Citation: IamAaron'sRationale. "The Infinite Light and the Beautiful Reality: An Experience with Mushrooms (exp77073)". Erowid.org. Aug 23, 2012. erowid.org/exp/77073
This is something I have desired and feared for a long time -- to throw myself into my biological ocean and not just float, but also swim. I have used mushrooms (and I mean “use” in the sense that a painter uses his brush and pallet to express himself) multiple times before, but never completely by myself. It has never happened like this before. For that reason, I write.
I cannot explain my motivations for this experience exactly. Lately, though, I have been reading more and more about Zen Buddhism and the release of what Alan Watts calls the “ego”. The immediate set and setting was as such: my life at the time was really creating a lot of stress, although it seemed to be on the upturn. Still though, a lot of conflicting inner dialogue. I had returned to my hometown for a court date, had no money, brought nothing with me, and as result was utterly bored. I think the most direct motivation, however, was my introduction to the Tibetan Book of the Dead, more specifically the manual created by Timothy Leary. I knew that I could not afford much, but figured it was the best way I could think of to spend my money at the time.
The day before my trip, I planned. I decided that the most comforting place to go would be my mother’s bed. It has been her bed all of my life, and has always been a place where I feel safe. I also decided to do it early in the morning, so I could be by myself while I “peaked” since my brother would be at school and my mom at work. I went and obtained the mushrooms. They seemed very healthy. That night, I was a child again and it was Christmas Eve.
My mom woke me up at 8 a.m. like I asked her to, but I did not tell her why. Based on her reaction to me telling her about my experience after it happened, this was a wise choice. I had some errands to get out of the way, and I wanted to read some more of the Book of the Dead. I also chose to eat half of the mushrooms that I got (1.5 grams) and make tea, which is my favorite method of ingestion, with the other half. I chopped up half of the caps and stems and added them to the tea bag along with the shake. I think I used some sort of raspberry tea. I then walked up to mother’s room, turned the television off, and cleared the bed. I supported myself with pillows so that I could eat the mushrooms and drink the tea without any inconvenience. Another thing that I think is noteworthy is that my dog, Lola, was with me the whole time.
I thought about the things I had read in the Book of the Dead, and tried to make myself aware of landmarks to let me know that “it had begun”. I do not want to trivialize the information in this book because I do not think this is the place nor do I feel I can do it justice in my own words. My advice is to read it for yourself and, also, to use it because it is a very powerful tool. Significant events did occur, however, that correlated with this book so I think they are important details in my story. The first was the drone. I heard a low hum begin that reverberated like a gong. This continued throughout the entire what I will call my ascension period. The next event was a burning at the base of my spine. Throughout my ascension period this burning sensation flowed up my spine into my skull. I made a point of allowing these events to happen, not to restrict them in any way. I believe this is a crucial point of focus if one wants to enjoy his or her psychedelic experience fully. Resistance and rationalization seem to only lead to fear and loathing.
I started to doubt this feeling, so I closed my eyes to see what would happen. In my previous experiences with psychedelics, this has always made things more interesting, but I always found it incredibly hard to keep my eyes closed. This time however, I would not allow my ego to fight back. I closed my eyes again and soon found myself in a fetal position in the middle of the bed with Lola lying right beside me. At this point I noticed her and began to rub her belly. I will admit, as well, that for a fleeting moment I felt a sexual connection to her, but it was soon “recategorized” in my brain as a love of deep friendship.
The Book of the Dead makes a point of recognizing sexual desires, as well as all others, as products of the mind. Under the guidance of the mushrooms the boundaries between these desires seem to be temporarily washed away. But if you allow your ego to run free in your mind like the wild, logical animal that it is, it will inform you of the state of the things with much more honesty than it does in its usual cage. I digress.
With my eyes closed, I began to move them around behind my lids to get them used to the feeling. My visuals remind me of what happens when you put a magnet up to a television screen. The “background” was black with waves of color spectrums pulsating, flowing, ever-changing yet constant. I was ecstatic. I was delighted. I was safe. Then, I peaked.
Normally, it is impossible for me, as well as most that I know, to sleep while influenced by psychedelic substances. It’s simply something that cannot be forced. This time however, I lost myself. I went into what I would call a trance. For it was as if I was dreaming, but my entire self was there. It must be what people experience during lucid dreaming. I do not remember much of it, but I will tell you what I can. The first thing that I saw was a very bright light coming from everywhere. I also remember some blues in the background after the light subsided a little, but the light was always present. I do not have any sequence of time for these events but there are images that are quite vivid in my head. Soon I was somewhat “introduced” to two characters. There were definitely more of them but these are the two that I can remember.
The first was the largest being I have ever seen. He took up my whole field of vision. He appeared to be some sort of genie as he was bound at the wrists by gold gauntlets and possible elsewhere on his body. He was dark skinned and fairly old. Despite his apparent bondage, he seemed very content. One idea I reflected on later was that he is the physical polar opposite of my pale, skinny, and young appearance. The other being I almost immediately associated with my mother. It was a sort of black bird, as it was flying at a very fast rate in and out of my field of vision. The first reason I associated it with my mother was that it had a sort of fiery mane down its upper back and my mom has red hair. If I talked to them, I do not remember what we talked about. All I know is that they were both very content creatures and very comforting to me. I do vividly remember them waving “goodbye” to me as I opened my eyes and returned to the external world.
If I am calling the first part my “ascension period” then this was my descent back into reality. I realized I had only drunken one cup of the mushroom tea and that I had intended to drink three. I do not think I needed any more than I took. What is ironic is that this was my deepest experience and yet the smallest dose I have ever taken. It was now 1:00 p.m. I hoped that the psilocybin had not become inactive and quickly put the cup in the freezer to save for someone else. I then got the urge to call up a couple of my friends because I really wanted to talk and to smoke some weed. My friends were intrigued by my mental state so without any hesitation said they would pick me up soon. I felt like smoking a cigarette for the first time all day so I decided to take Lola out and do just that. We went outside and I lit up.
Across the street and an alley, there is a group of dogs who constantly bark. Usually I would not let Lola go over there because I was sure that she just wanted to bark back at them. This time, I felt an urge to allow her to lead me. So around the block we went, me trying to smoke a cigarette and her desperately pulling on her leash. We soon got to the pack of dogs that were in a chain link fence. There were two young pit bulls and a smaller white mutt. Everybody was barking like crazy, and I stood there and watched. Then, something happened.
The bigger of the two pit bulls started attacking the mutt. It had its neck in its mouth and was pulling back and forth. I stood in awe, I couldn’t move. A lady came outside and started yelling at the dogs to stop. She was terrified; I still was completely silent and still. She started screaming, “Help me! Help me!” over and over again. Upon hearing that, my statuesque state was shattered. I leapt into action. First, I tied up Lola, who was still barking, so that she didn’t try to intervene. I then jumped over the fence and went straight for the two dogs without a second thought. At this point, the lady was hysterical, probably fearing for her dog’s life. She began to beat on the pit bull, pulling on the two of them, trying to get him to stop. I put my hands on the back of the pit bull and began talking calmly to him, stroking him gently. I kept telling the woman that she could not force this and that the pit bull had to let go on his own. I think she finally heard me, because she backed off a bit and as she did I guided the pit back towards me with my arms. He let go. She quickly scooped up the wounded dog and took him inside, with the pit bull at her heels.
After safely inside, she repeated over and over again, “Thank you, thank you so much.” All I could find myself asking was why? I truly believe that dog was going to kill the other if there was no intervention. What would make him do such a thing? Who has made him into such a creature? This woman? Another? Was the dog simply disturbed? These questions raced through my head as I walked out the door towards my house.
Now, this event may seem trivial to some, but to me it was the external sister event to my mostly internal “ascension period”. I had somehow brought some knowledge of myself as well as the world out of me and used it in the external world. I say this because I am highly suspect of whether or not I would have been able to have done what I did without the first part of the journey. In my usual mental state, I imagine I would have had thoughts such as “this isn’t my problem” or “but what if I get hurt?” Yet these were the furthest things from my mind in the situation.
In a way, I felt that it brought out the god in me, the god that exists in everything. I know that may not make sense to some, but it was how I felt and continue to feel.
To Whom It May Concern: The rest of the day I spent getting stoned and talking my ass off, telling anyone who was willing to hear about my tale. And now, I have told you. This is one of the most, if not the most, wonderful and intense experiences of my life.
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