEASE have a Coke?'
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